the Courageous

Judo gave me a card said I am the courageous.

Last night by one tiny probing question, he told me several thoughts that I never know about. "Closed", the processing center in me ordered this command.

I recalled the idea of blaming people to get the sense of power concept from a book I just read days ago. Vividly I emptied my mind just to kick out the idea of being stressed and worried. "Aren't we supposed to just trust and believe? let go and let God?" I played the 'God is in control' card in my mind game. Also trying to suppress the feelings that friend gave me after I shared the negotiation during hiking. "They are not listening!" I judge in my mind. Probably knowing this could not be a 100 percent valid statement. I just closed the subject since no one had any feedback and let their other conversation take place.

It was the feeling of being keeping out of the loop really irritates me. I see myself playing the grabbing power plot, say "you can take your time putting things off or dealing with your concern and fear. I have my time table too. I will make a decision on xxx day. I am not waiting for you." .....Maybe inside of me still kind of getting hurt from this whole thing. Bringing up some idea then let it go without further detail of plan. Not knowing what's ahead. Being told that he hasn't thought about our relationship and plan. Realizing that it's not being taken care of. It was just sitting there. period.

I must had been angry. And I said, "who told you that I am going to marry you no matter how?"

Isn't that just a statement that I want to feel I still have the power? Maybe just to express anger or ...sadness... or I interpreted those concerns as I am not good and qualified.

God, if we just choose something simple, will life be easier? or we will regret that this is a waste of life?

Forgive to live

I finally open the book, "forgive to live" one month after receiving it. I know I have not trained myself act and respond in a stressful situation regarding making decisions. It is so much easier and familiar for me to point fingers at others because I am already paralyzed by the fear, stress, unknown and consequence from past and upcoming consequence.

Though I didn't have many available brain cells analyzing how much material in that book is original or just paraphrase what I already knew. Reading some paragraphs from the "My life is your fault" chapter helps me look at my current situation and my options. Calmed down.

I could and I see myself so want to just say, ok, my parents didn't help me grow making decisions. They even "made" me make decisions that they think is the best. Now...see ...all these.....Another one I can play is pointing at bf for all decisions that he could have made differently. The book was right with it makes me feel powerful at the beginning. But then deep powerless afterwards.

Anyway, no time for a good article. Just to record that sometimes having one of these books helps! I do have choices to make my life keep growing better at this point. I can look forward to see what change I can make and what decisions I can choose instead of thinking how others ruined my could-be-better life before.

Another reminder is, my life purpose is greater than a visa. Walking out of the office without the offer is not something that will kill me. God is richer than Michael, and He certainly won't be defeated by merely this amount of money. Think it from a good way, after I go through this, I can be a person with "negotiation experience". On top of that, "to a Chinese person, whose culture is known for bad at negotiating but still have relationships afterward". After this, I will be more "sharp" in knowing what I want, and what I don't want. This could be something good!

And.
I can learn C# by myself, because I have already done it in these 2 months!

Summary

Sis's email excited me a lot this morning.

My emotion changes dramatically within couple hours- depending on what I am thinking about or what I am telling God about.

Tired.

Don't like the torn between feeling. It will go away. Hang in there.

Do you like me? Do you love me?
I don't like my psychological analysis of myself.

Couple more ideas about my attitudes toward those Chinese people in the office.
Feelings about battling for myself.
Feelings of being a solider.
Feelings about revenge, resentment.
Feelings about--I don't feel safe either.

Courage

I don't like that I need to be courageous.
And I don't like that I need to do it anyway because this is the right way and only way.
And I don't like that I don't like to be courageous making decisions.
(yep...you can start a tongue twister.)

Actually I felt like a solider going to battle when driving this morning. Thinking the negotiation may surprise Michael and imagine his face may look really funny. Maybe that is another way to cheer me up, I guess.

I did remember when leaving church office on Tuesday, the dream I told God once again. "IN CASE you forgot", I tried to be funny. "This is my dream", I turned my head looking at the building once again walking toward my car.

And the scenario sounds nice, right? Can't deny it.

:( I know I need to make decision.
I made a crappy list last night, but seemed to be not clear enough though.

Why am I so good at the negative thinking?
Uh? Uh? Why? Why?

And it sounds like I am still resisting growing up, being an adult!!

pre-marital counseling stress

I may have been mad at myself unconsciously, though it looks like I am upset with him. Guess it is because it’s easier to point fingers on others than myself.
Yep, he has his plan, thinking, stress all that. I CHOSE to live with it. That was my own decision. It feels like I am now mad at myself I didn’t take care of myself well enough before. When there was a timing issue, plan issue, I could have let him be the leader as he requested, but at the same time I should have my own boundaries- aka, consequences decided by me.
The bottom-line is I am still myself, by myself, not affiliated with anyone else. So I should have thought about what would be my next move if he didn’t do certain thing at certain time. But, I didn’t think about that. And I am now mad at me didn’t handle it correctly. It feels like I didn’t take care of myself well to use the “ring or bye” power.
Now seeing and feeling the shocks, surprises, and uncertainness of marriage not only brings excitement, stress, panic, but also triggers the anger and resentment.
It looks like against him—you are the one who didn’t do it right, who failed me, who brought me stress and disappointment…..
But it may actually against myself—I am the one who failed myself, disappointed myself, and am seeing the consequences of that coming to me.

Recently. Couseling. Job.

Chundra asked me if pre-marital counseling makes me feel excited and happy. Well..not quite. It’s mixed feelings of excitement, surprises, scary and disappointed. (…ok. Maybe a bit hurt too.)
Excitement and surprise come from the acknowledgement that , wow, is this coming? He did kinda want to marry me?
Scary comes from the one of two outcomes: engaged or breaking up.
Disappointed and hurt come from the realization that he didn’t put much thoughts into the plan before. And also, the atmosphere of presenting a business deal, not emotional, romantic and sweet at all.
I’ve been praying about this for these days. I told God that I already shared my disappointment and hurt with Joe and he apologized for the consequence that makes me feel I am not valued and prioritized. I know I should have forgiven completely and I know I am willing to do that, but I was murmuring to God that last time he mentioned about marriage was like this too. And the last time he mentioned about pre-marital counseling, I was told to ask for details. Though I felt awkward, little afraid, I still went to Sarah and Sue asking the details and brought the information back to him. Then silence. Nothing happened. Almost feels like he totally forgot that. There was a period of time of…”what is the deal kind of feeling.” Then I really let go and think I need to trust that he has his plan in mind.

And now, I am recalling the past memory to complain to God. “See, isn’t that should confirm the hurt feeling more ?” Stupid? Maybe.
Asking wisdom and clarification to see what’s underneath that. Haven’t figured out yet. What was going on with the “suppressing counseling to be not excited? ” Should I quickly adjust myself out of the “this feels like I am being asked to go to find out if we will break up. Because we are not talking about engagement. He didn’t propose. He didn’t even just casually tell me, he would like to marry me and he would like to move on to the next step in order to make the commitment happen.” Not any of that. If I should, what’s holding me back?
I do know he cares about me. He was even more considerate than me suggesting we go meet sis’s bf in the airport. He even cares more about my possible family member-to-be than me. He being available for me letting me asking him his idea about my future plan. He almost always willing to check my articles and mails before I officially use them. ..
Um…
I would like to take easy way out just say, it is all because of the monthly period, so I am more easily to be affected by any single thing. I can get moody, emotional, fragile emotionally…… And, there are other external factors too…job offer, lawyer, visa, find new job….
Back to the old question, what do I want to do with my life? What do my life look like without him? Have I clearly thought through already? Like Claudia said, if I can’t stand for myself, then I am not ready for marriage yet.

緊緊

我把你緊緊抱著 抱得緊緊的

我哄你說這樣眼淚就不會掉了
你悶著聲 輕輕的顫抖著
你忍著 那讓我捨不得的委屈

你說那感覺像是被拒絕了
我輕輕拍著你
你說 你知道不等於 但是你覺得好像是被大辣辣的劃上不及格不夠優秀的標記
你說 你怕 怕你不夠厲害 但只是一直都不肯承認
我順著你的頭髮 聽你說著
你說 好像是又一次的不知道未來的計畫和路是什麼
好像又一次好努力的拼 可是結果跟自己想的不一樣
你說 好像抓不住的東西越來越多 不知道要怎麼辦了

你的眼淚越掉越多
我擦不及 就見它掉了下來..