Conservative about my words.

Conservative about my words.

This is what you said to me.

I now try to comfort myself that feeler does have right to feel too.
I tend to force myself to be quiet and silent. I don't want myself be disregarded by myself.

That made me feel a little bit depriciated.
You promised there's gonna be a letter. It's not me asking it actively.

Too little faith?
I am always telling myself be ready for the day you might try to give up.

That just doesn't look easy, right?

Christmas

7 Christmas services in 3 days.
One candlelight service on Saturday night. Attendee.
Five services Sunday whole day. I still enjoy Rick Muchow being the worship leader.
He's so talented in interacting with the crowd. Tim Davis sang in 2 services in the morning.
Lyndsey sang for the morning services too. (She's still the best for what child is it.)

Still choosing to stay for 6.30pm service. One of the reason was I did sign up for this one, and few people can sing for 6.30pm. The other one was the way those 2 girls arranging dinner time made me feel so annoyed. I was thinking I rather stayed at church alone than hanging out with them.

Craig (?) was talktive last night. And a active hug!? Am I really that attractive to men?
Michael, Kim, Maurice, now even Craig?

Ended up didn't share or ask too many things with Huichin. I knew it would be like this. Friendship need to be maintained regularly, not showing up once a while and expecting people would open their heart to you. I can't care less about the her relationship. I don't wanna interfere, nor give advice. Mm...training to be cold?

Caught up for the last broadcast on Fox News channel. Rick seemed a little bit nervous and was different from usual. Music was cut off for so MANY times. Worship was important too, dude.

Christmas. This year is the very first time I get to know and memorize so many well-known song's lyrics. :) That's a good experience.

Oh, the food we had in church this Sunday, was GREAT!

My Savior

Found Jesus is so important in my life.
Lord, though I sometimes pray to asleep (sorry~)...I do need you.

Being in this kind of relationship, the very first big thing is I am sacrificing my language advantage. I am always the one who feels having the control of language usage. Now, I am not.

I can't expect people understand my heart by reading my emotional expression. I even need to clarify again and again to make sure we are not misunderstanding each other.

It's not easy.

And, Lord, I need you so badly. For I know you are the only one who will satisfy me. No matter what my need is, no matter how I feel, you will always love me and comfort me with your everlasting love.

I am going. Going on the faith journey. I am trusting and would love your presence with me all the time. In every minutes of my life, you're welcome to be with me. Even more, I would invite you to be with me in my every minutes of life. There's nothing I would like to hide from you. I want you be with me, watching over me making every decision, sharing every thought, fighting every obstacles.

And here comes another one.
The phone interview after Urbana...:(
I really don't like interviews. Lord, could you please tell me where is the place you want me to go? What is the thing that you wired me to do?

Rehearsal

It was our second time having Tim Davis and Rick Muchow rehearsal with us.
They are hilarious!

We do songs which will be sung for Christmas 13 services.
Around 8.30pm, we were called to WC rehearsal with the whole orchestra.

Being shocked when seeing almost all the musicians I know are on stage. Tony Guerrero, Rick Muchow, Bob Barrett, Dave (the guitarist)...Bobby was there too. Greg was the soundman of course. (ok, there's only simple greeting between us. I kinda not as idiotic as before anymore.. :P) All people are on stage!!! Apparently, the whole Creative Arts team are so concerned about this Fox News Network braodcasting! We wanna show people the glory of God and the best of saddleback!

ok.
Here's the jokes.

Singing "Joy to the world/Angels we have heard on high", there's a Gloria for choir showed on the lyric.
Tim: Mark it off. (People marking..)
Tim: Oh well, we might sing it.
(People uproarious)
Tim: Just be flexible, guys. What's your problem?

Singing "Love will open your eyes", Tenors sang by exerting their strength.
Tim: If you always give milk out for free, no one will ever want the cow.
(People silent,......and burst out laughing!)

Tim: that's what my mom usually told my sister. Ok, you can use it in your own way.

How to live my days

*I don't know is my title a correct sentence...:P*

How to live my life?
This question came to my mind this morning.

A recruiter from software company that I need to call back, a 2hr rehearsal but me keeping praying and disturbed, and a "relaxed" (I guess it's relaxed cuz I think I am waiting for the dryer.) morning, I am making a halt now, thinking.

My life, God's will.
I feel bad when being overwhelmed by TONS of feelings. Especially, I might not agree with all of my feelings. (Then you definitely see the moment of "the fight between rationality and sensitivity")

Me being open

It should be a CR night actually.
After finishing car maintenance, I stayed at MC2 doing my translation task. (basically only typing and format part finished.) I was a little bit concerned staying there, occupying a cubic. However, since he said it would be ok, I stayed! Staying at the place haveing him in my eyesight, and enjoying free, excellent coffee is not a big problem to me. :)

Lisa, Kuang, and Janet were all working there. 'Should I say anything to them? or simply doing my work pretending I am invisible?' I puzzled a little bit, and then chose being quiet.

Listening to "new brother" JD's sroty at dinner time. His parents are just incredible. I did once think about what whould it be if there's a time that I get to meet his parents. Though it's still too early to worry about it, and it's definitely something I should put in the future, not now, I think just knowing some stories about his family is now enough for me releasing at this moment.

Then I skipped CR.
(Worrying about how Denise would response about this.)
I asked some probing question about feelings. Being confused about how far I can go was not fun. I wasn't sure whether it's a good timing to ask these questions or not. However, thanks God, it went out to be pleasing. Heard about lots of good words, revealing a little bit feelings, and I do wanna make sure he knows how I value his stories.

Can't wait for Urbana.

Dinner with Derek? Accountability partner! wow...pretty excited about meeting someone that already heard about me.

(yep, quite surprised when knowing Paul, Denise know about me before)

Um..

I know she will never figure out this place. However, do I hope one day she will come here, read my life just as what we did before?

Kelly's dad passed away. There was an article on mi's blog written for her. I felt a little bit disconsolate seeing me and her just being far and far away from each other.

It was just weird, right?
Should I care her a little bit more?

Met several people from EFC Irvine (Evangelical Formosan Church) last couple days. However I felt wanna be invisible to them. They do know mimi. They know SOP too. I guess I don't want let them know I was so close to her. We were so close....

Life stories

It has always been lifestory-telling that makes people become closer. People get to know each other more by sharing things that we learn lessons from. It may be painful during that time, but you definitely see life has been changed after going through those sufferings.

Denny's. Late yesterday.

It was unexpecting that those painful thing being shared. I can only sat there listening. Couldn't do much but prayed quietly inside my heart for him. Watching tears dropped from the eyes, I wish things weren't that hard for him. However, as we laughed about, God maybe just laughed and smiled when he was doing that prayer. God always cares.

Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy.
Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed,
he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves.
(Psa 126:5-6 HCSB)

Jokes

Playing "It's Christmas" from Rick Muchow in Tent 3,
Bobby: Who's this?
Karen: Rick Muchow.
(Music playing..)
Bobby: Oh yeah, it's him. Can you hear the baldness?

"The Journey" dress rehearsal at WC,
Rick: That's start from bald. (stroking his head..)

"The Journey" dress rehearsal at Plaza room,
Rick: I am gonna make a little bit adjustment.
Tim: You just don't care about my music, do you?

Tim: I like this music, it just came to my mind.

Rick: Choir, do this.
(Tim making faces/grimacing behind Rick...)

Rick: We want harmony! Tim, come up and do something.
Tim: (staring at Rick) I can't do it right away! (starting writing down harmony note)
Tim: ok, Tenor, this is your part.
Tim: Soprano, sing your melody with Tenor, and we will see what Alto should do.

At WC, running the christmas melody,
Rick: my son said, Focus dad! Focus! (then the payless funny story)
This is my point. Focus everybody!

Rick: Mychal, does guitar sounds good to you?
MJ: NO
Rick: Can you fix it?

Foundations Potluck

Today is the last day of Foundations of this year. We had a potluck for those wonderful women. Arriving quite early, and Greg almost let me do everything! He said he would be the A2 today. (Ha, again, I didn't remember what that stands for. some kinda of assistant engineer?)

Well, those cables were there already. I basically just turn for the monitors Bobby, Linda and Kathy would need. No EQs. No drum today. Lavs prepared but not being used. HH1 works well, but the other one is not. (Greg said it does not belong to this tent!) Satisfying Bobby's need for 2 music stands.

I enjoy being that special! While Bobby and Greg were asked to grab food first. They beckoned me follow them. ("I am pretending I am a guy", "Yup, you are!".) Nancy brought christmas gifts for each of us! There was even Trisha coming up and thank me for helping out here.

Again, I felt so blessed can be any helpful. I really just did a little. I basically just learn stuffs there. I do wish I can help out for next year which Greg said there's gonna be another event and he needs to take care of that!

Thank you, Lord. Thanks.

Two more days before launch-- "The Journey"

It has been three rehearsals so far. I still haven't run anything really as a script reader.
However, each time stepping into WC, there's always something to surprise me.

The first time was the script itself and some scenes.
The second time, actually a little bit surprising of Tim Davis's appearance. (ok, Greg also did a nice rescuing thing on me)
The third time, tonight, the stage has been set up. Running through the tech run, I do appreciate the chance watching audioman and lightman doing their cues.

"It's not about me", I keep telling myself. If there's a need there, then I am here for it.
Even if just one XLR and direct box, one LAV or mic, I can help as a little screw.

MJ sounds like assuming I will be there tomorrow. Well, am I commiting to too many ministries?

I do love to be at two places at the same time. Rehearsal as a choir member and a 2nd FOH(?)

We'll see.
_

Stired

It was yesterday afternoon. At Tully's in Lake Forest.

It was awkward I admitted. I do appreciate I admitted.

Uh............

Right. My life has been stired.
Good job, dude. Shy uh?

Two things let me tear

It was an ok day for me, from my first thought.

Being at Panera from noon, and then heading to church to be there at 5pm for the rehearsal.

I remembered when driving down on 5 freeway, listening to the song "Reach one more". This is the very first time I listen carefully to what Alva's singing. Suddenly, I realized this is definitely the song written for Rick Warren's dad, I began trembled and teared. I can't help but crying when imagining this story, when imaging seeing this scene what Rick said in the intro.

Do I, also carry this words as the theme of my life?

The second heart-stirring thing will be The Journey.

Though there was no audio people there when I arrived at 5pm, there even remains no people around for the whole night. I still am very touched by this story. Of course the whole setting for this musical are fantastic. However, I do believe this is God who put this overwhelming power in this script and in the atmosphere when we exalted His name.

I am so blessed to be one part of this family.
Thanks for Kathy's kindness helping me figuring out who's gonna taking care of me. She also brought me to Plaza room, showed some stuff to me so I need not staying in the WC by myself. I also learned some MJ's story. This KID is so great! (Yeah, kid..) I am so impressed.


Lyrics~

REACH ONE MORE FOR JESUS

As I looked in my father's eyes
Sat by his bed and held his hand
And I said my last goodbyes
He just held on for as long as he can
And I heard him say

Reach one more for Jesus
Before I close my eyes
I must reach one more for Jesus
I won't let another day go by
That's what I'm living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

As I sat by my father's side
I lay down my head upon his bed
And he felt the tears I cried
And he placed his hand upon my head
And I heard him say
Reach one more for Jesus
Before you close your eyes
You must reach one more for Jesus
Don't let another day go by
That's what you're living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

Before he closed his eyes
For the final time
And left this earth
For home he said

Reach one more for Jesus
Before we close our eyes
Reach one more for Jesus
Don't let another day go by
That's what we're living for
To reach one more
One more for Jesus

That's what we're living for
To reach one more
For Jesus

Abrupt email

Got an unexpecting and abrupt email from him. I do feel sorry for his nervous, and worried feelings. I kept thinking does he feel hopeless or not? will everything be fine with him?

I no longer feel wanna contact him anymore. It took me about one month to feel in this way. I can't explain what actually makes my heart changed. However, I still feel compassionate for his situation.

Lord, please be with him. Strengthen his heart and let him know you.

Time to do right thing

I know my heart is now occupied with one thing. However, I know I shouldn't be overwhelmed by the feeling I have now inside of me. The most important thing for me now is living my own life-finding the right direction and right thing to do!

If I do feel I wanna serve in ministry, mission, or church plus christian organization, I should go for it! Gotta do something! But, how..?

Nice words

I guess we tend to listen to the words we love and hope to hear. For those unexpecting or not-so-friendly words, I find myself would be a little bit irritated and disappointed.

Claudia said my no response from job market is a big sign to her that it's not God's plan. She said my heart was crying cuz I am following my plan not God's.

I was mostly fine with what she said. However I feel I am already starting living here. Or should I try the counseling thing? She does really have a sensitive discernment I think. For she not knowing me for a long time, but she actually tells I have a heart for the hurt people.

Lord, I am here. Please help me understand your will. Use your word to light up my soul and heart.

I just love it

I did enjoy all these activities so much. Maybe I should say enjoy those people so much as well.

Greg Baker, David, MJ, Eric, Telor, Floyd, Kathy, Netheneal,
Rick Muchow, Tim Davis, Mini, Fran, Teri, Morrise, Larry, Mary, ...

HIV/AIDS conference was great. Not just about those famous people, but all those God's faithful servants were so great in inspiring and encouraging me. I do enjoy and look forward this kind of life.

And, I just knew that not everyone knows how does people get HIV!

HIV spreads through contact with blood, semen, vaginal fluids, or breast milk from infected people. Contact can come from unsafe sex. It can also come from sharing used needles and syrings. Infected women can pass the virus to their babies during pregnance, childbirth, and breast feeding. It is also possible to become infected with HIV through a blood transfusion, although this isnow very rare.

People do not become infected with HIV through everyday casual contact with people at school, work, home, or anywhere else. The virus is not spread from contact with sweat, tears, saliva, or a casual kiss from an infected person (deep, or "French" kissing is not advised). Nor can people become infected from contact with forks, cups, clothes, phones, toilet seats, or other things used by someone who is infected with HIV. People do not become infected from eating food prepared by an HIV-infected person. People have not become infected with HIV through insect bites.

Thanksgiving Dinner and Mafia

From 11am to 9pm, my whole day was eating and playing.

Though being depressed a lot couple days ago (almost 2 weeks?), I finally became better last night, and was kinda looking forward to join the Thanksgiving dinner with my SG. To be honest, I do not really know them. When arriving around noon, I barely can chat with Joe, Janet and Elisa. I even felt a little bit awkward just hanging over there.

Later, Denise, Lung, Petty and Kai-Kai arrived. Then followed with Charlie and David, who are friends of Janet. We had nice dinner including turkey, apple pie, stuffing, green beans, mashed potato, ice cream, and cheesecake. Though they are not as fantastic as those the Hann's made, they are still nice.

We then played mafia for almost the whole night. (nobody wanna pay attention to Denise' thanksgiving speech time :P, maybe....ppl just wanna keep it in their mind?) Janet was so great lying.^v^

I felt a little bit sorry that I can't go for the early-bird (midnight bird?) again this year. Without target and companion, I think staying home resting would be better for my cold.

Lee was at Aunt's place! They must have their thanksgiving dinner together! (It shocked me.) So they're dating? and so we are not really close I think.....

Moving out

Had a phone talk with Paul Sung today. He told me John(?) and Kim may need someone to help in their house and they have one spare room there. He said it's just an information, but I could think about it and pray for it.

Honestly, I'm a little bit moved.
Though Aunt's nice, I don't really get the deep communication relationship with her. We seldom have deep and inside talk. I may feel guilt, just because staying here looks a little bit like taking advantage from her. Am I ? I really have no idea.

It's the end of November now. Should I move out? Lord. Shall I?

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is around the corner! It's tomorrow, actually.

In the choir rehearsal this Tuesday, Stan Endicott, the choir director, asked us to write down 20 things to be thankful for. He said, the first 10 things would be just kinda superficial, while the next 1o things would be much harder for you to thank for.

I thought about my status now, and wrote down my 20 thankful things pretty easily.

1. Living healthy
2. Staying in US so far
3. Choir and audio tech ministry to join
4. Great church to attend (saddleback church)
5. Have place to stay (Thanks, Aunt)
6. Parents who care me and love me
7. Friends that I know while in Pgh
8. Friends in saddleback small group, audio team, choir and career ministry
9. Sweet and warm host families: Ron& Darlene Hann, Mark& Amy Meyer
10. My dear sister Carrie

11. Mick's getting married
12. Got no job and still alive
13. A car to drive
14. Haven't ran out of $
15. New tote
16. Urbana Youth Convention at the end of year
17. Albert's friendship and PS2
18. Accountability partners: Eileen and Lily
19. KLV's spiritual habit competition
20. SongN's friendship

Life is not always happy when things don't always go in the way we want.
I do feel discouraged, exhausted, depressed, sad, angry, and hopeless sometimes. However, when I look at those wonderful blessings in my life, I started to see this world in another way.
Thanksgiving is not about delicious turkeys and pies only. It's a great time and chance to say, "I am so thankful for you, Lord, for the darkness and the brightness in my life."