二月第一週

終於和好了。這個架吵得很長，我連諮商師都一起憤怒進去。可是終於可以哭著抱著講話，心終於不再掙扎下去。很感謝寶貝願意陪我扮演不同角色讓我可以慢慢的適應。

終於去了教會！結婚後第一週。需要的還是open-minded 因為每每見到的東西都讓我很想念saddleback。偶遇的contemporary music是上帝給的禮物。想念熟悉的worship leader很多，不過鉅續加油transition吧。

下星期東西很多，寶貝穩著我說一件一件來。覺得很難，每次開始一件事都是狠下心來像上戰場一樣。希望可以找到新的歸屬族群，就不會有自己一個人努力衝的荒涼了。

種族歧視的近距離接觸 Racism

這個quarter 拿了一門marriage and family therapy必修的cultural/ethic issues in marriage and family. 開學沒多久因為課程的調動，很快的就談到大概是這裡必談的種族歧視問題。我一向覺得對這個議題很冷感。過多的情緒和不理智讓我把這跟政治一樣歸類到沒必要不想淌渾水的區域。很令人意外的是，課堂上在看完一個racim group exercise的紀錄片後，整個班級一面倒的認為片中naive的白人果然是很養尊處優的優勢族群，好不容易才鬆口體會到弱勢族群的他，是處理這個議題的好模範。

說不想管種族歧視，不表示我沒有見識過。不知道是不是因為我的自我認定不是在這裡建構的，我沒有太大的欲望去澄清、去抗議、或是攻擊。但是看著影片裡張牙舞爪的黑人、落淚的墨西哥人、想被叫做中國人又要被當美國人華裔美國人，我很訝異這些minority族群呈現的無論是言論或行為，竟然都沒有引起任何一點的討論。

我天真的提出不一樣的論調，陳述在種族歧視大傘下的進步沒有被看見與讚美，另外在為種族歧視發聲時，應該可以有更深一層的自省與改變，馬上就有非裔美國同學發出不滿的意見。最後的演變是，我"應邀"在全班前面和非裔同學對話。我努力的reflect她的個人經歷、受苦經驗，搞得似乎我變成是否定種族歧視的天真傢伙。我覺得我的意見被忽略了。整個重點變成導向非裔真的還是suffer from racism。我的意見似乎穿不過牆去，停留在，「大家都攜帶非法毒品，為什麼只抓黑人」的詭異論點。說詭異是因為整個重心似乎變成大家來比誰可以犯法不被抓。怎麼沒有人想，來比誰可以不犯法？

和老師事後來來往往寫了一些email。最後給我的感覺是，這是我生平第一次覺得跟therapist說話很無趣。我聽不到她的意見，但是隱約解讀了一些不知道是否正確的潛在定見，感覺上我的意見還是對她們來講不make sense吧。也罷。不想要耗費我的一生在美國的種族歧視上。這樣子來說，我是不是其實對這件事還有負面情緒阿？

把我的論點留作紀念。

While we address existing racism, we should also actively work on eliminating bad stereotypes by doing constructive and good behaviors ourselves.

It seemed to me that no one heard what I wanted to say because statements like this quickly provoke defenses from minority groups, so my main point bounces off a wall and is not heard.

A question I want to raise related to that is ... in this country, is there still any way to address a mere fact when the fact is about negative situation with a minority group without it being labeled as racism? From my experience here in the U.S., I haven't seen any so far.

African Americans in the States had an extremely difficult time during slavery. While the situation has improved a bit (at least no black slaves now), there is still racism today, not merely between black and white, but ANY two different ethnic groups.

We should keep a dialogue going and learn how to prevent us from falling into racism either intentionally or unintentionally. But at the same time, be responsible for our own behaviors and not blame whites for everything.

Do white people cause black people to be racist? No. Why? Because people outside of this county struggle with racism too. I could list a number of examples. In my country, for example, there is tension between ethnic groups, and not a white person to blame in sight. Is racism merely an issue of differing skin color? No. Look at tension between groups outside the U.S. (Rwanda, Pakistan/India) that are all from the same "race" but have other factors that distinguish them.

While African American voice the DWB racism problem, isn't it still fact that the African Americans who are stopped were actually carrying illegal stuff? Is it the goal in the U.S. to compete with who can get away with committing a crime? Why not set a goal to "let us be the first generation who commits no crime even if we suffer from DWB?" Won't there be a time when people start to realize, African Americans no longer carry drugs even though we have a tendency to wrongly assume they do?

Tiffany shared with me that a lack of educational resources cause African Americans to retreat to drugs. So until the educational resource problem gets solved (which is proof of racism) nothing can be achieved. I feel sad to hear this because I really believe there is more things people can do to improve their situation while addressing racism at the same time.

Taiwan is not a country where education resources are equally distributed either. However, lots of people strive for education achievement because that seems to be the only way they can change the lives of their families. And our education is NOT free. We have racism between people who came to Taiwan at different times (besides the native Taiwanese), Educational deprivation, unfair arrests by police, murders, you name it--we've had it too. They also speak different languages, also, which ,like skin color, is an obvious sign of who's "in" the group and who's "out".

Just to throw out an idea to brainstorm: Don't African Americans get free education till high school like white people do here? Is there any force keeping them from finishing a high school education? From my own school application experience in the U.S., I know minorities (except Asians) have an advantage of getting into big-name schools. (Asians are actively discriminated AGAINST because their scores are too high). Do African Americans make good use of that advantage?

My goal is not to use Taiwan as the ultimate counter-argument to say what African Americans fail to do. On the contrary, I want to encourage minority groups to work harder than the majority group. At the end, we are responsible for our life, not anyone else.

Fuller 3rd quarter

My biggest whining is that I don't identify myself as a student. To feel like a student, I labeled my experience when I was at Pitt to be the real "international student" feeling. Not sure what has been different since then even though I probably can name several changes in my life.

Psychology seems to be an odd group in either society or academic setting. I wonder and am curious why Jack would comment that integration between faith and psychology is Fuller's strength. Will next fall be a different setting since I will meet my own cohort? This year's students are not that impressive than several 2-yr students I have met.

I forgot to rate 2 professors from last quarter. Bummer. Do I become more opinionated or that was just who I am and I am expressing it because I am able to talk more?

Kinda like two professors out of three so far in this quarter. The majority of the coursework will be centered around the Bible too. I am again a seminary student?! Ha. After a year, I should be better than me a year ago who ended up tearing about my first theology class.

Wedding preparation II + week 9 murmur

Got wedding date changed again. Big bummer!

It took me couple nights to letting go that my dearest friends won't be able to make it and looking forward to have mimi there to be "my old friend". Now it needs to change again. I've noticed when things got changed or became not satisfactory, I have the feeling of not want to care about anything. No good dates to get married, so why get married? even.

It must have something to do with the expectations and trust and the disappointments altogether. And I find I don't really know that I have confidence in the unfamiliar countries.

Week 9. Got the sexuality class midterm back. Didn't get all As. Disappointed. The answers are not enough. It feels like all the efforts were not enough. Even wanted to look external for excuses.

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Felt: abandoned. Thought: knew it's going to happen again. processing conclusion: when negative emotions come up, he will get frustrated, mad and leave.

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Got dress finalized. Guilty about the cost. Friend said he really treasures you. I am released and confident to have him take care of you now.

Group project

I have always hated group project. Of course the main reason is that I have never had a good experience from it. And I have another group project now, and I am not enjoying it so far.

Hated the feeling of impatient and explosion, I want to find a way to affirm people and work with people that I don't agree with. However, it's hard. It also remind me that if I don't work on polishing my English more, it will bring me more and more problems working with other people.

Fairness is another issue that always kicks in. Why do I need to be the one who finds all the resource in Gottman's book just because I had read it? When I felt people are working on the wrong direction and refuse to listen or wake up, I get really really frustrated.

Anyway, I hate group project.

Reminder-unasked advice

It didn't take long for me to receive another unasked advice from someone who had heard my prayer request in a group sharing setting. My radar wasn't on for a while. Only till later the awakening realization sunk in and I started feel intruded and unsafe. This has been the second time ever since I was exposed to the rule of "only focusing on yourself and do not offer advices, comments or suggestions if not being explicitly asked."

It is because of my personal experience that makes me understand deeply how hurtful and destructive unasked advice giving can be. I want to remind and encourage myself to be the safe person and don't resemble this mistake like others who may or may not be aware of this principle.

Gender fish bowl practice observation

During the class today, professors took about 20 students who volunteered to participate to do the gender fish bowl practice. Women go first, everybody listen, and then guys turn.

Other than the content difference to the questions: what was it like for you growing up as a boy/girl, I notice some differences between women and men's group.

It's interesting to see guys sit down as a circle and try to share. Not sure if this is a gender difference or preference difference, here are some things:
1. Someone pointed to another man to be the first guy to start sharing, while women seem find volunteer to be the first one to share.
2. Guys then follow the circle taking time share, while women took the popcorn style letting whoever want to share go.
3. Guys tend to share something about others. Even though they eventually get to the point of their own experience, they seem to have more "difficulty" go right into the topic? Not sure if this is a gender difference, or just not used to practice a lot. I wonder if in CR group, men started like this also but gradually get more used to "dive to the core".
4. There seem to be fewer women struggle with lacking female adult model around them while most men didn't have emotional connection/access to male adult model.

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This kind of activity looks fun to have in a safe small group setting. Should be a good chance to touch feelings and explore about individual's own growth and lessons from peers.

Can international students ask questions in class because of language problems?

Want to be better.

Got a first-time response from professors that they prefer students not asking them questions during class simply because of language barriers. I felt offended.

I don't feel ashamed of letting people see I have online translator on during class. I look up words I hear that I am not sure about meanings. One student once told me "sorry, I saw that you were looking up words using dictionary. I was not sure if you don't want people to know that.." I don't understand. To the opposite, I felt proud that I can guess what the word I just hear might be and find it in seconds. Do people really think non-English speaker is lower than normal people? Do I think people who don't speak English better than me are second-class?

Educator or Therapist

Two of the classes already started. Professors are all pretty cool and funny. While thinking through those class project, I started wonder what my future role really will be. Therapist seems to be a short term goal that I can have one way to make money. Educator seems to be a long term goal and more practical, especially in the sense that you can give a crowd something new and have an influence on them.

I remembered Joe's observation that I always get nervous and tensed when something changes. New quarter is another change; wanting to be good is another stress source again. Even to "fathom" future life is another stress as well.

Really like the point we talked about in class today that sexuality and spirituality are intricately connected. I somehow got the idea that they are both relational and powerful and the unspoken part of touched feeling makes me want to get closer to God.

Matt said he's happy seeing me and Joe getting even closer. While enjoying the feeling that I really want to spend time with Joe, I am reminding and cheering myself up as well to enjoy the time spent with God.

Marriage, family, life goal, China trip, educator, therapy, school plan, life plan, money, job, ...and all and all. God's the big and top umbrella.

聖誕Party

今年的聖誕節，我興致沖沖從原本只是要試烤雞食譜，到最後變成了一個六個人的小party。

早餐先是Cottage Cheese Delight開場。一直以來我都很好奇那種brunch的蛋dish是怎麼做的，剛好辦公室聖誕小聚會Carmen做了一道帶來給大家享用，腦筋一轉我就跟她要了一份recipe。Joe日前買了很棒的ham來，cheese, milk, flour, cottage cheese, egg, butter，再加上一些pepper和mushroom，這道菜比我想得簡單得多。十點多把楊氏夫婦邀來吃，結果竟然大受好評。

下午玩過Domino之後，我們就開始了烤雞大業。因為沒有找到trussing string 或是其他的棉線來源，我乾脆拿了縫衣線充數。先把bread pudding做起來，再處理兩隻烤雞，之後是蘑菇火腿濃湯。Joe在一旁忙著處理appertizer開胃菜，甜點蛋糕，還有烤馬鈴薯。

傍晚mimi和胡本現身。久遇故人的感覺讓人既激動又開心。整晚的吃喝和閒聊，大夥兒都玩得很開心。最感動的是事後胡本真誠的對我說，「Karen, you are really lucky! Joe is a really good man, especially after all those things, he still keeps trying so hard!」

Paul 和Becky也在事後對我說，他們對Joe又有了全心的了解。特別令他們印象深刻的是，Joe身為唯一的Caucasian在我們一群Asian中，仍是很自在有自信的當個男主人。對於吃席中大家討論對church的挑戰，Joe的態度和回應也讓他們相當驚嘆。

忙著上下餐點，張羅飲料用具，晚餐就忘記照相了。很有趣的在pasadena和老朋友聚首，特別珍惜的是彼此互相分享近況，彼此打氣鼓勵和聆聽的感動。mi總是我的motivation，特別是在如何更有愛心的去對待新來的朋友。只不過是一頓飯間的閒談，又有好多小細節讓我被提醒到，在一點一滴的小事上，學習體諒、設身處地、不給予壓力，然後很真誠的愛與分享。

Christmans Party and Din Tai Fung

Who would know that SLS kind of having the tradition of going to bowling and Din Tai Fung as their Christmas celebration party? I just found out this great news last couple days when RSVP to the Christmas staff party. After figuring out the dumpling house they meant, I couldn't help but got so excited through out the weekend.

There is only one Din Tai Fung restaurant in the States, which is actually pretty close to us. Bowling is fun, but Din Tai Fung is even more amazing. I kept telling my boss and other staffs how cool Din Tai Fung is and how excited I am. Several friends also got my phone calls "showing off" that I get to go to Din Tai Fung for a big treat!

Twelve of us went bowling in the morning. Bowling to me is like a college activity. I still remember going bowling in the late evening, and then having night snack afterwards. When being a student, time doesn't seem like an important issue. We always feel that we have plenty of time to spend and going to bed early is not something to worry about. The friendship flowing between interactions probably is the most attracting thing in the late night bowling event for us. Those good old time...

Ok. back to topic. So, twelve of us divided up to three teams to have team competition. After the first round, our team got rewarded for 100 handicapped for the real game. Now you can get an idea how "good" we were. ISO has Sam, who is the expert of bowling. SLS happens to have "powered up" version of Carmen. We have Keith, the only guy who can help raise our point. However, when the second run started, our team started firing up! Strikes and spare kept coming. We laughed this was a team job and we prayed before the second run. At the end we were couple points less than ISO team. However, with the 100 handicapped point, we were the champion!

Din Tai Fung is right across the bowing place. People were all starved. The manager who helped us order kept giving ideas and pretty much handling the whole order process. In the middle of ordering, the manager told Ruth that Americans won't like chicken with skin on it, so they can just skip chicken soup, and order sour and spicy soup instead. " I want a chicken soup!" I can only find a little spot to yell out what I want as I see them going to pass it. The managered stopped and mumbled, "oh, Asian may like it." We had juicy pork dumpling, pork and shrimp dumpling, shrimp shaomai, shanhai fried rice cake, shrimp fried rice, fried green bean, bok choy, red bean dumpling and red bean rice cake. Oh, and my chicken soup which I had one and with one to go as well!

Not sure what made Allison started wanting to learn Chinese, we spent much time practicing writing "love" and speaking "I love you" in Chinese. There was even time that the whole table stopped and just listened to us. And I offered the explanation of my last name- eight thousand female ghosts, which was used by Allison this morning to greet me when she stepped into office.

Anyway. Din Tai Fung in the States not only fed my belly, but reminds me of my family. That was the first meal they took us to when we went back this summer. I thought about Dad's face during that meal. I think, as quiet as he was, he still loves me so he treated everyone with a great nice dumpling feast!

Blar...Final Paper Days

Two more days left before the due day for my final paper and article reviews. Really frustrated with my procrastination that seems always leads me to this kind of situation. :( You guess I probably should have learned some lesson before. I did. I did by having nice goal this time thinking I will conquer it step by step, but here is the result--in vain.

Trying not to get upset with self. I have a tendency of putting me down when I am not doing well. Then when it gets worse, I start to question if I am still likable and lovable in others' eyes. (and now, what matters the most is bf's eyes.) Have I heard it over and over again that God loves me no matter what I do? I can try to make God stop loving me, but I will fail.

10-page paper, I already have 1! haha. Add oil. I will make it.

Final Week Blah

##在網路上看到朋友感恩節大採購的戰果。可能是因為剛好有我夢想了兩年的digital camera，所以好羨慕。晚上跟bf說，“說不定我以後也會變有錢？“他隨即接上一句"money is not everything"回應我。

##昨天成功的在咖啡的加持下撐到三點。Reading Report寫完了，只是今天課堂上的補充讓我覺得可能還得在加強一下心得部份。今天要繼續努力我的報告大業。

##工作時開始籌劃final week結束的事項: photoshop的影片、新的general publicity idea、把圖書館的書大清倉等等，然後回頭想，還是把心拎回好好替這個五千塊的quarter做個好學習總結才是。

##好期待明天bf又要來了。他好勤勞的往這裡跑喔。查了一下下聖誕紅怎麼照顧，希望可以試試看可以讓它撐過冬天。冬天，這裡都不冷啦，不好玩。大衣穿不到，毛帽帽也不用戴。說到冬天，又勾起我冬天鞋沒有一雙合腳的哀怨。好想回台灣買鞋。哎。

##課堂上提到的minister family dilemma又勾起我的熊熊怒火。不喜歡課堂呈現的負面現象批判與假定，而沒有任何正面practical的討論。畢竟我看到的就是很多正面的現象和改進預防方法阿。感覺上一年前在Golden Gate辯論過的，又一次舊事重演。差別在於，Golden Gate同學比較多是現役牧者或是未來牧者，這裡的psychology有點「讓教會健康不是我的責任」的感覺。

Flyer

It has been the sixth flyer after starting my current job. Every time I feel really stretched to come up with a nice design. However, so far, every time I'm done, I am pretty happy with the outcome.

With no exception, today is another day that I feel my ideas look great in my mind, but not good at all in the software canvas. I have different ideas of how I want to outline the picture, using different stokes, but I can't even figured out how to bring a picture to front from the background.

Having been absent from work make yesterday the last and only day to work on this flyer. Fortunately, editor said I can turn that in later. Will try to get it done by tomorrow!

第一個小考

第一個小考要來了。是統計。

應該不那麼嚇人的，只是我很想要很完美的通過，硬是想要逼自己把十四章內容一次解決。一直以為是23號之後的星期才考試，沒想到是之前。我的申請文章又還沒寫好，還加上在跟男朋友吵架。這個timing實在太好了。嘆。

photoshop好難玩，還好有光碟，改天來看看好了。趕快這禮拜通通寫完做玩。

有自己要獨立的感覺。又是一遍。只是這次不像四年前，電腦前一直都有人陪。