Mom Visit - IV

Joe planned whale-watching event at Dana Point. It was a early wake-up day and it was fun. When I saw the excitement emerged from mom's sparkling eyes, I immediately got the feeling that it's all worth it.

We had lots of common dolphins swimming and jumping besides the boat. Very cool experience. We then went to the Beach House for a late lunch. Not sure what made everything changed. It was a combination of seafood, oceanview and enjoyment.

Finally pick up my wedding dress. It was humongous. Now I need to figure out how to store it.

I kept having the feeling that I can not leave mom behind. I appreciated her doing everything for me. And the most important thing is to make her happy, not the codependent or pleasing kind, but just be happy.

I changed so fast.

Oh, and the Huntington is worth visiting.

Mom Visit - III

Defeated after two weeks. I guess I am going crazy. The most miserable thing is feeling torn inside. She is mean but at the same time still catches my attention. Part of me still longs for the caring from parents. Since dad's side is an already-closed, passed tense state, mom seems to be the only hope left. She became like a grumpy old woman. In front of her, babe became quiet too. I felt I am a big loser that the whole picture looks bad and broken. I just can't take it anymore.

Why is it so difficult? Why it always need to be the overwhelmingly heart-broken feeling? Is the fine broken pieces of heart still repairable?

What is my part? that I failed to practice the small and soft yet powerful voice? that I failed to make her feel safe? that I demonstrated again that I will walk away?

I failed to call for a break in a peaceful way. I accused myself to be a loser. I hate family relationships- the one that hurts you the most, but also the one that makes you wanted the most.

Mom Visit - II

媽咪在似乎我也睡不沈。早上在上班前帶著媽咪去超級市場買菜。最幸福的事大概就是聽著媽咪說，這個甜、這個好吃、這個跟那個煮，然後一個勁兒的往菜籃丟吧。我不用擔心怎麼料理，只是負責掏錢買單，說要吃甜點，就買個幾盒，說要喝飲料，順道帶上一杯給Joe。

下午上班中間，很天兵烏龍的遇上阿姨和表姊。晚上下了班，一起出去吃飯。大家都客客氣氣的，但是我卻心疼那沒有熱絡的交談和似乎有點不搭的雙語環境。因為又想陪媽咪又想寫報告，我變得很累很無眠。眼睛常常一早起來就紅到晚，很慘。

昨晚竟然在夢裡夢到老爸。很溫柔的問我要不要重新當他的小女兒。英文聲帶，果然是夢。半夜醒來了不少次，細細的咀嚼著那種很奇怪的感覺。

收到禮服店的通知，禮服到了！另外還要找時間去拿伴娘衣服。

Mom Visit - I

媽咪要來的前幾天，興奮極了。雖然期末很忙，很努力的把家整理得很乾淨，每一處都用清潔劑好好刷了一遍。Joe也幫著我打掃廚房。
等到出發去機場，在路上我突然開始靜了下來。說是靜，竟然還有點擔心。心裡掛記著希望媽咪不要等太久，通關要順利，一邊好像也擔心到底行程該怎麼安排、時間要怎麼調配。

加上阿姨是讓很多事情不確定的因素。我一向覺得那裡是謎一般的霧裡看花，嗅得出有祕密，但是卻問不出所以然。倒是不知道應該怎麼處理。

媽咪打了電話給爸報平安。我拿過一邊耳機想聽聽他們對話的樣子到底是什麼。媽咪看我動作，直接的跟老爸說要讓我跟他講講話。來不及反應，在順勢把前一個戴上耳機的動作帶好，剛好聽見爸不耐煩拒絕的聲音。媽作勢要我講點什麼，我哈囉個幾聲，爸只跟媽持續抱怨沒那個跟我講話的必要。

拆了耳機，遁進廁所，我又再一次被影響了。練習不要自己鑽進死胡同，練習遇到事情上帝是第一個被我知會的。「他是因為害怕和不知所措吧。」我圈點這個結論，雖然不知道到時候走紅毯怎麼辦，之前禱告的有一個 civilized talk 怎麼實現，不過上帝把拔愛我是真的。緊緊抓住這個。

等媽咪的時候覺得我好像是一個有了娘可以把老公丟下的人。心裡一邊覺得不好、一邊不知道該有什麼反應。媽還是很一廂情願的以為更努力的跟Joe講國語，就是幫他練習。我常也失了準頭不知道怎麼把兩邊兩個語言兩種文化兩個人，兜在一起。

媽咪來的興奮，很快就消耗殆盡似的。那電話事件後，我瞬間很想念Joe給我的安全感。

Wedding preparation III Premarital Counseling

Every Wednesday night is our premarital counseling appointment. We have been through half of them and have talked about several areas and issues we should anticipate in marriages. We had our second fight after being engaged this week prior to going to counseling. Joe tried to make up and talked through it before hand, but I was still stubborn.

Extended family, communication and conflict resolution are all issues related to this fight. We gradually unfolded the point till we get to the detail really closely. Joe put my reactions into words really well while he described what he saw in me. My feeling aspect was puzzled with his intention and his behaviors according to my interpretation. It's like a trapped and stuck corner where the definition of love has been redefined. Therefore, love does not look that great any more. Joe said he does not want me suffer and stuff everything inside of me. He wants me and invites me to tell him everything. Bring up things in my perspective and check with him what was going on at his side.

After the session, I tried to tell Joe the minor issues happened before just to practice answering his invitation of letting him know what happened inside of me. I felt his strong and safe arms around me hugging me really tight. I listened to his clarification and explanation of the meaning of love. All of the sudden, I got an epiphany. This man, standing right here, is offering me something that I have dreamed about demanding from people who "claims" to love me. He has seen my past, and understand where I come from. However, he embraced me as who I am and is willing to go beyond to care about me and being extra sensitive to me. I guess I finally grasp that is a sacrificing love- a love that put the other person's interest before his own.

Just to keep a record of the feeling safe and assured from him.

Father-figure visit

Highlight of the day is Reggie knocked on my door this afternoon!

Looking up from my file folders, I jumped up to give him a big hug! Reggie is here again! We chatted during his short break of this Dmiv intensive class. Talked about the wedding and he promises to come! Hooray!

Reggie was my professor and big boss when I was in Golden Gate. Loved that he mentioned about the diversity of our environment and group and how he grew up being comfortable around people who are different from him. Looking back, he is probably one of the few people that have no bias or preconceived idea about other ethnic groups, and even not have any victim mentality for his own ethnic group. (or at least I did not sense anything). He was very encouraging while being the adviser of my independent study debriefing my paper with me. However, the most touching experience I had was when I am leaving Golden Gate, having financial problems, he talked to me, listened to me and showed great compassion to me. That was probably the first time I got a big hug from him.

Later we met when I first went to Fuller. He and Victor joked about how I betrayed Golden Gate and came here. It was a big surprise to see him on campus again today. Hope he will have great time in his last required class for his degree! Way to go! Doctor!

今天

今天天空很藍。寫了兩篇reading log，有完成任務的成就感。
今天坐在書店，腳和鞋子有點意見不合，搖擺撞磨。
今天吃自己烤的麵包，挖鑿心和殼的平衡。
今天對你喊，「就你了」，感謝你承接所有的傾瀉。

今天喪失興趣，機器人持續運轉。
今天看一地泥濘，我慢慢把碎片撿起。
今天想紅又黃的落葉，那種俯拾即是的隨意，
總是在兩相衝突的縫隙裡，
發現。

Wedding preparation II + week 9 murmur

Got wedding date changed again. Big bummer!

It took me couple nights to letting go that my dearest friends won't be able to make it and looking forward to have mimi there to be "my old friend". Now it needs to change again. I've noticed when things got changed or became not satisfactory, I have the feeling of not want to care about anything. No good dates to get married, so why get married? even.

It must have something to do with the expectations and trust and the disappointments altogether. And I find I don't really know that I have confidence in the unfamiliar countries.

Week 9. Got the sexuality class midterm back. Didn't get all As. Disappointed. The answers are not enough. It feels like all the efforts were not enough. Even wanted to look external for excuses.

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Felt: abandoned. Thought: knew it's going to happen again. processing conclusion: when negative emotions come up, he will get frustrated, mad and leave.

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Got dress finalized. Guilty about the cost. Friend said he really treasures you. I am released and confident to have him take care of you now.