the Courageous

Judo gave me a card said I am the courageous.

Last night by one tiny probing question, he told me several thoughts that I never know about. "Closed", the processing center in me ordered this command.

I recalled the idea of blaming people to get the sense of power concept from a book I just read days ago. Vividly I emptied my mind just to kick out the idea of being stressed and worried. "Aren't we supposed to just trust and believe? let go and let God?" I played the 'God is in control' card in my mind game. Also trying to suppress the feelings that friend gave me after I shared the negotiation during hiking. "They are not listening!" I judge in my mind. Probably knowing this could not be a 100 percent valid statement. I just closed the subject since no one had any feedback and let their other conversation take place.

It was the feeling of being keeping out of the loop really irritates me. I see myself playing the grabbing power plot, say "you can take your time putting things off or dealing with your concern and fear. I have my time table too. I will make a decision on xxx day. I am not waiting for you." .....Maybe inside of me still kind of getting hurt from this whole thing. Bringing up some idea then let it go without further detail of plan. Not knowing what's ahead. Being told that he hasn't thought about our relationship and plan. Realizing that it's not being taken care of. It was just sitting there. period.

I must had been angry. And I said, "who told you that I am going to marry you no matter how?"

Isn't that just a statement that I want to feel I still have the power? Maybe just to express anger or ...sadness... or I interpreted those concerns as I am not good and qualified.

God, if we just choose something simple, will life be easier? or we will regret that this is a waste of life?