這裡也有的"傳統"

台灣有三個月前不說懷孕的習俗，沒想到這裡也有。沒很仔細聽過是不是台灣有除了因為前三個月，仍是不穩定的初期，所以未免以後麻煩，不大說的原因，這倒是這裡我聽到的唯一解。有空應該來查查台灣的懷孕成功率。這裡竟然有高到25%有可能在初期就流掉。這是普遍的數據喔，沒有特別針對高齡產婦群。很懷疑是西方人比較不易受孕，有很多的人工懷孕的技術，還是其實台灣也一樣，只是我不知道而已。

咦，不過像台灣高齡名人用人工技術懷孕，懷雙胞胎，這跟這裡觀察的現象很像。人工的助孕易造成多胞胎。

今天

今天天空很藍。寫了兩篇reading log，有完成任務的成就感。
今天坐在書店，腳和鞋子有點意見不合，搖擺撞磨。
今天吃自己烤的麵包，挖鑿心和殼的平衡。
今天對你喊，「就你了」，感謝你承接所有的傾瀉。

今天喪失興趣，機器人持續運轉。
今天看一地泥濘，我慢慢把碎片撿起。
今天想紅又黃的落葉，那種俯拾即是的隨意，
總是在兩相衝突的縫隙裡，
發現。

Love surpasses all rituals

我很想怪罪自己。是沒有念博士呢？還是因為沒有賺大錢？是不夠討人喜歡，還是本質就有問題？為什麼要一直哭，為什麼要一直受傷？為什麼不能開開心心？為什麼還是抓著很多不切實際的期望？為什麼卡在中間？為什麼不知道怎麼處理？為什麼不能沈穩的提出要求、點出問題？為什麼鬼打牆加情緒起伏超大？為什麼不能狠心？為什麼不能果斷？為什麼要有天真浪漫的幻想？為什麼不能更相信？

是不夠獨立？還是鍛鍊不夠？是界限不清不明？還是永遠跟著跳舞？

我要加入很相信的推銷團。Even though I joked about it's marketing for God, I truly want to choose that side and say, "God, here is all I have, it's so little, please help me. Please love me with no condition, please be happy for me, please take care of all the details for me, please handle this for me."

我很不會下決定，我很依賴別人的意見。我只是在找不到意見時就連unsafe people's 也聽了進去，然後就受傷了，然後就哭了。可是哭只會讓眼睛不舒服，沒有辦法解決問題，還是禱告比較好，因為比較有效。

馬丁路得日雜記

先招了，這篇雜記跟馬丁路得一點關係也沒有。

這兩天情緒又是大起伏。朋友問我，怎麼知道Joe很愛我？我想最強力的安定劑是他一個勁兒的要保護我，特別是在我自己都飛蛾撲火，不覺得是危機的時候。在那種當下，其實我很不諒解他，覺得他似乎很絕情。但是當我在一次潰堤，我才知道我得承認一部份的我還讓我的desire主宰著我，不肯相信既定的事實。

媽想要讓我知道她愛我，我一邊聽著卻同時全身細胞都覺得痛苦。很多時候很想把所謂的boundary全都丟了吧，怎麼那麼痛、怎麼那麼難？我看得到我想直接跳回去，跟著玩family dance，一起繼續manipulation, guilt 和indirect。因為大家都習慣，因為沒有刺，因為很簡單。

babe拿到第一個面試了！超讚！

Blar...Final Paper Days

Two more days left before the due day for my final paper and article reviews. Really frustrated with my procrastination that seems always leads me to this kind of situation. :( You guess I probably should have learned some lesson before. I did. I did by having nice goal this time thinking I will conquer it step by step, but here is the result--in vain.

Trying not to get upset with self. I have a tendency of putting me down when I am not doing well. Then when it gets worse, I start to question if I am still likable and lovable in others' eyes. (and now, what matters the most is bf's eyes.) Have I heard it over and over again that God loves me no matter what I do? I can try to make God stop loving me, but I will fail.

10-page paper, I already have 1! haha. Add oil. I will make it.

Final Week Blah

##在網路上看到朋友感恩節大採購的戰果。可能是因為剛好有我夢想了兩年的digital camera，所以好羨慕。晚上跟bf說，“說不定我以後也會變有錢？“他隨即接上一句"money is not everything"回應我。

##昨天成功的在咖啡的加持下撐到三點。Reading Report寫完了，只是今天課堂上的補充讓我覺得可能還得在加強一下心得部份。今天要繼續努力我的報告大業。

##工作時開始籌劃final week結束的事項: photoshop的影片、新的general publicity idea、把圖書館的書大清倉等等，然後回頭想，還是把心拎回好好替這個五千塊的quarter做個好學習總結才是。

##好期待明天bf又要來了。他好勤勞的往這裡跑喔。查了一下下聖誕紅怎麼照顧，希望可以試試看可以讓它撐過冬天。冬天，這裡都不冷啦，不好玩。大衣穿不到，毛帽帽也不用戴。說到冬天，又勾起我冬天鞋沒有一雙合腳的哀怨。好想回台灣買鞋。哎。

##課堂上提到的minister family dilemma又勾起我的熊熊怒火。不喜歡課堂呈現的負面現象批判與假定，而沒有任何正面practical的討論。畢竟我看到的就是很多正面的現象和改進預防方法阿。感覺上一年前在Golden Gate辯論過的，又一次舊事重演。差別在於，Golden Gate同學比較多是現役牧者或是未來牧者，這裡的psychology有點「讓教會健康不是我的責任」的感覺。

Need Energy and Help

Getting up early in the morning has been hard for me recently.Keeping focusing on studies at night has been hard for me too. I can't blame other people or external circumstances. They are all my own choices.

I want to be different. I want to be someone who is responsible for what God has given to me as my life tasks. I want to be authentic, honest and have integrity. I want to accept myself and not feel shameful about what I have done. My foolish decisions happened before were stupid but not destructive to my status of being God's beloved child.

I want to keep alert as walking on the study journey. Couple thousand dollars need to be spent meaningfully. Paper, textbook, test all that are working for my personal growth and hopefully can be applied to whatever ministry I will be doing later.

Comfort

I want you comfort me.
Emails are said with watery eyes. *pathetic*

Class. to learn theories or self

What's interesting is that the issues we talk about in "Marriage and Interpersonal relationship" totally applies to me in my current life. I am stuck in the trauma and pattern from the past. The trauma tells my brain, "Wake up! This is the most important thing in the world!" Other things around in my life just dim. Very true. I haven't had a chance to see if my reaction actually imitates any family member's conditioned reaction in this kind of situation. Um..in that sense, the class is actually refreshing and giving me a chance to jump out of the circle and look at things objectively.

A bit clueless about my own status. Feel want to change or even just say a spell. Lord, help me move my stiff leg when it's ready. Help me even be able to feel the stiff and realize this is not something to hide, but to give a good hot massage to relieve.

無措

這詞好像出現好多好多次了。到底可以出現幾次阿。非常嚴重。很怕別人很討厭我，所以小心翼翼的，像要找出答案，然後最好可以改變事實。很怕。很怕很怕。很想要什麼都不見。覺得很難，覺得自己又進了死胡同。來個人幫我理清路線吧，讓我可以知道怎麼走。

是要先有放心，還是要先有勇氣。勇氣會帶出放心嗎？不確定。鴕鳥覺得把抽屜關起來，看不見外面就是安全了。心裡也配合的覺得安全。想要放心，只是因為撐不住情緒嗎？想要放心，是軟弱還是自私？

還是，關起來吧。關。

Another reflection

Wondering if I am having that prejudice against you. Like Cameron said in the class: if so, we then will look for all the evidence to proof what we've already believed.

Maybe, I feel I am not qualified anymore. Before he rejects me, I want to go ahead and cut it off. Coward. I am.

Maybe, people can't afford not love. I don't act like I believe. I probably need to go back to the sermon about why you still try to love after being failed or disappointed.

I am paranoid thinking people don't like me. doh.

Must be

The quiz must end perfectly.
I must be great.
There is no reason I should fail or not pass perfectly.
*Therefore I tense*

[It's ok.] ok even if I don't score perfectly?
[Ok if you don't score perfectly.]
[You are perfect in my eyes. I know who you are and how much intelligence you have. Those scores won't change that.] What about the scholarship?
[Same. Won't change a single bit. ok?]

Must be.
I feel I must proof that I am smart and intelligent. I must be great because I want the eyes respect me.
If.
If the wings behind me still support me like they did before. Where's the wing?

Focus on one thing. I am learning to be like guys--that I can close one drawer up and open another one.

Santa Ana wind

The wind plus flying rocks and sands make my feet crack BADLY. Poor monkie. It hurts. I need shoes but I don't have them with me now. I only have sandals. The wind blows again. Guess tomorrow morning will be another crazy windy morning again. This is another little thing that I want to cry for 撒嬌。It's just sad that I don't know what to do.

Am I make history pretty, or simply not realistic?

Does anyone really accept me as who I am?

Bad wind

白菜瘦肉粥

今天清早在張羅好nikkie的早餐後，我開始煮起了在心裡盤算兩天的白菜瘦肉粥。基本上，所謂的盤算只是：在寄居別人屋簷下，有半顆白菜和冷凍豬絞肉的情況下，可以煮什麼讓我可以不用花半毛錢。記取之前讀食譜學來的煮粥訣竅，（大概是水一開始要加多，小火慢燉，而非我之前的開蓋煮又狂加水），白菜切絲、豬肉記得加熱水再下鍋。鹽、胡椒、一點garlic powder和basil，賣相不錯！

應該不錯吧！Nikkie也在一旁看得津津有味。來到學校加熱後才發現不是這麼一回事！

水分又被稀飯吸得剩下寥寥無幾。鹹鴨蛋放在裡面不大對味。我明明記得以前在南陽街買的瘦肉粥是可以加五塊多半力鹹蛋的阿。腦袋裡浮起參有薑絲的粥....等等！該不會是雞肉粥吧？！

總之，這個粥不夠成功。星期五午餐和今晚的晚餐都還是它...哎。

To love at all is to be vulnerable...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
---C.S. Lewis

Upset. Mellow

First day is a bit overwhelming. Felt like I was forced and pushed to do lots of things without much time to be afraid. People were nice, however tasks are a bit intimidating. Looking at Publisher, I even felt anxious about my flyer due next Wednesday.

Judo's leaving for Texas because of family issue. Not encouraging.

Roommate is a psycho. I am fed up!

BBQ pork

A pound of BBQ pork- $7. Sit in the car for 10 minutes battling over buying some meat or not. "Sink broken, maybe buying food is better than cooking. But, maybe just the meat. Since I have veggie at house and it's a better deal than a rice dish."

Hope one day I can be like that couple, who ordered a whole fish ($13), chicken ($7) plus expensive yummy veggie (豆苗) and don't think it's a big deal.

Last day of librarian

The staffs took me out for lunch to celebrate my time with them. It's fun to see them teasing each other, of course including me. I didn't get to eat one of my favorite restaurant- Buca. We went to a Mexican place instead called Don Jose.

Anyway, I need a nap in order to work on my interview for tomorrow. Guess getting up at 5.50am really makes me sleepy. I almost drove to the other lane on highway cuz I almost fall asleep....

crazy.

Fear

After sending out the email to brother, the familiar fear comes back haunting in my life again. I wonder how his response will be. Whether he is with me, supporting and cheerful or against me, blaming and putting me down.

***

Samuel is busy preparing the whole wedding related tasks.

***

I try to calm myself down with the upcoming trip. Won't be happy, but o.k. Maybe I should draw a map of shopping route. Honey said he would go with me wherever I want to go and whatever I want to do. Maybe I will just hang around on the streets, walking on street after street. And buy whatever little things that catch my eyes!

Have been working on this issue for a long time already. Still think it's hard to get through the "family war" trauma.

"Who is the person who hates you the most?" "My dad."

This is my line for him.
I am sure this is not therapeutic at all. Sigh..

Family Nightmare

**

Michael and Anna sleep next to me in my parents' room in Taipei. In the middle of the night, Michael murmured about the snack he just had was salty not sweet. Anna calmly talked to him and asked some water for him. Everyone went back to sleep.
All of sudden, the angry man showed up in the room. "I can't believe you let them sleep here!" shouted angry Dad. "I am sorry you feel this way. I was going to make your bed in the guest room but I forgot. Can I go make your bed now?" More blaming, more calmly owned apology and asking....

**

Shopping in the department store in Taipei. Looking for jeans section in floors. All of a sudden, sister showed up with bf next to her. "Why are you here? What is your purpose of this trip?", she asked. I pretended that I didn't see her, made another turn, took another escalator. "What is your purpose?", she chased after me and stopped me. "Mom said you should not bring up marriage or future plan. You should wait because this is not a right time to talk about that." "What do you mean by that?", I asked. "Endure and suffer" were the terms she used.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I always think if I end up seeing psychologist/psychiatrist because of depression or PTSD and need to be on medication for my whole life, my family should be happily released that they finish their mission!