Love surpasses all rituals

我很想怪罪自己。是沒有念博士呢？還是因為沒有賺大錢？是不夠討人喜歡，還是本質就有問題？為什麼要一直哭，為什麼要一直受傷？為什麼不能開開心心？為什麼還是抓著很多不切實際的期望？為什麼卡在中間？為什麼不知道怎麼處理？為什麼不能沈穩的提出要求、點出問題？為什麼鬼打牆加情緒起伏超大？為什麼不能狠心？為什麼不能果斷？為什麼要有天真浪漫的幻想？為什麼不能更相信？

是不夠獨立？還是鍛鍊不夠？是界限不清不明？還是永遠跟著跳舞？

我要加入很相信的推銷團。Even though I joked about it's marketing for God, I truly want to choose that side and say, "God, here is all I have, it's so little, please help me. Please love me with no condition, please be happy for me, please take care of all the details for me, please handle this for me."

我很不會下決定，我很依賴別人的意見。我只是在找不到意見時就連unsafe people's 也聽了進去，然後就受傷了，然後就哭了。可是哭只會讓眼睛不舒服，沒有辦法解決問題，還是禱告比較好，因為比較有效。

馬丁路得日雜記

先招了，這篇雜記跟馬丁路得一點關係也沒有。

這兩天情緒又是大起伏。朋友問我，怎麼知道Joe很愛我？我想最強力的安定劑是他一個勁兒的要保護我，特別是在我自己都飛蛾撲火，不覺得是危機的時候。在那種當下，其實我很不諒解他，覺得他似乎很絕情。但是當我在一次潰堤，我才知道我得承認一部份的我還讓我的desire主宰著我，不肯相信既定的事實。

媽想要讓我知道她愛我，我一邊聽著卻同時全身細胞都覺得痛苦。很多時候很想把所謂的boundary全都丟了吧，怎麼那麼痛、怎麼那麼難？我看得到我想直接跳回去，跟著玩family dance，一起繼續manipulation, guilt 和indirect。因為大家都習慣，因為沒有刺，因為很簡單。

babe拿到第一個面試了！超讚！

Reminder-unasked advice

It didn't take long for me to receive another unasked advice from someone who had heard my prayer request in a group sharing setting. My radar wasn't on for a while. Only till later the awakening realization sunk in and I started feel intruded and unsafe. This has been the second time ever since I was exposed to the rule of "only focusing on yourself and do not offer advices, comments or suggestions if not being explicitly asked."

It is because of my personal experience that makes me understand deeply how hurtful and destructive unasked advice giving can be. I want to remind and encourage myself to be the safe person and don't resemble this mistake like others who may or may not be aware of this principle.

Gender fish bowl practice observation

During the class today, professors took about 20 students who volunteered to participate to do the gender fish bowl practice. Women go first, everybody listen, and then guys turn.

Other than the content difference to the questions: what was it like for you growing up as a boy/girl, I notice some differences between women and men's group.

It's interesting to see guys sit down as a circle and try to share. Not sure if this is a gender difference or preference difference, here are some things:
1. Someone pointed to another man to be the first guy to start sharing, while women seem find volunteer to be the first one to share.
2. Guys then follow the circle taking time share, while women took the popcorn style letting whoever want to share go.
3. Guys tend to share something about others. Even though they eventually get to the point of their own experience, they seem to have more "difficulty" go right into the topic? Not sure if this is a gender difference, or just not used to practice a lot. I wonder if in CR group, men started like this also but gradually get more used to "dive to the core".
4. There seem to be fewer women struggle with lacking female adult model around them while most men didn't have emotional connection/access to male adult model.

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This kind of activity looks fun to have in a safe small group setting. Should be a good chance to touch feelings and explore about individual's own growth and lessons from peers.

Can international students ask questions in class because of language problems?

Want to be better.

Got a first-time response from professors that they prefer students not asking them questions during class simply because of language barriers. I felt offended.

I don't feel ashamed of letting people see I have online translator on during class. I look up words I hear that I am not sure about meanings. One student once told me "sorry, I saw that you were looking up words using dictionary. I was not sure if you don't want people to know that.." I don't understand. To the opposite, I felt proud that I can guess what the word I just hear might be and find it in seconds. Do people really think non-English speaker is lower than normal people? Do I think people who don't speak English better than me are second-class?

Save a special me for you

Had the chance to practice the personal guideline today. Though that person had no bad intention at all, he appreciated me speaking up the boundary up front and apologized for his insensitivity. While I made that decision, I was thinking about the person I love. My heart filled with joy that I can follow personal guideline because I truly want to love my fiance and want to protect our relationship.

Joe is the first person that I've ever met who had really strict personal guideline regarding relationships. I remembered the first time reading that and totally in awe that there is someone in the world who intentionally want to avoid confusion and misunderstanding in the relationships between men and women. One example that is totally opposite to Joe's case was a guy I met in Urbana. He came to me telling me how much he cares about mission especially related to Chinese people. We exchange contact information and he actually wrote and called me after the conference. However, after I told him that I am following this rule of not spending time alone with somebody that I am not dating with, he just disappeared. The dream, passion and interest that he shared before seem doesn't mean anything at the end. The suggestion of visiting my small group at that time, of course, never happen either.

If everyone has the chance to win a life-time big prize in their life, I think Joe is it! I am super grateful to have him- someone who is so dilligent, careful and humble especially in the area of personal growth and maturity.


---Guideline Example---

I have some guidelines that I follow when I spend time with guys as a single woman. Basically, unless I'm specifically dating a guy, I don't spend time with him alone. That comes from an awareness of mistakes I've made in my own life (giving guys the wrong impression or them giving me the wrong impression) and trying my best to avoid that common miscommunication and misunderstandings that arise between men and women.

So, if you'd like to get together in a group of 3 or more, that would be great.

Educator or Therapist

Two of the classes already started. Professors are all pretty cool and funny. While thinking through those class project, I started wonder what my future role really will be. Therapist seems to be a short term goal that I can have one way to make money. Educator seems to be a long term goal and more practical, especially in the sense that you can give a crowd something new and have an influence on them.

I remembered Joe's observation that I always get nervous and tensed when something changes. New quarter is another change; wanting to be good is another stress source again. Even to "fathom" future life is another stress as well.

Really like the point we talked about in class today that sexuality and spirituality are intricately connected. I somehow got the idea that they are both relational and powerful and the unspoken part of touched feeling makes me want to get closer to God.

Matt said he's happy seeing me and Joe getting even closer. While enjoying the feeling that I really want to spend time with Joe, I am reminding and cheering myself up as well to enjoy the time spent with God.

Marriage, family, life goal, China trip, educator, therapy, school plan, life plan, money, job, ...and all and all. God's the big and top umbrella.