Plan about Fuller

Fuller asks really high financial support proof to get accepted into school. The fact didn't sadden me too bad, pretty much just..."well, bummer! plan A doesn't work out." God probably just plans that in a different way than my idea. I did mumble for a while thinking "Following calling can be really costly..." =.=

So, later, I will be like most of the independent Caucasians here having loans from education. That brings a little fear and unfamiliarity. However, life is life- the one I am exploring, the one I know I will totally take full responsibility for all decisions and accept consequences.

Not sure how the final plan will work out. I feel I want to have budget for rings. Then I will feel better making decisions. :)

*Mansion, my mansion.....The mansion next to Rick's...* --Refocus--

Current me

Though have spending some time reading information about addiction and family of origin, I think I still somewhat stay in the denial that my family can still be happily existing in my world. Maybe that is one of the reasons that I keep feeling panic and anxious about the coming trip. I still imagine how disappointed my mom will be if she learns about my real plan and I take that feelings over to be mine. I then hurt for her, and I feel bad about me being the "bad person" who hurts her. Maybe I don't really emphasized with dad much. However, maybe there is still little tiny part in me longing for the princess treatment-mainly being treasured by dad. Thus, I still expect, and disappoint over and over again.

To me, it is cruel that I go back without informing my family. Guess I can't really deny that telling them probably will only bring humiliation, retaliation and attacks. But, it's cruel, still. Part of me even think that I won't be totally happy by myself just like what I used to be-- I want someone taking me around.

Planned a bit my shopping route. Thinking I want to walk through every floors of the various department stores. Planning that I want to walk through every single street in the little tiny Hsinchu city. But, what will that look like? when no one that I was familiar from the past can be with me...

After talking to Ingrid, I get even more clear picture what an American dream our parents may have. Or to say, the "success" dream. I think I have processed the information better; that is not what I want. Even though the financial future looks glorious, I am fine taking Linda's experience that it doesn't bring you satisfaction if the plan is not aligned with God. I am happy that it seems like I don't need to spend years after climbing to the climax and then have the same regret Linda has. Moreover, "smelling" Ingrid's not-presenting problems makes me even alerted more. --> That is what I don't want to get myself into.

Shopping with honey is always a "pampering" time for me. As I say, I probably will not reach a point that I can make more money than him this life. However, noticing that I am always told I can get whatever I want makes me feel really grateful and "blissful". I forgot to check what was the total price he paid last night at Henry's. I only know that the extra amount of money compared to what I usually pay for my grocery is one of his "indulgence" behaviors toward me.

Really glad that I found a man who doesn't evaluate my worth based on how much money my job can bring home!

English and Monkie II

Getting on the flight flying to the States, the country that I have dreamed about studying abroad, assures me that God did kinda bless me with that. Though my undergraduate GPA is not anyway considered as great, GRE not so good (b/c 800 in math is really not unusual in Asia), TOEFL merely met the requirement, I had the idea that it's ok that I don't know what I want to do and study about, as long as I can try my dream, it will all be worth it!

After the confidence built from college, I somehow knew I wasn't too bad regarding oral English skills. However, there were lots of shocking frustration when coming to the States in 2004-- talking to cashier! Every little thing was new to me. I didn't know what to call a "check"; I couldn't read the menu (who know what a western sunshine is.... and before finishing glancing the menu description, the waiter had already waiting for you...!!) ; I didn't expect in fast food restaurants, cashiers would ask you about meat preference, fries preference; I had no idea what to answer when being asked about salad dressings! (and it didn't help that he mumbled one round with all the options for me) Looking at all the Taiwanese students who were years ahead of me looking confidently speaking English (or ignoring some part of conversation), I wasn't comforted that everything would be alright. Besides, I had huge "culture shock"/ adjustment problem at the first couple days in the States. Mimi's comment for me later was, I looked like a little horrified helpless animal.

I immediately dropped my first class after having no idea what the teacher was talking about for 3 hours. However, 3 classes/ 9 units was still minimum for international student, I soon gave up my ambition of participating in research with professors because of the indifference professors showed and the fear of not competent in English.

Church was a great help for me at that time. Though I am not confident enough about myself, I can tell almost all Taiwanese students didn't talk to teachers when they had questions or hang out with non-Chinese speakers. PRISM, the Meyers family, and the Hanns family were my castles in my "studying abroad" fairy tale. They are all great Christians, who made me feel connected like families, and they all are friendly to international students either because their past mission experience or current ministry. I even had met Ronn Hann, being his personal tour guide when he visited Taiwan. Enjoying the friendliness and ignoring the awkwardness were my ways to help me keep spending time with them. Thanksgiving, Christmas vacations I didn't go travel with Taiwanese friends but stayed in American family for days. It surely was fun, but it was also draining and scary in certain extents. I remembered I would always try not to be alone with the Grandpa in Meyers family because he loved to joke and I couldn't understand his jokes. The easiest and maybe most encouraging time were playing with toddlers and babies! ha! But don't get me wrong, both families were super great to me. And, I did see that having American families to hang out with was really unusual for international students. Lots of friends even having been in the States for couple years may still have no close interaction with Americans.

After the first year adjustment period, I finally switch church to American church instead of Chinese church. Before that, I sometime went to Bellefield presbyterian church when I want to meet with Meyers family or simply slept late on Sundays. Go to services in American church means at the beginning only worship time means something to me-- it was super difficult to catch the whole sermon the pastor preached about. I somehow really wanted to be involved in the English environment plus having a real church relationship there. Therefore, I contacted the youth minister through other people and finally got into a small group where everyone is American there. (Remember, at that time, if I could choose, I definitely prefer email contact information over phone number. Mitch, the youth minister, later wanted to meet me in Panera made me nervous a lot then! )

I spent the whole next year participating in the small group. That was a great small group that I truly think God prepared for me. Starry was the leader who's a pretty, smart Caucasian. She's a pastor's daughter and she had lived in Taiwan when she was little for several years! Amy was ABC who is really friendly to me. Later Karen W. joined small group too. Among three of them, Starry's Chinese was the best! Having 2 Asian-looking people there ease my nervousness a lot. I still remembered I was always afraid the chatting time before our lesson every Wednesday night. If we were merely reading/ discussing the Bible, I would at least have the Bible to look at in order not to get lost. (and quickly check the Chinese version to understand what the main context of the passage is about) However, the chit-chat was hard, especially when someone told a joke and everybody laughed!....except me, because I totally didn't catch not only the meaning but also the words at all. I have been super grateful that they were extremely patient and friendly with me. It took me a semester before I volunteered sharing my ideas among the discussion. By the time I graduated from U Pitt, the whole small group came to my graduation commencement to celebrate for me! I was so thrilled that they would do that for me! That was a really great memory chapter in my life!

Moving to California was my next move! Having the "unpleasant" Chinese church experience and nice American church experience, it didn't take me lots of effort to decide I would like to find a nice American church here. One friend happened to take me to visit Saddleback church on the first Sunday after I flew here. And then, it becomes my home church.

Staying in aunt's place doesn't really help with my English, however, getting involved in church helps greatly! Before deciding taking the membership class, I also attended another American church close to Covina and joined one of the small group there. With the practice in pittsburgh, interacting with people in English didn't scare me that much anymore. And it also makes exploring church in "English" environment bearable and fun on the top of the stress of job searching. I caught chance to getting more involved in Saddleback after a ministry fair, and started my working with Americans in English life stage. There were still awkwardness when I couldn't understand what the musician told me but I was the only one who controls the soundboard. I went to career ministry faithfully once a week for couple months by myself and made friends there. Accepting the request of being the soundman in Tuesday morning's Foundation class even if that means I need to drove down here at 6am in the morning. Going to small group, contacting orchestra people to get information about learning cello, joining gospel choir and went through the stage that people were different from me in life stages. I also remembered at the beginning that because I didn't know the music term in English so I couldn't catch what the conductor was trying to say. Thankfully that God has gave me music talents to catch up by myself and singing in the choir for whole year helped me pronounced words faster because of the requirement of some tempo.

Then I made another huge scary decision which is going to the counseling ministry. Just to answer your concern if you have-- yes, I did feel it is probably impossible that I can be a counselor who needs to work by talking to people in English. I still went to the class thinking that would be their problem of deciding if I am good enough to be a counselor, and I only need to catch every opportunity that is available in front of me. Again, I didn't catch all the class contents at the beginning. However, after 8 months, I can understand Bob more and more. I even get used to his way of talking and joking.

There has been another help in my life that contributes to my English growth a lot-- my super awesome bf. He has been really patient with me, correcting my mistakes, answering my questions and encouraging me all the time pointing out my improvements and growth to me. We still laugh that when we first started dating, I would get really nervous calling him on the phone. I would want to plan how to start, how to end. And if possible, I wanted to write instead of talk because that was still easier for me then. Having a Caucasian bf surely helps greatly in my English however there has been great challenges too. We need to talk about all the intentions, implications honestly up front, give up the guessing game or dancing pattern. We made the choice of working on communication (maybe for the rest of our lives) and always believed each other has the best intention if any doubt in language confusions. He is the sun in my life not only helping me with my English but also lots of areas in my life. However, I will need to write another article about that because they will definitely be out of topic.

I just finished my first year of seminary training getting As in most of my social science courses. (even better than my American classmates) I have been the lay counselor at church starting last fall. I can now call without fear and hesitation when I need to use phone to find out answers. I now read English bible, not Chinese one anymore. There are still lots of space that I can improve in English (for example, I am still super lazy to catch my own writing errors, which my bf complains a lot). Just to write down the little journey that I have been in learning English. This could be a nice little gift for my bf who accidentally believed that my English was ??? before.

:)

English and Monkie

English ignited my interest when I was only a little girl. I still remember playing in the bathroom mumbling words that did not make sense at all while showering. I wholeheartedly believed that I was speaking English. That was during my elementary school years.

When I became a six-grader, mom took her friend's suggestions (and asked about our wills) sending me and my sister to Hess English School. From there, I learned English from the letters and greetings. Finally I didn't need to mumble pretending speaking English. I knew how to speak English!

The three years in Hess, I had lots of first experiences about English. I got my first and only English name, Karen. I participated impromptu speech competition and won the first prize. I was sent to dictionary look-up competition before I ever had a dictionary and knew how to look up in the dictionary but still got the first prize (the only points being taken off were because I didn't understand how to read the dictionary Chinese typesetting therefore I answered the translation wrong.) I was also picked to participate in the recitation competition. This time I only made it to the second round, and didn't make it to the final. Chatting to Native speaker teachers was fun. Playing games was fun. Maybe I really had some interests in English from the very beginning. During the three years of 12 level English class, I got all the first prize graduating from each level except the last one I was the 2nd prize.

After the 12 level classes, Hess has advanced English class which takes maybe another 1.5 years or 2 years to finish. I studied the first one, but didn't get to finish the next two. My dad thought my English is good enough,and I should spend that time for other subjects, for example math. The major difference of advanced class from the 12 level class is that we only have native English speaker teacher in the advanced class. That was a strong confirmation and excitement for me to study there. You no longer have a Chinese English teacher sit at the back of the classroom to help when students can not understand English teacher's words. I still remember Mike, my native English teacher, telling me he's so sorry to lose me as a student on the first day of the 2nd advanced class. (Different continents was the lesson that they were going to talk about in the class. I still remember!) In retrospect, I don't really know if stopping English really helps my math or not. However, after junior high school, my English ability no longer shined brightly as it did before.

In junior high school, English was never a subject that I need to spend time studying. Just finish the school assignment, memorize several new words, I pretty much can switch to the next subject. However, after I entered senior high, not sure what was the reason, my academic performance never got to be great any more. New vocabulary lists became too long to remember them all. Guess I was still better memorizing English lesson context than Chinese. Anyway, English was an o.k. subject in my black senior high years.

After I got into college, English class suddenly became easy again for me. I was still haunted by my poor senior high experience, however, I soon discover that my classmates were all not that great in English. Frank was one of the important and encouraging professors in my college years. He was my English teacher who constantly confirmed me that my English is as good as students who major in English. Having the best grades in class is easy for me. Oral presentation experience also helped me to see that I am somewhat better than other people. If I really need to say what changed me during that time, it could be the year in cram school preparing college entrance exam that I really studied pretty hard and brought all the vocabularies I need to know into my head. Frank kept encouraging me to enroll in a speech competition. However, during the four-year college time, I always found excuses not to go. I even enrolled at my senior year, but ended up not showing up because I didn't finish my article for the topic that we can prepare at home. :P

During college year, I tried to improve my English on and off. Time review magazine was one of the magazine I subscribed, but I don't think I ever finished reading them. However, studying abroad has already been my goal. English was an essential tool that I need to use and I didn't afraid to spend as much time as possible.

I honestly didn't have great TOEFL and GRE scores. The bad studying habits starting from senior high till college made this result not a surprise for me.

Fear

After sending out the email to brother, the familiar fear comes back haunting in my life again. I wonder how his response will be. Whether he is with me, supporting and cheerful or against me, blaming and putting me down.

***

Samuel is busy preparing the whole wedding related tasks.

***

I try to calm myself down with the upcoming trip. Won't be happy, but o.k. Maybe I should draw a map of shopping route. Honey said he would go with me wherever I want to go and whatever I want to do. Maybe I will just hang around on the streets, walking on street after street. And buy whatever little things that catch my eyes!

Have been working on this issue for a long time already. Still think it's hard to get through the "family war" trauma.

"Who is the person who hates you the most?" "My dad."

This is my line for him.
I am sure this is not therapeutic at all. Sigh..

Family Nightmare

**

Michael and Anna sleep next to me in my parents' room in Taipei. In the middle of the night, Michael murmured about the snack he just had was salty not sweet. Anna calmly talked to him and asked some water for him. Everyone went back to sleep.
All of sudden, the angry man showed up in the room. "I can't believe you let them sleep here!" shouted angry Dad. "I am sorry you feel this way. I was going to make your bed in the guest room but I forgot. Can I go make your bed now?" More blaming, more calmly owned apology and asking....

**

Shopping in the department store in Taipei. Looking for jeans section in floors. All of a sudden, sister showed up with bf next to her. "Why are you here? What is your purpose of this trip?", she asked. I pretended that I didn't see her, made another turn, took another escalator. "What is your purpose?", she chased after me and stopped me. "Mom said you should not bring up marriage or future plan. You should wait because this is not a right time to talk about that." "What do you mean by that?", I asked. "Endure and suffer" were the terms she used.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I always think if I end up seeing psychologist/psychiatrist because of depression or PTSD and need to be on medication for my whole life, my family should be happily released that they finish their mission!

愛情題

Another semi-fight tonight.
The inner part of me immediately blocked myself with anger when noticing someone got angry at me. "Not fair, I don't deserve it!", I cried. Guess this is another evidence that I am still so trapped in the little-girl struggle. Fear, anger, backing off, leave, sick, suicide. All different thoughts flew through my head. Immediately, I played my "big warm daddy" figure talked to myself in my mind. "What kind of suicide attempt you want?"
"Sleep to death!"
"Really, what else would you try?"
"Laugh to death "
"That one is good. "
Then the despair goes away, just the hurting and wanting to be hugged, cherished, and comforted feelings stayed.

好累，也好難。
很驚嚇受挫的接受Joe的感覺和認知。Even more is the pain of accepting anger and blame.
I am adjusting to put anger out to protect and fight. Just like while talking to mom, my agitation is just the mask of crying and hurting. I wish I am not like me.

Linda gave me an alternative way to do about TW trip. "Not fair!" I have my anger too. Why I need to put up with this? Another unfairness even is the perception about Judo's parents. I should have known that it will never be a good idea to "say bad things" about the other's parents. (not criticize. criticizing is attacking the person instead of actions and things.) Do I care more about money or people? Am I afraid that he may choose them over me? Guess he already told me that he won't. I didn't even think about a vacation that they pay for. (Now I know that people do that....um...) Since I am already making decision going to a direction that I won't make lots of money in the future, what's so important of others not making much money? Other's parents still work too. Not a big deal? Maybe I hate the prediction that how they will be viewed? Or I am frustrated that the lessons I know so well is something seems hard for them.

Uncertainty and fear emerged.
Don't even want to think about TW trip.
Wish he can immediately know what I learned and read.
Maybe I am still not used to a "regular", and not-meet-all-the-time relationship? I thought I changed and adjusted to it not too bad....?

Ok. What is the lesson?
Nah...no interest to think seriously.
Under given right circumstances, I can commit all kinds of sins.
Hate the family thing. Hate the aloneness I always always always always always feel, especially when I cry.

As long as there's God with me, even if the world is dark, I should not be afraid.

Perfect Daughter

Started reading "Perfect Daughter", a book written by Robert Ackerman which talks about adult daughters of alcoholics. I know for sure what my family's response will be if they know I am reading this book-- "what are you talking about? Your dad is not an alcoholic!" "You just like to make things worse. You have no idea what a real alcoholic is really like. Definitely not your dad."...something like that.

Was tensed from Saturday night because knowing mom will call on Sunday morning. Not so sure what she wants to talk about, but was nervous about how all things will turn out to be. No doubt, it comes to where I am going to stay in this coming TW trip. And she starts giving me "comments" and "teachings" about how wrong I am, how immature I am--that I am going to make a huge mistake even though I have never said a single word that I will not stay in the house.

I got so frustrated and agitated. Even thinking back now, I can still feel the helpless feelings that I am trapped, that I have no idea how to react and get out of my "out-of-control" feelings. Without practicing active listening, I interrupted her often, corrected her comments and false description, challenged her authority and the experience comes from seniority. I was so mad and hurt. The guilt of stopping talking to her and hanging up the phone haunted me. I felt it is super cruel to say and apply that I am not going to talk. I felt it was really hurtful to stop a mom from talking to her daughter. I felt it was so mean that I did this to her. However, I was at the same time felt so trapped, helpless, frustrated, hurt and alone.

I called Joe immediately after the phone call. Not knowing what to say or do, I just want the feeling that there is someone else to take care of me. I tried to talk to myself, like a parental figure talking to myself: "it's ok, relax...you're ok. It's ok... It hurts, right? but it's ok. Just some labels that people want to put on you. But, it's not a big deal right? What's so bad about being called as a communist?" I imagined a loving hand literally helps me lessen my tensed muscle. I tried that by speaking to myself, I don't need to act actively, but the voice will help me untangle my nerves and pat me on the back. Super typical little girl syndrome, I guess. What a typical adult daughter, who longs for that kind of care taking.

Reading the book is a bit challenging when reading some stories or situations that I can personally relate to. Tears, sighs, and sometimes laughters. I am really grateful that as much as how I can easily be used by bad people, I was protected by God in my life so far. I had super close dangerous experience of being used, but other than that, the men in my life are all not that toxic. Looking back I can see that I have always wanted the male role in a relationship to be like a big brother or even father figure. I want to demonstrate my little girl cutie behaviors. If I can make them smile, say things like "you little silly baby.." I will totally be satisfied and feel loved and secured. I love the hugs and touching that fit to what a dad will do when his little girl cries or being tucked into bed. I never have, and I am so vulnerably wanted that in my life.

Another grateful and happy thing if that Joe gets to read some Perfect Daughter with me. The sense of I can just read it to him without repeating or summarizing to him later by myself adds lots of joy to it. And, I like the information discussion and sharing part in our relax time together.

Whew~
This is such a heavy and hard issue for me. Going to CR helps me identify my struggles and broadly tracing out the cause and root. However, learning more about the issue now looks like really beneficial. I am excited and open to see how I can get better in recovery through the learning process. Taiwan trip becomes not that fun anymore. The feeling of the need to emerge and get used to Joe's family adds on the top of this moment-- the moment of feeling I am cutting the separation line clearly with the FOO. *sigh*