今年的聖誕節，我興致沖沖從原本只是要試烤雞食譜，到最後變成了一個六個人的小party。
早餐先是Cottage Cheese Delight開場。一直以來我都很好奇那種brunch的蛋dish是怎麼做的，剛好辦公室聖誕小聚會Carmen做了一道帶來給大家享用，腦筋一轉我就跟她要了一份recipe。Joe日前買了很棒的ham來，cheese, milk, flour, cottage cheese, egg, butter，再加上一些pepper和mushroom，這道菜比我想得簡單得多。十點多把楊氏夫婦邀來吃，結果竟然大受好評。
下午玩過Domino之後，我們就開始了烤雞大業。因為沒有找到trussing string 或是其他的棉線來源，我乾脆拿了縫衣線充數。先把bread pudding做起來，再處理兩隻烤雞，之後是蘑菇火腿濃湯。Joe在一旁忙著處理appertizer開胃菜，甜點蛋糕，還有烤馬鈴薯。
傍晚mimi和胡本現身。久遇故人的感覺讓人既激動又開心。整晚的吃喝和閒聊，大夥兒都玩得很開心。最感動的是事後胡本真誠的對我說，「Karen, you are really lucky! Joe is a really good man, especially after all those things, he still keeps trying so hard!」
Paul 和Becky也在事後對我說，他們對Joe又有了全心的了解。特別令他們印象深刻的是，Joe身為唯一的Caucasian在我們一群Asian中，仍是很自在有自信的當個男主人。對於吃席中大家討論對church的挑戰，Joe的態度和回應也讓他們相當驚嘆。
忙著上下餐點，張羅飲料用具，晚餐就忘記照相了。很有趣的在pasadena和老朋友聚首，特別珍惜的是彼此互相分享近況，彼此打氣鼓勵和聆聽的感動。mi總是我的motivation，特別是在如何更有愛心的去對待新來的朋友。只不過是一頓飯間的閒談，又有好多小細節讓我被提醒到，在一點一滴的小事上，學習體諒、設身處地、不給予壓力，然後很真誠的愛與分享。
聖誕Party
The Hotel Del Coronado (中文版)
他是個大騙子，也是我的未婚夫！
十二月二十星期六是Joe IT team的聖誕party。十二月初，Lisa發出的邀請函，就已躺在我的email信箱裡。邀請函寫著大家必須著正式服裝，傍晚在Lisa在San Diego有著美麗view的大房子阿姨家集合，之後會去一間很棒的餐廳吃飯，IT team買單！
==============================================================
Karen,
Here's the team party I mentioned before. It's in SAN DEIGO! Whoppee! And Matt (or Saddleback, at least) is paying for a nice restaurant. We only have to bring a gift if you want to participate in the gift exchange. I'll probably just bring one, and you can use it to do the exchange. Are we good on the 20th?
Maybe we can go down early and enjoy the day. ;)
Joe
P.S. Oh, and do you have a nice formal dress to wear? I have no idea what to wear. I may borrow something from
Joe. haha.
Karen
這是我跟之前跟你提的party。在San Diego喔！太棒了！Matt（或是Saddleback）會買單。我們只要帶一個禮物做交換就好了。我想我大概會準備一份，所以你可以跟他們交換。20號ok嗎？
或許我們可以早點下去玩！
Joe
Ps. 喔你有正式禮服可以穿嗎？我還不知道我要穿什麼，大概跟室友借吧。哈
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From: Lisa Crockett
Sent: Tuesday, December 8, 2008 3:34:27 PM
To: Arthur Ochoa; Stephen Anslow; Joe Chancellor
Cc: Janet Turner
Subject: RSVP for Christmas Party
Auto forwarded by a Rule
Since there's no formal, Saddleback Christmas party this year, we're dressing up by ourselves! Please let me know soon if you will be coming and how many of you will be coming. My aunt's excited to host us and the view from her place is incredible!
既然今年Saddleback沒有正式的聖誕舞會，我們自己來盛裝舉辦一場吧！請盡快回信回覆你會不會參加，是否攜伴和人數。我阿姨很熱心的要開放她在San Diego的家讓我們辦party。從她家可以眺望的景色保證值回票價！
========================================================
我們兩都很喜歡San Diego。Joe很興奮的提議我們當天早點下去San Diego玩，至於這次要去哪裡探險，他會搞定。這段期間內，我們通著email來來往往的討論到底要穿到多正式。應該一件可愛裙子就夠了吧，我問，Joe猛迭聲說，不成不成，據Lisa表示，大家都要穿得很正式才行。
Party一星期前，Joe上Pasadena陪我。原本只是走去Old town逛逛，竟然就拐進店裡讓我為party挑起小禮服。來來回回幾家店禮服不斷的試，petite身材的我，要挑到一件正式漂亮的禮服，老實說是有點難度，得碰點運氣。直到晚上十點店家要關門了，我們終於拍板定案。喜孜孜的拎著新的小禮服，一邊也心想，Joe對我真好，一向最不喜歡逛街的他，竟然陪了我一整晚，超級投入又興致盎然的當個好逛街partner。至於Joe的行頭，他先是說會跟室友借西裝穿，完全符合他極低物慾不好打扮的個性。過沒幾天，他改口說，反正明年他也得穿著正式去博士班的面試，那不如就去買一套西裝好了。「好阿好阿」，我心裡也沒多想。直到事後我才知道，他破天荒的作超級正式打扮，都是為了這一個特別的日子。
這一年我們設計了特別的個人化磁鐵給Team staff當聖誕禮物。好不容易學校 quarter告一段落，我開始日夜瞎忙的要把禮物準備好，帶到party上給大家。手工藝品有時候還真累人。等到我終於忙完可以就寢，已經是星期六的凌晨兩點。星期六一早Joe上來接我，我半裝可憐的說我昨晚好晚睡喔，他聽了心疼得不得了。（事後他告訴我他覺得超級對不起我，竟然因為整個漫天大謊讓我不斷熬夜趕工作禮物）
經過幾乎一整星期的大雨滂沱，星期六的好天氣似乎讓Joe超級興奮。我倒是沒有太大感覺，不過是去餐廳吃飯和party，下不下雨沒什麼差吧。（是阿，事後我終於知道為什麼他為了好天氣那麼開心）我們先是去了老闆推薦Pasadena一家好吃的早餐店想用早餐，接著一路南下，準備去他家把禮物包好順便讓他著裝。
開車往San Diego去的路上，Joe給了我第一個小禮物---一張我們昨天才在談的CD!我心裡覺得納悶，怎麼會送這張CD給我，該不會是聖誕禮物吧？不過可以在約會天拿到小禮物，總是件開心的事！一路上，我一邊補眠、一邊聽著CD，一路跟著Joe閒聊。當車子開上San Diego-Coronado大橋時，眼前的美景讓我整個人清醒了過來。San Diego真是太美了！不過，我們到底是要去哪裡阿？Joe說「祕-密！」
車子轉進了停車場，眼前矗立的是一棟有著紅色球形高頂的漂亮旅館。Joe一邊停車一邊跟我說這飯店可是有百年歷史的地標喔。下車前，他變出了第二個禮物給我！「哇哇哇」，我心裡想著，「今天的約會怎麼那麼棒！」
飯店後面緊臨著美麗的沙灘，不可思議的是，除了餐廳水池，竟然有一個很大的圓形溜冰場！我興奮的跟Joe說pittsburgh也有一個很美的skate ring，只是我老嚷著想去溜，卻一次也沒有成行。Joe笑笑說，「今天說不定是你的幸運日喔！ 」接著拉著我走去溜冰場售票口。「欸欸…」等等，現在是什麼情況？Joe 的隨性舉動讓我超級困惑。 想了一會兒，我決定放棄穿得超級美麗小禮服溜冰摔得七暈八素的機會，改挑做旁邊超酷的四人腳踏座車！溜冰，下回穿牛仔褲再來！
這棟飯店叫做「The Hotel Del Coronado」，硬要翻譯，大概是皇冠之飯店（聽起來很怪，哈）。飯店其實有著兩百年歷史，整棟建築不只外面風景建築物美，內部的古意裝飾陳列更是一大景點。舉飯店大廳為例，全木頭的建築與擺設，真有令人置身歷史的感覺。我們穿梭在飯店的各個角落，走著歷史走廊、商店、古早物小店、美食加精品，應有盡有。Joe在我駐足咖啡店前精緻糕點冰櫃的瞬間，就拎著我去挑一個好吃的巧克力莓果慕思。逛花園、逛商店、四處照相，今天有點隨事都心想事成的神奇感覺。在大廳的巨型聖誕樹前照相時，我們還看到兩個穿著像是十九世紀初期的人。我說「這一定是飯店員工故意扮裝」，Joe說「是嗎？我還想他們是一般客人耶。」
在海邊看完夕陽後， 我們差不多逛遍了各個可以照相的景點，第一棵相機電池也已耗盡。我開始問起，我們要集合的地方在哪阿？離這裡遠嗎？我們幾點要走？會不會遲到？Joe說Lisa剛剛打過電話來說有人塞在高速公路上，所以可以晚一點再去沒關係。「喔」我繼續四處巡覽，直到我們兩個的腳都開始酸累，才坐在lobby沙發上休息。「那邊走廊的ballroom今天晚上會有一個秀喔，我想這些穿得很正式的人都是為了那個秀來的吧」Joe指著走廊對我說，「是喔」，我踱步過去在ballroom外探頭探腦，壓根兒不知道這會是Joe給我的下一個驚喜。
「我們該走了」，又過了十分鐘，Joe終於下了動身指令。我穿上大衣、戴上圍巾，準備走進入夜
的寒冷裡。奇怪的是，Joe把我帶到了ballroom的大門前，跟著入場的人群一起排著隊。「恩，其實Lisa沒有住在San Diego的阿姨」他說。「什麼？」「恩…」「那聖誕party呢？」「也沒有聖誕party，….只有我們兩個，然後我們要進去看這個秀。」Joe從上衣口袋像變魔術一般的掏出了兩張票。哇塞！這傢伙竟然騙我！我滿心覺得這個驚喜真是太酷了！什麼時候我的男朋友竟然學會製造大驚喜？不過，幹嘛搞得這麼特別阿？聖誕節還沒到，交往紀念日也還有一個禮拜多，哎呀，不管了，反正又不重要。我們開始嘻嘻哈哈的虧起他竟然會為了驚喜說謊騙我，這跟他一向堅持的要當「一個可以讓我相信他說的每一句話的人」，實在是有點衝突。
宴會廳的大門一開，迎面迎接我們的是成群穿著90年代初期衣服的演員們。「阿！你早就知道那兩個人是這個秀的演員了！」我抗議著，Joe點點頭笑著拉著我進場。大廳裡服務生逡巡著端著各樣開胃菜服務大家，跳舞的、音樂演奏的，各自角落優雅的翩然拉起序幕。我們持著各樣的開胃菜和飲料，在落地窗前聊天看夜景，等著好戲上場。這個晚餐音樂劇，是讓觀眾成為劇中Marshall家的聖誕晚會賓客。這些Marshall家的成員不只又演又唱又跳，還身兼我們的服務生，各自有負責的圓桌。燈一亮，眾演員歡迎我們來到「他們家」，我被領到了舞台正中央的第一張桌子！
一整晚的show加晚餐，我都處在極興奮的狀態。音樂劇一向是我鍾愛的表演，當然美食也不能放過。整個表演我的嘴大概一整晚是張大大的呈現癡呆狀吧。當我看向Joe時，也是猛著傻笑，一定看起來像個興奮的呆瓜。一整晚不論是家庭的歌舞表演、鋼琴演奏、水杯音樂秀、笑話、故事甚至是跟觀眾的互動，讓我看得目不轉睛，超級忙碌。又是照相又是吃飯，還要分神注意哪個舞台角落又要有表演了，或是一不小心會被背後出現的演員嚇一大跳，好吃的牛排大蝦大餐，我竟然最後甜點都吃不完。
當show結束散場，我們留下來繼續拍了不少照片，才慢慢的準備離席。這回可是真的要穿上大衣戴上圍巾步入寒風裡了。Joe領著我繞路又到了海灘上，我心想「大概他想要在走一次後廊花園的路，所以才不直接走通往停車場的出口吧」。我們在海邊坐了下來，Joe拿出了我今晚的第三個禮物。「要小心拆喔，這是易碎品」他說。我小心翼翼的打開驚喜，是一個特別的燭台！圓柱形的壁是一成串的文字！我們點起了蠟燭，開始順著螺旋往下讀。
「你是我的公主 （喔～真甜蜜）
我的知己 （Confidant是什麼意思阿？*英文課時間*）
我的靈感
我珍貴的寶藏 （這個我喜歡）
我的啦啦隊
我的鼓舞
我的希望
我的小甜心
我的朋友
我的夢想家 （恩..這倒是有點特別）
我們ministry夥伴 （等等..這是不是特別訂製的東西阿？）
我的愛人 （哇…這真的是給我的嗎）
我的小猴 （我的老天！這真的是我專屬的禮物耶）
Will （我花好久才看出這是個Will，本來還想看起來真像WII。該不會是要寫WII
wish you a Xmas吧？那就太爆笑了..）
YOU…
….」
在我好不容易辨識出Will這個字，繼續往下轉，唸出YOU，我整個人就停住了。映入眼簾的是「WILL YOU MARRY ME」！整個進入大震驚的我，看著Joe彷彿是慢動作一般的從口袋裡拿出了戒指，跪在我面前，開始對我說起話來。我必須自首極度驚嚇的我，根本記不大得他對我說了甚麼。隱約記得他為我我們交往多久了，對我說他對我的感覺和他多麼開心我們在一起的這段時間之類的。我當時一定看起來像被雷打到。喃喃的吐出yes，Joe輕輕的把戒指套到我的手上。
=============================================================
之後他才娓娓道來整個大計畫裡的小細節家內幕：
1.那個燭台是他從荷蘭訂製來的！荷蘭！！幾天前他還接到該公司寄來的email，信上說，他們看到從機器中出來的成品，發現有人要用這個燭台求婚，整公司都興奮得不得了。因此寫信想要問對成品滿不滿意，過程進行得順不順利，並且希望他求婚成功後拍照讓他們分享！
2. Joe的家人一整天對他拼命奪命連環call，想要知道大計畫進行得如何。他幾次說要如廁其實是去廁所裡打電話說，不要再打來了！我不會接電話了！
3. Joe的室友早就知道當天是個求婚大作戰。結果他跟我聊天時還是一派平靜悠哉的問我今天計畫做什麼。我還興奮的跟他描述要去辦公室的聖誕party，而且誇張的哀號我還忙著在包裝禮物。現在想起來，室友實在是功力高深，有夠會演戲！
4. 想當然爾，整個辦公師都知道Joe的計畫。整個party完全是個大謊言。邀請函、party、阿姨家全是Joe想出來的idea。大家都串通好如果我問的話要怎麼應對！
5. 在飯店逛的時候，Joe曾說他有點擔心車子，要去check一下，其實是偷偷去拿禮物和戒指。晚餐時，我偶爾去牽他的手，摸摸他的大腿，他還很緊張的想我是不是發現什麼了，在偷偷check西裝裡是不是有裝戒指的小盒子。(寶貝，我只能說你真是太多慮了。我真的是壓根兒一點頭緒也沒阿)
以上就是整個求婚記。 Joe的的確確給了我一個超級浪漫的大驚喜。同時，這過去的一個月，他也是個超級大騙子。在我們展開新的未婚夫妻關係的同時，看樣子是有必要坐下來好好談談關於誠實議題了。
更多照片:
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| The Hotel Del Coronado-Proposal Surprise |
The Hotel Del Coronado
He is a big fat liar and he is now my fiancé. :D
December 20th is Joe’s team’s Christmas party day! He has forwarded me the email at the beginning of December and seemed to be excited about that.
================================================================
Karen,
Here's the team party I mentioned before. It's in SAN DEIGO! Whoppee! And Matt (or Saddleback, at least) is paying for a nice restaurant. We only have to bring a gift if you want to participate in the gift exchange. I'll probably just bring one, and you can use it to do the exchange. Are we good on the 20th?
Maybe we can go down early and enjoy the day. ;)
Joe
P.S. Oh, and do you have a nice formal dress to wear? I have no idea what to wear. I may borrow something from
Joe. haha.
-------------------------------------------
From: Lisa Crockett
Sent: Tuesday, December 8, 2008 3:34:27 PM
To: Arthur Ochoa; Stephen Anslow; Joe Chancellor
Cc: Janet Turner
Subject: RSVP for Christmas Party
Auto forwarded by a Rule
Since there's no formal, Saddleback Christmas party this year, we're dressing up by ourselves! Please let me know soon if you will be coming and how many of you will be coming. My aunt's excited to host us and the view from her place is incredible!
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“It looks fun!” I was really excited as well. Since we both like to go to San Diego, his suggestion of driving down early and having fun looks like a great idea to me. We had emails back and forth discussing how formal we need to dress up on that day. I suggest wearing a cute skirt should be enough, but he insist Lisa has said it needs to be really formal. About one week ahead of the time, he took me shopping for dress because of the event. Though it felt a bit weird that he happily took me shopping (he really doesn’t like shopping), I just figured he was trying his best to keep me accompany and do something that I like. Joe said he would just borrow suit from his roommate. “Of course”, I think. It makes sense to me. However, couple days later, he said he is thinking about getting a suite. Since he will need it in couple months for the PhD interview as well. He should just get one now. “Sure,” I think. Only till later I was told that he dressed up super nice all for this special purpose.
Saturday turned out to be a good day, especially it has been raining for days earlier that week. (Now it all comes back to me why he was so excited and commented it’s nice that the weather was good.) I had stayed up late for days trying to get our personalized Christmas gifts done for the office staff. (yep, he felt super bad after learning this.) After he picked me up, we went to a nice breakfast place in Pasadena. It all felt like fun. Then we headed south to his place to finish gift-wrapping and for him to dress up.
On the way down to San Diego, I got my first gift- a CD that we just talked about the day before. “Um…”, I felt pretty odd to get this CD as a gift. However, nice little gift seems pretty good to me on a nice date. During the driving, it’s me sleeping, we listening to the CD, and chitchatting the whole time. As we drove on the San Diego-Coronado Bridge, the pretty view in front of me totally makes me awake. San Diego is such a pretty place! But, where are we going? Joe said, “It’s a secret.”
“This is a famous couple hundred years old hotel,” Joe said as he pulled into the parking lot. We came to a pretty hotel with huge red crown shape on the top of the building. Hotel Del Coronado is the name. Before we got off the car, he brought out another gift to me. “Wow,” I thought, “this date seems pretty nice”.
The hotel has a nice beach at the back. As we walking on the path, there is a huge ring skating right in front of me. I was telling Joe we had one in Pittsburgh but I never get to try it. He held my hands and told me today may be my lucky day. “What?” His response totally confused me. After some thoughts, I said I want to pick cool 4 people bike ride instead of falling on the ice ring stake with nice dress on.
The hotel is actually 200 years old. It has its little museum telling its history. There are also a hallway of cool shops, antique stuff, and a huge Christmas tree in the old style wood lobby. We had chocolate mousse berry cup, coffee, and lots of pictures. And we joked around two weird people dress up like in the old days. “They must be hotel staffs,” I said. “Yep? I thought they are just customers,” Joe said.
After the sunset, we pretty much visit every part of the hotel and ran out of first camera battery as well. I start asking where is the house that we are going to? Is it far away from here? When should we leave? Will we be late? Joe said Lisa just called and said people are stuck in the traffic, so we can stay here longer. Ok. We kept browsing all the stores, gardens, and finally both had sore legs resting in the lobby comfy couch.
“There will be a show tonight at the end of the hallway. I think most people who dress up nice are for that.” Joe told me. “Oh, yeah?” I went there peaking outside of the ballroom. “An American Christmas”, the huge poster outside of the ballroom said. “Looks neat,” I think, without any idea that this is the next surprise Joe is about to show me.
Another ten minutes passed by. He said, ok, we should go now. I put my coat on, scarf on, ready to go into the coldness outside. He then brought me to the door of the ballroom, said, “Um…Lisa doesn’t have an aunt living in San Diego.” “What?” “Yep…..” “what about the party?” “There is no party. Just two of us.” “What?” “Yep. We are actually going to this show.” He then pulled out the tickets from his pocket. I was surprised but thinking this is so cool. My cute bf starts to know how to surprise me and give me a really nice evening. Wow. But why? Nah. Not important. We joked that he actually lied to me, which is so against to his standard of being someone who I can trust every single word he said.
As the door opened, we were greeted by LOTS of actors and actresses who dressed up like people in 1900s. “Oh! You already knew those two people are from this show.” Joe smiled and nodded while I protested. The evening started with free appetizers and drinks. Waiters walking around the room serve us. It came out to be that we are in a big show, pretending we are the guests of this Marshall’s family. When the event starts, I was led to the first table in the center, right in front of the stage!
I was so excited with this cool dinner event. I love musical (and great food of course). The whole show I probably ended up feeling awestruck and have mouth wide open. All the singings, dancing, piano playing, jokes, water-glass song, acting, and even interaction with guests make me super busy the whole night. I probably just smiled like a fool when I looked at Joe. What a great night, and I even didn’t finish my dessert.
Ok. The show ends. Since we are not hurry, we took time chilled; taking pictures in the coolest crown room I’ve ever seen. Now we should go! We walked out this time with coat and scarf on again for real. But he took me back to the beach again instead of going directly to the parking lot. “um..I guess he wants to take the garden path again, maybe.” We sat down on the beach; he gave me my last gift for the day. “Be careful, it’s fragile.” I carefully unpack my gift. It’s a special candleholder with texts on the wall! We popped the candle light on, put it inside, now the reading time!
“YOU ARE MY PRINCESS (aw…that’s sweet)
MY CONFIDANT (what does this mean? *English class time*)
MY INSPIRATION
MY TREASURE (I like this)
MY CHEERLEADER
MY ENCOURAGER
MY HOPE
MY SWEETHEART
MY FRIEND
MY FELLOW DREAMER (This is a little special…)
MY MINISTRY PARTNER (Wait! Am I getting a personalized gift?)
MY LOVER (wow. is this for me?)
MY MONKI (Aaaahhhh! It’s a gift just for me!)
WILL ….. (*we are having hard time recognizing this word…Is it WII? Or…WII wish you a merry
Xmas? Haha. Too funny, can’t be the case…ohoh, I got it it’s WILL!)
YOU… (…….)
.............”
Right after I cheerfully recognize the word “WILL”, as I turn the holder around, I read “WILL YOU…” and then stopped. “WILL YOU MARRY ME” popped out in front of me. Joe reached his pocket and brought out a ring. Knees down, he started talking to me while I am in huge huge huge huge shock! He poured out his heart to me, however I need to confess that I got words coming into my ears but soon disappeared in my head. I remembered he asked me how long we’ve been dating, and how much he liked me and enjoyed us. I must look like someone who just got struck by the lightning or something. Mumbling my yes out, and he put the ring on my finger.
===
Later he told me the whole stories and funny little details.
1. He ordered this cool thing from Netherlands! Couple days ago he even got an email from the company said they are so excited about this order after they saw this thing came out from the machine. They emailed him asking how things going and wanted him to tell them how it goes after proposal!
2. Joe’s family kept calling him throughout the day wanting to know if everything turns out well. He actually went to restroom to call them back, warning them do not call again. He will not answer phones afterwards!
3. Joe’s roommate already knew this is a proposal event! He acted so normal while chatting with me asking me what’s the plan for the day. I was excited telling him we were going to the IT team party and I am busy wrapping gift! Now in retrospect, he was so calm and even wished me have a great time in the party!
4. The office already knew about this proposal. Everything is a lie! Invitation, party idea, aunt story…they are all Joe’s idea and his great work.
5. When he told me he needs to check the car, he actually went in to pick up ring and gift. During dinner, while I held his hands and touch his thigh, he was super nervous wondering was I checking if there’s a box with my ring! (Babe, you worry too much! I am honestly completely clueless)
So, this is the proposal surprise story. Joe has really given me a great romantic surprise. He is a great liar throughout this whole month. And we will need to have a talk about honesty and transparency as we start our new relationship. Haha!
More pictures :
|
| The Hotel Del Coronado-Proposal Surprise |
Christmans Party and Din Tai Fung
Who would know that SLS kind of having the tradition of going to bowling and Din Tai Fung as their Christmas celebration party? I just found out this great news last couple days when RSVP to the Christmas staff party. After figuring out the dumpling house they meant, I couldn't help but got so excited through out the weekend.
There is only one Din Tai Fung restaurant in the States, which is actually pretty close to us. Bowling is fun, but Din Tai Fung is even more amazing. I kept telling my boss and other staffs how cool Din Tai Fung is and how excited I am. Several friends also got my phone calls "showing off" that I get to go to Din Tai Fung for a big treat!
Twelve of us went bowling in the morning. Bowling to me is like a college activity. I still remember going bowling in the late evening, and then having night snack afterwards. When being a student, time doesn't seem like an important issue. We always feel that we have plenty of time to spend and going to bed early is not something to worry about. The friendship flowing between interactions probably is the most attracting thing in the late night bowling event for us. Those good old time...
Ok. back to topic. So, twelve of us divided up to three teams to have team competition. After the first round, our team got rewarded for 100 handicapped for the real game. Now you can get an idea how "good" we were. ISO has Sam, who is the expert of bowling. SLS happens to have "powered up" version of Carmen. We have Keith, the only guy who can help raise our point. However, when the second run started, our team started firing up! Strikes and spare kept coming. We laughed this was a team job and we prayed before the second run. At the end we were couple points less than ISO team. However, with the 100 handicapped point, we were the champion!
Din Tai Fung is right across the bowing place. People were all starved. The manager who helped us order kept giving ideas and pretty much handling the whole order process. In the middle of ordering, the manager told Ruth that Americans won't like chicken with skin on it, so they can just skip chicken soup, and order sour and spicy soup instead. " I want a chicken soup!" I can only find a little spot to yell out what I want as I see them going to pass it. The managered stopped and mumbled, "oh, Asian may like it." We had juicy pork dumpling, pork and shrimp dumpling, shrimp shaomai, shanhai fried rice cake, shrimp fried rice, fried green bean, bok choy, red bean dumpling and red bean rice cake. Oh, and my chicken soup which I had one and with one to go as well!
Not sure what made Allison started wanting to learn Chinese, we spent much time practicing writing "love" and speaking "I love you" in Chinese. There was even time that the whole table stopped and just listened to us. And I offered the explanation of my last name- eight thousand female ghosts, which was used by Allison this morning to greet me when she stepped into office.
Anyway. Din Tai Fung in the States not only fed my belly, but reminds me of my family. That was the first meal they took us to when we went back this summer. I thought about Dad's face during that meal. I think, as quiet as he was, he still loves me so he treated everyone with a great nice dumpling feast!
Blar...Final Paper Days
Two more days left before the due day for my final paper and article reviews. Really frustrated with my procrastination that seems always leads me to this kind of situation. :( You guess I probably should have learned some lesson before. I did. I did by having nice goal this time thinking I will conquer it step by step, but here is the result--in vain.
Trying not to get upset with self. I have a tendency of putting me down when I am not doing well. Then when it gets worse, I start to question if I am still likable and lovable in others' eyes. (and now, what matters the most is bf's eyes.) Have I heard it over and over again that God loves me no matter what I do? I can try to make God stop loving me, but I will fail.
10-page paper, I already have 1! haha. Add oil. I will make it.
Final Week Blah
##在網路上看到朋友感恩節大採購的戰果。可能是因為剛好有我夢想了兩年的digital camera，所以好羨慕。晚上跟bf說，“說不定我以後也會變有錢？“他隨即接上一句"money is not everything"回應我。
##昨天成功的在咖啡的加持下撐到三點。Reading Report寫完了，只是今天課堂上的補充讓我覺得可能還得在加強一下心得部份。今天要繼續努力我的報告大業。
##工作時開始籌劃final week結束的事項: photoshop的影片、新的general publicity idea、把圖書館的書大清倉等等，然後回頭想，還是把心拎回好好替這個五千塊的quarter做個好學習總結才是。
##好期待明天bf又要來了。他好勤勞的往這裡跑喔。查了一下下聖誕紅怎麼照顧，希望可以試試看可以讓它撐過冬天。冬天，這裡都不冷啦，不好玩。大衣穿不到，毛帽帽也不用戴。說到冬天，又勾起我冬天鞋沒有一雙合腳的哀怨。好想回台灣買鞋。哎。
##課堂上提到的minister family dilemma又勾起我的熊熊怒火。不喜歡課堂呈現的負面現象批判與假定，而沒有任何正面practical的討論。畢竟我看到的就是很多正面的現象和改進預防方法阿。感覺上一年前在Golden Gate辯論過的，又一次舊事重演。差別在於，Golden Gate同學比較多是現役牧者或是未來牧者，這裡的psychology有點「讓教會健康不是我的責任」的感覺。
不能表達的坦白
我想你很愛我。
除了我感覺不到以外，台灣和家相關的各處角落，似乎都對我大嚷這個訊息。老媽在電話裡不斷的強調、回家時桌上出現的菜閃耀著、成長過程裡不缺的物質，還有幾年前，某一個你隔日就否認的夜裡聊天，你親口說你愛我。
我一直都很感恩上帝給我一個很聰明、很有自己想法的爸爸。從小就很用心的要努力工作、希望可以給我更多自由的人生選擇。是這樣嗎？這是你一直以來的希望和目標嗎？我沒有從你口中得到證實過。
我承認我很不了解你。
成長的年代裡，一天裡的大部分時間，你是一個上班族。我不知道你上班是什麼樣子，不知道你辦公室長什麼樣子，腦海裡幻想你上班的模樣是參考電視上戲劇裡演員在辦公室上班的情景。晚上的你回家了，客廳裡有你讀報看電視的身影。我不知道看著電視政壇評論的你心裡想些什麼。
你在想什麼呢？曾經想過什麼？現在又在想什麼？你想要和我分享你的想法嗎？還是你的心是我進不去的地方？
課堂上學家庭理論，一個一個的現象與名詞把我的心刺得好痛好亂。我好想跟你把誤會談開、把誤解消除，我們可以不親近，但是不必互相猜測也不必彼此傷害。你對這樣的想法和提議，也有共鳴嗎？
我心裡揪著想像你會不會回我一個冷瞪與沈默。
或許，如果那是你真心的答案，我也願意你清楚直接的陳述，然後我可以調整自己的步伐和世界，讓我們接下來都可以有和平的生活。
雨
竟然下雨了！
窗外滴滴答答不小的雨聲，讓北國的冬天有了一點冬天的感覺。
晚上上課到一半，屋頂突然傳來奇怪的婆娑聲響。眾人傾聽了一會兒，某個同學率先喊出「下雨了！」接著人群鼓掌叫好。「是因為之前的大火吧」，我心裡思索著歡呼的緣由。騷動很快的平息，課堂再度回到family stress theory裡。
在匹茲堡時，下雨是家常便飯。台北所謂的春夏秋冬，更是有梅雨、雷雨、颱風川流不息。加州反而是最與自然脫節的地區。沙漠地帶一向是帶來豔陽晴天，偶爾的十分鐘雨勢就足以讓氣象預報宣稱這是個雨天。
外頭雨勢彷彿不會間歇一般，我樂得享受這種鮮少有的天籟。伴著桌前數十疊的paper，今夜是個很有感覺的冬夜。
Love thoughts
Love Is a Choice
by Rick Warren
… That you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 30:20 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***
Love is a choice and a commitment. You choose to love or you choose not to love.
Today we’ve bought into this myth that love is uncontrollable, that it’s something that just happens to us; it’s not something we control. In fact, even the language we use implies the uncontrollability of love. We say, “I fell in love,” as if love is some kind of a ditch. It’s like I’m walking along one day and bam! – I fell in love. I couldn’t help myself.
But I have to tell you the truth – that’s not love. Love doesn’t just happen to you. Love is a choice and it represents a commitment.
There’s no doubt about it, attraction is uncontrollable and arousal is uncontrollable. But attraction and arousal are not love. They can lead to love, but they are not love. Love is a choice.
You must choose to love God; he won’t force you to love him (Deuteronomy 30:20). You can thumb your nose at God and go a totally different way. You can destroy your life if you choose to do that. God still won’t force you to love him. Because he knows love can’t be forced.
And this same principle is true about your relationships: you can choose to love others, but God won’t force you to love anyone.
------------
One of the friends wanted to become a missionary at Afghanistan. She applied for the teaching position at international school over there. God's calling was so strong in her life that she constantly felt for the poor, the sick, especially in that area. And it comes to this guy whom she's dating now.
"I will see if God lets our relationship grow during this period of time. If it does, that means God wants me to stay here with him and not go to Afghanistan," she said.
Like what the devotion articles says above, people think love is something that just happen to you. It's not even rare to see that attitude in Christian circle. I wonder if we sometimes are just too afraid to admit what's really in our minds. Take the friend as an example, a good question to ask her would be, "do you feel backing off about God's calling because you dream to get married and you don't want to miss it if it can happen with this relationship?" Wanting to get married is not wrong at all. However, if that dream is so big that we are willing to pull off all other aspects of growth in our lives, then it may cause problems in the future.
Love is a choice. God gives us free will, and choosing who to love is definitely within that realm. It's not to say that God has nothing to do with our relationship lives. He definitely bless, guide, and is in control of it. However, stop using God as an excuse to explain why relationship improves or deteriorate. We, are the ones that are responsible for that.
Need Energy and Help
Getting up early in the morning has been hard for me recently.Keeping focusing on studies at night has been hard for me too. I can't blame other people or external circumstances. They are all my own choices.
I want to be different. I want to be someone who is responsible for what God has given to me as my life tasks. I want to be authentic, honest and have integrity. I want to accept myself and not feel shameful about what I have done. My foolish decisions happened before were stupid but not destructive to my status of being God's beloved child.
I want to keep alert as walking on the study journey. Couple thousand dollars need to be spent meaningfully. Paper, textbook, test all that are working for my personal growth and hopefully can be applied to whatever ministry I will be doing later.
Flyer
It has been the sixth flyer after starting my current job. Every time I feel really stretched to come up with a nice design. However, so far, every time I'm done, I am pretty happy with the outcome.
With no exception, today is another day that I feel my ideas look great in my mind, but not good at all in the software canvas. I have different ideas of how I want to outline the picture, using different stokes, but I can't even figured out how to bring a picture to front from the background.
Having been absent from work make yesterday the last and only day to work on this flyer. Fortunately, editor said I can turn that in later. Will try to get it done by tomorrow!
Vancouver Airport Walk
Last Friday early morning, I flew to Salt Lake City-Vancouver for 4 hours and then back. First time to Vancouver, I totally forgot only S. California feels like Summer in late November. Other cities are actually "normally" cold during this season. The problem of wearing sandals, short sleeves and light jacket was that I ended up with freezing toes.
Irresponsible lawyer forgot to withdraw my h1 petition. The new h1 visa kicks in in October and terminated my student status. Normally it's not a big deal but with a job at school, I ended up not working for 3 weeks. 3 weeks of unemployment means 3 weeks of no income. To change status back costs $200 plus plane ticket to leave the country and come back. ISO adviser unfortunately seemed really unprofessional kept telling me that it's not her problem and she shouldn't be working on this issue. Lawyer on the other hand wouldn't admit it's his fault which was exactly what I expected.
I've noticed that I tend to get depressed, mellow and maybe even scared when a change is happening. Even though flying to another city/airport is really not a big deal, I still got really tensed the night before. Joe said he would be the first one to fly out if there's any problem. And, he will never ever send me to Canada if I won't be able to come back.
4am, early in the morning, I showed up at LAX for my "Walk at Vancouver Airport Trip". It was smooth actually. The lady at custom even figured out that I flew here just to get the paperwork straight by herself. The weather at Vancouver wasn't great. I saw snow from the plane but didn't get to see any pretty maple scene.
Oh, one little command, the biscoff cookie from Delta airline is super delicious! Back to work, and back to school. Normal life, here I come.
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 3)
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 3)
by Rick Warren
Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others … James 3:17 (LB)
*** *** *** ***
If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:
Concentrate on reconciliation, not resolution. Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship; resolution means to resolve every issue by coming to agreement on everything.
That’s simply not going to happen. I don’t care if you both love the Lord and are both deeply in love with each other, there are some things you’ll never agree on because God has wired each of us differently.
But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That’s called wisdom. The Bible says in James 3, “Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and it is willing to yield to others.”
The Bible says it’s wise to compromise. You can have unity without uniformity. You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye. You can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.
Some of you are worn out from the conflict in your marriage. You want to throw in the towel. Don’t do it! It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.
Let me close with a couple of suggestions:
1. Get help. Many marriages are miserable, and they go year after year with the same old problems because the couple doesn’t seek professional help. Don’t go to just anybody; get a godly counselor who bases his/her practice on God’s Word.
2. Let God help. The other thing you need to do is get help from God. You can’t do this on your own. I’ve seen these steps work, but you need Christ’s power to work them.
Many marriage conflicts could be solved overnight if both the husband and wife would kneel before Jesus and say, “We humble ourselves and humbly ask you to make this thing work. We submit our egos to you and our hurts to you. Jesus, do what only you can do.”
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 2)
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 2)
by Rick Warren
Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you … in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves. Philippians 2:3-4 (PH)
*** *** *** ***
If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:
Convene a peace conference. Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally. Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone. Jesus says don’t ignore it. Deal with the issue while you can. If you’ve got something wrong with somebody or they’ve got something wrong with you, God says you go to them.
When? At once. Postponed conflict only gets worse. Another verse in the Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26 HCSB). I think that means 24 hours would be the maximum amount of time you should let something go unresolved. You need to settle it as soon as possible, before it festers and turns into bitterness.
Consider my mate’s perspective. I can’t just look at my own viewpoint, my own situation; I have to look at your viewpoint too. This is very difficult because it’s not natural. It requires an intentional shift where I have to change my focus from looking at my needs to looking at your needs. It takes God to do that.
When you understand where people are coming from, it’s so much easier. The better you understand your mate, the less conflict you’re likely to have with him or her.
How do you learn to understand your spouse? Listen. Listen more than you talk. This again is not easy for many of us. It’s not easy for me. Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side, to defend ourselves that we don’t even stop to listen to the other person’s point of view or what they are saying.
You are most like Christ when you ask, “What are her/his needs and how can I meet them?” When you’re angry, you’re preoccupied with yourself. But when you’re like Christ, you look to each other’s interests and not merely your own. One of the most powerful peacemaking statements you can say to your husband/wife is, “I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)
How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)
by Rick Warren
You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2 (NIV)
*** *** *** ***
Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues. One of the silliest fights Kay and I ever had was over bath soap.
If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:
Call on God for help. Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call “ventilating vertically.” Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, “Here’s how I feel,” and you just lay it out.
James 4:2 teaches, “You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (NIV). Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.
Confess your part of the conflict. Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part. When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!
Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck in another’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly” (GNT).
I need to ask, “Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?”
Tomorrow we’ll look at two more steps to resolving conflict with your spouse.
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.
Class. to learn theories or self
What's interesting is that the issues we talk about in "Marriage and Interpersonal relationship" totally applies to me in my current life. I am stuck in the trauma and pattern from the past. The trauma tells my brain, "Wake up! This is the most important thing in the world!" Other things around in my life just dim. Very true. I haven't had a chance to see if my reaction actually imitates any family member's conditioned reaction in this kind of situation. Um..in that sense, the class is actually refreshing and giving me a chance to jump out of the circle and look at things objectively.
A bit clueless about my own status. Feel want to change or even just say a spell. Lord, help me move my stiff leg when it's ready. Help me even be able to feel the stiff and realize this is not something to hide, but to give a good hot massage to relieve.
無措
這詞好像出現好多好多次了。到底可以出現幾次阿。非常嚴重。很怕別人很討厭我，所以小心翼翼的，像要找出答案，然後最好可以改變事實。很怕。很怕很怕。很想要什麼都不見。覺得很難，覺得自己又進了死胡同。來個人幫我理清路線吧，讓我可以知道怎麼走。
是要先有放心，還是要先有勇氣。勇氣會帶出放心嗎？不確定。鴕鳥覺得把抽屜關起來，看不見外面就是安全了。心裡也配合的覺得安全。想要放心，只是因為撐不住情緒嗎？想要放心，是軟弱還是自私？
還是，關起來吧。關。
Another reflection
Wondering if I am having that prejudice against you. Like Cameron said in the class: if so, we then will look for all the evidence to proof what we've already believed.
Maybe, I feel I am not qualified anymore. Before he rejects me, I want to go ahead and cut it off. Coward. I am.
Maybe, people can't afford not love. I don't act like I believe. I probably need to go back to the sermon about why you still try to love after being failed or disappointed.
I am paranoid thinking people don't like me. doh.
Must be
The quiz must end perfectly.
I must be great.
There is no reason I should fail or not pass perfectly.
*Therefore I tense*
[It's ok.] ok even if I don't score perfectly?
[Ok if you don't score perfectly.]
[You are perfect in my eyes. I know who you are and how much intelligence you have. Those scores won't change that.] What about the scholarship?
[Same. Won't change a single bit. ok?]
Must be.
I feel I must proof that I am smart and intelligent. I must be great because I want the eyes respect me.
If.
If the wings behind me still support me like they did before. Where's the wing?
Focus on one thing. I am learning to be like guys--that I can close one drawer up and open another one.
Santa Ana wind
The wind plus flying rocks and sands make my feet crack BADLY. Poor monkie. It hurts. I need shoes but I don't have them with me now. I only have sandals. The wind blows again. Guess tomorrow morning will be another crazy windy morning again. This is another little thing that I want to cry for 撒嬌。It's just sad that I don't know what to do.
Am I make history pretty, or simply not realistic?
Does anyone really accept me as who I am?
Bad wind
anger behind apology
When his joyful sound transmitted through the phone, my tears start dropping.
Not sure what was the hidden reason, however, I feel apology was used against my personhood...from my childhood. I have the same feeling when he got angry in the fight. It seems that apology is the only way to get me out of the storm. After the apology, quarrel dies down, and I feel I have been discounted and disparaged again.
I wonder if I am not ready for relationships yet. I still want the gentle voice coax me. I see myself nodding heads like little girl listening to loving adult. I can't. I somehow just can't function well in this.
If it looks like apology is forced to apply in the situation, then the heart breaks and hurts even more terribly. I did feel from what I learned and what we discussed on class, those are the things that he deserves. So, maybe problem is me. Maybe no one is ready to help me yet.
I hate the "sit-down-and-apologize-otherwise-I-will-yell-till-you-surrender" scene. The more irritating one is after the apology has done, then people disappeared. I feel they finally get what they want from me. So I am left, unloved.
I want to learn to protect myself from anger. However, that may not be something that I can achieve overnight. The motive of doing that is worthy questioned too. If that is a simple truth that I am afraid or maybe conditioned to something, insisting removing that seems like denying. I should learn the real reality of anger. However, being sensitive is not my fault, isn't it?
I hate it. I can't. sigh.
第一個小考
第一個小考要來了。是統計。
應該不那麼嚇人的，只是我很想要很完美的通過，硬是想要逼自己把十四章內容一次解決。一直以為是23號之後的星期才考試，沒想到是之前。我的申請文章又還沒寫好，還加上在跟男朋友吵架。這個timing實在太好了。嘆。
photoshop好難玩，還好有光碟，改天來看看好了。趕快這禮拜通通寫完做玩。
有自己要獨立的感覺。又是一遍。只是這次不像四年前，電腦前一直都有人陪。
風“塵“僕僕
據說是因為Santa Ana 焚風的關係，這兩天橘郡的風速都高到不像話。
稍早去朋友家拿遺忘的物品。路上隨處都像是打電動必須狂閃障礙物的挑戰！我大概碾過四陀樹叢斷枝，還有一大叢是直接撞上車前引擎蓋，直接卡在上面大概有半哩距離之久。「可以待在車內真好」，心裡如此想著。
早上差十秒鐘錯過了一班火車，接下來等著我的是一個小時在狂風裡等待的大漠風沙經歷。三層樓高的燈柱搖晃著，四層樓高的樹木也翩翩點頭呼應。我的隱形眼鏡在風中痛苦的掙扎著，連穿著拖鞋的腳都有快被飛沙刺穿的痛楚。躲到電梯裡十幾分鐘，紛雜的情緒也實在靜不下來唸書或是做其他的事。風原來也可以這麼驚人阿。
好不容易上了Amtrack，發現我放在brown bag裡的可樂竟然已經變形。過程中它可是沒有摔到耶，可怕的風沙也可以這麼有威力！頭髮裡、衣褲上，連我的隨身包包裡都是塵沙。一張濕紙巾的測試結果是細細小小的棕黑色星雲圖。
呼！大風好可怕。還好pasadena沒有大風。
白菜瘦肉粥
今天清早在張羅好nikkie的早餐後，我開始煮起了在心裡盤算兩天的白菜瘦肉粥。基本上，所謂的盤算只是：在寄居別人屋簷下，有半顆白菜和冷凍豬絞肉的情況下，可以煮什麼讓我可以不用花半毛錢。記取之前讀食譜學來的煮粥訣竅，（大概是水一開始要加多，小火慢燉，而非我之前的開蓋煮又狂加水），白菜切絲、豬肉記得加熱水再下鍋。鹽、胡椒、一點garlic powder和basil，賣相不錯！
應該不錯吧！Nikkie也在一旁看得津津有味。來到學校加熱後才發現不是這麼一回事！
水分又被稀飯吸得剩下寥寥無幾。鹹鴨蛋放在裡面不大對味。我明明記得以前在南陽街買的瘦肉粥是可以加五塊多半力鹹蛋的阿。腦袋裡浮起參有薑絲的粥....等等！該不會是雞肉粥吧？！
總之，這個粥不夠成功。星期五午餐和今晚的晚餐都還是它...哎。
To love at all is to be vulnerable...
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
---C.S. Lewis
October life update
There are so many things that I haven't updated to my support network. Almost felt like I have "vaporized"/disappeared from the earth for a long time.
Moved out from the brothel. Negotiated the money. 40 days of love. Lisa's white house. Lisa's friend's daughters. Commute. School starts. Endless reading. Commute. 2 hours commute. Fight. Reconciliation. Huggy teddy bear. Move. Nikkie's owner's house. School....
I have made myself really tensed the past week. My eyes were only focusing on the textbooks when I am on the trains. The feeling I have now is probably "flexibility fatigue". Throughout the whole weekend, I didn't touch my textbooks except the reading aloud time in the car to Malibu.
I have thought about Joe's life when he was in school. Guessing he knows what is the goal, therefore he could balance his life well while lots of tasks going on. I, on the other hand, feel unbalanced. Work, commute, school, feels super clueless. I need to rethink about my goal and remind myself a bit more often. Job is not my goal. Making flyers, maintaining website, hosting employers...these are not important at all. To get good grades at class doesn't need to stress me out either. Yep, scholarship will be nice, but not to a degree that I couldn't even fit the spiritual growth process in. (yep, I can hardly read 40 days of love. Feel so disconnected with church family.) Wednesday is the day to go to church, if I want to....recommendation letters....who is the fourth person?
Feel I am a bit insecure recently. Not sure what really triggers it. Monthly cycle? or move? School? or job?
Another funny thing was after confronting a friend on her blog, the blog has been closed since then! The bizarre thing was I felt I made a point to point out her good work before presenting different ideas. It's probably always a mystery how others interpret our words and behaviors.
Homework of love
Maybe God just put the specific lesson at the particular time in your life when you think there’s no way to do it. I feel God is doing this in my life.
There was a HUGE man, tall and big, in our house last night. He’s affiliated with Roommate L. And, slept in the house! I felt I was silly even waking up in the middle of the night worrying if the locked door causes any trouble to her. However, when I saw him on the bed in the morning, rage just came up!
I tried really hard talking to calm down. At the end of the day, if roommates are doing this to upset me, they are paying the most precious price for this—themselves. Of course this is a personal choice they made. I can disagree. However, maybe I need to learn how to disagree in a loving way.
Everything you do must be done with love. (1Cor. 16:14) To be honest, this feels like a law that confines me. However, I don’t have a way out and I am willing to submit to God simply because he’s the boss and he said so. Today’s devotion was the story about Jesus was betrayed by Judah. “Oh, great. How can my struggles outweigh that one.” Haha. Anyway, I did feel happy that I can vent to God. Just say, “make sure you see what’s happening! I want to be a good person, but I am now having money stuck there, no respect, even the fear of having fight/court issue if confront again. Why do I feel I am being mistreated for doing good and being behaved?”
God is justice and faithful. About the lesson of love…..sigh. This is so tough!
My feet...
I wore sandals to work today! Only change to heels before going to the office. My feet got super hurt from the feet to the bone area of calf. can barely walk during the day. Not sure if it's because my new heels doesn't really fit my feet. It's not the size problem that "bites" my heels. I assume it's more the shape of the shoe bottom that doesn't fit the shape/curve of my feet. Therefore, my calves were hurting because of the wrong force pushed while walking. ....:( I've only wore that shoes one day! Now I know why it's so hard to buy the right high-heels. It will be nice if Carrie's with me. She's always good at telling which shoes are bad design regarding the shape/curve issue.
Switch back to my old heels. Keep learning to get used to high height heels and pointy head, I guess.
Friday is casual day! Jeans, sandals, everything is welcome! Hooray!
The 3rd day of work
Got up at 5am. Got home at 9:50pm. Working is not a funny and easy job!
Spent half day in a meeting with my boss. 2pm to 5pm-ish. My original flyer plan didn't get anything done. I then made a decision that I will overwork today, since it's only 1hr difference, but I can have 2 more hours in office. Coming out of the meeting, I finally realize how naive I was before. I used to tell people meeting is fun and nice. You don't need to work but you get paid! Now I understand the pain that your old work didn't get done because you were in the meeting. However, your to-do list gets longer from the meeting!
I need to relax myself a bit. Even though my current/future tasks sound a bit scary and huge to me, it should be ok! See, I just fool everyone that I am a design expert, while the reality is I keep trying to catch up by myself. I did get things done! Now I am also more eager to learn those software. (How can I survive if babe's not there backing me up?)
Not sure how I am going to tackle all the tasks. Can't imagine how my life will be like after school starts. I can't really do anything after work and before work everyday. Not enough sleep. Can't really write on the train. Sometimes super sleepy, not even sure how I drove myself to the station...
Tomorrow I will have a welcome breakfast treated by the office! Cool! However, again, need to get up at 5am. Work is hard!
Still hope that I can at least read more about the writing book before school starts. I am now not even sure if I can get that done.
New job! Everything is so real and cool! Office, own line, keys, "phob", supplies, business card, name tag on the door, title, office email, employee privileges....in that sense, work is fun! I feel I finally can proudly tell others I know how work is like! (something like lots of phone calls, meetings and lots of things keep pile up. Something like that!)
Upset. Mellow
First day is a bit overwhelming. Felt like I was forced and pushed to do lots of things without much time to be afraid. People were nice, however tasks are a bit intimidating. Looking at Publisher, I even felt anxious about my flyer due next Wednesday.
Judo's leaving for Texas because of family issue. Not encouraging.
Roommate is a psycho. I am fed up!
上班和住處
明天就要五點多起床通勤上班去了！對於工作到底會是什麼樣子有點緊張。雖說經過數個不同階段的工作經驗，練習也克服了美國人環境，也漸漸進步的階段一個比一個不容易，但是似乎在一個新階段開始時，我都會好緊張，嚇自己嚇得很勤勞。
住的問題還是沒有解決。看著廚房裡爬竄的蟑螂和半夜門口擺的男鞋，整個人都變得好不平靜。又不是很想動到阿姨的關係去借住叨擾。最近總是轉著「錢不夠所以不能住得好」的念頭，但是隨即就會想到之前才看過的「一生罕見的幸福」的故事，錢不是重點！然後我又安靜下來了。
很努力的禱告想要有個地方住，有個好室友（不用完美、但拜託就是不要抽煙、喝酒、用drug，和跟男生有不適當的舉止行為），希望諮商還是可以找時間做-我真的很需要和ministry連在一起，才有生存感阿...
今天決定來個九點上床睡覺大計畫，希望這樣明天會醒來有精神！
BBQ pork
A pound of BBQ pork- $7. Sit in the car for 10 minutes battling over buying some meat or not. "Sink broken, maybe buying food is better than cooking. But, maybe just the meat. Since I have veggie at house and it's a better deal than a rice dish."
Hope one day I can be like that couple, who ordered a whole fish ($13), chicken ($7) plus expensive yummy veggie (豆苗) and don't think it's a big deal.
我寶貝的他
My heart feel for him when he's busy trying to tackle all the tasks on his to-do list. I hope I have magic to make those tasks go away. He would have been able to have a relaxing vacation or something.
I want to be the first one to cheer for him when he finishes his task and reaches his goal. Not sure if I have done it well enough. I felt a bit sad that he was frustrated and not feeling too well.
Will I really be picky about engagement? I have no idea. However, I want to trust him and I want to be able to trust him more and more. Though engagement is really a western thing, I think he values me so much that he wants to have time to do his best. :) sweet.
I want to try harder. Both work and school. Both financial and emotional. I want to be better. I want him be happy and feel his life is fulfilled with meanings. The path is not easy. Most of the time I am following him, looking up to him and want to be his helper.
When I described how much I like him to Linda, she smiled and said, it should be like that. Don't need to be embarrassed about. Guess I really need to consciously be grateful and appreciate my single life. Try to get used to job and school. Take one step at a time. My God and my man are both so nice to me. Everything will be o.k.
I want him feel o.k. too. Make a wish! babe.
Job Offer!
I GOT THE OFFER!
Director called me on the phone and gave me the offer. She repeated that she's really interested in having me in the office and wanted to know if I need time to think or will take the offer right away!
As excited as I was, I asked her if there will be some written description about the offer. She then told me all the "benefit" that I can get and agreed to send me either offer letter through on-line hiring system or email. Hee, I got the highest pay in the budget range! And I will have paid vacation! wow! I am like a real employee! :P
I, of course, said I will get back to her on Monday! Wahaha! Though I am so happy about the job and there aren't really anything to negotiate about. Woo-hoo! Maybe I will keep the purse for celebration! hahaha!
My earliest day will be September 2nd or 8th!
Happy REAL work, sweetie!
2nd Interview
I got my 2nd interview invitation one day after my 1st interview. The whole GG office was happy for me. Joe of course is one of my biggest cheerleaders. He keeps telling me how great I am!
2nd interview has assignment for me. Two things-organizing several ideas that Career Services may be benefit from and designing an event flyer. I tried to put together all the things Joe taught me about flyer. Surprisingly, he said my flyer was really good. I was thinking he will give me some ideas about how to improve it. After all, that was my first real attempt for flyer though. haha
There are couple more interview questions asked. I think I did pretty well! The flyer assignment surprised them a lot too. Though James is a bit opinionated, but director likes it. :)
It's interesting that my English has been one of the topics that people will address during conversation. I am so grateful that there have been lots of opportunities to improve my English, and I did catch them! Director said she's really impressed with me. If she could, she would give me the offer immediately. That's how impressed she is. :D Really flattered!
Joe was so happy for me. I felt I was on the king's seat receiving lots of lots of compliments and cheering! This is how much his "approval" and compliment means to me. I am super happy hearing he said he's proud of me. Cuz I admire him so much, this feels like Phelps told me I swim pretty good! haha.
I wish my family will be happy for me as much as Joe did. I wish they will know how much effort I put into my life and all the challenges along the way. I wish they will say, "this is amazing! you have what job?" Isn't it pretty cool? this job is more formal and serious then my previous job! I felt I am like a "real" American here!! (in the sense that I can work on the same kind of job as they do!) Well, the reality probably is they won't recognize at all. And I just need to live with it.
Last day of librarian
The staffs took me out for lunch to celebrate my time with them. It's fun to see them teasing each other, of course including me. I didn't get to eat one of my favorite restaurant- Buca. We went to a Mexican place instead called Don Jose.
Anyway, I need a nap in order to work on my interview for tomorrow. Guess getting up at 5.50am really makes me sleepy. I almost drove to the other lane on highway cuz I almost fall asleep....
crazy.
Roommie trouble
"I have the choice to decide how I want to feel early in the morning to start my day!", I told my self.
It's 5.50am this time. Really, no matter how early I set my alarm, She can always wake me up at least 30 minutes early than my time.
Another bummer is she innocently also ambiguously said utility is shared. Not that I don't want to pay my part of utility, but I hate people said one thing, then change later without any apology. "Well, I just never meet anyone who said 'I am not going to pay rent.' But, if you don't want to chip in, it's ok." Did I misunderstand you when we discussed about this? I ask. "Oh, I don't remember what we said before." *Ahrrrrr* I can't believe what I heard.
I have lots of mosquito bites. "Oh, really, did you leave the door open?" Yep, but not sure if screen door is fully closed. "I think it's because I bumped into screen door before really hard, so it's tilt now." Can you ask the rental office to fix it? "Well, I can, but I think it's going to cost them. Maybe we will just turn on A/C." Um...I think fixing it is better. Then at the same time she turned on the A/C.
SO, WHAT is deal now?
I have a choice to start my day happy even though things don't go my way.
Interview
Went to an interview after work today. Traffic was good. It only took 40ish minutes as google map says. Parking was easy--I parked right in front of the building! Office is pretty and nice. I think I will enjoy that environment just as students!
It was like a 50 minutes interview. Longer than I expected. I felt pretty nice even though I still made some English mistakes or maybe too talkative at certain level? And maybe not super clear enough especially in picking the right word to use?
The happiest thing was babe said he's proud of me on the phone after interview. To be able to please him or getting approval and recognition from him is such an exciting encouragement for me.
Let's see if I will get the 2nd interview in the following weeks.
**I decide I want to go to Buca for my last day at Golden Gate! Yeah!
** Also decide that I want to pray to have my buying-purse desire to be removed. After I make money and have stable income, I will save money to buy purse! (Yep...still miss the super expensive..about $200 value purse I saw in TW. But, I still think that's too expensive to buy. Just miss it....)
One week
It has been a week since I moved to the new place. Roomies are a bit different (even troubled). Not really used to it. I am still looking for a way to read/study and do something at my little space. Guess the screen door doesn't fit the door frame really well that's why I got lots of mosquito bites last couple days.
There will be an interview on Tuesday. A little bit restless because of the thoughts, expectations and feelings come with that. I again have the identity crisis trying to identify myself with what I do, not who I am. I guess I don't really like myself recently because the unloving feelings I see in myself.
Nightmares about family, especially Dad disturbed me a lot in these days. I thought God was close, then knowing I am actually away from Him. Felt like I am smothered in certain way. Hoping there are people that will reach out to me and speak my mother language with me.
Several phone calls dialed in vain. Pray for having new friends who can speak 2 languages with me and is someone who I can look up to.
Cheer up! For the last week at Golden Gate. I have become great in dealing with different environment and fit in pretty well again. I should be proud of myself and not look down on myself.
I am food rich now! And I want to go see the big purse! Go Monkie! Study more and hopefully transferred inside out.
Moving
搬家
I am now living "in the company"! Welcome to Irvine!
Just moved to Irvine this weekend. Joe babe helped me carrying/moving and cleaning. It felt again kind of weird and scary when the moment of leaving finally came. He hugged me after the almost-not-seen frustration, assured me we are not that far away from each other, I drove to my new place by myself around 10pm.
The driving feels different without babe next to me. All of the sudden, my eyes seemed more sharp and senses got more tensed. Knowing that I won't get lost since Irvine is not a strange place to me, however, experiencing that "I-am-by-myself" feeling is still the special and interesting feelings mixed with cautions, unknown, dark and maturity.
I haven't met all the new roomies yet. Using lots of Joe babe's stuff makes me feel loved and safe. It is really luxurious to me too! I've never had so many furnitures of my own.
New life. New chapter. Not sure if I really will only stay there for half a year. If so, this is the count down day 181!
Little things that show me he cares
* Album*
Rick Muchow has a new album out. Pastor Rick joked about signing the CD personally at the end of the service. Joe asked me will I want a CD or not. I said maybe. Then he gladly reached his wallet to buy me one. He knows I loved and admired Rick Muchow and his great music ministry. I want him know that I treasure his every little effort he does for me as well.
*Family*
After service, we met with Sean for dinner. It has been couple months since we started this routine to catch up with friends. Joe shared several highlights about our trip with Sean. With listening and understanding, he also connected with Sean's story while he first shared that with us. Looking at Joe's sincere facial expression, hearing him saying this is difficult but he will never give up building relationships with them, I told my heart and my mind to record his love for me, the love that shows through these conscious decisions and sacrifices. He doesn't need to put up with the difficulties that my family present, but he chose to handle it and has kept encouraging me to work on that as well. I have been super blessed to have him in my life.
Plan about Fuller
Fuller asks really high financial support proof to get accepted into school. The fact didn't sadden me too bad, pretty much just..."well, bummer! plan A doesn't work out." God probably just plans that in a different way than my idea. I did mumble for a while thinking "Following calling can be really costly..." =.=
So, later, I will be like most of the independent Caucasians here having loans from education. That brings a little fear and unfamiliarity. However, life is life- the one I am exploring, the one I know I will totally take full responsibility for all decisions and accept consequences.
Not sure how the final plan will work out. I feel I want to have budget for rings. Then I will feel better making decisions. :)
*Mansion, my mansion.....The mansion next to Rick's...* --Refocus--
Current me
Though have spending some time reading information about addiction and family of origin, I think I still somewhat stay in the denial that my family can still be happily existing in my world. Maybe that is one of the reasons that I keep feeling panic and anxious about the coming trip. I still imagine how disappointed my mom will be if she learns about my real plan and I take that feelings over to be mine. I then hurt for her, and I feel bad about me being the "bad person" who hurts her. Maybe I don't really emphasized with dad much. However, maybe there is still little tiny part in me longing for the princess treatment-mainly being treasured by dad. Thus, I still expect, and disappoint over and over again.
To me, it is cruel that I go back without informing my family. Guess I can't really deny that telling them probably will only bring humiliation, retaliation and attacks. But, it's cruel, still. Part of me even think that I won't be totally happy by myself just like what I used to be-- I want someone taking me around.
Planned a bit my shopping route. Thinking I want to walk through every floors of the various department stores. Planning that I want to walk through every single street in the little tiny Hsinchu city. But, what will that look like? when no one that I was familiar from the past can be with me...
After talking to Ingrid, I get even more clear picture what an American dream our parents may have. Or to say, the "success" dream. I think I have processed the information better; that is not what I want. Even though the financial future looks glorious, I am fine taking Linda's experience that it doesn't bring you satisfaction if the plan is not aligned with God. I am happy that it seems like I don't need to spend years after climbing to the climax and then have the same regret Linda has. Moreover, "smelling" Ingrid's not-presenting problems makes me even alerted more. --> That is what I don't want to get myself into.
Shopping with honey is always a "pampering" time for me. As I say, I probably will not reach a point that I can make more money than him this life. However, noticing that I am always told I can get whatever I want makes me feel really grateful and "blissful". I forgot to check what was the total price he paid last night at Henry's. I only know that the extra amount of money compared to what I usually pay for my grocery is one of his "indulgence" behaviors toward me.
Really glad that I found a man who doesn't evaluate my worth based on how much money my job can bring home!
English and Monkie II
Getting on the flight flying to the States, the country that I have dreamed about studying abroad, assures me that God did kinda bless me with that. Though my undergraduate GPA is not anyway considered as great, GRE not so good (b/c 800 in math is really not unusual in Asia), TOEFL merely met the requirement, I had the idea that it's ok that I don't know what I want to do and study about, as long as I can try my dream, it will all be worth it!
After the confidence built from college, I somehow knew I wasn't too bad regarding oral English skills. However, there were lots of shocking frustration when coming to the States in 2004-- talking to cashier! Every little thing was new to me. I didn't know what to call a "check"; I couldn't read the menu (who know what a western sunshine is.... and before finishing glancing the menu description, the waiter had already waiting for you...!!) ; I didn't expect in fast food restaurants, cashiers would ask you about meat preference, fries preference; I had no idea what to answer when being asked about salad dressings! (and it didn't help that he mumbled one round with all the options for me) Looking at all the Taiwanese students who were years ahead of me looking confidently speaking English (or ignoring some part of conversation), I wasn't comforted that everything would be alright. Besides, I had huge "culture shock"/ adjustment problem at the first couple days in the States. Mimi's comment for me later was, I looked like a little horrified helpless animal.
I immediately dropped my first class after having no idea what the teacher was talking about for 3 hours. However, 3 classes/ 9 units was still minimum for international student, I soon gave up my ambition of participating in research with professors because of the indifference professors showed and the fear of not competent in English.
Church was a great help for me at that time. Though I am not confident enough about myself, I can tell almost all Taiwanese students didn't talk to teachers when they had questions or hang out with non-Chinese speakers. PRISM, the Meyers family, and the Hanns family were my castles in my "studying abroad" fairy tale. They are all great Christians, who made me feel connected like families, and they all are friendly to international students either because their past mission experience or current ministry. I even had met Ronn Hann, being his personal tour guide when he visited Taiwan. Enjoying the friendliness and ignoring the awkwardness were my ways to help me keep spending time with them. Thanksgiving, Christmas vacations I didn't go travel with Taiwanese friends but stayed in American family for days. It surely was fun, but it was also draining and scary in certain extents. I remembered I would always try not to be alone with the Grandpa in Meyers family because he loved to joke and I couldn't understand his jokes. The easiest and maybe most encouraging time were playing with toddlers and babies! ha! But don't get me wrong, both families were super great to me. And, I did see that having American families to hang out with was really unusual for international students. Lots of friends even having been in the States for couple years may still have no close interaction with Americans.
After the first year adjustment period, I finally switch church to American church instead of Chinese church. Before that, I sometime went to Bellefield presbyterian church when I want to meet with Meyers family or simply slept late on Sundays. Go to services in American church means at the beginning only worship time means something to me-- it was super difficult to catch the whole sermon the pastor preached about. I somehow really wanted to be involved in the English environment plus having a real church relationship there. Therefore, I contacted the youth minister through other people and finally got into a small group where everyone is American there. (Remember, at that time, if I could choose, I definitely prefer email contact information over phone number. Mitch, the youth minister, later wanted to meet me in Panera made me nervous a lot then! )
I spent the whole next year participating in the small group. That was a great small group that I truly think God prepared for me. Starry was the leader who's a pretty, smart Caucasian. She's a pastor's daughter and she had lived in Taiwan when she was little for several years! Amy was ABC who is really friendly to me. Later Karen W. joined small group too. Among three of them, Starry's Chinese was the best! Having 2 Asian-looking people there ease my nervousness a lot. I still remembered I was always afraid the chatting time before our lesson every Wednesday night. If we were merely reading/ discussing the Bible, I would at least have the Bible to look at in order not to get lost. (and quickly check the Chinese version to understand what the main context of the passage is about) However, the chit-chat was hard, especially when someone told a joke and everybody laughed!....except me, because I totally didn't catch not only the meaning but also the words at all. I have been super grateful that they were extremely patient and friendly with me. It took me a semester before I volunteered sharing my ideas among the discussion. By the time I graduated from U Pitt, the whole small group came to my graduation commencement to celebrate for me! I was so thrilled that they would do that for me! That was a really great memory chapter in my life!
Moving to California was my next move! Having the "unpleasant" Chinese church experience and nice American church experience, it didn't take me lots of effort to decide I would like to find a nice American church here. One friend happened to take me to visit Saddleback church on the first Sunday after I flew here. And then, it becomes my home church.
Staying in aunt's place doesn't really help with my English, however, getting involved in church helps greatly! Before deciding taking the membership class, I also attended another American church close to Covina and joined one of the small group there. With the practice in pittsburgh, interacting with people in English didn't scare me that much anymore. And it also makes exploring church in "English" environment bearable and fun on the top of the stress of job searching. I caught chance to getting more involved in Saddleback after a ministry fair, and started my working with Americans in English life stage. There were still awkwardness when I couldn't understand what the musician told me but I was the only one who controls the soundboard. I went to career ministry faithfully once a week for couple months by myself and made friends there. Accepting the request of being the soundman in Tuesday morning's Foundation class even if that means I need to drove down here at 6am in the morning. Going to small group, contacting orchestra people to get information about learning cello, joining gospel choir and went through the stage that people were different from me in life stages. I also remembered at the beginning that because I didn't know the music term in English so I couldn't catch what the conductor was trying to say. Thankfully that God has gave me music talents to catch up by myself and singing in the choir for whole year helped me pronounced words faster because of the requirement of some tempo.
Then I made another huge scary decision which is going to the counseling ministry. Just to answer your concern if you have-- yes, I did feel it is probably impossible that I can be a counselor who needs to work by talking to people in English. I still went to the class thinking that would be their problem of deciding if I am good enough to be a counselor, and I only need to catch every opportunity that is available in front of me. Again, I didn't catch all the class contents at the beginning. However, after 8 months, I can understand Bob more and more. I even get used to his way of talking and joking.
There has been another help in my life that contributes to my English growth a lot-- my super awesome bf. He has been really patient with me, correcting my mistakes, answering my questions and encouraging me all the time pointing out my improvements and growth to me. We still laugh that when we first started dating, I would get really nervous calling him on the phone. I would want to plan how to start, how to end. And if possible, I wanted to write instead of talk because that was still easier for me then. Having a Caucasian bf surely helps greatly in my English however there has been great challenges too. We need to talk about all the intentions, implications honestly up front, give up the guessing game or dancing pattern. We made the choice of working on communication (maybe for the rest of our lives) and always believed each other has the best intention if any doubt in language confusions. He is the sun in my life not only helping me with my English but also lots of areas in my life. However, I will need to write another article about that because they will definitely be out of topic.
I just finished my first year of seminary training getting As in most of my social science courses. (even better than my American classmates) I have been the lay counselor at church starting last fall. I can now call without fear and hesitation when I need to use phone to find out answers. I now read English bible, not Chinese one anymore. There are still lots of space that I can improve in English (for example, I am still super lazy to catch my own writing errors, which my bf complains a lot). Just to write down the little journey that I have been in learning English. This could be a nice little gift for my bf who accidentally believed that my English was ??? before.
:)
English and Monkie
English ignited my interest when I was only a little girl. I still remember playing in the bathroom mumbling words that did not make sense at all while showering. I wholeheartedly believed that I was speaking English. That was during my elementary school years.
When I became a six-grader, mom took her friend's suggestions (and asked about our wills) sending me and my sister to Hess English School. From there, I learned English from the letters and greetings. Finally I didn't need to mumble pretending speaking English. I knew how to speak English!
The three years in Hess, I had lots of first experiences about English. I got my first and only English name, Karen. I participated impromptu speech competition and won the first prize. I was sent to dictionary look-up competition before I ever had a dictionary and knew how to look up in the dictionary but still got the first prize (the only points being taken off were because I didn't understand how to read the dictionary Chinese typesetting therefore I answered the translation wrong.) I was also picked to participate in the recitation competition. This time I only made it to the second round, and didn't make it to the final. Chatting to Native speaker teachers was fun. Playing games was fun. Maybe I really had some interests in English from the very beginning. During the three years of 12 level English class, I got all the first prize graduating from each level except the last one I was the 2nd prize.
After the 12 level classes, Hess has advanced English class which takes maybe another 1.5 years or 2 years to finish. I studied the first one, but didn't get to finish the next two. My dad thought my English is good enough,and I should spend that time for other subjects, for example math. The major difference of advanced class from the 12 level class is that we only have native English speaker teacher in the advanced class. That was a strong confirmation and excitement for me to study there. You no longer have a Chinese English teacher sit at the back of the classroom to help when students can not understand English teacher's words. I still remember Mike, my native English teacher, telling me he's so sorry to lose me as a student on the first day of the 2nd advanced class. (Different continents was the lesson that they were going to talk about in the class. I still remember!) In retrospect, I don't really know if stopping English really helps my math or not. However, after junior high school, my English ability no longer shined brightly as it did before.
In junior high school, English was never a subject that I need to spend time studying. Just finish the school assignment, memorize several new words, I pretty much can switch to the next subject. However, after I entered senior high, not sure what was the reason, my academic performance never got to be great any more. New vocabulary lists became too long to remember them all. Guess I was still better memorizing English lesson context than Chinese. Anyway, English was an o.k. subject in my black senior high years.
After I got into college, English class suddenly became easy again for me. I was still haunted by my poor senior high experience, however, I soon discover that my classmates were all not that great in English. Frank was one of the important and encouraging professors in my college years. He was my English teacher who constantly confirmed me that my English is as good as students who major in English. Having the best grades in class is easy for me. Oral presentation experience also helped me to see that I am somewhat better than other people. If I really need to say what changed me during that time, it could be the year in cram school preparing college entrance exam that I really studied pretty hard and brought all the vocabularies I need to know into my head. Frank kept encouraging me to enroll in a speech competition. However, during the four-year college time, I always found excuses not to go. I even enrolled at my senior year, but ended up not showing up because I didn't finish my article for the topic that we can prepare at home. :P
During college year, I tried to improve my English on and off. Time review magazine was one of the magazine I subscribed, but I don't think I ever finished reading them. However, studying abroad has already been my goal. English was an essential tool that I need to use and I didn't afraid to spend as much time as possible.
I honestly didn't have great TOEFL and GRE scores. The bad studying habits starting from senior high till college made this result not a surprise for me.
Fear
After sending out the email to brother, the familiar fear comes back haunting in my life again. I wonder how his response will be. Whether he is with me, supporting and cheerful or against me, blaming and putting me down.
***
Samuel is busy preparing the whole wedding related tasks.
***
I try to calm myself down with the upcoming trip. Won't be happy, but o.k. Maybe I should draw a map of shopping route. Honey said he would go with me wherever I want to go and whatever I want to do. Maybe I will just hang around on the streets, walking on street after street. And buy whatever little things that catch my eyes!
Have been working on this issue for a long time already. Still think it's hard to get through the "family war" trauma.
"Who is the person who hates you the most?" "My dad."
This is my line for him.
I am sure this is not therapeutic at all. Sigh..
Family Nightmare
**
Michael and Anna sleep next to me in my parents' room in Taipei. In the middle of the night, Michael murmured about the snack he just had was salty not sweet. Anna calmly talked to him and asked some water for him. Everyone went back to sleep.
All of sudden, the angry man showed up in the room. "I can't believe you let them sleep here!" shouted angry Dad. "I am sorry you feel this way. I was going to make your bed in the guest room but I forgot. Can I go make your bed now?" More blaming, more calmly owned apology and asking....
**
Shopping in the department store in Taipei. Looking for jeans section in floors. All of a sudden, sister showed up with bf next to her. "Why are you here? What is your purpose of this trip?", she asked. I pretended that I didn't see her, made another turn, took another escalator. "What is your purpose?", she chased after me and stopped me. "Mom said you should not bring up marriage or future plan. You should wait because this is not a right time to talk about that." "What do you mean by that?", I asked. "Endure and suffer" were the terms she used.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I always think if I end up seeing psychologist/psychiatrist because of depression or PTSD and need to be on medication for my whole life, my family should be happily released that they finish their mission!
愛情題
Another semi-fight tonight.
The inner part of me immediately blocked myself with anger when noticing someone got angry at me. "Not fair, I don't deserve it!", I cried. Guess this is another evidence that I am still so trapped in the little-girl struggle. Fear, anger, backing off, leave, sick, suicide. All different thoughts flew through my head. Immediately, I played my "big warm daddy" figure talked to myself in my mind. "What kind of suicide attempt you want?"
"Sleep to death!"
"Really, what else would you try?"
"Laugh to death
"That one is good.
Then the despair goes away, just the hurting and wanting to be hugged, cherished, and comforted feelings stayed.
好累，也好難。
很驚嚇受挫的接受Joe的感覺和認知。Even more is the pain of accepting anger and blame.
I am adjusting to put anger out to protect and fight. Just like while talking to mom, my agitation is just the mask of crying and hurting. I wish I am not like me.
Linda gave me an alternative way to do about TW trip. "Not fair!" I have my anger too. Why I need to put up with this? Another unfairness even is the perception about Judo's parents. I should have known that it will never be a good idea to "say bad things" about the other's parents. (not criticize. criticizing is attacking the person instead of actions and things.) Do I care more about money or people? Am I afraid that he may choose them over me? Guess he already told me that he won't. I didn't even think about a vacation that they pay for. (Now I know that people do that....um...) Since I am already making decision going to a direction that I won't make lots of money in the future, what's so important of others not making much money? Other's parents still work too. Not a big deal? Maybe I hate the prediction that how they will be viewed? Or I am frustrated that the lessons I know so well is something seems hard for them.
Uncertainty and fear emerged.
Don't even want to think about TW trip.
Wish he can immediately know what I learned and read.
Maybe I am still not used to a "regular", and not-meet-all-the-time relationship? I thought I changed and adjusted to it not too bad....?
Ok. What is the lesson?
Nah...no interest to think seriously.
Under given right circumstances, I can commit all kinds of sins.
Hate the family thing. Hate the aloneness I always always always always always feel, especially when I cry.
As long as there's God with me, even if the world is dark, I should not be afraid.
Perfect Daughter
Started reading "Perfect Daughter", a book written by Robert Ackerman which talks about adult daughters of alcoholics. I know for sure what my family's response will be if they know I am reading this book-- "what are you talking about? Your dad is not an alcoholic!" "You just like to make things worse. You have no idea what a real alcoholic is really like. Definitely not your dad."...something like that.
Was tensed from Saturday night because knowing mom will call on Sunday morning. Not so sure what she wants to talk about, but was nervous about how all things will turn out to be. No doubt, it comes to where I am going to stay in this coming TW trip. And she starts giving me "comments" and "teachings" about how wrong I am, how immature I am--that I am going to make a huge mistake even though I have never said a single word that I will not stay in the house.
I got so frustrated and agitated. Even thinking back now, I can still feel the helpless feelings that I am trapped, that I have no idea how to react and get out of my "out-of-control" feelings. Without practicing active listening, I interrupted her often, corrected her comments and false description, challenged her authority and the experience comes from seniority. I was so mad and hurt. The guilt of stopping talking to her and hanging up the phone haunted me. I felt it is super cruel to say and apply that I am not going to talk. I felt it was really hurtful to stop a mom from talking to her daughter. I felt it was so mean that I did this to her. However, I was at the same time felt so trapped, helpless, frustrated, hurt and alone.
I called Joe immediately after the phone call. Not knowing what to say or do, I just want the feeling that there is someone else to take care of me. I tried to talk to myself, like a parental figure talking to myself: "it's ok, relax...you're ok. It's ok... It hurts, right? but it's ok. Just some labels that people want to put on you. But, it's not a big deal right? What's so bad about being called as a communist?" I imagined a loving hand literally helps me lessen my tensed muscle. I tried that by speaking to myself, I don't need to act actively, but the voice will help me untangle my nerves and pat me on the back. Super typical little girl syndrome, I guess. What a typical adult daughter, who longs for that kind of care taking.
Reading the book is a bit challenging when reading some stories or situations that I can personally relate to. Tears, sighs, and sometimes laughters. I am really grateful that as much as how I can easily be used by bad people, I was protected by God in my life so far. I had super close dangerous experience of being used, but other than that, the men in my life are all not that toxic. Looking back I can see that I have always wanted the male role in a relationship to be like a big brother or even father figure. I want to demonstrate my little girl cutie behaviors. If I can make them smile, say things like "you little silly baby.." I will totally be satisfied and feel loved and secured. I love the hugs and touching that fit to what a dad will do when his little girl cries or being tucked into bed. I never have, and I am so vulnerably wanted that in my life.
Another grateful and happy thing if that Joe gets to read some Perfect Daughter with me. The sense of I can just read it to him without repeating or summarizing to him later by myself adds lots of joy to it. And, I like the information discussion and sharing part in our relax time together.
Whew~
This is such a heavy and hard issue for me. Going to CR helps me identify my struggles and broadly tracing out the cause and root. However, learning more about the issue now looks like really beneficial. I am excited and open to see how I can get better in recovery through the learning process. Taiwan trip becomes not that fun anymore. The feeling of the need to emerge and get used to Joe's family adds on the top of this moment-- the moment of feeling I am cutting the separation line clearly with the FOO. *sigh*
