54 days count down

Recently, there were couple fights between us. In the middle of them or even after them, I sensed the fear and uncertainty about future. That feeling haunts me for a while. It is a feeling which seems like singles won't be able to grasp. At least I don't find single friends understand it. I try not make it look like complaints. No one really gets to hear what is going on. I wait and pray. I feel God does not respond when I want Him to. I expected and found out that weekend sermon was again something about mission.

Listening to the audio book while driving down to OC, I heard a word that resonates with me so strongly- fear. It is because of the fear that I want to defend and protect myself. It is because of the fear that I think I need to fight instead of opening up myself. I recall the arguments during the fights, that I literally picturing myself putting up armors and getting tough. My so-called enemy is this man who is soon going to be my dear husband. How sad.

Soon sister-in-law wrote in the email back to me about what it means to be a wife. She said, two things, respect your husband and always always put God at the center. Messages come from her has no showing off, no judgment but full of sincerity. I appreciated those insights and made the decision to ponder on them more.

Self-centeredness is probably what I got myself into. I think about what I want, what can make me feel safe, what I may like, and what can assure me happiness and joy in the future. Although I may not know the correct answer, I was still so into busying thinking about them and maybe figuring them out. I look at him not as a man who is committed in this relationship and has been working so hard despite our language and cultural difference, but a guy who can not understand all I know, I say and my past. Maybe I was so into the temptation of changing him, I feel defeated by the fact that it can not be achieved.

I am still not as stable and mature as I would like myself to be. Luckily, God somehow still manages to send me messages to the core of my heart. I think about my perseverence when learning how to drive. "If that many people can drive on the road, I should be able to as well." If that many people have gone into marriages, I should be able to as well. I just need to be reminded over and over and over that I am not here to find someone to fulfill me, to meet my needs or to make me happy. I am here to serve and give. I am here to practice living with a king who I respect wholeheartedly. Maybe then in the future, I will be better when seeing God and living with Him. Um, I think this applies there too.

I need to remind myself that I can be tempted to go into the thoughts about "who is the best man who suites me" or "these are the signs that you have found your soul mate". Not that those are unachievable, but I guess those should be bonus but not the goals of going to a marriage. Ha. I can namelist people who will disagree with me on this idea. Will see.