Perfect Daughter

Started reading "Perfect Daughter", a book written by Robert Ackerman which talks about adult daughters of alcoholics. I know for sure what my family's response will be if they know I am reading this book-- "what are you talking about? Your dad is not an alcoholic!" "You just like to make things worse. You have no idea what a real alcoholic is really like. Definitely not your dad."...something like that.

Was tensed from Saturday night because knowing mom will call on Sunday morning. Not so sure what she wants to talk about, but was nervous about how all things will turn out to be. No doubt, it comes to where I am going to stay in this coming TW trip. And she starts giving me "comments" and "teachings" about how wrong I am, how immature I am--that I am going to make a huge mistake even though I have never said a single word that I will not stay in the house.

I got so frustrated and agitated. Even thinking back now, I can still feel the helpless feelings that I am trapped, that I have no idea how to react and get out of my "out-of-control" feelings. Without practicing active listening, I interrupted her often, corrected her comments and false description, challenged her authority and the experience comes from seniority. I was so mad and hurt. The guilt of stopping talking to her and hanging up the phone haunted me. I felt it is super cruel to say and apply that I am not going to talk. I felt it was really hurtful to stop a mom from talking to her daughter. I felt it was so mean that I did this to her. However, I was at the same time felt so trapped, helpless, frustrated, hurt and alone.

I called Joe immediately after the phone call. Not knowing what to say or do, I just want the feeling that there is someone else to take care of me. I tried to talk to myself, like a parental figure talking to myself: "it's ok, relax...you're ok. It's ok... It hurts, right? but it's ok. Just some labels that people want to put on you. But, it's not a big deal right? What's so bad about being called as a communist?" I imagined a loving hand literally helps me lessen my tensed muscle. I tried that by speaking to myself, I don't need to act actively, but the voice will help me untangle my nerves and pat me on the back. Super typical little girl syndrome, I guess. What a typical adult daughter, who longs for that kind of care taking.

Reading the book is a bit challenging when reading some stories or situations that I can personally relate to. Tears, sighs, and sometimes laughters. I am really grateful that as much as how I can easily be used by bad people, I was protected by God in my life so far. I had super close dangerous experience of being used, but other than that, the men in my life are all not that toxic. Looking back I can see that I have always wanted the male role in a relationship to be like a big brother or even father figure. I want to demonstrate my little girl cutie behaviors. If I can make them smile, say things like "you little silly baby.." I will totally be satisfied and feel loved and secured. I love the hugs and touching that fit to what a dad will do when his little girl cries or being tucked into bed. I never have, and I am so vulnerably wanted that in my life.

Another grateful and happy thing if that Joe gets to read some Perfect Daughter with me. The sense of I can just read it to him without repeating or summarizing to him later by myself adds lots of joy to it. And, I like the information discussion and sharing part in our relax time together.

Whew~
This is such a heavy and hard issue for me. Going to CR helps me identify my struggles and broadly tracing out the cause and root. However, learning more about the issue now looks like really beneficial. I am excited and open to see how I can get better in recovery through the learning process. Taiwan trip becomes not that fun anymore. The feeling of the need to emerge and get used to Joe's family adds on the top of this moment-- the moment of feeling I am cutting the separation line clearly with the FOO. *sigh*