anger behind apology

When his joyful sound transmitted through the phone, my tears start dropping.

Not sure what was the hidden reason, however, I feel apology was used against my personhood...from my childhood. I have the same feeling when he got angry in the fight. It seems that apology is the only way to get me out of the storm. After the apology, quarrel dies down, and I feel I have been discounted and disparaged again.

I wonder if I am not ready for relationships yet. I still want the gentle voice coax me. I see myself nodding heads like little girl listening to loving adult. I can't. I somehow just can't function well in this.

If it looks like apology is forced to apply in the situation, then the heart breaks and hurts even more terribly. I did feel from what I learned and what we discussed on class, those are the things that he deserves. So, maybe problem is me. Maybe no one is ready to help me yet.

I hate the "sit-down-and-apologize-otherwise-I-will-yell-till-you-surrender" scene. The more irritating one is after the apology has done, then people disappeared. I feel they finally get what they want from me. So I am left, unloved.

I want to learn to protect myself from anger. However, that may not be something that I can achieve overnight. The motive of doing that is worthy questioned too. If that is a simple truth that I am afraid or maybe conditioned to something, insisting removing that seems like denying. I should learn the real reality of anger. However, being sensitive is not my fault, isn't it?

I hate it. I can't. sigh.