婚禮倒數11天 Wedding count down 11 days

快結婚了！好不真實。

最近一邊努力刪去to-do list上的task，一邊也忙著把未來老公的家當搬進我小小的studio。夏天很熱，這星期的高溫都到90多度，祈禱希望下週會涼快一點。

我不喜歡event planning。一整個婚禮籌劃過程很多繁瑣的事情，加上不懂得怎麼做去哪裡問，心情常常很浮躁，也吵了不少架。和安柏聊天時，她都會很優雅的提到她朋友不斷在婚禮籌備過程禱告的經歷，我因此真的是被一次一次在耳朵邊提醒，要禱告，不要自己瞎忙。

近期的超級大感恩是有多年wedding coordinator經驗的朋友主動提及可以幫忙。一直到接近婚籌的尾聲了，我才清楚這是我需要的幫忙。一些朋友在百忙中給意見伸援手，我很感激，但是這樣的有人帶頭拉著我跑，才是我最需要的幫助。很感恩，也在不多的時間裡盡量要繼續做不是很懂的事情。好家在，和老公的互動一直是柳暗花明又一村的在浮躁中，屢有驚喜。

為著婚籌的壓力鬧脾氣，為著一個環境裡的生活習慣在磨合，練習用好的方式表達和溝通，有心灰意冷的時候，但我永遠忘不掉，我們一起南下去幫一個朋友garage sale的忙，一路爭執著，到了家後，他卻進屋捧出一個紮著白色大蝴蝶結的大紅禮物盒出來。我愣在那裡一句話也說不出來。

一場好深刻的體會--我們有爭執、有相左意見、有無意或間或有意的傷害，但我還是愛你。

54 days count down

Recently, there were couple fights between us. In the middle of them or even after them, I sensed the fear and uncertainty about future. That feeling haunts me for a while. It is a feeling which seems like singles won't be able to grasp. At least I don't find single friends understand it. I try not make it look like complaints. No one really gets to hear what is going on. I wait and pray. I feel God does not respond when I want Him to. I expected and found out that weekend sermon was again something about mission.

Listening to the audio book while driving down to OC, I heard a word that resonates with me so strongly- fear. It is because of the fear that I want to defend and protect myself. It is because of the fear that I think I need to fight instead of opening up myself. I recall the arguments during the fights, that I literally picturing myself putting up armors and getting tough. My so-called enemy is this man who is soon going to be my dear husband. How sad.

Soon sister-in-law wrote in the email back to me about what it means to be a wife. She said, two things, respect your husband and always always put God at the center. Messages come from her has no showing off, no judgment but full of sincerity. I appreciated those insights and made the decision to ponder on them more.

Self-centeredness is probably what I got myself into. I think about what I want, what can make me feel safe, what I may like, and what can assure me happiness and joy in the future. Although I may not know the correct answer, I was still so into busying thinking about them and maybe figuring them out. I look at him not as a man who is committed in this relationship and has been working so hard despite our language and cultural difference, but a guy who can not understand all I know, I say and my past. Maybe I was so into the temptation of changing him, I feel defeated by the fact that it can not be achieved.

I am still not as stable and mature as I would like myself to be. Luckily, God somehow still manages to send me messages to the core of my heart. I think about my perseverence when learning how to drive. "If that many people can drive on the road, I should be able to as well." If that many people have gone into marriages, I should be able to as well. I just need to be reminded over and over and over that I am not here to find someone to fulfill me, to meet my needs or to make me happy. I am here to serve and give. I am here to practice living with a king who I respect wholeheartedly. Maybe then in the future, I will be better when seeing God and living with Him. Um, I think this applies there too.

I need to remind myself that I can be tempted to go into the thoughts about "who is the best man who suites me" or "these are the signs that you have found your soul mate". Not that those are unachievable, but I guess those should be bonus but not the goals of going to a marriage. Ha. I can namelist people who will disagree with me on this idea. Will see.

Wedding preparation III Premarital Counseling

Every Wednesday night is our premarital counseling appointment. We have been through half of them and have talked about several areas and issues we should anticipate in marriages. We had our second fight after being engaged this week prior to going to counseling. Joe tried to make up and talked through it before hand, but I was still stubborn.

Extended family, communication and conflict resolution are all issues related to this fight. We gradually unfolded the point till we get to the detail really closely. Joe put my reactions into words really well while he described what he saw in me. My feeling aspect was puzzled with his intention and his behaviors according to my interpretation. It's like a trapped and stuck corner where the definition of love has been redefined. Therefore, love does not look that great any more. Joe said he does not want me suffer and stuff everything inside of me. He wants me and invites me to tell him everything. Bring up things in my perspective and check with him what was going on at his side.

After the session, I tried to tell Joe the minor issues happened before just to practice answering his invitation of letting him know what happened inside of me. I felt his strong and safe arms around me hugging me really tight. I listened to his clarification and explanation of the meaning of love. All of the sudden, I got an epiphany. This man, standing right here, is offering me something that I have dreamed about demanding from people who "claims" to love me. He has seen my past, and understand where I come from. However, he embraced me as who I am and is willing to go beyond to care about me and being extra sensitive to me. I guess I finally grasp that is a sacrificing love- a love that put the other person's interest before his own.

Just to keep a record of the feeling safe and assured from him.

Wedding preparation II + week 9 murmur

Got wedding date changed again. Big bummer!

It took me couple nights to letting go that my dearest friends won't be able to make it and looking forward to have mimi there to be "my old friend". Now it needs to change again. I've noticed when things got changed or became not satisfactory, I have the feeling of not want to care about anything. No good dates to get married, so why get married? even.

It must have something to do with the expectations and trust and the disappointments altogether. And I find I don't really know that I have confidence in the unfamiliar countries.

Week 9. Got the sexuality class midterm back. Didn't get all As. Disappointed. The answers are not enough. It feels like all the efforts were not enough. Even wanted to look external for excuses.

----
Felt: abandoned. Thought: knew it's going to happen again. processing conclusion: when negative emotions come up, he will get frustrated, mad and leave.

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Got dress finalized. Guilty about the cost. Friend said he really treasures you. I am released and confident to have him take care of you now.

Wedding preparation I

I finally started my dress shopping last week. Stores in Temple city have really bad services. Not sure if it's because they are not Taiwanese, therefore, some communications and expectations cause the problems. David's Bridal, however, was such a cool place (especially after the bad experience in Temple City). I found one dress that I really like, but my wallet doesn't like it that much.

Wedding preparation starts becoming stressful to me. I love the dream that family will help you, but hated that I can never get used to their way of communication and comparison or even put down. Mimi said, just let them do whatever they want, the most important thing is get them to pay! May sound odd, funny or even sad. However, that's probably the best strategy.

This preparation makes me know myself more that I am not a huge fan of planning details of a big project. I don't like that I ended up needing to do research, make phone calls, drive, make decisions by myself. I decided to imagine God holding my hands and hugging me all the time in the whole process. Should I apply for a wedding website? Should I make appointment to interview make-up artist now?

Do I have the problem trusting people will love me and help me in all the ways they can? Mom and sis seem to be the only legitimate people that I can fully count on. (not to mention the hassle ). However, friends are the more loving and friendly ones. sigh. Knot.com gave me over 100 items on checklist that's already due. Yep, thank you, why do I need to be the one who mark off the check list? (see how not excited I am about this...)

It reminds me about the experience when I grew up. I never knew how much money I am allow to spend. I try to be super frugal, but feel resented inside while seeing others get to spend more money and being pampered that way. My frugal expense didn't win me any compliment. Then later I occasionally want to spend money on several specific things, no matter how expensive they are, to make myself feel I am worthy spending money on.

This feeling came up while deciding the wedding band. Do they suggest the other because they don't want to spend money on me or they really think the other one is nicer? I can foresee it applies to my wedding dress too.

Another realization is accepting that my closest friends in Taiwan won't be able to make it here. In reality, they are really out of my circle of living now too. I feel wanted to make sure some people will be there, thinking that probably makes me feel treasured?

Maybe it's not much about preparation for wedding, but learning and accepting the reality before the big day.

I want a project manager for my wedding project, who will take it over and see it as his/her responsibility. Is it realistic? God, give me one!

Valentine's Day

I used to think Valentine's Day is a day when both people celebrate with each other, not just guy needs to please the woman. Not sure where I got this idea. I probably feel I don't want to take advantage of the "princess privilege."

This Valentine's Day was a very different one. I have been caught up by midterm, paper and presentations. To a degree that none of the wedding preparation has been done. I told Joe long time ago just giving me a card and don't spend money on anything else. We are pretty tight recently, and I think I don't need to stress him by giving me a big surprise or something.

Saturday, Joe was a big sad that he had to go to a dental appointment before coming to my place. I was just free from my midterm, (also know that my position will be cut soon) haven't prepared anything and didn't expect much from this holiday.

He showed up at my door with flowers and card! Several bags on his hands and he refused me taking them over and seeing what's inside. It turned out that he found some special recipes, and did homework to buy one of my favorite food- abalone! When I imagined the picture that he went to ranch 99 himself, looking through the shelf to find what exactly an abalone can looks like, I just can't help smile and feel super touched. He remembered what we shared as an fun exercise what's my favorite food and even found it himself!

The extraordinary Valentine's meal is cheese fondue, love rice, and bread pudding as dessert. Did I say Joe has the great potential to be a great cook? He proved himself that day! Though I am really not a cheese fan, the flavor of love rice and bread pudding are really really good. I am now thinking maybe I should ask for a homemade bread pudding as my birthday cake.

Save a special me for you

Had the chance to practice the personal guideline today. Though that person had no bad intention at all, he appreciated me speaking up the boundary up front and apologized for his insensitivity. While I made that decision, I was thinking about the person I love. My heart filled with joy that I can follow personal guideline because I truly want to love my fiance and want to protect our relationship.

Joe is the first person that I've ever met who had really strict personal guideline regarding relationships. I remembered the first time reading that and totally in awe that there is someone in the world who intentionally want to avoid confusion and misunderstanding in the relationships between men and women. One example that is totally opposite to Joe's case was a guy I met in Urbana. He came to me telling me how much he cares about mission especially related to Chinese people. We exchange contact information and he actually wrote and called me after the conference. However, after I told him that I am following this rule of not spending time alone with somebody that I am not dating with, he just disappeared. The dream, passion and interest that he shared before seem doesn't mean anything at the end. The suggestion of visiting my small group at that time, of course, never happen either.

If everyone has the chance to win a life-time big prize in their life, I think Joe is it! I am super grateful to have him- someone who is so dilligent, careful and humble especially in the area of personal growth and maturity.


---Guideline Example---

I have some guidelines that I follow when I spend time with guys as a single woman. Basically, unless I'm specifically dating a guy, I don't spend time with him alone. That comes from an awareness of mistakes I've made in my own life (giving guys the wrong impression or them giving me the wrong impression) and trying my best to avoid that common miscommunication and misunderstandings that arise between men and women.

So, if you'd like to get together in a group of 3 or more, that would be great.

聖誕禮物 Christmas Gift

Joe小心翼翼的對我說，因為準備Engagement，就沒有心思設計特別的聖誕禮物了。他開心的拆完禮物後，給了我我的禮物。嘴裡還說，我們之後去逛街，我可以挑我想要的東西當禮物。
Joe said he did not get to get a really special Christmas gift for me after the draining planning of engagement. He wanted to tell me that I can go get other gift besides this one that I am going to open after he got his gifts.

拆開包裝我超級興奮！是那個飛機上的餅乾！
I was super excited after opening the wrapping! It's the cookie I got on the plane!

話說十月底為了visa問題飛去加拿大時，飛機上發了很很很很好吃的小餅乾。我吃了一包，就把剩下的帶回來要給Joe品嚐。他吃了以後也說好吃，不是很甜，但很有特別cinnamon味道。我曾經想過留下空包裝，之後來找到底可以在哪買到。後來不了了之，誰知道，Joe竟然留了包裝而且上網找到，訂了這個要送給我！
When I flew to Canada for the border run, I got a special kind and super yummy cookie on the plane. After tasting the first one, I intentionally saved the rest of them home for Joe. This kind of cookie is not really sweet and it has a special cinnamon flavor. Joe liked it too! I thought about keeping the bag and look for it later, but decided that I didn't want to go through all the troubles. However, Joe did exactly I thought about doing, and ordered this as gift for me!

Yummy Cookie!超級開心和感動。
I was really happy and touched with this yummy cookie gift!

誠實的愛

這陣子的徬徨在昨晚下了決心，選擇誠實的愛，誠實的面對自己、神和別人。不要成為對別人造成模稜兩可壓力的人，說話要誠實坦率，迂迴和影射都是不值得學習的。

朋友鼓勵我在面對婚姻的新挑戰時，要專注在更重要的事情上。接受有時候最親近的家人最不支持是ok的，雖然很痛很傷，但是新的力量是從神來，而不是人與人間不完美、各樣理由的私心。我想無私和奉獻可以用到各樣層面，就像mentor誠實的說如果她的兒子將來不是娶白人，她也會錯愕和訝異。不能照著自己的計畫走，當然會不開心。不過，當兒子最後真的決定了，她的角色就會便城是祝福以及選擇接納和相愛那和自己不同的對方。這樣的成熟包容的愛，讓我很嚮往和動容。

卡在Joe和家庭中間，常常很痛苦。Joe很心疼我每次講完電話後停不住的淚水。我說，我決定了當每每想起和家人間那種不肯定的痛苦懷疑，就告訴自己上帝很愛很愛我;我是祂最鐘愛的女兒;當祂看著我，是會像Joe一向微笑疼惜的；祂在乎我的婚事，關心、也為我開心。

他點點頭跟我說會保護照顧我，就像Paul說的一樣。Becky說她學會哄父母，在心裡嘆氣但是退變成看他們的任性和賭氣。我只是很多喟嘆，是什麼樣的包袱讓東方父母和子女之間要那麼多的眼淚、遺憾和不必要的拐彎抹角和無所適從。他說至少我們可以努力，讓我們以後的家，變得不一樣。

很捉襟見肘的付這個學季的學費。家裡覺得我很不知恥靠別人的幫助，我要學習珍惜被栽培、支持往我覺得應該前行的路去。不富有並不丟臉，不要被金錢綁住更是我要學習的一大功課。很感恩家裡給我的幫助和鋪路，但是成長獨立的責任，我想要學習自己扛。不要在意別人的想法，要努力勇敢並且健康的扛。

好難，切斷感情臍帶的無助。但是要學會看向無限可能的fulfilled生活。加油！

The Hotel Del Coronado (中文版)

他是個大騙子，也是我的未婚夫！
十二月二十星期六是Joe IT team的聖誕party。十二月初，Lisa發出的邀請函，就已躺在我的email信箱裡。邀請函寫著大家必須著正式服裝，傍晚在Lisa在San Diego有著美麗view的大房子阿姨家集合，之後會去一間很棒的餐廳吃飯，IT team買單！

==============================================================
Karen,
Here's the team party I mentioned before. It's in SAN DEIGO! Whoppee! And Matt (or Saddleback, at least) is paying for a nice restaurant. We only have to bring a gift if you want to participate in the gift exchange. I'll probably just bring one, and you can use it to do the exchange. Are we good on the 20th?

Maybe we can go down early and enjoy the day. ;)
Joe
P.S. Oh, and do you have a nice formal dress to wear? I have no idea what to wear. I may borrow something from
Joe. haha.

Karen
這是我跟之前跟你提的party。在San Diego喔！太棒了！Matt（或是Saddleback）會買單。我們只要帶一個禮物做交換就好了。我想我大概會準備一份，所以你可以跟他們交換。20號ok嗎？
或許我們可以早點下去玩！
Joe

Ps. 喔你有正式禮服可以穿嗎？我還不知道我要穿什麼，大概跟室友借吧。哈

-------------------------------------------
From: Lisa Crockett
Sent: Tuesday, December 8, 2008 3:34:27 PM
To: Arthur Ochoa; Stephen Anslow; Joe Chancellor
Cc: Janet Turner
Subject: RSVP for Christmas Party
Auto forwarded by a Rule

Since there's no formal, Saddleback Christmas party this year, we're dressing up by ourselves! Please let me know soon if you will be coming and how many of you will be coming. My aunt's excited to host us and the view from her place is incredible!
既然今年Saddleback沒有正式的聖誕舞會，我們自己來盛裝舉辦一場吧！請盡快回信回覆你會不會參加，是否攜伴和人數。我阿姨很熱心的要開放她在San Diego的家讓我們辦party。從她家可以眺望的景色保證值回票價！

========================================================

我們兩都很喜歡San Diego。Joe很興奮的提議我們當天早點下去San Diego玩，至於這次要去哪裡探險，他會搞定。這段期間內，我們通著email來來往往的討論到底要穿到多正式。應該一件可愛裙子就夠了吧，我問，Joe猛迭聲說，不成不成，據Lisa表示，大家都要穿得很正式才行。

Party一星期前，Joe上Pasadena陪我。原本只是走去Old town逛逛，竟然就拐進店裡讓我為party挑起小禮服。來來回回幾家店禮服不斷的試，petite身材的我，要挑到一件正式漂亮的禮服，老實說是有點難度，得碰點運氣。直到晚上十點店家要關門了，我們終於拍板定案。喜孜孜的拎著新的小禮服，一邊也心想，Joe對我真好，一向最不喜歡逛街的他，竟然陪了我一整晚，超級投入又興致盎然的當個好逛街partner。至於Joe的行頭，他先是說會跟室友借西裝穿，完全符合他極低物慾不好打扮的個性。過沒幾天，他改口說，反正明年他也得穿著正式去博士班的面試，那不如就去買一套西裝好了。「好阿好阿」，我心裡也沒多想。直到事後我才知道，他破天荒的作超級正式打扮，都是為了這一個特別的日子。

這一年我們設計了特別的個人化磁鐵給Team staff當聖誕禮物。好不容易學校 quarter告一段落，我開始日夜瞎忙的要把禮物準備好，帶到party上給大家。手工藝品有時候還真累人。等到我終於忙完可以就寢，已經是星期六的凌晨兩點。星期六一早Joe上來接我，我半裝可憐的說我昨晚好晚睡喔，他聽了心疼得不得了。（事後他告訴我他覺得超級對不起我，竟然因為整個漫天大謊讓我不斷熬夜趕工作禮物）

經過幾乎一整星期的大雨滂沱，星期六的好天氣似乎讓Joe超級興奮。我倒是沒有太大感覺，不過是去餐廳吃飯和party，下不下雨沒什麼差吧。（是阿，事後我終於知道為什麼他為了好天氣那麼開心）我們先是去了老闆推薦Pasadena一家好吃的早餐店想用早餐，接著一路南下，準備去他家把禮物包好順便讓他著裝。

開車往San Diego去的路上，Joe給了我第一個小禮物---一張我們昨天才在談的CD!我心裡覺得納悶，怎麼會送這張CD給我，該不會是聖誕禮物吧？不過可以在約會天拿到小禮物，總是件開心的事！一路上，我一邊補眠、一邊聽著CD，一路跟著Joe閒聊。當車子開上San Diego-Coronado大橋時，眼前的美景讓我整個人清醒了過來。San Diego真是太美了！不過，我們到底是要去哪裡阿？Joe說「祕-密！」

車子轉進了停車場，眼前矗立的是一棟有著紅色球形高頂的漂亮旅館。Joe一邊停車一邊跟我說這飯店可是有百年歷史的地標喔。下車前，他變出了第二個禮物給我！「哇哇哇」，我心裡想著，「今天的約會怎麼那麼棒！」

飯店後面緊臨著美麗的沙灘，不可思議的是，除了餐廳水池，竟然有一個很大的圓形溜冰場！我興奮的跟Joe說pittsburgh也有一個很美的skate ring，只是我老嚷著想去溜，卻一次也沒有成行。Joe笑笑說，「今天說不定是你的幸運日喔！ 」接著拉著我走去溜冰場售票口。「欸欸…」等等，現在是什麼情況？Joe 的隨性舉動讓我超級困惑。 想了一會兒，我決定放棄穿得超級美麗小禮服溜冰摔得七暈八素的機會，改挑做旁邊超酷的四人腳踏座車！溜冰，下回穿牛仔褲再來！

這棟飯店叫做「The Hotel Del Coronado」，硬要翻譯，大概是皇冠之飯店（聽起來很怪，哈）。飯店其實有著兩百年歷史，整棟建築不只外面風景建築物美，內部的古意裝飾陳列更是一大景點。舉飯店大廳為例，全木頭的建築與擺設，真有令人置身歷史的感覺。我們穿梭在飯店的各個角落，走著歷史走廊、商店、古早物小店、美食加精品，應有盡有。Joe在我駐足咖啡店前精緻糕點冰櫃的瞬間，就拎著我去挑一個好吃的巧克力莓果慕思。逛花園、逛商店、四處照相，今天有點隨事都心想事成的神奇感覺。在大廳的巨型聖誕樹前照相時，我們還看到兩個穿著像是十九世紀初期的人。我說「這一定是飯店員工故意扮裝」，Joe說「是嗎？我還想他們是一般客人耶。」

在海邊看完夕陽後， 我們差不多逛遍了各個可以照相的景點，第一棵相機電池也已耗盡。我開始問起，我們要集合的地方在哪阿？離這裡遠嗎？我們幾點要走？會不會遲到？Joe說Lisa剛剛打過電話來說有人塞在高速公路上，所以可以晚一點再去沒關係。「喔」我繼續四處巡覽，直到我們兩個的腳都開始酸累，才坐在lobby沙發上休息。「那邊走廊的ballroom今天晚上會有一個秀喔，我想這些穿得很正式的人都是為了那個秀來的吧」Joe指著走廊對我說，「是喔」，我踱步過去在ballroom外探頭探腦，壓根兒不知道這會是Joe給我的下一個驚喜。

「我們該走了」，又過了十分鐘，Joe終於下了動身指令。我穿上大衣、戴上圍巾，準備走進入夜的寒冷裡。奇怪的是，Joe把我帶到了ballroom的大門前，跟著入場的人群一起排著隊。「恩，其實Lisa沒有住在San Diego的阿姨」他說。「什麼？」「恩…」「那聖誕party呢？」「也沒有聖誕party，….只有我們兩個，然後我們要進去看這個秀。」Joe從上衣口袋像變魔術一般的掏出了兩張票。哇塞！這傢伙竟然騙我！我滿心覺得這個驚喜真是太酷了！什麼時候我的男朋友竟然學會製造大驚喜？不過，幹嘛搞得這麼特別阿？聖誕節還沒到，交往紀念日也還有一個禮拜多，哎呀，不管了，反正又不重要。我們開始嘻嘻哈哈的虧起他竟然會為了驚喜說謊騙我，這跟他一向堅持的要當「一個可以讓我相信他說的每一句話的人」，實在是有點衝突。

宴會廳的大門一開，迎面迎接我們的是成群穿著90年代初期衣服的演員們。「阿！你早就知道那兩個人是這個秀的演員了！」我抗議著，Joe點點頭笑著拉著我進場。大廳裡服務生逡巡著端著各樣開胃菜服務大家，跳舞的、音樂演奏的，各自角落優雅的翩然拉起序幕。我們持著各樣的開胃菜和飲料，在落地窗前聊天看夜景，等著好戲上場。這個晚餐音樂劇，是讓觀眾成為劇中Marshall家的聖誕晚會賓客。這些Marshall家的成員不只又演又唱又跳，還身兼我們的服務生，各自有負責的圓桌。燈一亮，眾演員歡迎我們來到「他們家」，我被領到了舞台正中央的第一張桌子！

一整晚的show加晚餐，我都處在極興奮的狀態。音樂劇一向是我鍾愛的表演，當然美食也不能放過。整個表演我的嘴大概一整晚是張大大的呈現癡呆狀吧。當我看向Joe時，也是猛著傻笑，一定看起來像個興奮的呆瓜。一整晚不論是家庭的歌舞表演、鋼琴演奏、水杯音樂秀、笑話、故事甚至是跟觀眾的互動，讓我看得目不轉睛，超級忙碌。又是照相又是吃飯，還要分神注意哪個舞台角落又要有表演了，或是一不小心會被背後出現的演員嚇一大跳，好吃的牛排大蝦大餐，我竟然最後甜點都吃不完。

當show結束散場，我們留下來繼續拍了不少照片，才慢慢的準備離席。這回可是真的要穿上大衣戴上圍巾步入寒風裡了。Joe領著我繞路又到了海灘上，我心想「大概他想要在走一次後廊花園的路，所以才不直接走通往停車場的出口吧」。我們在海邊坐了下來，Joe拿出了我今晚的第三個禮物。「要小心拆喔，這是易碎品」他說。我小心翼翼的打開驚喜，是一個特別的燭台！圓柱形的壁是一成串的文字！我們點起了蠟燭，開始順著螺旋往下讀。


「你是我的公主 （喔～真甜蜜）
我的知己 （Confidant是什麼意思阿？*英文課時間*）
我的靈感
我珍貴的寶藏 （這個我喜歡）
我的啦啦隊
我的鼓舞
我的希望
我的小甜心
我的朋友
我的夢想家 （恩..這倒是有點特別）
我們ministry夥伴 （等等..這是不是特別訂製的東西阿？）
我的愛人 （哇…這真的是給我的嗎）
我的小猴 （我的老天！這真的是我專屬的禮物耶）
Will （我花好久才看出這是個Will，本來還想看起來真像WII。該不會是要寫WII
wish you a Xmas吧？那就太爆笑了..）
YOU…
….」


在我好不容易辨識出Will這個字，繼續往下轉，唸出YOU，我整個人就停住了。映入眼簾的是「WILL YOU MARRY ME」！整個進入大震驚的我，看著Joe彷彿是慢動作一般的從口袋裡拿出了戒指，跪在我面前，開始對我說起話來。我必須自首極度驚嚇的我，根本記不大得他對我說了甚麼。隱約記得他為我我們交往多久了，對我說他對我的感覺和他多麼開心我們在一起的這段時間之類的。我當時一定看起來像被雷打到。喃喃的吐出yes，Joe輕輕的把戒指套到我的手上。

=============================================================

之後他才娓娓道來整個大計畫裡的小細節家內幕：
1.那個燭台是他從荷蘭訂製來的！荷蘭！！幾天前他還接到該公司寄來的email，信上說，他們看到從機器中出來的成品，發現有人要用這個燭台求婚，整公司都興奮得不得了。因此寫信想要問對成品滿不滿意，過程進行得順不順利，並且希望他求婚成功後拍照讓他們分享！

2. Joe的家人一整天對他拼命奪命連環call，想要知道大計畫進行得如何。他幾次說要如廁其實是去廁所裡打電話說，不要再打來了！我不會接電話了！

3. Joe的室友早就知道當天是個求婚大作戰。結果他跟我聊天時還是一派平靜悠哉的問我今天計畫做什麼。我還興奮的跟他描述要去辦公室的聖誕party，而且誇張的哀號我還忙著在包裝禮物。現在想起來，室友實在是功力高深，有夠會演戲！

4. 想當然爾，整個辦公師都知道Joe的計畫。整個party完全是個大謊言。邀請函、party、阿姨家全是Joe想出來的idea。大家都串通好如果我問的話要怎麼應對！

5. 在飯店逛的時候，Joe曾說他有點擔心車子，要去check一下，其實是偷偷去拿禮物和戒指。晚餐時，我偶爾去牽他的手，摸摸他的大腿，他還很緊張的想我是不是發現什麼了，在偷偷check西裝裡是不是有裝戒指的小盒子。(寶貝，我只能說你真是太多慮了。我真的是壓根兒一點頭緒也沒阿)

以上就是整個求婚記。 Joe的的確確給了我一個超級浪漫的大驚喜。同時，這過去的一個月，他也是個超級大騙子。在我們展開新的未婚夫妻關係的同時，看樣子是有必要坐下來好好談談關於誠實議題了。

更多照片:

The Hotel Del Coronado-Proposal Surprise

The Hotel Del Coronado

He is a big fat liar and he is now my fiancé. :D
December 20th is Joe’s team’s Christmas party day! He has forwarded me the email at the beginning of December and seemed to be excited about that.

================================================================
Karen,
Here's the team party I mentioned before. It's in SAN DEIGO! Whoppee! And Matt (or Saddleback, at least) is paying for a nice restaurant. We only have to bring a gift if you want to participate in the gift exchange. I'll probably just bring one, and you can use it to do the exchange. Are we good on the 20th?

Maybe we can go down early and enjoy the day. ;)
Joe
P.S. Oh, and do you have a nice formal dress to wear? I have no idea what to wear. I may borrow something from
Joe. haha.
-------------------------------------------
From: Lisa Crockett
Sent: Tuesday, December 8, 2008 3:34:27 PM
To: Arthur Ochoa; Stephen Anslow; Joe Chancellor
Cc: Janet Turner
Subject: RSVP for Christmas Party
Auto forwarded by a Rule

Since there's no formal, Saddleback Christmas party this year, we're dressing up by ourselves! Please let me know soon if you will be coming and how many of you will be coming. My aunt's excited to host us and the view from her place is incredible!

================================================================

“It looks fun!” I was really excited as well. Since we both like to go to San Diego, his suggestion of driving down early and having fun looks like a great idea to me. We had emails back and forth discussing how formal we need to dress up on that day. I suggest wearing a cute skirt should be enough, but he insist Lisa has said it needs to be really formal. About one week ahead of the time, he took me shopping for dress because of the event. Though it felt a bit weird that he happily took me shopping (he really doesn’t like shopping), I just figured he was trying his best to keep me accompany and do something that I like. Joe said he would just borrow suit from his roommate. “Of course”, I think. It makes sense to me. However, couple days later, he said he is thinking about getting a suite. Since he will need it in couple months for the PhD interview as well. He should just get one now. “Sure,” I think. Only till later I was told that he dressed up super nice all for this special purpose.

Saturday turned out to be a good day, especially it has been raining for days earlier that week. (Now it all comes back to me why he was so excited and commented it’s nice that the weather was good.) I had stayed up late for days trying to get our personalized Christmas gifts done for the office staff. (yep, he felt super bad after learning this.) After he picked me up, we went to a nice breakfast place in Pasadena. It all felt like fun. Then we headed south to his place to finish gift-wrapping and for him to dress up.

On the way down to San Diego, I got my first gift- a CD that we just talked about the day before. “Um…”, I felt pretty odd to get this CD as a gift. However, nice little gift seems pretty good to me on a nice date. During the driving, it’s me sleeping, we listening to the CD, and chitchatting the whole time. As we drove on the San Diego-Coronado Bridge, the pretty view in front of me totally makes me awake. San Diego is such a pretty place! But, where are we going? Joe said, “It’s a secret.”

“This is a famous couple hundred years old hotel,” Joe said as he pulled into the parking lot. We came to a pretty hotel with huge red crown shape on the top of the building. Hotel Del Coronado is the name. Before we got off the car, he brought out another gift to me. “Wow,” I thought, “this date seems pretty nice”.

The hotel has a nice beach at the back. As we walking on the path, there is a huge ring skating right in front of me. I was telling Joe we had one in Pittsburgh but I never get to try it. He held my hands and told me today may be my lucky day. “What?” His response totally confused me. After some thoughts, I said I want to pick cool 4 people bike ride instead of falling on the ice ring stake with nice dress on.

The hotel is actually 200 years old. It has its little museum telling its history. There are also a hallway of cool shops, antique stuff, and a huge Christmas tree in the old style wood lobby. We had chocolate mousse berry cup, coffee, and lots of pictures. And we joked around two weird people dress up like in the old days. “They must be hotel staffs,” I said. “Yep? I thought they are just customers,” Joe said.

After the sunset, we pretty much visit every part of the hotel and ran out of first camera battery as well. I start asking where is the house that we are going to? Is it far away from here? When should we leave? Will we be late? Joe said Lisa just called and said people are stuck in the traffic, so we can stay here longer. Ok. We kept browsing all the stores, gardens, and finally both had sore legs resting in the lobby comfy couch.

“There will be a show tonight at the end of the hallway. I think most people who dress up nice are for that.” Joe told me. “Oh, yeah?” I went there peaking outside of the ballroom. “An American Christmas”, the huge poster outside of the ballroom said. “Looks neat,” I think, without any idea that this is the next surprise Joe is about to show me.

Another ten minutes passed by. He said, ok, we should go now. I put my coat on, scarf on, ready to go into the coldness outside. He then brought me to the door of the ballroom, said, “Um…Lisa doesn’t have an aunt living in San Diego.” “What?” “Yep…..” “what about the party?” “There is no party. Just two of us.” “What?” “Yep. We are actually going to this show.” He then pulled out the tickets from his pocket. I was surprised but thinking this is so cool. My cute bf starts to know how to surprise me and give me a really nice evening. Wow. But why? Nah. Not important. We joked that he actually lied to me, which is so against to his standard of being someone who I can trust every single word he said.

As the door opened, we were greeted by LOTS of actors and actresses who dressed up like people in 1900s. “Oh! You already knew those two people are from this show.” Joe smiled and nodded while I protested. The evening started with free appetizers and drinks. Waiters walking around the room serve us. It came out to be that we are in a big show, pretending we are the guests of this Marshall’s family. When the event starts, I was led to the first table in the center, right in front of the stage!

I was so excited with this cool dinner event. I love musical (and great food of course). The whole show I probably ended up feeling awestruck and have mouth wide open. All the singings, dancing, piano playing, jokes, water-glass song, acting, and even interaction with guests make me super busy the whole night. I probably just smiled like a fool when I looked at Joe. What a great night, and I even didn’t finish my dessert.

Ok. The show ends. Since we are not hurry, we took time chilled; taking pictures in the coolest crown room I’ve ever seen. Now we should go! We walked out this time with coat and scarf on again for real. But he took me back to the beach again instead of going directly to the parking lot. “um..I guess he wants to take the garden path again, maybe.” We sat down on the beach; he gave me my last gift for the day. “Be careful, it’s fragile.” I carefully unpack my gift. It’s a special candleholder with texts on the wall! We popped the candle light on, put it inside, now the reading time!

“YOU ARE MY PRINCESS (aw…that’s sweet)
MY CONFIDANT (what does this mean? *English class time*)
MY INSPIRATION
MY TREASURE (I like this)
MY CHEERLEADER
MY ENCOURAGER
MY HOPE
MY SWEETHEART
MY FRIEND
MY FELLOW DREAMER (This is a little special…)
MY MINISTRY PARTNER (Wait! Am I getting a personalized gift?)
MY LOVER (wow. is this for me?)
MY MONKI (Aaaahhhh! It’s a gift just for me!)
WILL ….. (*we are having hard time recognizing this word…Is it WII? Or…WII wish you a merry
Xmas? Haha. Too funny, can’t be the case…ohoh, I got it it’s WILL!)
YOU… (…….)
.............”

Right after I cheerfully recognize the word “WILL”, as I turn the holder around, I read “WILL YOU…” and then stopped. “WILL YOU MARRY ME” popped out in front of me. Joe reached his pocket and brought out a ring. Knees down, he started talking to me while I am in huge huge huge huge shock! He poured out his heart to me, however I need to confess that I got words coming into my ears but soon disappeared in my head. I remembered he asked me how long we’ve been dating, and how much he liked me and enjoyed us. I must look like someone who just got struck by the lightning or something. Mumbling my yes out, and he put the ring on my finger.

===
Later he told me the whole stories and funny little details.

1. He ordered this cool thing from Netherlands! Couple days ago he even got an email from the company said they are so excited about this order after they saw this thing came out from the machine. They emailed him asking how things going and wanted him to tell them how it goes after proposal!

2. Joe’s family kept calling him throughout the day wanting to know if everything turns out well. He actually went to restroom to call them back, warning them do not call again. He will not answer phones afterwards!

3. Joe’s roommate already knew this is a proposal event! He acted so normal while chatting with me asking me what’s the plan for the day. I was excited telling him we were going to the IT team party and I am busy wrapping gift! Now in retrospect, he was so calm and even wished me have a great time in the party!
4. The office already knew about this proposal. Everything is a lie! Invitation, party idea, aunt story…they are all Joe’s idea and his great work.

5. When he told me he needs to check the car, he actually went in to pick up ring and gift. During dinner, while I held his hands and touch his thigh, he was super nervous wondering was I checking if there’s a box with my ring! (Babe, you worry too much! I am honestly completely clueless)

So, this is the proposal surprise story. Joe has really given me a great romantic surprise. He is a great liar throughout this whole month. And we will need to have a talk about honesty and transparency as we start our new relationship. Haha!

More pictures :

The Hotel Del Coronado-Proposal Surprise

Love thoughts

Love Is a Choice
by Rick Warren

… That you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 30:20 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***
Love is a choice and a commitment. You choose to love or you choose not to love.

Today we’ve bought into this myth that love is uncontrollable, that it’s something that just happens to us; it’s not something we control. In fact, even the language we use implies the uncontrollability of love. We say, “I fell in love,” as if love is some kind of a ditch. It’s like I’m walking along one day and bam! – I fell in love. I couldn’t help myself.

But I have to tell you the truth – that’s not love. Love doesn’t just happen to you. Love is a choice and it represents a commitment.

There’s no doubt about it, attraction is uncontrollable and arousal is uncontrollable. But attraction and arousal are not love. They can lead to love, but they are not love. Love is a choice.

You must choose to love God; he won’t force you to love him (Deuteronomy 30:20). You can thumb your nose at God and go a totally different way. You can destroy your life if you choose to do that. God still won’t force you to love him. Because he knows love can’t be forced.

And this same principle is true about your relationships: you can choose to love others, but God won’t force you to love anyone.

------------

One of the friends wanted to become a missionary at Afghanistan. She applied for the teaching position at international school over there. God's calling was so strong in her life that she constantly felt for the poor, the sick, especially in that area. And it comes to this guy whom she's dating now.

"I will see if God lets our relationship grow during this period of time. If it does, that means God wants me to stay here with him and not go to Afghanistan," she said.

Like what the devotion articles says above, people think love is something that just happen to you. It's not even rare to see that attitude in Christian circle. I wonder if we sometimes are just too afraid to admit what's really in our minds. Take the friend as an example, a good question to ask her would be, "do you feel backing off about God's calling because you dream to get married and you don't want to miss it if it can happen with this relationship?" Wanting to get married is not wrong at all. However, if that dream is so big that we are willing to pull off all other aspects of growth in our lives, then it may cause problems in the future.

Love is a choice. God gives us free will, and choosing who to love is definitely within that realm. It's not to say that God has nothing to do with our relationship lives. He definitely bless, guide, and is in control of it. However, stop using God as an excuse to explain why relationship improves or deteriorate. We, are the ones that are responsible for that.

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 3)

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 3)
by Rick Warren


Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others … James 3:17 (LB)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

Concentrate on reconciliation, not resolution. Reconciliation means to re-establish the relationship; resolution means to resolve every issue by coming to agreement on everything.

That’s simply not going to happen. I don’t care if you both love the Lord and are both deeply in love with each other, there are some things you’ll never agree on because God has wired each of us differently.

But you can disagree without being disagreeable. That’s called wisdom. The Bible says in James 3, “Wisdom … is peace-loving and courteous. It allows discussion and it is willing to yield to others.”

The Bible says it’s wise to compromise. You can have unity without uniformity. You can walk hand-in-hand without seeing eye-to-eye. You can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue.

Some of you are worn out from the conflict in your marriage. You want to throw in the towel. Don’t do it! It is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.

Let me close with a couple of suggestions:

1. Get help. Many marriages are miserable, and they go year after year with the same old problems because the couple doesn’t seek professional help. Don’t go to just anybody; get a godly counselor who bases his/her practice on God’s Word.

2. Let God help. The other thing you need to do is get help from God. You can’t do this on your own. I’ve seen these steps work, but you need Christ’s power to work them.

Many marriage conflicts could be solved overnight if both the husband and wife would kneel before Jesus and say, “We humble ourselves and humbly ask you to make this thing work. We submit our egos to you and our hurts to you. Jesus, do what only you can do.”

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 2)

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 2)
by Rick Warren


Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you … in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves. Philippians 2:3-4 (PH)

*** *** *** ***

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

Convene a peace conference. Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally. Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone. Jesus says don’t ignore it. Deal with the issue while you can. If you’ve got something wrong with somebody or they’ve got something wrong with you, God says you go to them.

When? At once. Postponed conflict only gets worse. Another verse in the Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26 HCSB). I think that means 24 hours would be the maximum amount of time you should let something go unresolved. You need to settle it as soon as possible, before it festers and turns into bitterness.
Consider my mate’s perspective. I can’t just look at my own viewpoint, my own situation; I have to look at your viewpoint too. This is very difficult because it’s not natural. It requires an intentional shift where I have to change my focus from looking at my needs to looking at your needs. It takes God to do that.

When you understand where people are coming from, it’s so much easier. The better you understand your mate, the less conflict you’re likely to have with him or her.

How do you learn to understand your spouse? Listen. Listen more than you talk. This again is not easy for many of us. It’s not easy for me. Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side, to defend ourselves that we don’t even stop to listen to the other person’s point of view or what they are saying.

You are most like Christ when you ask, “What are her/his needs and how can I meet them?” When you’re angry, you’re preoccupied with yourself. But when you’re like Christ, you look to each other’s interests and not merely your own. One of the most powerful peacemaking statements you can say to your husband/wife is, “I’m sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)
by Rick Warren


You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues. One of the silliest fights Kay and I ever had was over bath soap.

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

Call on God for help. Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call “ventilating vertically.” Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, “Here’s how I feel,” and you just lay it out.

James 4:2 teaches, “You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (NIV). Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

Confess your part of the conflict. Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part. When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!

Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck in another’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly” (GNT).

I need to ask, “Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?”

Tomorrow we’ll look at two more steps to resolving conflict with your spouse.


© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

Class. to learn theories or self

What's interesting is that the issues we talk about in "Marriage and Interpersonal relationship" totally applies to me in my current life. I am stuck in the trauma and pattern from the past. The trauma tells my brain, "Wake up! This is the most important thing in the world!" Other things around in my life just dim. Very true. I haven't had a chance to see if my reaction actually imitates any family member's conditioned reaction in this kind of situation. Um..in that sense, the class is actually refreshing and giving me a chance to jump out of the circle and look at things objectively.

A bit clueless about my own status. Feel want to change or even just say a spell. Lord, help me move my stiff leg when it's ready. Help me even be able to feel the stiff and realize this is not something to hide, but to give a good hot massage to relieve.

anger behind apology

When his joyful sound transmitted through the phone, my tears start dropping.

Not sure what was the hidden reason, however, I feel apology was used against my personhood...from my childhood. I have the same feeling when he got angry in the fight. It seems that apology is the only way to get me out of the storm. After the apology, quarrel dies down, and I feel I have been discounted and disparaged again.

I wonder if I am not ready for relationships yet. I still want the gentle voice coax me. I see myself nodding heads like little girl listening to loving adult. I can't. I somehow just can't function well in this.

If it looks like apology is forced to apply in the situation, then the heart breaks and hurts even more terribly. I did feel from what I learned and what we discussed on class, those are the things that he deserves. So, maybe problem is me. Maybe no one is ready to help me yet.

I hate the "sit-down-and-apologize-otherwise-I-will-yell-till-you-surrender" scene. The more irritating one is after the apology has done, then people disappeared. I feel they finally get what they want from me. So I am left, unloved.

I want to learn to protect myself from anger. However, that may not be something that I can achieve overnight. The motive of doing that is worthy questioned too. If that is a simple truth that I am afraid or maybe conditioned to something, insisting removing that seems like denying. I should learn the real reality of anger. However, being sensitive is not my fault, isn't it?

I hate it. I can't. sigh.

To love at all is to be vulnerable...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
---C.S. Lewis

我寶貝的他

My heart feel for him when he's busy trying to tackle all the tasks on his to-do list. I hope I have magic to make those tasks go away. He would have been able to have a relaxing vacation or something.

I want to be the first one to cheer for him when he finishes his task and reaches his goal. Not sure if I have done it well enough. I felt a bit sad that he was frustrated and not feeling too well.

Will I really be picky about engagement? I have no idea. However, I want to trust him and I want to be able to trust him more and more. Though engagement is really a western thing, I think he values me so much that he wants to have time to do his best. :) sweet.

I want to try harder. Both work and school. Both financial and emotional. I want to be better. I want him be happy and feel his life is fulfilled with meanings. The path is not easy. Most of the time I am following him, looking up to him and want to be his helper.

When I described how much I like him to Linda, she smiled and said, it should be like that. Don't need to be embarrassed about. Guess I really need to consciously be grateful and appreciate my single life. Try to get used to job and school. Take one step at a time. My God and my man are both so nice to me. Everything will be o.k.

I want him feel o.k. too. Make a wish! babe.

Little things that show me he cares

* Album*
Rick Muchow has a new album out. Pastor Rick joked about signing the CD personally at the end of the service. Joe asked me will I want a CD or not. I said maybe. Then he gladly reached his wallet to buy me one. He knows I loved and admired Rick Muchow and his great music ministry. I want him know that I treasure his every little effort he does for me as well.

*Family*
After service, we met with Sean for dinner. It has been couple months since we started this routine to catch up with friends. Joe shared several highlights about our trip with Sean. With listening and understanding, he also connected with Sean's story while he first shared that with us. Looking at Joe's sincere facial expression, hearing him saying this is difficult but he will never give up building relationships with them, I told my heart and my mind to record his love for me, the love that shows through these conscious decisions and sacrifices. He doesn't need to put up with the difficulties that my family present, but he chose to handle it and has kept encouraging me to work on that as well. I have been super blessed to have him in my life.