做自己

在這裡這些年來，這是最不舒服的一個階段。 不知道為什麼acculturation變得很像心頭患。是英文還是很爛，還是不是單身有差，還是我就是天生奇怪？我不知道，而這很讓我心煩。

是因為有努力想要交朋友、要有新團體，所以才對無聲的、不如預期的反應很失望吧。有時候情緒可以到一種攻心的階段，很不舒服。我經過很多抑或是自己辦不到、自己不在意、自己可能可以辦到、別人可能一點也不在乎的階段。照理來說，現在也只是依種類似與相仿，我會想，是因為自己在意，所以變得弱勢了嗎？

我不知道之前的meta教會怎麼辦到的。leader們對大家超好還可以想見，但是為什麼我當初的羞拙生澀竟然也可以優游自如的在那裡過著。我記得蹦蹦跳跳去找senior牧師然後跟他擁滿懷的照相。他的接納怎麼可以那麼高，而這裡現在我身邊的這群為什麼那麼冷漠。

然後我覺得是不是我這個亞洲臉孔就注定要待在亞洲人圈了？突然間又把一切怪給加州這個對我來說很不美國的地方。把我丟到其他很稀少華人的地方，就算被視而不見、刻意忽略我都可以不以為意。在這裡好多黃臉孔，我卻只是一次一次的被自己假想的"他們可以、我卻不行"給深深刺激著。

如果我明天就要離開，現在會有什麼是我想做的呢？做自己，好讓自己闔眼時不是只是飄過別人對自己的評價吧。

笑著的老爸

家裡說，下午要帶老爸去針灸。我想像著他坐在車裡的畫面

。

應該不會是坐前座了吧？他和爺爺一樣，總是堅持要坐前座。我從來沒有深究是身分問題呢，還是只是單純偏好。會是有精神還是想睡呢？坐別人開的車，老爸一向握著窗上的握把，不多話，忘了會不會當passenger seat driver。臉部表情會笑還是安靜？腦袋裡有的選項畫面不多，老爸現在，是常笑、常沈默還是沒有表情？

我把電腦桌面換成了U Pitt畢典的大合照。老爸旅行時常常很龜毛。那次大旅行，他有很多要求、堅持和意見--是個固執的傢伙，而我也在這方面完全像到他。半個月內，其實有很多爭執和不愉快。畢業典禮那天他卻笑了很多。看著照片，我想老爸應該有偷偷地開心和感到驕傲吧？我希望他有。

不過數秒，思緒一下子轉到這樣表情的老爸是不是從此消失了？馬上鼻頭一酸，整個人垮了下來。

很難想像媽咪的疲累。聽她的沈鬱的描述正在做的事，我投射了很多很多的心急、無奈、頹喪、掙扎，甚至是眼巴巴的期望。

我想像著老爸坐在車裡的畫面。如果可以，我想要換一個會說、會反應、會要求、會固執甚至是罵人的老爸，至少媽咪可以有人陪，至少她蒸魚煮食，會有人或是欣賞或是吐槽。

我現在換不到，只能扯扯上帝的大衣，指指腦裡的畫面，丟給祂。老爸曾經有一天笑著，在我的畢業典禮上，千里迢迢的飛來參加，賞我禮物和美食大餐。我曾經有過這樣一段，我很幸福，有我的老爸。

期待康復的加油 (1)

八月十五日。老爸倒下超過三星期。

結了婚，趕回了台灣，見到了臉龐，心疼眼淚卻是越來越無聲的巨大。這三週的心情雜亂得無法處理、思考或記下。總是在夜裡躺在床上，腦袋才清楚的想著和回憶著。

facebook裡的農場遊戲，殺蟲劑除草劑輕輕噴撒就草除蟲盡了。老爸肺裡的痰要吸幾罐藥、拍擠次背、抽幾次痰才會改善？老爸腦袋裡的安靜什麼時候才可以進步、反應？

外院醫生沒有想要接的，醫院護士不耐粗心。是要在沒有人為優渥的環境下，才可以毫無疑問的確信一切的進展都是上帝的功勞吧。上帝的話有能力，上帝的權柄勝過醫藥和人力。老爸屬祢。你接招。拜託了。

婚禮倒數11天 Wedding count down 11 days

快結婚了！好不真實。

最近一邊努力刪去to-do list上的task，一邊也忙著把未來老公的家當搬進我小小的studio。夏天很熱，這星期的高溫都到90多度，祈禱希望下週會涼快一點。

我不喜歡event planning。一整個婚禮籌劃過程很多繁瑣的事情，加上不懂得怎麼做去哪裡問，心情常常很浮躁，也吵了不少架。和安柏聊天時，她都會很優雅的提到她朋友不斷在婚禮籌備過程禱告的經歷，我因此真的是被一次一次在耳朵邊提醒，要禱告，不要自己瞎忙。

近期的超級大感恩是有多年wedding coordinator經驗的朋友主動提及可以幫忙。一直到接近婚籌的尾聲了，我才清楚這是我需要的幫忙。一些朋友在百忙中給意見伸援手，我很感激，但是這樣的有人帶頭拉著我跑，才是我最需要的幫助。很感恩，也在不多的時間裡盡量要繼續做不是很懂的事情。好家在，和老公的互動一直是柳暗花明又一村的在浮躁中，屢有驚喜。

為著婚籌的壓力鬧脾氣，為著一個環境裡的生活習慣在磨合，練習用好的方式表達和溝通，有心灰意冷的時候，但我永遠忘不掉，我們一起南下去幫一個朋友garage sale的忙，一路爭執著，到了家後，他卻進屋捧出一個紮著白色大蝴蝶結的大紅禮物盒出來。我愣在那裡一句話也說不出來。

一場好深刻的體會--我們有爭執、有相左意見、有無意或間或有意的傷害，但我還是愛你。

54 days count down

Recently, there were couple fights between us. In the middle of them or even after them, I sensed the fear and uncertainty about future. That feeling haunts me for a while. It is a feeling which seems like singles won't be able to grasp. At least I don't find single friends understand it. I try not make it look like complaints. No one really gets to hear what is going on. I wait and pray. I feel God does not respond when I want Him to. I expected and found out that weekend sermon was again something about mission.

Listening to the audio book while driving down to OC, I heard a word that resonates with me so strongly- fear. It is because of the fear that I want to defend and protect myself. It is because of the fear that I think I need to fight instead of opening up myself. I recall the arguments during the fights, that I literally picturing myself putting up armors and getting tough. My so-called enemy is this man who is soon going to be my dear husband. How sad.

Soon sister-in-law wrote in the email back to me about what it means to be a wife. She said, two things, respect your husband and always always put God at the center. Messages come from her has no showing off, no judgment but full of sincerity. I appreciated those insights and made the decision to ponder on them more.

Self-centeredness is probably what I got myself into. I think about what I want, what can make me feel safe, what I may like, and what can assure me happiness and joy in the future. Although I may not know the correct answer, I was still so into busying thinking about them and maybe figuring them out. I look at him not as a man who is committed in this relationship and has been working so hard despite our language and cultural difference, but a guy who can not understand all I know, I say and my past. Maybe I was so into the temptation of changing him, I feel defeated by the fact that it can not be achieved.

I am still not as stable and mature as I would like myself to be. Luckily, God somehow still manages to send me messages to the core of my heart. I think about my perseverence when learning how to drive. "If that many people can drive on the road, I should be able to as well." If that many people have gone into marriages, I should be able to as well. I just need to be reminded over and over and over that I am not here to find someone to fulfill me, to meet my needs or to make me happy. I am here to serve and give. I am here to practice living with a king who I respect wholeheartedly. Maybe then in the future, I will be better when seeing God and living with Him. Um, I think this applies there too.

I need to remind myself that I can be tempted to go into the thoughts about "who is the best man who suites me" or "these are the signs that you have found your soul mate". Not that those are unachievable, but I guess those should be bonus but not the goals of going to a marriage. Ha. I can namelist people who will disagree with me on this idea. Will see.

流水帳_Celebration & Others

5/23 Janet和Amber幫我們辦了一個非傳統型的wedding shower。先是co-ed(男女都有)，再來是變成一個outdoor BBQ。看著evite invitation 送出來，好興奮喔。有人為我辦一個party! 我們還是東落西丟似的，一個一個把相關的information組織起來，記得光是一個gift registry，我就瞪著好多vendor不知道要選誰。

很感謝兩位伴娘們花費很多精神勞力，在很多細節上處處可以看到他們的用心。朋友去去來來，原來這就是當主角的感覺--一個人來，就要趨前寒暄感謝。

Josh在我們的要求下，為我們做了surprise小儀式，我整場笑不停，像是鬧劇一般，還拿著Janet給的大粉紅塑膠閃亮亮戒指玩。心裡其實對七月底的婚禮比較不太龜毛緊張了，有那種"就這樣吧"的灑脫感。心裡還在消化朋友戲謔的"你要變人妻了"是什麼意思。

終於在Amber和 Becky的幫助下，把婚禮當天造型和妝搞定。大鬆一口氣阿。同時我也發現自己很不會社交，不只英文不行，竟然連中文我也很安靜。真是訝異。

很想要快點結束這種敢著交件，卻沒有一個可以放鬆用力的專注感。還是趕著在最後兩週把報告寫一寫、書讀一讀、考試考一考、工作作一作。選住處呢，也是這裡趕去看一下、那裡討論一下，說雖說我在瀟灑，寫著也會煩躁起來，怎麼會這樣。

記得剛開始籌備婚禮，Minie問我開始吵架沒，我大笑著跟她分享我們都有的經驗。

其實回過頭來，我知道我最不安穩的原因，是因為很久沒有很安穩的回到信仰裡阿。很ironic但是卻很真實，在GG有過，在這裡也是。剩下的60天，我別無選擇的需要好好依靠。

史茵茵

很意外的在facebook上瀏覽到關於史茵茵的資料。她是見過面不甚相熟的吉他社學姊。高二時耳聞她在前一年以高一新生之姿奪下民歌比賽個人組冠軍。該年的民歌比賽，我們這群小學妹拱學姊繼續比賽，茵茵說我們不懂，現在參加呢，得名大家會覺得你佔位子，沒得名，反而會有耳語。聽到學姊演唱現場的功力是在活動中心地下室。是什麼節目倒是忘了，我在聖誕晚會表演前驟然退社，其他細節倒也不清楚了。

很驚訝的看到學姊走上表演人的路。更訝異她竟然唱起福音歌曲！高中的我是躲給團契學姊追的掛名基督徒。上大學後曾經在校園營會裡跟北一團契學姊認親和道謝，不過卻對誰誰誰上教會沒有任何印象。

學姊聲音還是好好聽喔。花了一些時間把youtube上的記錄都聽了一遍。喜歡！紅樓、女巫店、西門町這些搞藝術的點，很容易激起我的回憶。默默的放上她的廣告連結，希望她如網誌上寫的能live to the fullest.

這裡也有的"傳統"

台灣有三個月前不說懷孕的習俗，沒想到這裡也有。沒很仔細聽過是不是台灣有除了因為前三個月，仍是不穩定的初期，所以未免以後麻煩，不大說的原因，這倒是這裡我聽到的唯一解。有空應該來查查台灣的懷孕成功率。這裡竟然有高到25%有可能在初期就流掉。這是普遍的數據喔，沒有特別針對高齡產婦群。很懷疑是西方人比較不易受孕，有很多的人工懷孕的技術，還是其實台灣也一樣，只是我不知道而已。

咦，不過像台灣高齡名人用人工技術懷孕，懷雙胞胎，這跟這裡觀察的現象很像。人工的助孕易造成多胞胎。

學妹

在msn難得的碰到很愛很愛的學妹。短暫的聊天裡，有股安定的力量傳過來。喜歡她一點點為我提醒關於婚籌的小細節，更喜歡知道有人在海的另一端關心著我的感覺。

最開心的是提供了小小的面試技巧。突然間有種，這幾年不管是在Career Ministry自己的學習、或是面試的實戰、抑或現在的工作單位，有點讓我派上用場，為大人物加油的感覺。很有幸福的感覺。

加油喔。祝你工作面試順利！當然最好是可以negotiate到假期，七月來找我！呵呵！

星期一

每個星期一進到辦公室，當同事或老闆問起我的週末過得如何時，我總是得停下來想想，到底週末是怎麼過的。想想覺得很好笑，感覺上像是日子過了卻沒有深刻記憶的一般。

這個週末照例是功課週末。雖說我們刻意的留了星期天下午出去走走，討論婚禮相關事情細節，還買了wedding party的禮物，我的腦袋在星期一早上還是沒有什麼印象。

意外的找到了一些朋友的網誌，看了一些近況。在明天有一篇paper要出的節骨眼上，這種舉動實在是很廢吧。我有那種成癮的感覺，應該要找一個查字典不用上網的方法，浪費的時間拿來努力，應該會有一些收穫吧。

一直覺得自己要練習慷慨和大方，可是錢越少的時候，就越難辦到。（但不正就是這樣才需要練習嗎？）J總是對朋友很慷慨，我常常就在一聲令下後，刷卡買單。可是心裡真的有在掙扎，好多錢喔...我花了好多錢耶。

住處和J的side project是最近的大事。夾雜在原本的學校和婚禮上，我的工作已經延宕很久了。今天數了數，剩沒多少時間，網站要快點更新完，不然不好交代。J問我可不可以盡快接手婚籌，所以他才能專心的去忙side project。噫。

把神推開很久，再拉回來。很期待有一天家人也懂這樣的連結，也期待很像家人的他可以懂。J說我對自己的自信不夠，我問他，嫁到這裡來，也是很勇敢值得驕傲的一個理由嗎？

我想了想，有點頭緒的覺得婚禮會美妙，應該是在家人維繫想要努力籌備的歡悅中吧。不記得哥的那場細節是什麼了。在外唸書的我似乎參與的不是很多。這場沒有一路長大陪伴的背後撐腰，沒有以前以為婚禮一定會有的，不過沒關係，至少新郎比我想像得好很多。我想要的virtue，但願我可以慢慢慢慢的一點點一點點學到心裡。

Wedding preparation IV

坦白說，這個quarter以來籌備婚禮的都不是我。J很體貼我的功課load，雖說這裡的習俗婚籌是新娘一肩挑，我的新郎卻在工作、專題之餘，還要煩惱房子的事，再加上目前所有婚禮的對外對內打理。心疼。

四篇報告三個考試加一個期末，是寫到天荒地老後還剩下的份量。J一直希望我可以加速的提前完成才能加入他的行列，我好像一直不夠快，時間一直一直的飛走。

http://karenandjoe.brides.com 不過我翻了所有的中文上網站，姊的一封信，就決定開始動工。完成時很得意，也為姊姊的幫忙張羅很興奮感動。

耳朵的聲響看了幾百塊的醫生還是存在阿。醫生說兩星期，好吧，繼續等看多久才會好。今天試用鼻噴劑，似乎有點太含蓄了一點。遵守一天一次的規定，就明天再試吧。

最近幾封朋友間的信讓心裡很暖。

這幾天好開心阿。嘗試放鬆讓耳咽管可以好轉。很多的功課也沒關係。雖然不會在婚禮上看到老老老友，我好像越來越有，真的，要嫁的這個人在那，才是最重要最幸福的。

早午餐的buffet好貴。J為了我的慌亂還是決定花上這筆錢。我有點愧疚。還可以從哪賺到多一點錢?

遙遠的家。人。

在照片裡看到姊和哥一家的出遊。看著小侄子抽高的身長，有股意料外的帥氣。想像著沒有入鏡的兄嫂，是在掌鏡還是沒有出席。

在照片裡看見狗兒和父母的出遊。只是爬山。家附近。老父拄著拐杖，竟有爺爺的感覺。想也可笑，和爺爺一向言語不甚通暢的我，沒懷疑過爺爺會看到我而心煩。對著這相片裡的老父，我卻有很多的問號和不確定。

Out of sight, out of mind。在我偶爾嗔唸J的定期和家人褒電話粥，其實我知道這是有益和健康的。說是害怕家人，另一角度看來，我想他們應該也覺得是被我遺棄了吧。

倒數的籌備心得

J陪著我們把邀請卡做好了。一切手工自製，沒有特別華麗繁複，只是簡單的資訊而已。我很毛躁，不知道是不是因為氣惱和自己想像得不一樣，好像我的天分不大夠，想像的和做出來的有差。

談論著吃食的問題，價錢、幫手和值不值得。因為我看得是細節，沒有決定小項的結論對我來說似乎等於沒有。我懷疑自己很容易吹毛求疵看不足，而不是看有的、收穫的和幸福的。和自己拉鋸戰讓自己想很多為什麼。就像我常常高談不能抱怨外在和環境，我卻覺得自己有這樣子的傾向。

很遺憾的我的抱怨還是沒有妥善的處理。分析的過程中彷彿無可避免的傷了他。我的尊重功課還是沒學得太好。怎麼樣才能把那種敬重尊敬的態度內化，徹底的了解愛與尊重這種等值的需要在個體上的差別。他是一個innovator，需要親密的支持和相信。我被賦予了一個很特殊的身分，是別人都拿不到的，而這是這個職位上的"切口"，我得快點上手才行。

我想到兩個完全不同的學妹，一是家境富有不愁吃穿，一是有內化的涵養，沒有被物質定論的風骨。我常常看著她們心想，我想要哪一種氣質？哪一種才是重要的，才是值得投資的方向。很多時候特別是在自己身上，才發現說說容易做起來難。我已經要離家了，上一輩的榮耀功績或是失誤，都已經不能是我的藉口。看著西方社會青年早早就獨立起來的負責態度，我的欣羨要快點收起，急起直追才比較實際。

說怕不怕？會怕。希望有一個manual對照我做得如何。

支持

我轉向支持的方向，大鳴大放的宣告我的愛、喜歡和感激。這像是一種慣性的反射動作，在刺到不安全的殼時，左右張望，--跳！

常常在腦裡響起"他恨我"這個聲音。最近的進步是我喊出了稱謂，一次。不知道有沒有人聽到，我的心可是撲通撲通的緊張得要命，這個難得的跨步。

往開朗的一邊想。我想著新家人要開心的來看我們，想著不敢坐飛機的奶奶竟然也要過來加州，畫笑臉記住大家的好。向後轉，這邊和預期不相符的反應，不可以多做解讀、庸人自擾，知嗎？

五月要緊鑼密鼓的來臨了。繃著等待著。這一個異地空間，我要把異變成熟悉，要勇敢堅強。

五月

五月就快到了。這一個月有很多很多以星期為單位的deadline。決定要輕鬆的面對，這樣才有機會享受"準備婚禮"的快樂面。又考掉了一個quiz，接下來有四五個報告等待，繼續一件一件做掉吧。

很開心可以繼續跟造型師Grace洽談。我終於是認清自己很不喜歡做決定這件事。這是我的弱點，也是我獨立這條路上要繼續加油的。所以mandy和mi大推薦，我就自然的決定大愛。接下去的工作有譜，感謝主。雖然錢又更少了一點，但是clippy說罩得住，我就可以接。對另一個我沒有經驗沒把握的工作，外人竟然又視我為至寶，真的是恩典。

今天約了兩個醫生門診。這將是我來美近五年來的第一次看診耶。很緊張。打電話都不知道要問什麼。希望醫生是好人，雖說已經挪出了health saving來付錢，還是心疼是錢阿。

今天好像一直都有點淡淡隱藏的開心。不是很清楚開心什麼。不過既然是開心，我就樂於現在朦朧裡吧。工作有進展、蜜月計畫有日期範圍、家人行程有新增細節、門診有著落。下一個來個...婚紗修改工程好了。喔喔，還有gift registry還沒搞定，星期四開會要來討論。

Chancellor Family Reunion

這是我第二次參加Chancellor家族的reunion了。我們交往的期間內，因為過夜需要定兩個房間不划算，除了去雙方的家庭，我們的出遊都只侷限在當天來回的範圍內。前後來了德州三次，這回，我的身分從女朋友，變成了婚期在即的未婚妻。

上一回去一個湖畔小屋，這一回相聚的地方是大伯Jim的媳婦Laura的叔公的木屋。座落在輻地廣闊的田野上。去的路程是滿山的hill, ranch,畜牧地。很大的木屋有兩層樓，落地寬敞讓我們塞20多人，每個人都有床可以睡。外面有河和湖。小孩子都很熱衷釣魚，我也終於有了我生平第一次的釣魚甩竿經驗。

因為去程先是原班機取消、換班機，後來houston機場因為storm關閉，我們的行程晚了九小時才到。當下我們決定先回Joe爸媽在Livingston 的新家，隔天一早再開六小時的車去reunion。新家真的是像個迷宮，房間、工作室、前廳、大客廳彼此相串。我們開玩笑需要一個地圖才搞得清楚我們在哪。外面的森林、庭院、車庫和工作室，彼此以前在Abeline真是迥然不同。很漂亮的房子。等他們全部整理好，下一年的reunion應該會更精彩吧。

感覺孩子們都更大了點。看到了當初一直為著禱告的小Dawson。很可愛完全不fussy的的小嬰兒。兩個嬸嬸好像都老了一點。驚訝的是瑪格力特奶奶的姪女竟然也一起來了。年齡相仿的她們，是好喜樂可愛的老人家。我們因為到得晚，其實只有一天和大家相處的時間。晚餐後，陪著孩子在玩遊戲，突然大家叫我們暫停，到客廳集合。

抬頭一看，有點傻住。大家把客廳小佈置了一番，桌上擺著cup cake排成的愛心，中間有兩張掛著緞帶的椅子，桌上佈滿禮物和卡片。我們被帶著就座，茱莉表姊說，這是大家給我們的小驚喜shower。為了不讓我們回家加州行李麻煩，大家準備了卡片和gift card。未來的公公Mike帶大家為我們禱告，大家圍著我們，讓我們拆卡片和小禮物。事後我們一個一個跟大家擁抱道謝。才知道這是完全瞞著Mike, Anna的驚喜，為著是不讓它穿幫。大家這麼有心的為我們祝福，心裡真的是很感動。

聽著大家討論來加州參加我們婚禮的計畫，我心裡想著，這就是我要嫁入的家庭了。很特別，和我很不一樣，但我很愛他們的喜樂和有神在當中的安定與正向。最後的大合照大家嬉鬧著這回我可以入鏡了。兩年前是女朋友時可是沒資格一起拍照的呢。

種族歧視的近距離接觸 Racism

這個quarter 拿了一門marriage and family therapy必修的cultural/ethic issues in marriage and family. 開學沒多久因為課程的調動，很快的就談到大概是這裡必談的種族歧視問題。我一向覺得對這個議題很冷感。過多的情緒和不理智讓我把這跟政治一樣歸類到沒必要不想淌渾水的區域。很令人意外的是，課堂上在看完一個racim group exercise的紀錄片後，整個班級一面倒的認為片中naive的白人果然是很養尊處優的優勢族群，好不容易才鬆口體會到弱勢族群的他，是處理這個議題的好模範。

說不想管種族歧視，不表示我沒有見識過。不知道是不是因為我的自我認定不是在這裡建構的，我沒有太大的欲望去澄清、去抗議、或是攻擊。但是看著影片裡張牙舞爪的黑人、落淚的墨西哥人、想被叫做中國人又要被當美國人華裔美國人，我很訝異這些minority族群呈現的無論是言論或行為，竟然都沒有引起任何一點的討論。

我天真的提出不一樣的論調，陳述在種族歧視大傘下的進步沒有被看見與讚美，另外在為種族歧視發聲時，應該可以有更深一層的自省與改變，馬上就有非裔美國同學發出不滿的意見。最後的演變是，我"應邀"在全班前面和非裔同學對話。我努力的reflect她的個人經歷、受苦經驗，搞得似乎我變成是否定種族歧視的天真傢伙。我覺得我的意見被忽略了。整個重點變成導向非裔真的還是suffer from racism。我的意見似乎穿不過牆去，停留在，「大家都攜帶非法毒品，為什麼只抓黑人」的詭異論點。說詭異是因為整個重心似乎變成大家來比誰可以犯法不被抓。怎麼沒有人想，來比誰可以不犯法？

和老師事後來來往往寫了一些email。最後給我的感覺是，這是我生平第一次覺得跟therapist說話很無趣。我聽不到她的意見，但是隱約解讀了一些不知道是否正確的潛在定見，感覺上我的意見還是對她們來講不make sense吧。也罷。不想要耗費我的一生在美國的種族歧視上。這樣子來說，我是不是其實對這件事還有負面情緒阿？

把我的論點留作紀念。

While we address existing racism, we should also actively work on eliminating bad stereotypes by doing constructive and good behaviors ourselves.

It seemed to me that no one heard what I wanted to say because statements like this quickly provoke defenses from minority groups, so my main point bounces off a wall and is not heard.

A question I want to raise related to that is ... in this country, is there still any way to address a mere fact when the fact is about negative situation with a minority group without it being labeled as racism? From my experience here in the U.S., I haven't seen any so far.

African Americans in the States had an extremely difficult time during slavery. While the situation has improved a bit (at least no black slaves now), there is still racism today, not merely between black and white, but ANY two different ethnic groups.

We should keep a dialogue going and learn how to prevent us from falling into racism either intentionally or unintentionally. But at the same time, be responsible for our own behaviors and not blame whites for everything.

Do white people cause black people to be racist? No. Why? Because people outside of this county struggle with racism too. I could list a number of examples. In my country, for example, there is tension between ethnic groups, and not a white person to blame in sight. Is racism merely an issue of differing skin color? No. Look at tension between groups outside the U.S. (Rwanda, Pakistan/India) that are all from the same "race" but have other factors that distinguish them.

While African American voice the DWB racism problem, isn't it still fact that the African Americans who are stopped were actually carrying illegal stuff? Is it the goal in the U.S. to compete with who can get away with committing a crime? Why not set a goal to "let us be the first generation who commits no crime even if we suffer from DWB?" Won't there be a time when people start to realize, African Americans no longer carry drugs even though we have a tendency to wrongly assume they do?

Tiffany shared with me that a lack of educational resources cause African Americans to retreat to drugs. So until the educational resource problem gets solved (which is proof of racism) nothing can be achieved. I feel sad to hear this because I really believe there is more things people can do to improve their situation while addressing racism at the same time.

Taiwan is not a country where education resources are equally distributed either. However, lots of people strive for education achievement because that seems to be the only way they can change the lives of their families. And our education is NOT free. We have racism between people who came to Taiwan at different times (besides the native Taiwanese), Educational deprivation, unfair arrests by police, murders, you name it--we've had it too. They also speak different languages, also, which ,like skin color, is an obvious sign of who's "in" the group and who's "out".

Just to throw out an idea to brainstorm: Don't African Americans get free education till high school like white people do here? Is there any force keeping them from finishing a high school education? From my own school application experience in the U.S., I know minorities (except Asians) have an advantage of getting into big-name schools. (Asians are actively discriminated AGAINST because their scores are too high). Do African Americans make good use of that advantage?

My goal is not to use Taiwan as the ultimate counter-argument to say what African Americans fail to do. On the contrary, I want to encourage minority groups to work harder than the majority group. At the end, we are responsible for our life, not anyone else.

Mom Visit -V

Mom went home last Saturday night. Actually, when Mom went to stay with aunt for the last time of this trip, I started getting tearful super easily. Having dinner that Mom prepared and saved for me, looking around the kitchen when seeing tiny little things that Mom has mentioned about... All and all, it seems like I am preparing myself for the departure a week ahead.

I canceled small group three weeks in a roll because I can not leave mom and go have the group meeting. I am not sure if Mom's visit this time changed anything inside of me. It surely was not easy. Not for me, and probably not for Joe especially.

Mom has been busy trying to get stuff for me. She said I need toaster oven, we went and bought one. She said I need a new set of bedding. They went and bought me one. On one hand, she worries she's adding me stuff and will make my future move harder, on the other hand, she probably thinks I should get what I need. Getting married probably also comes with have a model of home set up.

I seem to understand more of her dilemma; that she wants good for me but at the same time she's hurting and sad that I am choosing to stay here. The last day, we were just quiet for most of the time. I kept telling myself that I need to tell her my appreciation. If I want to ask her to be direct and honest, I need to do that too. It was hard and I can only spoke out, "thank you for coming here to see me." She said, o.k.. Then I started to cry. Mom said that I need to learn to be courageous and do not cry that often. She went into bathroom and we heard the sound of blowing nose. Joe said, your mom is crying too. That makes me even sadder.

All of a sudden, I found that Mom's aging. She is qualified as senior now. And that probably means I am qualified as an adult too. Why do I feel I am not like an adult? What am I lacking? dream, job, courage, maturity, responsibility or what?

I am probably experiencing the biggest loss ever since I came to the States. I started to feel jealous of my sister that she can be at home and provide the tedious care to Mom and Dad. I called and talked with Mom to make sure she's home safe and sound. Of course, she gave me a list of things that she wants me to watch out for: drive slowly, do not eat when you drive, add clothes when you get up, sleep more and do not stay up late, eat well and balanced, change your temper and anger problem....This time I did not argue with her at all. I felt I want to hear one more time her showing her love in her way. No matter what textbook says about dysfunctional family or culture problems. I found that was familiar and wanted. Although the soft heart feeling worn out after the minute-long reminders. She asked me if I greeted dad when he answered the phone. I said of course, and feel convicted inside of me. Dad's voice still has the effect of making me cry immediately without much information given.

Anyway. Back to normal life. No matter I want it or not, this is where my life is now.

Fuller 3rd quarter

My biggest whining is that I don't identify myself as a student. To feel like a student, I labeled my experience when I was at Pitt to be the real "international student" feeling. Not sure what has been different since then even though I probably can name several changes in my life.

Psychology seems to be an odd group in either society or academic setting. I wonder and am curious why Jack would comment that integration between faith and psychology is Fuller's strength. Will next fall be a different setting since I will meet my own cohort? This year's students are not that impressive than several 2-yr students I have met.

I forgot to rate 2 professors from last quarter. Bummer. Do I become more opinionated or that was just who I am and I am expressing it because I am able to talk more?

Kinda like two professors out of three so far in this quarter. The majority of the coursework will be centered around the Bible too. I am again a seminary student?! Ha. After a year, I should be better than me a year ago who ended up tearing about my first theology class.

Mom Visit - IV

Joe planned whale-watching event at Dana Point. It was a early wake-up day and it was fun. When I saw the excitement emerged from mom's sparkling eyes, I immediately got the feeling that it's all worth it.

We had lots of common dolphins swimming and jumping besides the boat. Very cool experience. We then went to the Beach House for a late lunch. Not sure what made everything changed. It was a combination of seafood, oceanview and enjoyment.

Finally pick up my wedding dress. It was humongous. Now I need to figure out how to store it.

I kept having the feeling that I can not leave mom behind. I appreciated her doing everything for me. And the most important thing is to make her happy, not the codependent or pleasing kind, but just be happy.

I changed so fast.

Oh, and the Huntington is worth visiting.

Mom Visit - III

Defeated after two weeks. I guess I am going crazy. The most miserable thing is feeling torn inside. She is mean but at the same time still catches my attention. Part of me still longs for the caring from parents. Since dad's side is an already-closed, passed tense state, mom seems to be the only hope left. She became like a grumpy old woman. In front of her, babe became quiet too. I felt I am a big loser that the whole picture looks bad and broken. I just can't take it anymore.

Why is it so difficult? Why it always need to be the overwhelmingly heart-broken feeling? Is the fine broken pieces of heart still repairable?

What is my part? that I failed to practice the small and soft yet powerful voice? that I failed to make her feel safe? that I demonstrated again that I will walk away?

I failed to call for a break in a peaceful way. I accused myself to be a loser. I hate family relationships- the one that hurts you the most, but also the one that makes you wanted the most.

Mom Visit - II

媽咪在似乎我也睡不沈。早上在上班前帶著媽咪去超級市場買菜。最幸福的事大概就是聽著媽咪說，這個甜、這個好吃、這個跟那個煮，然後一個勁兒的往菜籃丟吧。我不用擔心怎麼料理，只是負責掏錢買單，說要吃甜點，就買個幾盒，說要喝飲料，順道帶上一杯給Joe。

下午上班中間，很天兵烏龍的遇上阿姨和表姊。晚上下了班，一起出去吃飯。大家都客客氣氣的，但是我卻心疼那沒有熱絡的交談和似乎有點不搭的雙語環境。因為又想陪媽咪又想寫報告，我變得很累很無眠。眼睛常常一早起來就紅到晚，很慘。

昨晚竟然在夢裡夢到老爸。很溫柔的問我要不要重新當他的小女兒。英文聲帶，果然是夢。半夜醒來了不少次，細細的咀嚼著那種很奇怪的感覺。

收到禮服店的通知，禮服到了！另外還要找時間去拿伴娘衣服。

Mom Visit - I

媽咪要來的前幾天，興奮極了。雖然期末很忙，很努力的把家整理得很乾淨，每一處都用清潔劑好好刷了一遍。Joe也幫著我打掃廚房。
等到出發去機場，在路上我突然開始靜了下來。說是靜，竟然還有點擔心。心裡掛記著希望媽咪不要等太久，通關要順利，一邊好像也擔心到底行程該怎麼安排、時間要怎麼調配。

加上阿姨是讓很多事情不確定的因素。我一向覺得那裡是謎一般的霧裡看花，嗅得出有祕密，但是卻問不出所以然。倒是不知道應該怎麼處理。

媽咪打了電話給爸報平安。我拿過一邊耳機想聽聽他們對話的樣子到底是什麼。媽咪看我動作，直接的跟老爸說要讓我跟他講講話。來不及反應，在順勢把前一個戴上耳機的動作帶好，剛好聽見爸不耐煩拒絕的聲音。媽作勢要我講點什麼，我哈囉個幾聲，爸只跟媽持續抱怨沒那個跟我講話的必要。

拆了耳機，遁進廁所，我又再一次被影響了。練習不要自己鑽進死胡同，練習遇到事情上帝是第一個被我知會的。「他是因為害怕和不知所措吧。」我圈點這個結論，雖然不知道到時候走紅毯怎麼辦，之前禱告的有一個 civilized talk 怎麼實現，不過上帝把拔愛我是真的。緊緊抓住這個。

等媽咪的時候覺得我好像是一個有了娘可以把老公丟下的人。心裡一邊覺得不好、一邊不知道該有什麼反應。媽還是很一廂情願的以為更努力的跟Joe講國語，就是幫他練習。我常也失了準頭不知道怎麼把兩邊兩個語言兩種文化兩個人，兜在一起。

媽咪來的興奮，很快就消耗殆盡似的。那電話事件後，我瞬間很想念Joe給我的安全感。

Wedding preparation III Premarital Counseling

Every Wednesday night is our premarital counseling appointment. We have been through half of them and have talked about several areas and issues we should anticipate in marriages. We had our second fight after being engaged this week prior to going to counseling. Joe tried to make up and talked through it before hand, but I was still stubborn.

Extended family, communication and conflict resolution are all issues related to this fight. We gradually unfolded the point till we get to the detail really closely. Joe put my reactions into words really well while he described what he saw in me. My feeling aspect was puzzled with his intention and his behaviors according to my interpretation. It's like a trapped and stuck corner where the definition of love has been redefined. Therefore, love does not look that great any more. Joe said he does not want me suffer and stuff everything inside of me. He wants me and invites me to tell him everything. Bring up things in my perspective and check with him what was going on at his side.

After the session, I tried to tell Joe the minor issues happened before just to practice answering his invitation of letting him know what happened inside of me. I felt his strong and safe arms around me hugging me really tight. I listened to his clarification and explanation of the meaning of love. All of the sudden, I got an epiphany. This man, standing right here, is offering me something that I have dreamed about demanding from people who "claims" to love me. He has seen my past, and understand where I come from. However, he embraced me as who I am and is willing to go beyond to care about me and being extra sensitive to me. I guess I finally grasp that is a sacrificing love- a love that put the other person's interest before his own.

Just to keep a record of the feeling safe and assured from him.

Father-figure visit

Highlight of the day is Reggie knocked on my door this afternoon!

Looking up from my file folders, I jumped up to give him a big hug! Reggie is here again! We chatted during his short break of this Dmiv intensive class. Talked about the wedding and he promises to come! Hooray!

Reggie was my professor and big boss when I was in Golden Gate. Loved that he mentioned about the diversity of our environment and group and how he grew up being comfortable around people who are different from him. Looking back, he is probably one of the few people that have no bias or preconceived idea about other ethnic groups, and even not have any victim mentality for his own ethnic group. (or at least I did not sense anything). He was very encouraging while being the adviser of my independent study debriefing my paper with me. However, the most touching experience I had was when I am leaving Golden Gate, having financial problems, he talked to me, listened to me and showed great compassion to me. That was probably the first time I got a big hug from him.

Later we met when I first went to Fuller. He and Victor joked about how I betrayed Golden Gate and came here. It was a big surprise to see him on campus again today. Hope he will have great time in his last required class for his degree! Way to go! Doctor!

今天

今天天空很藍。寫了兩篇reading log，有完成任務的成就感。
今天坐在書店，腳和鞋子有點意見不合，搖擺撞磨。
今天吃自己烤的麵包，挖鑿心和殼的平衡。
今天對你喊，「就你了」，感謝你承接所有的傾瀉。

今天喪失興趣，機器人持續運轉。
今天看一地泥濘，我慢慢把碎片撿起。
今天想紅又黃的落葉，那種俯拾即是的隨意，
總是在兩相衝突的縫隙裡，
發現。

Wedding preparation II + week 9 murmur

Got wedding date changed again. Big bummer!

It took me couple nights to letting go that my dearest friends won't be able to make it and looking forward to have mimi there to be "my old friend". Now it needs to change again. I've noticed when things got changed or became not satisfactory, I have the feeling of not want to care about anything. No good dates to get married, so why get married? even.

It must have something to do with the expectations and trust and the disappointments altogether. And I find I don't really know that I have confidence in the unfamiliar countries.

Week 9. Got the sexuality class midterm back. Didn't get all As. Disappointed. The answers are not enough. It feels like all the efforts were not enough. Even wanted to look external for excuses.

----
Felt: abandoned. Thought: knew it's going to happen again. processing conclusion: when negative emotions come up, he will get frustrated, mad and leave.

----
Got dress finalized. Guilty about the cost. Friend said he really treasures you. I am released and confident to have him take care of you now.

Wedding preparation I

I finally started my dress shopping last week. Stores in Temple city have really bad services. Not sure if it's because they are not Taiwanese, therefore, some communications and expectations cause the problems. David's Bridal, however, was such a cool place (especially after the bad experience in Temple City). I found one dress that I really like, but my wallet doesn't like it that much.

Wedding preparation starts becoming stressful to me. I love the dream that family will help you, but hated that I can never get used to their way of communication and comparison or even put down. Mimi said, just let them do whatever they want, the most important thing is get them to pay! May sound odd, funny or even sad. However, that's probably the best strategy.

This preparation makes me know myself more that I am not a huge fan of planning details of a big project. I don't like that I ended up needing to do research, make phone calls, drive, make decisions by myself. I decided to imagine God holding my hands and hugging me all the time in the whole process. Should I apply for a wedding website? Should I make appointment to interview make-up artist now?

Do I have the problem trusting people will love me and help me in all the ways they can? Mom and sis seem to be the only legitimate people that I can fully count on. (not to mention the hassle ). However, friends are the more loving and friendly ones. sigh. Knot.com gave me over 100 items on checklist that's already due. Yep, thank you, why do I need to be the one who mark off the check list? (see how not excited I am about this...)

It reminds me about the experience when I grew up. I never knew how much money I am allow to spend. I try to be super frugal, but feel resented inside while seeing others get to spend more money and being pampered that way. My frugal expense didn't win me any compliment. Then later I occasionally want to spend money on several specific things, no matter how expensive they are, to make myself feel I am worthy spending money on.

This feeling came up while deciding the wedding band. Do they suggest the other because they don't want to spend money on me or they really think the other one is nicer? I can foresee it applies to my wedding dress too.

Another realization is accepting that my closest friends in Taiwan won't be able to make it here. In reality, they are really out of my circle of living now too. I feel wanted to make sure some people will be there, thinking that probably makes me feel treasured?

Maybe it's not much about preparation for wedding, but learning and accepting the reality before the big day.

I want a project manager for my wedding project, who will take it over and see it as his/her responsibility. Is it realistic? God, give me one!

Valentine's Day

I used to think Valentine's Day is a day when both people celebrate with each other, not just guy needs to please the woman. Not sure where I got this idea. I probably feel I don't want to take advantage of the "princess privilege."

This Valentine's Day was a very different one. I have been caught up by midterm, paper and presentations. To a degree that none of the wedding preparation has been done. I told Joe long time ago just giving me a card and don't spend money on anything else. We are pretty tight recently, and I think I don't need to stress him by giving me a big surprise or something.

Saturday, Joe was a big sad that he had to go to a dental appointment before coming to my place. I was just free from my midterm, (also know that my position will be cut soon) haven't prepared anything and didn't expect much from this holiday.

He showed up at my door with flowers and card! Several bags on his hands and he refused me taking them over and seeing what's inside. It turned out that he found some special recipes, and did homework to buy one of my favorite food- abalone! When I imagined the picture that he went to ranch 99 himself, looking through the shelf to find what exactly an abalone can looks like, I just can't help smile and feel super touched. He remembered what we shared as an fun exercise what's my favorite food and even found it himself!

The extraordinary Valentine's meal is cheese fondue, love rice, and bread pudding as dessert. Did I say Joe has the great potential to be a great cook? He proved himself that day! Though I am really not a cheese fan, the flavor of love rice and bread pudding are really really good. I am now thinking maybe I should ask for a homemade bread pudding as my birthday cake.

Grateful

Things to be grateful of...

1. I am not marrying to ex-bf, so I don't have the hassle and trouble of figuring out how to balance a traditional wedding because of his parents but insist on having a wedding that matches my belief.
--> big one to be thankful for.

2. Not bound to what lunar calendar says about what days to get married. --> Having a God who is greater than all the spiritual power saves lots of troubles.

3. I only have one side of the families to worry about regarding the wedding rituals. They are even super far away.

4. Friends to play with and form the wedding planning committee with.

Group project

I have always hated group project. Of course the main reason is that I have never had a good experience from it. And I have another group project now, and I am not enjoying it so far.

Hated the feeling of impatient and explosion, I want to find a way to affirm people and work with people that I don't agree with. However, it's hard. It also remind me that if I don't work on polishing my English more, it will bring me more and more problems working with other people.

Fairness is another issue that always kicks in. Why do I need to be the one who finds all the resource in Gottman's book just because I had read it? When I felt people are working on the wrong direction and refuse to listen or wake up, I get really really frustrated.

Anyway, I hate group project.

Love surpasses all rituals

我很想怪罪自己。是沒有念博士呢？還是因為沒有賺大錢？是不夠討人喜歡，還是本質就有問題？為什麼要一直哭，為什麼要一直受傷？為什麼不能開開心心？為什麼還是抓著很多不切實際的期望？為什麼卡在中間？為什麼不知道怎麼處理？為什麼不能沈穩的提出要求、點出問題？為什麼鬼打牆加情緒起伏超大？為什麼不能狠心？為什麼不能果斷？為什麼要有天真浪漫的幻想？為什麼不能更相信？

是不夠獨立？還是鍛鍊不夠？是界限不清不明？還是永遠跟著跳舞？

我要加入很相信的推銷團。Even though I joked about it's marketing for God, I truly want to choose that side and say, "God, here is all I have, it's so little, please help me. Please love me with no condition, please be happy for me, please take care of all the details for me, please handle this for me."

我很不會下決定，我很依賴別人的意見。我只是在找不到意見時就連unsafe people's 也聽了進去，然後就受傷了，然後就哭了。可是哭只會讓眼睛不舒服，沒有辦法解決問題，還是禱告比較好，因為比較有效。

馬丁路得日雜記

先招了，這篇雜記跟馬丁路得一點關係也沒有。

這兩天情緒又是大起伏。朋友問我，怎麼知道Joe很愛我？我想最強力的安定劑是他一個勁兒的要保護我，特別是在我自己都飛蛾撲火，不覺得是危機的時候。在那種當下，其實我很不諒解他，覺得他似乎很絕情。但是當我在一次潰堤，我才知道我得承認一部份的我還讓我的desire主宰著我，不肯相信既定的事實。

媽想要讓我知道她愛我，我一邊聽著卻同時全身細胞都覺得痛苦。很多時候很想把所謂的boundary全都丟了吧，怎麼那麼痛、怎麼那麼難？我看得到我想直接跳回去，跟著玩family dance，一起繼續manipulation, guilt 和indirect。因為大家都習慣，因為沒有刺，因為很簡單。

babe拿到第一個面試了！超讚！

Reminder-unasked advice

It didn't take long for me to receive another unasked advice from someone who had heard my prayer request in a group sharing setting. My radar wasn't on for a while. Only till later the awakening realization sunk in and I started feel intruded and unsafe. This has been the second time ever since I was exposed to the rule of "only focusing on yourself and do not offer advices, comments or suggestions if not being explicitly asked."

It is because of my personal experience that makes me understand deeply how hurtful and destructive unasked advice giving can be. I want to remind and encourage myself to be the safe person and don't resemble this mistake like others who may or may not be aware of this principle.

Gender fish bowl practice observation

During the class today, professors took about 20 students who volunteered to participate to do the gender fish bowl practice. Women go first, everybody listen, and then guys turn.

Other than the content difference to the questions: what was it like for you growing up as a boy/girl, I notice some differences between women and men's group.

It's interesting to see guys sit down as a circle and try to share. Not sure if this is a gender difference or preference difference, here are some things:
1. Someone pointed to another man to be the first guy to start sharing, while women seem find volunteer to be the first one to share.
2. Guys then follow the circle taking time share, while women took the popcorn style letting whoever want to share go.
3. Guys tend to share something about others. Even though they eventually get to the point of their own experience, they seem to have more "difficulty" go right into the topic? Not sure if this is a gender difference, or just not used to practice a lot. I wonder if in CR group, men started like this also but gradually get more used to "dive to the core".
4. There seem to be fewer women struggle with lacking female adult model around them while most men didn't have emotional connection/access to male adult model.

--
This kind of activity looks fun to have in a safe small group setting. Should be a good chance to touch feelings and explore about individual's own growth and lessons from peers.

Can international students ask questions in class because of language problems?

Want to be better.

Got a first-time response from professors that they prefer students not asking them questions during class simply because of language barriers. I felt offended.

I don't feel ashamed of letting people see I have online translator on during class. I look up words I hear that I am not sure about meanings. One student once told me "sorry, I saw that you were looking up words using dictionary. I was not sure if you don't want people to know that.." I don't understand. To the opposite, I felt proud that I can guess what the word I just hear might be and find it in seconds. Do people really think non-English speaker is lower than normal people? Do I think people who don't speak English better than me are second-class?

Save a special me for you

Had the chance to practice the personal guideline today. Though that person had no bad intention at all, he appreciated me speaking up the boundary up front and apologized for his insensitivity. While I made that decision, I was thinking about the person I love. My heart filled with joy that I can follow personal guideline because I truly want to love my fiance and want to protect our relationship.

Joe is the first person that I've ever met who had really strict personal guideline regarding relationships. I remembered the first time reading that and totally in awe that there is someone in the world who intentionally want to avoid confusion and misunderstanding in the relationships between men and women. One example that is totally opposite to Joe's case was a guy I met in Urbana. He came to me telling me how much he cares about mission especially related to Chinese people. We exchange contact information and he actually wrote and called me after the conference. However, after I told him that I am following this rule of not spending time alone with somebody that I am not dating with, he just disappeared. The dream, passion and interest that he shared before seem doesn't mean anything at the end. The suggestion of visiting my small group at that time, of course, never happen either.

If everyone has the chance to win a life-time big prize in their life, I think Joe is it! I am super grateful to have him- someone who is so dilligent, careful and humble especially in the area of personal growth and maturity.


---Guideline Example---

I have some guidelines that I follow when I spend time with guys as a single woman. Basically, unless I'm specifically dating a guy, I don't spend time with him alone. That comes from an awareness of mistakes I've made in my own life (giving guys the wrong impression or them giving me the wrong impression) and trying my best to avoid that common miscommunication and misunderstandings that arise between men and women.

So, if you'd like to get together in a group of 3 or more, that would be great.

Educator or Therapist

Two of the classes already started. Professors are all pretty cool and funny. While thinking through those class project, I started wonder what my future role really will be. Therapist seems to be a short term goal that I can have one way to make money. Educator seems to be a long term goal and more practical, especially in the sense that you can give a crowd something new and have an influence on them.

I remembered Joe's observation that I always get nervous and tensed when something changes. New quarter is another change; wanting to be good is another stress source again. Even to "fathom" future life is another stress as well.

Really like the point we talked about in class today that sexuality and spirituality are intricately connected. I somehow got the idea that they are both relational and powerful and the unspoken part of touched feeling makes me want to get closer to God.

Matt said he's happy seeing me and Joe getting even closer. While enjoying the feeling that I really want to spend time with Joe, I am reminding and cheering myself up as well to enjoy the time spent with God.

Marriage, family, life goal, China trip, educator, therapy, school plan, life plan, money, job, ...and all and all. God's the big and top umbrella.

聖誕禮物 Christmas Gift

Joe小心翼翼的對我說，因為準備Engagement，就沒有心思設計特別的聖誕禮物了。他開心的拆完禮物後，給了我我的禮物。嘴裡還說，我們之後去逛街，我可以挑我想要的東西當禮物。
Joe said he did not get to get a really special Christmas gift for me after the draining planning of engagement. He wanted to tell me that I can go get other gift besides this one that I am going to open after he got his gifts.

拆開包裝我超級興奮！是那個飛機上的餅乾！
I was super excited after opening the wrapping! It's the cookie I got on the plane!

話說十月底為了visa問題飛去加拿大時，飛機上發了很很很很好吃的小餅乾。我吃了一包，就把剩下的帶回來要給Joe品嚐。他吃了以後也說好吃，不是很甜，但很有特別cinnamon味道。我曾經想過留下空包裝，之後來找到底可以在哪買到。後來不了了之，誰知道，Joe竟然留了包裝而且上網找到，訂了這個要送給我！
When I flew to Canada for the border run, I got a special kind and super yummy cookie on the plane. After tasting the first one, I intentionally saved the rest of them home for Joe. This kind of cookie is not really sweet and it has a special cinnamon flavor. Joe liked it too! I thought about keeping the bag and look for it later, but decided that I didn't want to go through all the troubles. However, Joe did exactly I thought about doing, and ordered this as gift for me!

Yummy Cookie!超級開心和感動。
I was really happy and touched with this yummy cookie gift!

誠實的愛

這陣子的徬徨在昨晚下了決心，選擇誠實的愛，誠實的面對自己、神和別人。不要成為對別人造成模稜兩可壓力的人，說話要誠實坦率，迂迴和影射都是不值得學習的。

朋友鼓勵我在面對婚姻的新挑戰時，要專注在更重要的事情上。接受有時候最親近的家人最不支持是ok的，雖然很痛很傷，但是新的力量是從神來，而不是人與人間不完美、各樣理由的私心。我想無私和奉獻可以用到各樣層面，就像mentor誠實的說如果她的兒子將來不是娶白人，她也會錯愕和訝異。不能照著自己的計畫走，當然會不開心。不過，當兒子最後真的決定了，她的角色就會便城是祝福以及選擇接納和相愛那和自己不同的對方。這樣的成熟包容的愛，讓我很嚮往和動容。

卡在Joe和家庭中間，常常很痛苦。Joe很心疼我每次講完電話後停不住的淚水。我說，我決定了當每每想起和家人間那種不肯定的痛苦懷疑，就告訴自己上帝很愛很愛我;我是祂最鐘愛的女兒;當祂看著我，是會像Joe一向微笑疼惜的；祂在乎我的婚事，關心、也為我開心。

他點點頭跟我說會保護照顧我，就像Paul說的一樣。Becky說她學會哄父母，在心裡嘆氣但是退變成看他們的任性和賭氣。我只是很多喟嘆，是什麼樣的包袱讓東方父母和子女之間要那麼多的眼淚、遺憾和不必要的拐彎抹角和無所適從。他說至少我們可以努力，讓我們以後的家，變得不一樣。

很捉襟見肘的付這個學季的學費。家裡覺得我很不知恥靠別人的幫助，我要學習珍惜被栽培、支持往我覺得應該前行的路去。不富有並不丟臉，不要被金錢綁住更是我要學習的一大功課。很感恩家裡給我的幫助和鋪路，但是成長獨立的責任，我想要學習自己扛。不要在意別人的想法，要努力勇敢並且健康的扛。

好難，切斷感情臍帶的無助。但是要學會看向無限可能的fulfilled生活。加油！