支持

我轉向支持的方向，大鳴大放的宣告我的愛、喜歡和感激。這像是一種慣性的反射動作，在刺到不安全的殼時，左右張望，--跳！

常常在腦裡響起"他恨我"這個聲音。最近的進步是我喊出了稱謂，一次。不知道有沒有人聽到，我的心可是撲通撲通的緊張得要命，這個難得的跨步。

往開朗的一邊想。我想著新家人要開心的來看我們，想著不敢坐飛機的奶奶竟然也要過來加州，畫笑臉記住大家的好。向後轉，這邊和預期不相符的反應，不可以多做解讀、庸人自擾，知嗎？

五月要緊鑼密鼓的來臨了。繃著等待著。這一個異地空間，我要把異變成熟悉，要勇敢堅強。

五月

五月就快到了。這一個月有很多很多以星期為單位的deadline。決定要輕鬆的面對，這樣才有機會享受"準備婚禮"的快樂面。又考掉了一個quiz，接下來有四五個報告等待，繼續一件一件做掉吧。

很開心可以繼續跟造型師Grace洽談。我終於是認清自己很不喜歡做決定這件事。這是我的弱點，也是我獨立這條路上要繼續加油的。所以mandy和mi大推薦，我就自然的決定大愛。接下去的工作有譜，感謝主。雖然錢又更少了一點，但是clippy說罩得住，我就可以接。對另一個我沒有經驗沒把握的工作，外人竟然又視我為至寶，真的是恩典。

今天約了兩個醫生門診。這將是我來美近五年來的第一次看診耶。很緊張。打電話都不知道要問什麼。希望醫生是好人，雖說已經挪出了health saving來付錢，還是心疼是錢阿。

今天好像一直都有點淡淡隱藏的開心。不是很清楚開心什麼。不過既然是開心，我就樂於現在朦朧裡吧。工作有進展、蜜月計畫有日期範圍、家人行程有新增細節、門診有著落。下一個來個...婚紗修改工程好了。喔喔，還有gift registry還沒搞定，星期四開會要來討論。

Chancellor Family Reunion

這是我第二次參加Chancellor家族的reunion了。我們交往的期間內，因為過夜需要定兩個房間不划算，除了去雙方的家庭，我們的出遊都只侷限在當天來回的範圍內。前後來了德州三次，這回，我的身分從女朋友，變成了婚期在即的未婚妻。

上一回去一個湖畔小屋，這一回相聚的地方是大伯Jim的媳婦Laura的叔公的木屋。座落在輻地廣闊的田野上。去的路程是滿山的hill, ranch,畜牧地。很大的木屋有兩層樓，落地寬敞讓我們塞20多人，每個人都有床可以睡。外面有河和湖。小孩子都很熱衷釣魚，我也終於有了我生平第一次的釣魚甩竿經驗。

因為去程先是原班機取消、換班機，後來houston機場因為storm關閉，我們的行程晚了九小時才到。當下我們決定先回Joe爸媽在Livingston 的新家，隔天一早再開六小時的車去reunion。新家真的是像個迷宮，房間、工作室、前廳、大客廳彼此相串。我們開玩笑需要一個地圖才搞得清楚我們在哪。外面的森林、庭院、車庫和工作室，彼此以前在Abeline真是迥然不同。很漂亮的房子。等他們全部整理好，下一年的reunion應該會更精彩吧。

感覺孩子們都更大了點。看到了當初一直為著禱告的小Dawson。很可愛完全不fussy的的小嬰兒。兩個嬸嬸好像都老了一點。驚訝的是瑪格力特奶奶的姪女竟然也一起來了。年齡相仿的她們，是好喜樂可愛的老人家。我們因為到得晚，其實只有一天和大家相處的時間。晚餐後，陪著孩子在玩遊戲，突然大家叫我們暫停，到客廳集合。

抬頭一看，有點傻住。大家把客廳小佈置了一番，桌上擺著cup cake排成的愛心，中間有兩張掛著緞帶的椅子，桌上佈滿禮物和卡片。我們被帶著就座，茱莉表姊說，這是大家給我們的小驚喜shower。為了不讓我們回家加州行李麻煩，大家準備了卡片和gift card。未來的公公Mike帶大家為我們禱告，大家圍著我們，讓我們拆卡片和小禮物。事後我們一個一個跟大家擁抱道謝。才知道這是完全瞞著Mike, Anna的驚喜，為著是不讓它穿幫。大家這麼有心的為我們祝福，心裡真的是很感動。

聽著大家討論來加州參加我們婚禮的計畫，我心裡想著，這就是我要嫁入的家庭了。很特別，和我很不一樣，但我很愛他們的喜樂和有神在當中的安定與正向。最後的大合照大家嬉鬧著這回我可以入鏡了。兩年前是女朋友時可是沒資格一起拍照的呢。

種族歧視的近距離接觸 Racism

這個quarter 拿了一門marriage and family therapy必修的cultural/ethic issues in marriage and family. 開學沒多久因為課程的調動，很快的就談到大概是這裡必談的種族歧視問題。我一向覺得對這個議題很冷感。過多的情緒和不理智讓我把這跟政治一樣歸類到沒必要不想淌渾水的區域。很令人意外的是，課堂上在看完一個racim group exercise的紀錄片後，整個班級一面倒的認為片中naive的白人果然是很養尊處優的優勢族群，好不容易才鬆口體會到弱勢族群的他，是處理這個議題的好模範。

說不想管種族歧視，不表示我沒有見識過。不知道是不是因為我的自我認定不是在這裡建構的，我沒有太大的欲望去澄清、去抗議、或是攻擊。但是看著影片裡張牙舞爪的黑人、落淚的墨西哥人、想被叫做中國人又要被當美國人華裔美國人，我很訝異這些minority族群呈現的無論是言論或行為，竟然都沒有引起任何一點的討論。

我天真的提出不一樣的論調，陳述在種族歧視大傘下的進步沒有被看見與讚美，另外在為種族歧視發聲時，應該可以有更深一層的自省與改變，馬上就有非裔美國同學發出不滿的意見。最後的演變是，我"應邀"在全班前面和非裔同學對話。我努力的reflect她的個人經歷、受苦經驗，搞得似乎我變成是否定種族歧視的天真傢伙。我覺得我的意見被忽略了。整個重點變成導向非裔真的還是suffer from racism。我的意見似乎穿不過牆去，停留在，「大家都攜帶非法毒品，為什麼只抓黑人」的詭異論點。說詭異是因為整個重心似乎變成大家來比誰可以犯法不被抓。怎麼沒有人想，來比誰可以不犯法？

和老師事後來來往往寫了一些email。最後給我的感覺是，這是我生平第一次覺得跟therapist說話很無趣。我聽不到她的意見，但是隱約解讀了一些不知道是否正確的潛在定見，感覺上我的意見還是對她們來講不make sense吧。也罷。不想要耗費我的一生在美國的種族歧視上。這樣子來說，我是不是其實對這件事還有負面情緒阿？

把我的論點留作紀念。

While we address existing racism, we should also actively work on eliminating bad stereotypes by doing constructive and good behaviors ourselves.

It seemed to me that no one heard what I wanted to say because statements like this quickly provoke defenses from minority groups, so my main point bounces off a wall and is not heard.

A question I want to raise related to that is ... in this country, is there still any way to address a mere fact when the fact is about negative situation with a minority group without it being labeled as racism? From my experience here in the U.S., I haven't seen any so far.

African Americans in the States had an extremely difficult time during slavery. While the situation has improved a bit (at least no black slaves now), there is still racism today, not merely between black and white, but ANY two different ethnic groups.

We should keep a dialogue going and learn how to prevent us from falling into racism either intentionally or unintentionally. But at the same time, be responsible for our own behaviors and not blame whites for everything.

Do white people cause black people to be racist? No. Why? Because people outside of this county struggle with racism too. I could list a number of examples. In my country, for example, there is tension between ethnic groups, and not a white person to blame in sight. Is racism merely an issue of differing skin color? No. Look at tension between groups outside the U.S. (Rwanda, Pakistan/India) that are all from the same "race" but have other factors that distinguish them.

While African American voice the DWB racism problem, isn't it still fact that the African Americans who are stopped were actually carrying illegal stuff? Is it the goal in the U.S. to compete with who can get away with committing a crime? Why not set a goal to "let us be the first generation who commits no crime even if we suffer from DWB?" Won't there be a time when people start to realize, African Americans no longer carry drugs even though we have a tendency to wrongly assume they do?

Tiffany shared with me that a lack of educational resources cause African Americans to retreat to drugs. So until the educational resource problem gets solved (which is proof of racism) nothing can be achieved. I feel sad to hear this because I really believe there is more things people can do to improve their situation while addressing racism at the same time.

Taiwan is not a country where education resources are equally distributed either. However, lots of people strive for education achievement because that seems to be the only way they can change the lives of their families. And our education is NOT free. We have racism between people who came to Taiwan at different times (besides the native Taiwanese), Educational deprivation, unfair arrests by police, murders, you name it--we've had it too. They also speak different languages, also, which ,like skin color, is an obvious sign of who's "in" the group and who's "out".

Just to throw out an idea to brainstorm: Don't African Americans get free education till high school like white people do here? Is there any force keeping them from finishing a high school education? From my own school application experience in the U.S., I know minorities (except Asians) have an advantage of getting into big-name schools. (Asians are actively discriminated AGAINST because their scores are too high). Do African Americans make good use of that advantage?

My goal is not to use Taiwan as the ultimate counter-argument to say what African Americans fail to do. On the contrary, I want to encourage minority groups to work harder than the majority group. At the end, we are responsible for our life, not anyone else.

Mom Visit -V

Mom went home last Saturday night. Actually, when Mom went to stay with aunt for the last time of this trip, I started getting tearful super easily. Having dinner that Mom prepared and saved for me, looking around the kitchen when seeing tiny little things that Mom has mentioned about... All and all, it seems like I am preparing myself for the departure a week ahead.

I canceled small group three weeks in a roll because I can not leave mom and go have the group meeting. I am not sure if Mom's visit this time changed anything inside of me. It surely was not easy. Not for me, and probably not for Joe especially.

Mom has been busy trying to get stuff for me. She said I need toaster oven, we went and bought one. She said I need a new set of bedding. They went and bought me one. On one hand, she worries she's adding me stuff and will make my future move harder, on the other hand, she probably thinks I should get what I need. Getting married probably also comes with have a model of home set up.

I seem to understand more of her dilemma; that she wants good for me but at the same time she's hurting and sad that I am choosing to stay here. The last day, we were just quiet for most of the time. I kept telling myself that I need to tell her my appreciation. If I want to ask her to be direct and honest, I need to do that too. It was hard and I can only spoke out, "thank you for coming here to see me." She said, o.k.. Then I started to cry. Mom said that I need to learn to be courageous and do not cry that often. She went into bathroom and we heard the sound of blowing nose. Joe said, your mom is crying too. That makes me even sadder.

All of a sudden, I found that Mom's aging. She is qualified as senior now. And that probably means I am qualified as an adult too. Why do I feel I am not like an adult? What am I lacking? dream, job, courage, maturity, responsibility or what?

I am probably experiencing the biggest loss ever since I came to the States. I started to feel jealous of my sister that she can be at home and provide the tedious care to Mom and Dad. I called and talked with Mom to make sure she's home safe and sound. Of course, she gave me a list of things that she wants me to watch out for: drive slowly, do not eat when you drive, add clothes when you get up, sleep more and do not stay up late, eat well and balanced, change your temper and anger problem....This time I did not argue with her at all. I felt I want to hear one more time her showing her love in her way. No matter what textbook says about dysfunctional family or culture problems. I found that was familiar and wanted. Although the soft heart feeling worn out after the minute-long reminders. She asked me if I greeted dad when he answered the phone. I said of course, and feel convicted inside of me. Dad's voice still has the effect of making me cry immediately without much information given.

Anyway. Back to normal life. No matter I want it or not, this is where my life is now.

Fuller 3rd quarter

My biggest whining is that I don't identify myself as a student. To feel like a student, I labeled my experience when I was at Pitt to be the real "international student" feeling. Not sure what has been different since then even though I probably can name several changes in my life.

Psychology seems to be an odd group in either society or academic setting. I wonder and am curious why Jack would comment that integration between faith and psychology is Fuller's strength. Will next fall be a different setting since I will meet my own cohort? This year's students are not that impressive than several 2-yr students I have met.

I forgot to rate 2 professors from last quarter. Bummer. Do I become more opinionated or that was just who I am and I am expressing it because I am able to talk more?

Kinda like two professors out of three so far in this quarter. The majority of the coursework will be centered around the Bible too. I am again a seminary student?! Ha. After a year, I should be better than me a year ago who ended up tearing about my first theology class.