婚禮倒數11天 Wedding count down 11 days

快結婚了！好不真實。

最近一邊努力刪去to-do list上的task，一邊也忙著把未來老公的家當搬進我小小的studio。夏天很熱，這星期的高溫都到90多度，祈禱希望下週會涼快一點。

我不喜歡event planning。一整個婚禮籌劃過程很多繁瑣的事情，加上不懂得怎麼做去哪裡問，心情常常很浮躁，也吵了不少架。和安柏聊天時，她都會很優雅的提到她朋友不斷在婚禮籌備過程禱告的經歷，我因此真的是被一次一次在耳朵邊提醒，要禱告，不要自己瞎忙。

近期的超級大感恩是有多年wedding coordinator經驗的朋友主動提及可以幫忙。一直到接近婚籌的尾聲了，我才清楚這是我需要的幫忙。一些朋友在百忙中給意見伸援手，我很感激，但是這樣的有人帶頭拉著我跑，才是我最需要的幫助。很感恩，也在不多的時間裡盡量要繼續做不是很懂的事情。好家在，和老公的互動一直是柳暗花明又一村的在浮躁中，屢有驚喜。

為著婚籌的壓力鬧脾氣，為著一個環境裡的生活習慣在磨合，練習用好的方式表達和溝通，有心灰意冷的時候，但我永遠忘不掉，我們一起南下去幫一個朋友garage sale的忙，一路爭執著，到了家後，他卻進屋捧出一個紮著白色大蝴蝶結的大紅禮物盒出來。我愣在那裡一句話也說不出來。

一場好深刻的體會--我們有爭執、有相左意見、有無意或間或有意的傷害，但我還是愛你。

流水帳_Celebration & Others

5/23 Janet和Amber幫我們辦了一個非傳統型的wedding shower。先是co-ed(男女都有)，再來是變成一個outdoor BBQ。看著evite invitation 送出來，好興奮喔。有人為我辦一個party! 我們還是東落西丟似的，一個一個把相關的information組織起來，記得光是一個gift registry，我就瞪著好多vendor不知道要選誰。

很感謝兩位伴娘們花費很多精神勞力，在很多細節上處處可以看到他們的用心。朋友去去來來，原來這就是當主角的感覺--一個人來，就要趨前寒暄感謝。

Josh在我們的要求下，為我們做了surprise小儀式，我整場笑不停，像是鬧劇一般，還拿著Janet給的大粉紅塑膠閃亮亮戒指玩。心裡其實對七月底的婚禮比較不太龜毛緊張了，有那種"就這樣吧"的灑脫感。心裡還在消化朋友戲謔的"你要變人妻了"是什麼意思。

終於在Amber和 Becky的幫助下，把婚禮當天造型和妝搞定。大鬆一口氣阿。同時我也發現自己很不會社交，不只英文不行，竟然連中文我也很安靜。真是訝異。

很想要快點結束這種敢著交件，卻沒有一個可以放鬆用力的專注感。還是趕著在最後兩週把報告寫一寫、書讀一讀、考試考一考、工作作一作。選住處呢，也是這裡趕去看一下、那裡討論一下，說雖說我在瀟灑，寫著也會煩躁起來，怎麼會這樣。

記得剛開始籌備婚禮，Minie問我開始吵架沒，我大笑著跟她分享我們都有的經驗。

其實回過頭來，我知道我最不安穩的原因，是因為很久沒有很安穩的回到信仰裡阿。很ironic但是卻很真實，在GG有過，在這裡也是。剩下的60天，我別無選擇的需要好好依靠。

Wedding preparation IV

坦白說，這個quarter以來籌備婚禮的都不是我。J很體貼我的功課load，雖說這裡的習俗婚籌是新娘一肩挑，我的新郎卻在工作、專題之餘，還要煩惱房子的事，再加上目前所有婚禮的對外對內打理。心疼。

四篇報告三個考試加一個期末，是寫到天荒地老後還剩下的份量。J一直希望我可以加速的提前完成才能加入他的行列，我好像一直不夠快，時間一直一直的飛走。

http://karenandjoe.brides.com 不過我翻了所有的中文上網站，姊的一封信，就決定開始動工。完成時很得意，也為姊姊的幫忙張羅很興奮感動。

耳朵的聲響看了幾百塊的醫生還是存在阿。醫生說兩星期，好吧，繼續等看多久才會好。今天試用鼻噴劑，似乎有點太含蓄了一點。遵守一天一次的規定，就明天再試吧。

最近幾封朋友間的信讓心裡很暖。

這幾天好開心阿。嘗試放鬆讓耳咽管可以好轉。很多的功課也沒關係。雖然不會在婚禮上看到老老老友，我好像越來越有，真的，要嫁的這個人在那，才是最重要最幸福的。

早午餐的buffet好貴。J為了我的慌亂還是決定花上這筆錢。我有點愧疚。還可以從哪賺到多一點錢?

倒數的籌備心得

J陪著我們把邀請卡做好了。一切手工自製，沒有特別華麗繁複，只是簡單的資訊而已。我很毛躁，不知道是不是因為氣惱和自己想像得不一樣，好像我的天分不大夠，想像的和做出來的有差。

談論著吃食的問題，價錢、幫手和值不值得。因為我看得是細節，沒有決定小項的結論對我來說似乎等於沒有。我懷疑自己很容易吹毛求疵看不足，而不是看有的、收穫的和幸福的。和自己拉鋸戰讓自己想很多為什麼。就像我常常高談不能抱怨外在和環境，我卻覺得自己有這樣子的傾向。

很遺憾的我的抱怨還是沒有妥善的處理。分析的過程中彷彿無可避免的傷了他。我的尊重功課還是沒學得太好。怎麼樣才能把那種敬重尊敬的態度內化，徹底的了解愛與尊重這種等值的需要在個體上的差別。他是一個innovator，需要親密的支持和相信。我被賦予了一個很特殊的身分，是別人都拿不到的，而這是這個職位上的"切口"，我得快點上手才行。

我想到兩個完全不同的學妹，一是家境富有不愁吃穿，一是有內化的涵養，沒有被物質定論的風骨。我常常看著她們心想，我想要哪一種氣質？哪一種才是重要的，才是值得投資的方向。很多時候特別是在自己身上，才發現說說容易做起來難。我已經要離家了，上一輩的榮耀功績或是失誤，都已經不能是我的藉口。看著西方社會青年早早就獨立起來的負責態度，我的欣羨要快點收起，急起直追才比較實際。

說怕不怕？會怕。希望有一個manual對照我做得如何。

五月

五月就快到了。這一個月有很多很多以星期為單位的deadline。決定要輕鬆的面對，這樣才有機會享受"準備婚禮"的快樂面。又考掉了一個quiz，接下來有四五個報告等待，繼續一件一件做掉吧。

很開心可以繼續跟造型師Grace洽談。我終於是認清自己很不喜歡做決定這件事。這是我的弱點，也是我獨立這條路上要繼續加油的。所以mandy和mi大推薦，我就自然的決定大愛。接下去的工作有譜，感謝主。雖然錢又更少了一點，但是clippy說罩得住，我就可以接。對另一個我沒有經驗沒把握的工作，外人竟然又視我為至寶，真的是恩典。

今天約了兩個醫生門診。這將是我來美近五年來的第一次看診耶。很緊張。打電話都不知道要問什麼。希望醫生是好人，雖說已經挪出了health saving來付錢，還是心疼是錢阿。

今天好像一直都有點淡淡隱藏的開心。不是很清楚開心什麼。不過既然是開心，我就樂於現在朦朧裡吧。工作有進展、蜜月計畫有日期範圍、家人行程有新增細節、門診有著落。下一個來個...婚紗修改工程好了。喔喔，還有gift registry還沒搞定，星期四開會要來討論。

Wedding preparation III Premarital Counseling

Every Wednesday night is our premarital counseling appointment. We have been through half of them and have talked about several areas and issues we should anticipate in marriages. We had our second fight after being engaged this week prior to going to counseling. Joe tried to make up and talked through it before hand, but I was still stubborn.

Extended family, communication and conflict resolution are all issues related to this fight. We gradually unfolded the point till we get to the detail really closely. Joe put my reactions into words really well while he described what he saw in me. My feeling aspect was puzzled with his intention and his behaviors according to my interpretation. It's like a trapped and stuck corner where the definition of love has been redefined. Therefore, love does not look that great any more. Joe said he does not want me suffer and stuff everything inside of me. He wants me and invites me to tell him everything. Bring up things in my perspective and check with him what was going on at his side.

After the session, I tried to tell Joe the minor issues happened before just to practice answering his invitation of letting him know what happened inside of me. I felt his strong and safe arms around me hugging me really tight. I listened to his clarification and explanation of the meaning of love. All of the sudden, I got an epiphany. This man, standing right here, is offering me something that I have dreamed about demanding from people who "claims" to love me. He has seen my past, and understand where I come from. However, he embraced me as who I am and is willing to go beyond to care about me and being extra sensitive to me. I guess I finally grasp that is a sacrificing love- a love that put the other person's interest before his own.

Just to keep a record of the feeling safe and assured from him.

Wedding preparation II + week 9 murmur

Got wedding date changed again. Big bummer!

It took me couple nights to letting go that my dearest friends won't be able to make it and looking forward to have mimi there to be "my old friend". Now it needs to change again. I've noticed when things got changed or became not satisfactory, I have the feeling of not want to care about anything. No good dates to get married, so why get married? even.

It must have something to do with the expectations and trust and the disappointments altogether. And I find I don't really know that I have confidence in the unfamiliar countries.

Week 9. Got the sexuality class midterm back. Didn't get all As. Disappointed. The answers are not enough. It feels like all the efforts were not enough. Even wanted to look external for excuses.

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Felt: abandoned. Thought: knew it's going to happen again. processing conclusion: when negative emotions come up, he will get frustrated, mad and leave.

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Got dress finalized. Guilty about the cost. Friend said he really treasures you. I am released and confident to have him take care of you now.

Wedding preparation I

I finally started my dress shopping last week. Stores in Temple city have really bad services. Not sure if it's because they are not Taiwanese, therefore, some communications and expectations cause the problems. David's Bridal, however, was such a cool place (especially after the bad experience in Temple City). I found one dress that I really like, but my wallet doesn't like it that much.

Wedding preparation starts becoming stressful to me. I love the dream that family will help you, but hated that I can never get used to their way of communication and comparison or even put down. Mimi said, just let them do whatever they want, the most important thing is get them to pay! May sound odd, funny or even sad. However, that's probably the best strategy.

This preparation makes me know myself more that I am not a huge fan of planning details of a big project. I don't like that I ended up needing to do research, make phone calls, drive, make decisions by myself. I decided to imagine God holding my hands and hugging me all the time in the whole process. Should I apply for a wedding website? Should I make appointment to interview make-up artist now?

Do I have the problem trusting people will love me and help me in all the ways they can? Mom and sis seem to be the only legitimate people that I can fully count on. (not to mention the hassle ). However, friends are the more loving and friendly ones. sigh. Knot.com gave me over 100 items on checklist that's already due. Yep, thank you, why do I need to be the one who mark off the check list? (see how not excited I am about this...)

It reminds me about the experience when I grew up. I never knew how much money I am allow to spend. I try to be super frugal, but feel resented inside while seeing others get to spend more money and being pampered that way. My frugal expense didn't win me any compliment. Then later I occasionally want to spend money on several specific things, no matter how expensive they are, to make myself feel I am worthy spending money on.

This feeling came up while deciding the wedding band. Do they suggest the other because they don't want to spend money on me or they really think the other one is nicer? I can foresee it applies to my wedding dress too.

Another realization is accepting that my closest friends in Taiwan won't be able to make it here. In reality, they are really out of my circle of living now too. I feel wanted to make sure some people will be there, thinking that probably makes me feel treasured?

Maybe it's not much about preparation for wedding, but learning and accepting the reality before the big day.

I want a project manager for my wedding project, who will take it over and see it as his/her responsibility. Is it realistic? God, give me one!