Current me

Though have spending some time reading information about addiction and family of origin, I think I still somewhat stay in the denial that my family can still be happily existing in my world. Maybe that is one of the reasons that I keep feeling panic and anxious about the coming trip. I still imagine how disappointed my mom will be if she learns about my real plan and I take that feelings over to be mine. I then hurt for her, and I feel bad about me being the "bad person" who hurts her. Maybe I don't really emphasized with dad much. However, maybe there is still little tiny part in me longing for the princess treatment-mainly being treasured by dad. Thus, I still expect, and disappoint over and over again.

To me, it is cruel that I go back without informing my family. Guess I can't really deny that telling them probably will only bring humiliation, retaliation and attacks. But, it's cruel, still. Part of me even think that I won't be totally happy by myself just like what I used to be-- I want someone taking me around.

Planned a bit my shopping route. Thinking I want to walk through every floors of the various department stores. Planning that I want to walk through every single street in the little tiny Hsinchu city. But, what will that look like? when no one that I was familiar from the past can be with me...

After talking to Ingrid, I get even more clear picture what an American dream our parents may have. Or to say, the "success" dream. I think I have processed the information better; that is not what I want. Even though the financial future looks glorious, I am fine taking Linda's experience that it doesn't bring you satisfaction if the plan is not aligned with God. I am happy that it seems like I don't need to spend years after climbing to the climax and then have the same regret Linda has. Moreover, "smelling" Ingrid's not-presenting problems makes me even alerted more. --> That is what I don't want to get myself into.

Shopping with honey is always a "pampering" time for me. As I say, I probably will not reach a point that I can make more money than him this life. However, noticing that I am always told I can get whatever I want makes me feel really grateful and "blissful". I forgot to check what was the total price he paid last night at Henry's. I only know that the extra amount of money compared to what I usually pay for my grocery is one of his "indulgence" behaviors toward me.

Really glad that I found a man who doesn't evaluate my worth based on how much money my job can bring home!