Mom Visit - III

Defeated after two weeks. I guess I am going crazy. The most miserable thing is feeling torn inside. She is mean but at the same time still catches my attention. Part of me still longs for the caring from parents. Since dad's side is an already-closed, passed tense state, mom seems to be the only hope left. She became like a grumpy old woman. In front of her, babe became quiet too. I felt I am a big loser that the whole picture looks bad and broken. I just can't take it anymore.

Why is it so difficult? Why it always need to be the overwhelmingly heart-broken feeling? Is the fine broken pieces of heart still repairable?

What is my part? that I failed to practice the small and soft yet powerful voice? that I failed to make her feel safe? that I demonstrated again that I will walk away?

I failed to call for a break in a peaceful way. I accused myself to be a loser. I hate family relationships- the one that hurts you the most, but also the one that makes you wanted the most.