How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)

How to Resolve Conflict with Your Spouse (Part 1)
by Rick Warren


You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James 4:2 (NIV)

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Sometimes the biggest conflicts in marriage are over the most trivial issues. One of the silliest fights Kay and I ever had was over bath soap.

If you’re going to pull together when you’re pulled apart, you have to:

Call on God for help. Pray about it. Before you go to your spouse about the problem, discuss it with God. This may solve the problem right there. Practice what I call “ventilating vertically.” Many of you are very good at ventilating horizontally, but ventilating vertically is when you come to God and say, “Here’s how I feel,” and you just lay it out.

James 4:2 teaches, “You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (NIV). Conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs that only God himself can meet in our lives.

Confess your part of the conflict. Before I start attacking and blaming, I need to do a frank evaluation and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault? I need to do an honest checkup and admit my part. When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!

Be honest. Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck in another’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? … First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly” (GNT).

I need to ask, “Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful?”

Tomorrow we’ll look at two more steps to resolving conflict with your spouse.


© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

Comfort

I want you comfort me.
Emails are said with watery eyes. *pathetic*

Class. to learn theories or self

What's interesting is that the issues we talk about in "Marriage and Interpersonal relationship" totally applies to me in my current life. I am stuck in the trauma and pattern from the past. The trauma tells my brain, "Wake up! This is the most important thing in the world!" Other things around in my life just dim. Very true. I haven't had a chance to see if my reaction actually imitates any family member's conditioned reaction in this kind of situation. Um..in that sense, the class is actually refreshing and giving me a chance to jump out of the circle and look at things objectively.

A bit clueless about my own status. Feel want to change or even just say a spell. Lord, help me move my stiff leg when it's ready. Help me even be able to feel the stiff and realize this is not something to hide, but to give a good hot massage to relieve.

無措

這詞好像出現好多好多次了。到底可以出現幾次阿。非常嚴重。很怕別人很討厭我，所以小心翼翼的，像要找出答案，然後最好可以改變事實。很怕。很怕很怕。很想要什麼都不見。覺得很難，覺得自己又進了死胡同。來個人幫我理清路線吧，讓我可以知道怎麼走。

是要先有放心，還是要先有勇氣。勇氣會帶出放心嗎？不確定。鴕鳥覺得把抽屜關起來，看不見外面就是安全了。心裡也配合的覺得安全。想要放心，只是因為撐不住情緒嗎？想要放心，是軟弱還是自私？

還是，關起來吧。關。

Another reflection

Wondering if I am having that prejudice against you. Like Cameron said in the class: if so, we then will look for all the evidence to proof what we've already believed.

Maybe, I feel I am not qualified anymore. Before he rejects me, I want to go ahead and cut it off. Coward. I am.

Maybe, people can't afford not love. I don't act like I believe. I probably need to go back to the sermon about why you still try to love after being failed or disappointed.

I am paranoid thinking people don't like me. doh.

Must be

The quiz must end perfectly.
I must be great.
There is no reason I should fail or not pass perfectly.
*Therefore I tense*

[It's ok.] ok even if I don't score perfectly?
[Ok if you don't score perfectly.]
[You are perfect in my eyes. I know who you are and how much intelligence you have. Those scores won't change that.] What about the scholarship?
[Same. Won't change a single bit. ok?]

Must be.
I feel I must proof that I am smart and intelligent. I must be great because I want the eyes respect me.
If.
If the wings behind me still support me like they did before. Where's the wing?

Focus on one thing. I am learning to be like guys--that I can close one drawer up and open another one.

Santa Ana wind

The wind plus flying rocks and sands make my feet crack BADLY. Poor monkie. It hurts. I need shoes but I don't have them with me now. I only have sandals. The wind blows again. Guess tomorrow morning will be another crazy windy morning again. This is another little thing that I want to cry for 撒嬌。It's just sad that I don't know what to do.

Am I make history pretty, or simply not realistic?

Does anyone really accept me as who I am?

Bad wind

anger behind apology

When his joyful sound transmitted through the phone, my tears start dropping.

Not sure what was the hidden reason, however, I feel apology was used against my personhood...from my childhood. I have the same feeling when he got angry in the fight. It seems that apology is the only way to get me out of the storm. After the apology, quarrel dies down, and I feel I have been discounted and disparaged again.

I wonder if I am not ready for relationships yet. I still want the gentle voice coax me. I see myself nodding heads like little girl listening to loving adult. I can't. I somehow just can't function well in this.

If it looks like apology is forced to apply in the situation, then the heart breaks and hurts even more terribly. I did feel from what I learned and what we discussed on class, those are the things that he deserves. So, maybe problem is me. Maybe no one is ready to help me yet.

I hate the "sit-down-and-apologize-otherwise-I-will-yell-till-you-surrender" scene. The more irritating one is after the apology has done, then people disappeared. I feel they finally get what they want from me. So I am left, unloved.

I want to learn to protect myself from anger. However, that may not be something that I can achieve overnight. The motive of doing that is worthy questioned too. If that is a simple truth that I am afraid or maybe conditioned to something, insisting removing that seems like denying. I should learn the real reality of anger. However, being sensitive is not my fault, isn't it?

I hate it. I can't. sigh.

第一個小考

第一個小考要來了。是統計。

應該不那麼嚇人的，只是我很想要很完美的通過，硬是想要逼自己把十四章內容一次解決。一直以為是23號之後的星期才考試，沒想到是之前。我的申請文章又還沒寫好，還加上在跟男朋友吵架。這個timing實在太好了。嘆。

photoshop好難玩，還好有光碟，改天來看看好了。趕快這禮拜通通寫完做玩。

有自己要獨立的感覺。又是一遍。只是這次不像四年前，電腦前一直都有人陪。

風“塵“僕僕

據說是因為Santa Ana 焚風的關係，這兩天橘郡的風速都高到不像話。


稍早去朋友家拿遺忘的物品。路上隨處都像是打電動必須狂閃障礙物的挑戰！我大概碾過四陀樹叢斷枝，還有一大叢是直接撞上車前引擎蓋，直接卡在上面大概有半哩距離之久。「可以待在車內真好」，心裡如此想著。

早上差十秒鐘錯過了一班火車，接下來等著我的是一個小時在狂風裡等待的大漠風沙經歷。三層樓高的燈柱搖晃著，四層樓高的樹木也翩翩點頭呼應。我的隱形眼鏡在風中痛苦的掙扎著，連穿著拖鞋的腳都有快被飛沙刺穿的痛楚。躲到電梯裡十幾分鐘，紛雜的情緒也實在靜不下來唸書或是做其他的事。風原來也可以這麼驚人阿。

好不容易上了Amtrack，發現我放在brown bag裡的可樂竟然已經變形。過程中它可是沒有摔到耶，可怕的風沙也可以這麼有威力！頭髮裡、衣褲上，連我的隨身包包裡都是塵沙。一張濕紙巾的測試結果是細細小小的棕黑色星雲圖。

呼！大風好可怕。還好pasadena沒有大風。

白菜瘦肉粥

今天清早在張羅好nikkie的早餐後，我開始煮起了在心裡盤算兩天的白菜瘦肉粥。基本上，所謂的盤算只是：在寄居別人屋簷下，有半顆白菜和冷凍豬絞肉的情況下，可以煮什麼讓我可以不用花半毛錢。記取之前讀食譜學來的煮粥訣竅，（大概是水一開始要加多，小火慢燉，而非我之前的開蓋煮又狂加水），白菜切絲、豬肉記得加熱水再下鍋。鹽、胡椒、一點garlic powder和basil，賣相不錯！

應該不錯吧！Nikkie也在一旁看得津津有味。來到學校加熱後才發現不是這麼一回事！

水分又被稀飯吸得剩下寥寥無幾。鹹鴨蛋放在裡面不大對味。我明明記得以前在南陽街買的瘦肉粥是可以加五塊多半力鹹蛋的阿。腦袋裡浮起參有薑絲的粥....等等！該不會是雞肉粥吧？！

總之，這個粥不夠成功。星期五午餐和今晚的晚餐都還是它...哎。

To love at all is to be vulnerable...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
---C.S. Lewis

October life update

There are so many things that I haven't updated to my support network. Almost felt like I have "vaporized"/disappeared from the earth for a long time.

Moved out from the brothel. Negotiated the money. 40 days of love. Lisa's white house. Lisa's friend's daughters. Commute. School starts. Endless reading. Commute. 2 hours commute. Fight. Reconciliation. Huggy teddy bear. Move. Nikkie's owner's house. School....

I have made myself really tensed the past week. My eyes were only focusing on the textbooks when I am on the trains. The feeling I have now is probably "flexibility fatigue". Throughout the whole weekend, I didn't touch my textbooks except the reading aloud time in the car to Malibu.

I have thought about Joe's life when he was in school. Guessing he knows what is the goal, therefore he could balance his life well while lots of tasks going on. I, on the other hand, feel unbalanced. Work, commute, school, feels super clueless. I need to rethink about my goal and remind myself a bit more often. Job is not my goal. Making flyers, maintaining website, hosting employers...these are not important at all. To get good grades at class doesn't need to stress me out either. Yep, scholarship will be nice, but not to a degree that I couldn't even fit the spiritual growth process in. (yep, I can hardly read 40 days of love. Feel so disconnected with church family.) Wednesday is the day to go to church, if I want to....recommendation letters....who is the fourth person?

Feel I am a bit insecure recently. Not sure what really triggers it. Monthly cycle? or move? School? or job?

Another funny thing was after confronting a friend on her blog, the blog has been closed since then! The bizarre thing was I felt I made a point to point out her good work before presenting different ideas. It's probably always a mystery how others interpret our words and behaviors.