Talk

Tried no calls, no emails for two days on purpose. (though understanding his reason for suggesting this, I still feel bad. why is that? do I still interpret it as he doesn't want me around him? Well, he said he doesn't want anyone being emotionally attached to him. Cuz it's not good to either of one. THIS IS NOT SWEET (and a bad communication way to women, I guess). and actually this would cause me trying not attached to him purposely no matter what level I am now. )
Tonight, we 還是had a call at the end.
I thought he won't call when seeing it's already gonna be 11pm.
I was thinking in my mind, how long this call he want it to be? 10 min?
I thought about Freya and Mike always call each other every night around 11pm, and have maybe half hour to one hour chat, then go sleep after saying good night to each other. Was that nice? How come (I feel) he doesn't need this kind of thing?
Maybe we were just still figuring out our own compatible schedule?

It was so hurting.
After Tuesday night's talk, I was hurt badly.
I guess he didn't aware of that. and he probably didn't mean that. (he said, if there's something I feel so wrong, don't believe that, cuz it probably is misunderstanding. Everything he said was from good intention.) ---> this looks/sounds sweet now. ha.
But, I actually try to clarify what I heard on Tuesday night then. I ask why you said it's a sacrifice. I knew I was so shock that I even trembled. I stayed cool and asked him to explain that again. But it wasn't a satisfying answer. He still sounds so distant from me. And he simply looks not want to work on our relationship anymore, and that irritated me.

After today's call, yep, I guess we clarified some misunderstanding. Though I still think he didn't really understand the whole thing.

He actually has unrealistic dream about "dating", just like Mick's first dream.
Mick ended up telling me that was an unrealistic dream, and he didn't appreciate that either.
I don't know would Joe thinks about this too or not.

I was so discouraged that I even feel pretty ready to give up.
I didn't really wanna give up. But simply seeing his frustrating expression on Tuesday night, makes me interpreate that as he's ready to give up this relationship at any minute. That was so hurting and makes me feel unrespected.
I am trying, though there's so many things we need to work on, how can you easily withdrawl your emotion?

I really can sense the anger and resentment inside my mind these two days. I can't even really think through the whole thing cause that was too hurting. I feel rejected, and being look down. I guess what Dad did to me that night, hurt me so much that I feel Joe's doing the same thing to me. That's why I asked he did he really like me or not.

Praying is the only I can do when I can't keep thinking our relationship. I told God I feel angry and hurt, but I don't wanna hurt him and I don't know how can I avoid hurting him. He just looks so fragile that he can't be exposed to any negative emotions. He would treat that as girls' problem while I actually feel he's too afraid to face it and solve the problem with me. What's wrong? Does he need some more help about his previous relationship wound? He can't keep setting up rules in front of us, and warn me not doing the same thing to him as she did before. It's not fair and not right. I even don't have any chance to express myself or explain my reason before he gets stressed and frustrated.

I still say by myself, let's meet this weekend. Though I thought about not seeing each other for these days, kind of as a "punishment" ( I guess it's not a proper word to use here...:( bad English) to him. I want him feel me disappeared in his life. If he actually feels no difference, then I won't stay in this kind of relationship. I guess then we should back to casual dating or even just being friends. ( This situatino means me not showing up, and he does nothing with it. no calls, no emails, don't need me at all, not attached to me AT ALL).
Oh, right. He should stop saying he feels me attached to him. That was so annoying....@@. and that would stop my own feelings actually.
@@ The hurt thing comes from, I would feel he's not attracted by me so he doesn't feel attached to me, so that means he doesn't like me, and my affection to him is not appreciated.
( He probably would say, it's all your interpretation....... ) (sigh)

He wants we all have our own lives. Not our lives are each other.
Make sense. but if I am not in your life, you are not in my life at all. are we still gf and bf?
Then it will back to Mick's dream. I want her show up only when I need her show up. -----> WRONG for sure!

Fine. 難解習題
If he's not going to work on this, I will give up too.
Me being too much attached to him? sorry, I don't like this kind of role. I won't do it.
Keep saying this? I will try my best not doing this.

----> sounds so childish?!

But, while I give up my reserve, and tell him everything single feeling I have, how can he simply say it's difficult for him to share?

That's frustrating too!

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Forget it!

You know what?
one 2.5 dollar card makes me feel expensive too.
I am so poor....