Wedding preparation I

I finally started my dress shopping last week. Stores in Temple city have really bad services. Not sure if it's because they are not Taiwanese, therefore, some communications and expectations cause the problems. David's Bridal, however, was such a cool place (especially after the bad experience in Temple City). I found one dress that I really like, but my wallet doesn't like it that much.

Wedding preparation starts becoming stressful to me. I love the dream that family will help you, but hated that I can never get used to their way of communication and comparison or even put down. Mimi said, just let them do whatever they want, the most important thing is get them to pay! May sound odd, funny or even sad. However, that's probably the best strategy.

This preparation makes me know myself more that I am not a huge fan of planning details of a big project. I don't like that I ended up needing to do research, make phone calls, drive, make decisions by myself. I decided to imagine God holding my hands and hugging me all the time in the whole process. Should I apply for a wedding website? Should I make appointment to interview make-up artist now?

Do I have the problem trusting people will love me and help me in all the ways they can? Mom and sis seem to be the only legitimate people that I can fully count on. (not to mention the hassle ). However, friends are the more loving and friendly ones. sigh. Knot.com gave me over 100 items on checklist that's already due. Yep, thank you, why do I need to be the one who mark off the check list? (see how not excited I am about this...)

It reminds me about the experience when I grew up. I never knew how much money I am allow to spend. I try to be super frugal, but feel resented inside while seeing others get to spend more money and being pampered that way. My frugal expense didn't win me any compliment. Then later I occasionally want to spend money on several specific things, no matter how expensive they are, to make myself feel I am worthy spending money on.

This feeling came up while deciding the wedding band. Do they suggest the other because they don't want to spend money on me or they really think the other one is nicer? I can foresee it applies to my wedding dress too.

Another realization is accepting that my closest friends in Taiwan won't be able to make it here. In reality, they are really out of my circle of living now too. I feel wanted to make sure some people will be there, thinking that probably makes me feel treasured?

Maybe it's not much about preparation for wedding, but learning and accepting the reality before the big day.

I want a project manager for my wedding project, who will take it over and see it as his/her responsibility. Is it realistic? God, give me one!

Valentine's Day

I used to think Valentine's Day is a day when both people celebrate with each other, not just guy needs to please the woman. Not sure where I got this idea. I probably feel I don't want to take advantage of the "princess privilege."

This Valentine's Day was a very different one. I have been caught up by midterm, paper and presentations. To a degree that none of the wedding preparation has been done. I told Joe long time ago just giving me a card and don't spend money on anything else. We are pretty tight recently, and I think I don't need to stress him by giving me a big surprise or something.

Saturday, Joe was a big sad that he had to go to a dental appointment before coming to my place. I was just free from my midterm, (also know that my position will be cut soon) haven't prepared anything and didn't expect much from this holiday.

He showed up at my door with flowers and card! Several bags on his hands and he refused me taking them over and seeing what's inside. It turned out that he found some special recipes, and did homework to buy one of my favorite food- abalone! When I imagined the picture that he went to ranch 99 himself, looking through the shelf to find what exactly an abalone can looks like, I just can't help smile and feel super touched. He remembered what we shared as an fun exercise what's my favorite food and even found it himself!

The extraordinary Valentine's meal is cheese fondue, love rice, and bread pudding as dessert. Did I say Joe has the great potential to be a great cook? He proved himself that day! Though I am really not a cheese fan, the flavor of love rice and bread pudding are really really good. I am now thinking maybe I should ask for a homemade bread pudding as my birthday cake.

Grateful

Things to be grateful of...

1. I am not marrying to ex-bf, so I don't have the hassle and trouble of figuring out how to balance a traditional wedding because of his parents but insist on having a wedding that matches my belief.
--> big one to be thankful for.

2. Not bound to what lunar calendar says about what days to get married. --> Having a God who is greater than all the spiritual power saves lots of troubles.

3. I only have one side of the families to worry about regarding the wedding rituals. They are even super far away.

4. Friends to play with and form the wedding planning committee with.

Group project

I have always hated group project. Of course the main reason is that I have never had a good experience from it. And I have another group project now, and I am not enjoying it so far.

Hated the feeling of impatient and explosion, I want to find a way to affirm people and work with people that I don't agree with. However, it's hard. It also remind me that if I don't work on polishing my English more, it will bring me more and more problems working with other people.

Fairness is another issue that always kicks in. Why do I need to be the one who finds all the resource in Gottman's book just because I had read it? When I felt people are working on the wrong direction and refuse to listen or wake up, I get really really frustrated.

Anyway, I hate group project.

Love surpasses all rituals

我很想怪罪自己。是沒有念博士呢？還是因為沒有賺大錢？是不夠討人喜歡，還是本質就有問題？為什麼要一直哭，為什麼要一直受傷？為什麼不能開開心心？為什麼還是抓著很多不切實際的期望？為什麼卡在中間？為什麼不知道怎麼處理？為什麼不能沈穩的提出要求、點出問題？為什麼鬼打牆加情緒起伏超大？為什麼不能狠心？為什麼不能果斷？為什麼要有天真浪漫的幻想？為什麼不能更相信？

是不夠獨立？還是鍛鍊不夠？是界限不清不明？還是永遠跟著跳舞？

我要加入很相信的推銷團。Even though I joked about it's marketing for God, I truly want to choose that side and say, "God, here is all I have, it's so little, please help me. Please love me with no condition, please be happy for me, please take care of all the details for me, please handle this for me."

我很不會下決定，我很依賴別人的意見。我只是在找不到意見時就連unsafe people's 也聽了進去，然後就受傷了，然後就哭了。可是哭只會讓眼睛不舒服，沒有辦法解決問題，還是禱告比較好，因為比較有效。

馬丁路得日雜記

先招了，這篇雜記跟馬丁路得一點關係也沒有。

這兩天情緒又是大起伏。朋友問我，怎麼知道Joe很愛我？我想最強力的安定劑是他一個勁兒的要保護我，特別是在我自己都飛蛾撲火，不覺得是危機的時候。在那種當下，其實我很不諒解他，覺得他似乎很絕情。但是當我在一次潰堤，我才知道我得承認一部份的我還讓我的desire主宰著我，不肯相信既定的事實。

媽想要讓我知道她愛我，我一邊聽著卻同時全身細胞都覺得痛苦。很多時候很想把所謂的boundary全都丟了吧，怎麼那麼痛、怎麼那麼難？我看得到我想直接跳回去，跟著玩family dance，一起繼續manipulation, guilt 和indirect。因為大家都習慣，因為沒有刺，因為很簡單。

babe拿到第一個面試了！超讚！

Reminder-unasked advice

It didn't take long for me to receive another unasked advice from someone who had heard my prayer request in a group sharing setting. My radar wasn't on for a while. Only till later the awakening realization sunk in and I started feel intruded and unsafe. This has been the second time ever since I was exposed to the rule of "only focusing on yourself and do not offer advices, comments or suggestions if not being explicitly asked."

It is because of my personal experience that makes me understand deeply how hurtful and destructive unasked advice giving can be. I want to remind and encourage myself to be the safe person and don't resemble this mistake like others who may or may not be aware of this principle.