God loves me dearly

I heard this from message.

Sympathy says, I am sorry you hurt.
Empathy says, I hurt when you hurt.
Compassion says, I will do anything I can to stop your hurt.

Jesus was always full of compassion. He will do anything he can to stop my hurt, even dying on the cross.
Therefore, I know when I cry and hurt, Jesus didn't push me away or blame my selfishness, emotions, interpretation and sensitivity. My tears don't disgust him. He will do anything to stop my hurt.

He loves me.

Fight

又是一次吵架。很不舒服的感覺想是必然，連回頭看和回頭想都很傷。
以前的習慣真的醞釀很久吧。不夠獨立、常常想要找背後的支持雙手，結果好像都很糟糕很淒慘。
在CR承認，以前的傷、以前的驕縱、以前的寵愛，都不見得是好事，
但我覺得軟弱得辦不到所謂的對與成熟。

還是一直停在要有人心疼眼淚的一廂情願。當眼淚引來更多的責備和糾正，我的心都碎了。躲在被子裡大哭，聽到的只是你自己有能力離開這樣的情緒，這不是我造成的，你有過多的期望，沒有人有義務滿足你。

真的嗎？獨立成熟負責任，就表示一切呵護輕哄捧在手心都不能有嗎？
就算做完一生大小事inventory，看到問題，卻也不是給你free-pass可以得到治療或加倍照顧，
這樣子想覺得好殘忍、好冷漠。

Sponsor說你要的都只能上帝給。嘆。

Another fight again. Undoubtedly feels bad, even thinking retrospect hurts as well.
Maybe my old habits were really being planted for a long time. Now whenever I am not independent enough, want to find the hands which support me at the back, the result is always super terrible and miserable.
Admitted in CR that those spoiling, hurts, and willfulness probably were not good. However, at the same time, I also feel too weak to do the right and mature way.

Keep staying at my own dream of having someone heartaches my tears. When tears actually bring back more blaming and correctness, I literally hears my heart break. Cry and hiding inside of comforter, hearing "you have the ability to leave this emotions by yourself", "I didn't cause that", "you have too much expectations", "no one has the obligation to satisfy you".

Is it real that independence, maturity and being responsible means all coax, love dearly, comfort, slightly sweet talk and being treasured on the palm never going to be possible?

Even if I already finished the life inventory, see the problem, hurt and vulnerability, it doesn't grant you a free pass to get treatment or special care.
Seeing that this way, it seems so cruel.

Sponsor said, all that you want can only from God.
Sigh.

Empathy

其實我不記得是Empathy或是Sympathy了。
大概是Empathy吧，所謂的同理，真正體會別人的處境。
覺得自己好像有點喪失了，失去想要細細鑽就別人感覺的熱情，
變得只想大筆一揮，宣判，然後給五分鐘的解藥。

很明顯，這行不通。

這是我上周做諮商後很深刻的自省。我好像變成急於評論給意見，心裡想著"你自己也說要問我意見的阿"
可是之後我卻覺得我常常講著，事情不會一夜之間改變，人們需要被了解傾聽、被鼓勵才能繼續改變成長，我卻好像沒有這樣做。

不能怪罪啾豆給我的各樣薰陶或是影響。不諱言他是一個思路清晰，博學多聞、知曉很多道理的高手，但是我學習跟他討論不同議題，學習有信心的批判思考，卻不同等於遺落面對真實的人的同理心阿。

星期二又要來了，加油。

I don't quite remember was it "empathy" or "sympathy". To think and feel in others' point of view. Put myself in others' shoes. Noticing that I seem to lose the passion of experiencing, figuring out other's feelings under their words and behaviors. I become quickly to conclude, judge and give out the quick fix.

Apparently, it doesn't work.

After last Tuesday's counseling session, I felt I became rushing into conclusion, thinking "you were the one who came in ask for suggestion." However, it is actually the opposite of what I used to say, things won't change over one night; people need to be heard and understood. After being encouraged, then they will start to change and grow.

I can't blame the influence and training from Joe. No doubt that he is a great person with clear mind and abundant knowledge. I learn to discuss different issues with him, learn to do analytical thinking. However, I should be aware of not to lose the compassion when facing a real person.

Go and be alert! Here comes another Tuesday.

Internship

昨天一連收到三個contacts，願意跟我談談internship的事。我興奮的跟陵說。她笑笑評論David的獵人頭公司contact果然很驚人，不過其實這三個都不是head hunter找來的呢，可是我自己從我的contacts裡，不斷寄信連絡找來的喔！興奮了一會兒，想著晚上要好好禱告再繼續跟他們聯繫。

今天又在鼻涕和痰的擁護下醒來，很不情願的繼續灌一大杯水，撥了電話給啾豆，跑到Aliso Viejo，就準備電話連絡工作的事了。一下子是來回的確定時間，和HR director談，再跟另一個CEO談。大家都不意外的問我現在在念什麼，說實在覺得自己丟出seminary一詞時好酷！大致的了解狀況，星期一可能就要跟人家確定細節了，超級興奮的跟啾豆報告，"I am so proud of you",他說。

啾豆說Kyle已經開始做第一個C# build了。"我也不要輸人哪！"心裡吶喊著。

There were three emails waiting in my inbox yesterday about the internship. Telling Lynn excitedly last night, she commented the head hunter David mentioned about is really powerful! Well, however, those three are not from head hunter. I went through several contacts I had and surprisingly got those replies! Anyway, I was so excited thinking prayer is definitely needed before I contact them for further details.

Again, waking up with clusters and snots. After a big cup of hot water, I called Joe and went to Aliso Viejo for the phone calls and studies. Emails back and forward, I finally talked to the HR director and CEO of 2 different places. They both asked me about the school now I attend. Seminary was definitely a cool answer to make them stunned! Pretty Cool, uh? It looks like some details can be confirmed on Monday. Excitedly telling Joe, "I am so proud of you", he said.

Kyle already started his first build of C#. I don't want to left behind!

葡萄

五小時的打工結束剩下的只有疲憊。在5號上塞車塞了很久，滿腦子只想著"我得撐著精神不能打瞌睡！"
適逢週三是Henry's Farmer Market Double Sale日，電話裡他貼心的說要和我會合，陪我一起去。

晃了一圈，只是要囤點特價的蔬果。瞥見葡萄在打折；兩磅五塊錢！我忍不住走了過去。

好累又肚子正餓，加上想著大概半年沒吃葡萄了。這樣一來一回的動著念頭，似乎加深了想要購買的衝動。
挑了一會青葡萄，隨手一秤，兩磅正好五塊。我為難的看著他，說"好貴，對不對？"

自從陵推薦Henry's是買蔬果的好地方，我一向都自豪的可以在這裡買到好deal，低價安全退場。更常有一毛多就買到一大帶新鮮蔬果的輝煌記錄。他聽完我的低聲咕儂，說

"都可以，take whatever you want!"

我開心的挑了一小包三塊多的紅無子葡萄。作為是今晚奢侈的享受！
在努力賺錢省錢的這陣子，他抓住機會就寵我讓我買想要的食物，是今天再一次要記得的暖暖感動。


Traffic on Freeway 5 somehow was pretty bad this afternoon. Maybe it was because of the rain, maybe it was just the traffic load causing jam. I was tired driving due to the work today. Switching between CDs and radio, I kept reminding myself "be alert! Don't fall asleep!"

Wednesday is Henry's Weekly Double Sale Day. In the phone, Joe said he would meet and go with me. Broccoli and carrot are on sale, so does grapes! 2lbs for $5! I looked at him hesitantly. Randomly picking one bag, surprisingly it shows 2lbs on the meter. "well, it's expensive, right?" saying slightly, I thought this is still too expensive for me. With some price discussion conversation, he then said, "it's o.k. You can buy whatever you want!" "Really?!" Feeling pampered, I picked red seedless grapes and knew that this is another day to cherish his treasuring me.

精神

從foothill ranch回來，
整個人瞬間的清醒起來。

細嚼著數分鐘前的昏睡、情緒化、壓力及舊傷，
雖然一切都是寂靜無聲的在心裡上演，
還是很為一個人可以有那麼細緻的心思變換感到驚訝。

讀著Boundaries，常常感嘆這真不是一件輕鬆的工作。
有太多太多地方可以聯想到自己的原生家庭。
情感上的先天天賦異秉的充沛，加上後天的不足灌溉，
每次看到一個坑洞、一個疼痛，雖然有點悶苦，
卻也很感激現在活在一個那麼安全的地方。

著手想要開始寫幾篇很真實的文章。
一些大家通常覺得沒有絕對答案的議題。
我好像本來就不擅長論述，總是有點惶恐要攤牌說這是我的想法，
另一個挫折是，連一般的文章我都已經下筆不成章，還有文思枯竭的危機，
四小時的掙扎讓我錯愕得緊。

回過頭看，其實也不是那麼沒有道理，
總是需要練習才能保持筆鋒銳利。
改變世界是超級遠大的夢，
想想都覺得餒志。
不過就從現在做的小事開始吧，
把我的client顧好...
努力把書啃好，
希望英文真的越來越精進。

Infidelity

When did people start adopting infidelity as normal and lose the confidence in commitment of love?