愛情題

Another semi-fight tonight.
The inner part of me immediately blocked myself with anger when noticing someone got angry at me. "Not fair, I don't deserve it!", I cried. Guess this is another evidence that I am still so trapped in the little-girl struggle. Fear, anger, backing off, leave, sick, suicide. All different thoughts flew through my head. Immediately, I played my "big warm daddy" figure talked to myself in my mind. "What kind of suicide attempt you want?"
"Sleep to death!"
"Really, what else would you try?"
"Laugh to death "
"That one is good. "
Then the despair goes away, just the hurting and wanting to be hugged, cherished, and comforted feelings stayed.

好累，也好難。
很驚嚇受挫的接受Joe的感覺和認知。Even more is the pain of accepting anger and blame.
I am adjusting to put anger out to protect and fight. Just like while talking to mom, my agitation is just the mask of crying and hurting. I wish I am not like me.

Linda gave me an alternative way to do about TW trip. "Not fair!" I have my anger too. Why I need to put up with this? Another unfairness even is the perception about Judo's parents. I should have known that it will never be a good idea to "say bad things" about the other's parents. (not criticize. criticizing is attacking the person instead of actions and things.) Do I care more about money or people? Am I afraid that he may choose them over me? Guess he already told me that he won't. I didn't even think about a vacation that they pay for. (Now I know that people do that....um...) Since I am already making decision going to a direction that I won't make lots of money in the future, what's so important of others not making much money? Other's parents still work too. Not a big deal? Maybe I hate the prediction that how they will be viewed? Or I am frustrated that the lessons I know so well is something seems hard for them.

Uncertainty and fear emerged.
Don't even want to think about TW trip.
Wish he can immediately know what I learned and read.
Maybe I am still not used to a "regular", and not-meet-all-the-time relationship? I thought I changed and adjusted to it not too bad....?

Ok. What is the lesson?
Nah...no interest to think seriously.
Under given right circumstances, I can commit all kinds of sins.
Hate the family thing. Hate the aloneness I always always always always always feel, especially when I cry.

As long as there's God with me, even if the world is dark, I should not be afraid.