Complex

I guess it's a day full of complex feelings.

Was happy about Sunny's nice skill. Kinda satisfied with my new haircut.
Was looking forward to meet Joe for lunch, and was wondering how would he thinks about my haircut.
( typical woman's feeling? care about how we look in the person's(who we care about) eyes? )

I actually prepared lots of things to tell him today. From mom's call in the morning, the Meyers' letter, updates of Carrie, Marriage builder, and even remember to bring my counseling program note with me. During our Gyro time, I kept looking at time, and asked "should you go back to work now?" I guess I really feel bad I am always kinda being the person who's occupying his time. Though I know it's not true, it just makes me feel that I need to worry about is this the time he needs to go back to work, is this the time he needs to go home and sleep, is this the time he needs to go to school, is this the time he needs to work on homework. It's so frustrating to me since it looks like our relationship is spending his time. And all the other tasks he has LOOKS so legitimate. Being immatured asking, if family is gonna be the most important thing in our future life, should we also seriously spend time to dating? I guess this has nothing to do with his problem, but my own feelings. I know he cares about our relationship. I know he's investing time in our relationship. But I somehow just feel bad about me need to keep tracking the time, and remind him, you should go. Will it be better if one day I am the person who has less free time?

Feeling need to be loved today afternoon so badly.
I don't know maybe the feelings during lunch time has effected me somehow. I was a little bit childish, even wanna cry when I couldn't see a clear sentence in the bible that God says he loves me. I read my own schedule about Joshua, and kept feel why on earth need I read these fights, battle stories when I feel so wanna be loved? "Do not be afraid. Be couragous" ok, ok, I know this, but what else? Looking up in the dictionary while I read through Max Lucado's book again. Though quite familiar with the story of "You Are Special", I still feel so wanna cry when reading what Eli said to the Wemmicks.
"Lord, you love me, right? just like Eli to those Wemmicks" "I love you and I died for you because of I love you" I don't know was it me reminding myself God loves me or God did try to remind me how much He loves me. I sat in the car, watching sky. "Why God created those clouds?" I asked. "I don't know why, but the trees looks so pretty in the sunset."
I saw Joe and Janet walked out of the building. I pretened not seeing anything. I felt sleepy after coffee, I tried rest a while before our time tonight cuz I wanna spend time together energetically. Oh, right. Now I figure out one more thing. I guess I care about him, but also feel discouraged when seeing him being tired. It was never his fault but it's sad when it's time he can be with me, he probably would always be a little bit tired since it's after work or school. Do I ever get tired? I do. I feel tired driving, but I need to drive down then I could have church, I could go to counseling class, I could help with Audio and sing in the choir. That's just what I need to do. 8800 miledge increasement in half a year. That was so crazy.

The most unexpecting thing was he actually gave my card to someone else and never get the chance to have it back. That's the card I wrote FOR HIM. I wrote more than twice, kept thinking "which word I should use to best describe my feelings", "in which way should I tell my affection and won't sounds silly and insane", "would it be ok to write Chinese and then explaining to him", "Are my handwriting too ugly? " and on and on and on. If that was a little bit longer, I would say that's kinda of "love letter", and he offer that to other person to use as a paper?! I just can't understand. I guess I cry because feels hurt. Maybe it was a little bit like my effort and love-giving feels not being appreciated? I do understand he was trying to help and be nice to others. Oh well, maybe it was just much easier to say that we are from different culture. People sometimes do this here. We were just different. .............If you feel hurt he not keeping your cards, don't write it. If you feel you're just so good at it, and wanna show affection and encouragement in this way, keep doing it but without any expeciton. Includes being ready for he might throw all things away anyway. I guess it was just different. Since people I knew before, they would all cherish my hand writing stuffs. They would keep it since it was from me. I wish I didn't express myself as an idiot who already fell in love badly with him and couldn' live without him. :( That would be just bad.

The most favorite part I had today, was playing swinging in front of the garage tonight. Did those "Karen's way", "See me as who I am not one of the women in the world" make me feel I am special or important in his eye? Or that just simply made me feel being doted? (Was that a reflection and compensation of what I don' get from Dad?) I used to ask ex-bf "yield" to me though I actually won't do anything bad and would always go for his good. Was that a wrong request? Desire maybe?
( Now desire and goal become being used so frequently...) Could I enjoy talking to him in a more "cute" tone and enjoy his coaxing if there's any? Or could I just ask him to coax me if he feels like to? "You need to tell me what you want to do cuz I will never guess what you want." This is what he said today. Though I didn't feel I was asking him guess, what he said just makes me think over and over.

Did I protect him too much by not letting him exposed to girl's emotion? I feel bad when he looks in a flurry, not knowing what to do, or even when he saying I am sorry. Then I simply tell him, "it's fine, it's ok", and then pack my emotions back into my heart. Should I just encourage him take the risk of being around emotional feelings, not just saying " I don't know what to say" "I don't know what to do" "I have no experience" "It's hard for men", and then knowing I would let him pass?
Or even, stopping telling me what happened in his previous relationship, but starting face what might happen between us. Rather than telling me their hard time of parting, expecting me not doing this to him, giving me pressure of "you better not do this" "oh, no, it's happening again", could he just look at me, face OUR relationship, and let us work on our own way of departing? I know I need to think about ways to minister him, not doing things from my own need or desire, and I am willing to do that and I think I am trying. I definitely don' wanna be look like the only person who wants the other person's accompanying.

I guess I was down because I was so excited I could spend my whole Saturday and Sunday with him according to our previous plan. Driving is tiring, but it wasn't that I don't wanna drive down to him. And I actually feel I don't want him drive too much, I almost not set my mind at ease for him driving up here, or take 2 hours simply driving me back home and go back. Ha. I guess this really shows I worry too much about him and being too protective. He's an adult. Come on. He will be fine. :) And, he would be fine by listening to my feelings. I believe he's matured enough to know my feelings and not be hurt. Well, I actually hope my words and expression way are matured enough not being harmful. The most silly thing for me to do would be hurting him unconsciously by using another language. Sigh...I just wish my English could be more better.
However, I was still so excited when he said I could go down WHENEVER I want tomorrow. That simple sentence tells me a lot how he values me. By knowing that, I just easily become happy again. (well, is this also kinda silly? )

On my way driving back, actually all thoughts I wrote here would not be a problem if MINISTERING the other is the goal in a relationship. I didn't really go through again all my thoughts tonight to distinguish which parts was driven by desire and which part actually could help him grow and serve him. Though we are different, though we figure out some difference between us today, though I cried today, thought I haven't figured out what would be the best way for me to say love language to him now, I still need to praise Lord for bring him into my life. He's really a great and amazing man. And to be honest, probably he's the best one I've ever met. :) Not saying I want to marry him in the future, but just really admire him and feel "God, you're so good to make this person in this world.".

My scratching his back whenever I found my hands free, my trying to say nices words to him ( and writing in cards in case of me feeling embarrased when saying that ) are the two things now I remember in mind his preference for accepting love. ( Service, Time and Gifts, I remember he said he doesn't really need these...right? I even not dare to give him gift after he said so....@@ ----> that's really funny )

Ok. Being myself. Loving God. Doing right things. Working on relationshp seriously and rightly. Always bringing this to God.
Though looks like so many uncertainty in half year, (I even remind myself again and again, it probably would end in 6 months), though looks no direction to go, no end of the road, and it IS not easy, God stills in control, right ? Do you think God's powerful enough to handle this? Surely He is. Then do whatever you could do, pray for it and give it to Him.

Now, go to bed. And we could enjoy beach view tomorrow?
Sounds perfect!