Recently. Couseling. Job.

Chundra asked me if pre-marital counseling makes me feel excited and happy. Well..not quite. It’s mixed feelings of excitement, surprises, scary and disappointed. (…ok. Maybe a bit hurt too.)
Excitement and surprise come from the acknowledgement that , wow, is this coming? He did kinda want to marry me?
Scary comes from the one of two outcomes: engaged or breaking up.
Disappointed and hurt come from the realization that he didn’t put much thoughts into the plan before. And also, the atmosphere of presenting a business deal, not emotional, romantic and sweet at all.
I’ve been praying about this for these days. I told God that I already shared my disappointment and hurt with Joe and he apologized for the consequence that makes me feel I am not valued and prioritized. I know I should have forgiven completely and I know I am willing to do that, but I was murmuring to God that last time he mentioned about marriage was like this too. And the last time he mentioned about pre-marital counseling, I was told to ask for details. Though I felt awkward, little afraid, I still went to Sarah and Sue asking the details and brought the information back to him. Then silence. Nothing happened. Almost feels like he totally forgot that. There was a period of time of…”what is the deal kind of feeling.” Then I really let go and think I need to trust that he has his plan in mind.

And now, I am recalling the past memory to complain to God. “See, isn’t that should confirm the hurt feeling more ?” Stupid? Maybe.
Asking wisdom and clarification to see what’s underneath that. Haven’t figured out yet. What was going on with the “suppressing counseling to be not excited? ” Should I quickly adjust myself out of the “this feels like I am being asked to go to find out if we will break up. Because we are not talking about engagement. He didn’t propose. He didn’t even just casually tell me, he would like to marry me and he would like to move on to the next step in order to make the commitment happen.” Not any of that. If I should, what’s holding me back?
I do know he cares about me. He was even more considerate than me suggesting we go meet sis’s bf in the airport. He even cares more about my possible family member-to-be than me. He being available for me letting me asking him his idea about my future plan. He almost always willing to check my articles and mails before I officially use them. ..
Um…
I would like to take easy way out just say, it is all because of the monthly period, so I am more easily to be affected by any single thing. I can get moody, emotional, fragile emotionally…… And, there are other external factors too…job offer, lawyer, visa, find new job….
Back to the old question, what do I want to do with my life? What do my life look like without him? Have I clearly thought through already? Like Claudia said, if I can’t stand for myself, then I am not ready for marriage yet.