Mom Visit -V

Mom went home last Saturday night. Actually, when Mom went to stay with aunt for the last time of this trip, I started getting tearful super easily. Having dinner that Mom prepared and saved for me, looking around the kitchen when seeing tiny little things that Mom has mentioned about... All and all, it seems like I am preparing myself for the departure a week ahead.

I canceled small group three weeks in a roll because I can not leave mom and go have the group meeting. I am not sure if Mom's visit this time changed anything inside of me. It surely was not easy. Not for me, and probably not for Joe especially.

Mom has been busy trying to get stuff for me. She said I need toaster oven, we went and bought one. She said I need a new set of bedding. They went and bought me one. On one hand, she worries she's adding me stuff and will make my future move harder, on the other hand, she probably thinks I should get what I need. Getting married probably also comes with have a model of home set up.

I seem to understand more of her dilemma; that she wants good for me but at the same time she's hurting and sad that I am choosing to stay here. The last day, we were just quiet for most of the time. I kept telling myself that I need to tell her my appreciation. If I want to ask her to be direct and honest, I need to do that too. It was hard and I can only spoke out, "thank you for coming here to see me." She said, o.k.. Then I started to cry. Mom said that I need to learn to be courageous and do not cry that often. She went into bathroom and we heard the sound of blowing nose. Joe said, your mom is crying too. That makes me even sadder.

All of a sudden, I found that Mom's aging. She is qualified as senior now. And that probably means I am qualified as an adult too. Why do I feel I am not like an adult? What am I lacking? dream, job, courage, maturity, responsibility or what?

I am probably experiencing the biggest loss ever since I came to the States. I started to feel jealous of my sister that she can be at home and provide the tedious care to Mom and Dad. I called and talked with Mom to make sure she's home safe and sound. Of course, she gave me a list of things that she wants me to watch out for: drive slowly, do not eat when you drive, add clothes when you get up, sleep more and do not stay up late, eat well and balanced, change your temper and anger problem....This time I did not argue with her at all. I felt I want to hear one more time her showing her love in her way. No matter what textbook says about dysfunctional family or culture problems. I found that was familiar and wanted. Although the soft heart feeling worn out after the minute-long reminders. She asked me if I greeted dad when he answered the phone. I said of course, and feel convicted inside of me. Dad's voice still has the effect of making me cry immediately without much information given.

Anyway. Back to normal life. No matter I want it or not, this is where my life is now.