支持

我轉向支持的方向，大鳴大放的宣告我的愛、喜歡和感激。這像是一種慣性的反射動作，在刺到不安全的殼時，左右張望，--跳！

常常在腦裡響起"他恨我"這個聲音。最近的進步是我喊出了稱謂，一次。不知道有沒有人聽到，我的心可是撲通撲通的緊張得要命，這個難得的跨步。

往開朗的一邊想。我想著新家人要開心的來看我們，想著不敢坐飛機的奶奶竟然也要過來加州，畫笑臉記住大家的好。向後轉，這邊和預期不相符的反應，不可以多做解讀、庸人自擾，知嗎？

五月要緊鑼密鼓的來臨了。繃著等待著。這一個異地空間，我要把異變成熟悉，要勇敢堅強。

五月

五月就快到了。這一個月有很多很多以星期為單位的deadline。決定要輕鬆的面對，這樣才有機會享受"準備婚禮"的快樂面。又考掉了一個quiz，接下來有四五個報告等待，繼續一件一件做掉吧。

很開心可以繼續跟造型師Grace洽談。我終於是認清自己很不喜歡做決定這件事。這是我的弱點，也是我獨立這條路上要繼續加油的。所以mandy和mi大推薦，我就自然的決定大愛。接下去的工作有譜，感謝主。雖然錢又更少了一點，但是clippy說罩得住，我就可以接。對另一個我沒有經驗沒把握的工作，外人竟然又視我為至寶，真的是恩典。

今天約了兩個醫生門診。這將是我來美近五年來的第一次看診耶。很緊張。打電話都不知道要問什麼。希望醫生是好人，雖說已經挪出了health saving來付錢，還是心疼是錢阿。

今天好像一直都有點淡淡隱藏的開心。不是很清楚開心什麼。不過既然是開心，我就樂於現在朦朧裡吧。工作有進展、蜜月計畫有日期範圍、家人行程有新增細節、門診有著落。下一個來個...婚紗修改工程好了。喔喔，還有gift registry還沒搞定，星期四開會要來討論。

Father-figure visit

Highlight of the day is Reggie knocked on my door this afternoon!

Looking up from my file folders, I jumped up to give him a big hug! Reggie is here again! We chatted during his short break of this Dmiv intensive class. Talked about the wedding and he promises to come! Hooray!

Reggie was my professor and big boss when I was in Golden Gate. Loved that he mentioned about the diversity of our environment and group and how he grew up being comfortable around people who are different from him. Looking back, he is probably one of the few people that have no bias or preconceived idea about other ethnic groups, and even not have any victim mentality for his own ethnic group. (or at least I did not sense anything). He was very encouraging while being the adviser of my independent study debriefing my paper with me. However, the most touching experience I had was when I am leaving Golden Gate, having financial problems, he talked to me, listened to me and showed great compassion to me. That was probably the first time I got a big hug from him.

Later we met when I first went to Fuller. He and Victor joked about how I betrayed Golden Gate and came here. It was a big surprise to see him on campus again today. Hope he will have great time in his last required class for his degree! Way to go! Doctor!

Grateful

Things to be grateful of...

1. I am not marrying to ex-bf, so I don't have the hassle and trouble of figuring out how to balance a traditional wedding because of his parents but insist on having a wedding that matches my belief.
--> big one to be thankful for.

2. Not bound to what lunar calendar says about what days to get married. --> Having a God who is greater than all the spiritual power saves lots of troubles.

3. I only have one side of the families to worry about regarding the wedding rituals. They are even super far away.

4. Friends to play with and form the wedding planning committee with.

Educator or Therapist

Two of the classes already started. Professors are all pretty cool and funny. While thinking through those class project, I started wonder what my future role really will be. Therapist seems to be a short term goal that I can have one way to make money. Educator seems to be a long term goal and more practical, especially in the sense that you can give a crowd something new and have an influence on them.

I remembered Joe's observation that I always get nervous and tensed when something changes. New quarter is another change; wanting to be good is another stress source again. Even to "fathom" future life is another stress as well.

Really like the point we talked about in class today that sexuality and spirituality are intricately connected. I somehow got the idea that they are both relational and powerful and the unspoken part of touched feeling makes me want to get closer to God.

Matt said he's happy seeing me and Joe getting even closer. While enjoying the feeling that I really want to spend time with Joe, I am reminding and cheering myself up as well to enjoy the time spent with God.

Marriage, family, life goal, China trip, educator, therapy, school plan, life plan, money, job, ...and all and all. God's the big and top umbrella.

聖誕禮物 Christmas Gift

Joe小心翼翼的對我說，因為準備Engagement，就沒有心思設計特別的聖誕禮物了。他開心的拆完禮物後，給了我我的禮物。嘴裡還說，我們之後去逛街，我可以挑我想要的東西當禮物。
Joe said he did not get to get a really special Christmas gift for me after the draining planning of engagement. He wanted to tell me that I can go get other gift besides this one that I am going to open after he got his gifts.

拆開包裝我超級興奮！是那個飛機上的餅乾！
I was super excited after opening the wrapping! It's the cookie I got on the plane!

話說十月底為了visa問題飛去加拿大時，飛機上發了很很很很好吃的小餅乾。我吃了一包，就把剩下的帶回來要給Joe品嚐。他吃了以後也說好吃，不是很甜，但很有特別cinnamon味道。我曾經想過留下空包裝，之後來找到底可以在哪買到。後來不了了之，誰知道，Joe竟然留了包裝而且上網找到，訂了這個要送給我！
When I flew to Canada for the border run, I got a special kind and super yummy cookie on the plane. After tasting the first one, I intentionally saved the rest of them home for Joe. This kind of cookie is not really sweet and it has a special cinnamon flavor. Joe liked it too! I thought about keeping the bag and look for it later, but decided that I didn't want to go through all the troubles. However, Joe did exactly I thought about doing, and ordered this as gift for me!

Yummy Cookie!超級開心和感動。
I was really happy and touched with this yummy cookie gift!

誠實的愛

這陣子的徬徨在昨晚下了決心，選擇誠實的愛，誠實的面對自己、神和別人。不要成為對別人造成模稜兩可壓力的人，說話要誠實坦率，迂迴和影射都是不值得學習的。

朋友鼓勵我在面對婚姻的新挑戰時，要專注在更重要的事情上。接受有時候最親近的家人最不支持是ok的，雖然很痛很傷，但是新的力量是從神來，而不是人與人間不完美、各樣理由的私心。我想無私和奉獻可以用到各樣層面，就像mentor誠實的說如果她的兒子將來不是娶白人，她也會錯愕和訝異。不能照著自己的計畫走，當然會不開心。不過，當兒子最後真的決定了，她的角色就會便城是祝福以及選擇接納和相愛那和自己不同的對方。這樣的成熟包容的愛，讓我很嚮往和動容。

卡在Joe和家庭中間，常常很痛苦。Joe很心疼我每次講完電話後停不住的淚水。我說，我決定了當每每想起和家人間那種不肯定的痛苦懷疑，就告訴自己上帝很愛很愛我;我是祂最鐘愛的女兒;當祂看著我，是會像Joe一向微笑疼惜的；祂在乎我的婚事，關心、也為我開心。

他點點頭跟我說會保護照顧我，就像Paul說的一樣。Becky說她學會哄父母，在心裡嘆氣但是退變成看他們的任性和賭氣。我只是很多喟嘆，是什麼樣的包袱讓東方父母和子女之間要那麼多的眼淚、遺憾和不必要的拐彎抹角和無所適從。他說至少我們可以努力，讓我們以後的家，變得不一樣。

很捉襟見肘的付這個學季的學費。家裡覺得我很不知恥靠別人的幫助，我要學習珍惜被栽培、支持往我覺得應該前行的路去。不富有並不丟臉，不要被金錢綁住更是我要學習的一大功課。很感恩家裡給我的幫助和鋪路，但是成長獨立的責任，我想要學習自己扛。不要在意別人的想法，要努力勇敢並且健康的扛。

好難，切斷感情臍帶的無助。但是要學會看向無限可能的fulfilled生活。加油！

聖誕Party

今年的聖誕節，我興致沖沖從原本只是要試烤雞食譜，到最後變成了一個六個人的小party。

早餐先是Cottage Cheese Delight開場。一直以來我都很好奇那種brunch的蛋dish是怎麼做的，剛好辦公室聖誕小聚會Carmen做了一道帶來給大家享用，腦筋一轉我就跟她要了一份recipe。Joe日前買了很棒的ham來，cheese, milk, flour, cottage cheese, egg, butter，再加上一些pepper和mushroom，這道菜比我想得簡單得多。十點多把楊氏夫婦邀來吃，結果竟然大受好評。

下午玩過Domino之後，我們就開始了烤雞大業。因為沒有找到trussing string 或是其他的棉線來源，我乾脆拿了縫衣線充數。先把bread pudding做起來，再處理兩隻烤雞，之後是蘑菇火腿濃湯。Joe在一旁忙著處理appertizer開胃菜，甜點蛋糕，還有烤馬鈴薯。

傍晚mimi和胡本現身。久遇故人的感覺讓人既激動又開心。整晚的吃喝和閒聊，大夥兒都玩得很開心。最感動的是事後胡本真誠的對我說，「Karen, you are really lucky! Joe is a really good man, especially after all those things, he still keeps trying so hard!」

Paul 和Becky也在事後對我說，他們對Joe又有了全心的了解。特別令他們印象深刻的是，Joe身為唯一的Caucasian在我們一群Asian中，仍是很自在有自信的當個男主人。對於吃席中大家討論對church的挑戰，Joe的態度和回應也讓他們相當驚嘆。

忙著上下餐點，張羅飲料用具，晚餐就忘記照相了。很有趣的在pasadena和老朋友聚首，特別珍惜的是彼此互相分享近況，彼此打氣鼓勵和聆聽的感動。mi總是我的motivation，特別是在如何更有愛心的去對待新來的朋友。只不過是一頓飯間的閒談，又有好多小細節讓我被提醒到，在一點一滴的小事上，學習體諒、設身處地、不給予壓力，然後很真誠的愛與分享。

Interview

Went to an interview after work today. Traffic was good. It only took 40ish minutes as google map says. Parking was easy--I parked right in front of the building! Office is pretty and nice. I think I will enjoy that environment just as students!

It was like a 50 minutes interview. Longer than I expected. I felt pretty nice even though I still made some English mistakes or maybe too talkative at certain level? And maybe not super clear enough especially in picking the right word to use?

The happiest thing was babe said he's proud of me on the phone after interview. To be able to please him or getting approval and recognition from him is such an exciting encouragement for me.

Let's see if I will get the 2nd interview in the following weeks.

**I decide I want to go to Buca for my last day at Golden Gate! Yeah!
** Also decide that I want to pray to have my buying-purse desire to be removed. After I make money and have stable income, I will save money to buy purse! (Yep...still miss the super expensive..about $200 value purse I saw in TW. But, I still think that's too expensive to buy. Just miss it....)

Touching happy birthday

Staying up late last night working on my midterm, also kind of welcoming my birthday comes, this morning inevitably became hard to get out of the bed. Considering our time restraint, I suggested us taking it light, save the time for going out for meals, and just work on our school stuff.

Judo was amazingly sweet preparing my day a wonderful memory for me. Literally my tears almost dropped when seeing those messages that he put on those pictures. Joe R. was sweetly there interacting with us about the cake joke. Thinking about a year ago when first getting to know him, I am really grateful that Judo was considerate about building relationship with him by setting some limits of the amount of time I will show up in their house.

Had my counseling video done. The setting was pretty neat. Lights, high chairs,...really looks nice from the video camera. I keep needing to stop myself of wanting things look perfect and great. "It's only about pass and fail!" I yelled. Then resisting the temptation of keeping playing with iMovie and iDVD.

I really enjoy the practice of communicating and expressing ourselves to each other. It not only gives me a super wonderful birthday, but also makes a big smile on Judo's face in the next day's good morning email. :)

Happy Birthday

My birthday is coming!

Even though this week is the busiest midterm week, I am super high and excited about my birthday. It's just midnight on the 24th now. Nothing really happened so far besides birthday card from Golden Gate, birthday gift from Michael C., greeting from Albert C., and sephora free birthday gift! I don't know. Maybe the sense of Judo super cares about me, and we are getting better communicating and interacting cheers me up a lot.

I super enjoyed today's enormous chatting during the day. We shared counseling ministry update, church marriage concept philosophy, Rick's old messages, and on and on and on. I caught myself listening to myself talking. Simply enjoying the moment of sharing my thoughts and articulating my ideas out. That whole realization of "I am doing this now" emerges a super great deal of happiness, achievement, and encouragement. Maybe this doesn't sound as a big deal to others. However, Judo is such an intelligent guy, and I have been admiring him and also wished one day I can contribute more in communication, information exchange and became better in expressing myself in English. Not that I am perfect now, but I improved a lot comparing to a year ago! *Big smile*

Really want to congrats myself a bit! ^__________________^

Birthday is coming! Enjoyed a super great message today from church. Still have several homework/midterm need to finish during this weekend. Ready for challenge! I am back to the learning/studying stage where I used to be in junior high years. Another excitement of that too!

Thanks God for all the things he has done for me. Super grateful!
Happy birthday to me!

葡萄

五小時的打工結束剩下的只有疲憊。在5號上塞車塞了很久，滿腦子只想著"我得撐著精神不能打瞌睡！"
適逢週三是Henry's Farmer Market Double Sale日，電話裡他貼心的說要和我會合，陪我一起去。

晃了一圈，只是要囤點特價的蔬果。瞥見葡萄在打折；兩磅五塊錢！我忍不住走了過去。

好累又肚子正餓，加上想著大概半年沒吃葡萄了。這樣一來一回的動著念頭，似乎加深了想要購買的衝動。
挑了一會青葡萄，隨手一秤，兩磅正好五塊。我為難的看著他，說"好貴，對不對？"

自從陵推薦Henry's是買蔬果的好地方，我一向都自豪的可以在這裡買到好deal，低價安全退場。更常有一毛多就買到一大帶新鮮蔬果的輝煌記錄。他聽完我的低聲咕儂，說

"都可以，take whatever you want!"

我開心的挑了一小包三塊多的紅無子葡萄。作為是今晚奢侈的享受！
在努力賺錢省錢的這陣子，他抓住機會就寵我讓我買想要的食物，是今天再一次要記得的暖暖感動。


Traffic on Freeway 5 somehow was pretty bad this afternoon. Maybe it was because of the rain, maybe it was just the traffic load causing jam. I was tired driving due to the work today. Switching between CDs and radio, I kept reminding myself "be alert! Don't fall asleep!"

Wednesday is Henry's Weekly Double Sale Day. In the phone, Joe said he would meet and go with me. Broccoli and carrot are on sale, so does grapes! 2lbs for $5! I looked at him hesitantly. Randomly picking one bag, surprisingly it shows 2lbs on the meter. "well, it's expensive, right?" saying slightly, I thought this is still too expensive for me. With some price discussion conversation, he then said, "it's o.k. You can buy whatever you want!" "Really?!" Feeling pampered, I picked red seedless grapes and knew that this is another day to cherish his treasuring me.

Two things let me tear

It was an ok day for me, from my first thought.

Being at Panera from noon, and then heading to church to be there at 5pm for the rehearsal.

I remembered when driving down on 5 freeway, listening to the song "Reach one more". This is the very first time I listen carefully to what Alva's singing. Suddenly, I realized this is definitely the song written for Rick Warren's dad, I began trembled and teared. I can't help but crying when imagining this story, when imaging seeing this scene what Rick said in the intro.

Do I, also carry this words as the theme of my life?

The second heart-stirring thing will be The Journey.

Though there was no audio people there when I arrived at 5pm, there even remains no people around for the whole night. I still am very touched by this story. Of course the whole setting for this musical are fantastic. However, I do believe this is God who put this overwhelming power in this script and in the atmosphere when we exalted His name.

I am so blessed to be one part of this family.
Thanks for Kathy's kindness helping me figuring out who's gonna taking care of me. She also brought me to Plaza room, showed some stuff to me so I need not staying in the WC by myself. I also learned some MJ's story. This KID is so great! (Yeah, kid..) I am so impressed.


Lyrics~

REACH ONE MORE FOR JESUS

As I looked in my father's eyes
Sat by his bed and held his hand
And I said my last goodbyes
He just held on for as long as he can
And I heard him say

Reach one more for Jesus
Before I close my eyes
I must reach one more for Jesus
I won't let another day go by
That's what I'm living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

As I sat by my father's side
I lay down my head upon his bed
And he felt the tears I cried
And he placed his hand upon my head
And I heard him say
Reach one more for Jesus
Before you close your eyes
You must reach one more for Jesus
Don't let another day go by
That's what you're living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

Before he closed his eyes
For the final time
And left this earth
For home he said

Reach one more for Jesus
Before we close our eyes
Reach one more for Jesus
Don't let another day go by
That's what we're living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

That's what we're living for
To reach one more
For Jesus