Conversation

Having conversation is trying to understand how he thinks and where does that idea come from. I need to be more open and willing to listen, but not take words or statements, absorb too quickly. Otherwise, when emotions kick in, I will need comfort and assurance, and that makes the situation become complex.

We face the situation that we both seem can't understand what the other tries to say. I tried to explain this is how I heard and felt. Why I don't think it's right, I expect he will understand my perspective and understand how hurt I was. I expected he understands me, while he expected I agree with him. He probably also expected I would understand him and agree with him. Maybe apologize more of what I said?

I thought about I should have told him clearly that the last statement he made in the car was not funny to me. He might try to ease the atmosphere, but that was hitting my family wound, and I gave him a bad response. After that when he asked me if I was mad, I "honestly" said yes, and he jumped to I should appreciated him spending time talking, but not get mad at him. Maybe that's something can be avoided if I told him clearly that I am not in the joking mode. That joke is not funny?

I keep trying to express starting a relationship is one thing we both agree and want to pursue. Please don't say the time you spent with me is a sacrifice. I don't know what I missed, but he couldn't really understand that. It hurts when he think I didn't show appreciation to him then he said he could have spent the time to work and he could make money. Did I interpret something here?

He said I could have my own problem not necessary his problem. So, when I want to talk at a inconvenient time, he could say no. If I don't appreciate his giving me time to talk, he could have not spent time with me and think about himself. While I agree part of this statement, the other part of this statement sounds "purposefully." At the end, if a person never wants to care about how the other person thinks/feels about the relationship, isn't that relationship already dead?

I am still struggling with the "getting upset" thing. I keep telling myself anger doesn't hurt me, anger doesn't mean I am a bad person. But, it's hard. I still have the fantasy that someone who likes/loves me won't get angry while we talk about serious stuff. And I didn't get annoyed, immature or acting childish, did I?

Relationship is so hard. Having this period of time of not talking to him and keeping things to myself seems so distant from our closeness. Am I killing the relationship?

My heart hurts when seeing him feeling sick but I can't do anything. He's not needy and want me to keep him accompany. He is not that type that is used to eat what I used to eat when feeling sick. He isn't the type having lots of oranges then will get better. He's not the type that I can act like a mom said, drink this, go to bed. He said he doesn't want people telling him to do this and not to do this. I guess he must miss his mom.

I feel sad that I can't be more helpful. Maybe it's good that he doesn't need me. But I hope he needs me. Let me share his pain and let me help him with something. It almost feels like seeing him "dying", but I can't do anything. Not even be the person he would cry to.

Chill off. Be prepared.

Old Testament Introduction

舊約概論的課 總是把我整得很慘
I've been reading several Ezekiel commentaries, but still couldn't get the big picture of the answers of my midterm questions. Trying to focus on learning about God is the way I use to encourage myself. Sometimes I just pause and stop, hope the thinking process can make my steps and heart more steady and assured.

The Bible is hard. My next admiring models are OT scholars!

六塊錢的燒臘

今天開著相當於台北到新竹的距離
去gap幫姐買去店裡撲空、上網查又打電話追蹤、續打電話要求保留的洋裝。
早上還先繞去辦公室拿簽證申請的文件
像小工蟻一樣一路不停的跑跑跑
好累

中午冒著快遲到的風險
心一橫的想要買燒臘吃

燒臘..動輒五塊多的便當在現在的生活裡是奢侈
昨晚幫生病發燒的Judo買晚餐加開特利好退燒
已經花掉十多塊..
今天假裝那些錢只是小意思
真的真的很想要去買燒臘


先是Azusa 一路又施工，車速遲緩
再來是開60 W 去Rowland heights結果下錯交流道
繞回來到了Nogalas的plaza竟然沒看到幾個月前無意間發現的燒臘店！
超級失望
問了旁邊快可利的小工讀生
轉到對面三和去 我還是買了一個六塊多的油雞飯

衝回Brea上課
一路上肚子好餓
課堂間把Janet作的忘記名字的left over塞進嘴裡
想說晚一點就可以吃大餐了

結果
三和的飯也太噁心難吃了吧
怎麼可以把飯弄得那麼噁心阿
一點都不了解

anyway...Judo生病中
嚴肅話題暫時停擺
還蠻想念他的
現在連擁抱都被提醒小心傳染
快點好起來吧 ...猴子喊話

Wednesday

Today was pretty unproductive.
I didn’t want to study, read, and learn.
What was the problem?
I want to finish my work-paper, paper, hw, discussion and paper. I am so struggling with relationships. Know what? The counseling and phone call from Eric really makes me laugh at myself. I have my struggles too! (*laugh*)

Maybe someone will think my personality and my tendency is really sweet. Almost carve that person in my heart immediately. Kinda silly, I think. If people use the commitment card, I will lose totally. Eric has his weakness; maybe this is mine.
Guess will label this as another God’s special moment….

Had some conversation with Sean about church and saddleback this morning. Hearing Ping’s going upstairs sound, I ended the conversation really quick and kind of awkward. Guess what, he sent me email saying he would like to know more about saddleback! That already surprised me a lot. And..in the afternoon, he stopped me when I approach the refrigerator and asked me if I check my email often!! Wow!! He was waiting for my reply! Ohohohoh! God you’re so great! Again, I don’t want to compete with other church or make it seems like saddleback is the best church ever. However, if God wants to strengthen or challenge him through saddleback, please continue bless our conversation and relationship! Praise to be the Lord!

想

我想念你 想著你

我總是像藏不住秘密的孩子
喜歡嚷嚷我的喜歡
喜歡纏著你 常常

你說得對
一直到兩個月前
我才真正了解了一邊工作一邊上學有多難
以前的我 談的都是校園戀愛
我好習慣好習慣 有人隨時在身旁

如果 體諒你的過去 是你想要的
你也可以 體諒我的過去嗎？

Claudia都忍不住提醒我
總是要留點空間 讓你來追我和在意我呀
我總覺得我搞得很混亂 是不是

我想你 想你阿
想可以放開顧忌
撒嬌大笑或是裝傻裝可愛
我有好多好多積很久的女孩脆弱
我猶豫著想著
好像 這些都不是大女孩該有的

Minie說過 男人要的是女人 不是女孩
我也讀過
不應該在戀愛裡療成長的傷
可是 我好像 還是作不到

我把 工作簽證
當成祕密藏起來了
我可能是在賭氣 也可能不知道該怎麼辦

今天又哭又笑
好多不同的情緒

我想你 想念著你

Counsel, or advice to friend

It's interesting to me that I can see myself using some counseling skills when talking to friends. One special guy friend usually calls me when he has relationship problems. (yep, surprises me too.) I listen and make those uh-um sound, ask before I give advices or thoughts from my perspective. Now I know that even earlier in the conversation with Song why I rejected a lot of his ideas and input before. Hee. (so I just chat for something funny, never really want to know what his ideas are.)

Same struggles come out of surface again and again.
I don't know if I can use follow principles that well if I am by myself. Surely I would love to carry those principles in my life. Um...I don't know.

Relationships always make people sad, aren't they?
He's a good guy, but just need to make some change.
Hope he can find the modified way soon and has a great relationship in the future.

三個禮拜

三個禮拜後
我的神學院生涯就要告一段落了

看著小壞blog上寫著 “成功富裕的日子“
我要更努力的清醒搖頭 那不是我的目標 period

從小待的家
不算貧癠 物質不曾缺乏
雖然也沒有被驕縱到名牌披身 山珍海味
但是沒有餓凍受飢
更因為老爸想要追求的享受
開眼界看過不少東西

然後
上大學以後開始清醒
出國以後更加澄明
原來他們追求的路都不是永恆都不夠無悔奉獻一生
然後
我開始間或的被社會價值 家人期許 親朋較勁 peer pressure
擠壓、嘲弄、質疑 和輕視

我問Judo
你怎麼能那麼清楚的知道賺六七位數不是你的目標
當大家都在想賺大錢住大屋開大車
你怎麼那麼不會被影響 覺得名稱title就是一切

他說
他看過了真正社會的蕭瑟 那種空虛沒有意義的空轉
所以他會冒險 他不要play safe
反而是要試很多夢想
特別是God給他了那麼多不可多得的才華

我有時想起大學同窗的聿宸
想起伊甸時代的話晴
她們都是從內裡美得令我覺得光彩逼人
另一位大學時代名牌珠寶掛滿身軀的學妹 反而變成我用來警惕自己的例子

前幾天 我要Judo再跟我說一遍他當年從亞洲回來找工作經歷的故事
聽完敘述
我輕輕說 這真是很鼓勵人的好故事
他說 是嗎 輕輕摸摸我的頭

我希望我也會成為一個驚艷人的好故事
至於我的萬貫嘛...

一百倍的所有東西
我等著有一天要在天堂好好瞧仔細

Progress

The counseling session went super well today.
Counselee's smile and expression at the end totally blows me away. We thank God for working in the lives.

In the one hour supervision group, I strangely feel the sense of independent, assurance, and approval feeling. There are seconds that I was thinking this is how it feels when I am doing something and working on something. Being myself, Contributing myself, just myself. And I am myself, a person who got acknowledged, complimented, and accepted.

Linda shared her theory about kids. The adorable one, the can-not-let-go stage, then are-you-18-yet period. Shelli laughed as we both see the upcoming of next stage. Another laughing moment is the suddenly awaken moment of shouldn't get married and shouldn't have kids. Again everyone laughs. "That's so normal," we concluded.

That probably doesn't really help.
I don't know.

Anyway. Nice counseling day. And the phone call follow up went pretty well too.

心痛

早起談那種 嚴肅話題
之後 總是心痛

總是疼到一種想要放肆大哭
卻很委屈沒有人愛的那種感覺

Judo說是公主病
我想..是心裡還是沒有接受作個成年人吧

當Judo開玩笑的說著where is the I don't say anything but I like you thing?
我壓著痛 負氣的說 I don't have a dad.
是痛著的。只是我不知道他懂不懂

win me back, pursue me 追求我 討我歡心
他說 那誰討我歡心 誰為了讓我開心而忙？
就打結了

我並不知道怎麼下去

我想到分手 想到我們可能到頭來還是很多不想相讓的地方
我知道一定有很多我的想法是不成熟的
dating 是大女生的玩意兒
不是小女孩要討哄撒嬌用的
要人哄要人撒嬌 all the time 是爸爸的工作吧
是嗎
而我沒有
period
是往事不能追憶 過去不能改變
請 接 受
的結局。

可以大哭
但是不可以進到relationship裡去討

我懷疑著
我能不能成熟
能不能 真的成為一個女人

或者 當一個男人願意那樣作
他either 是personality type 不同
或是已經被不對的觀念制約了
我不知道

我按下了email的傳送鍵
我覺得我把自己賣了
賣給 一個要放進小時的一種不一樣的模式
如果visa下不來
就再說吧

我今天的快樂
是在supervision小房間裡
好獨立好成熟的那種遊刃感
是今天counselee讚嘆的聽我說我自己也有我的struggle
但是她很開心的說 這很helpful 遠大於她的設想

我會不會
沒有辦法跳脫想要被呵護coaxing pampering all the time的慾望
我變得靜了
可以靜靜的看著God
沒有addiction
沒有自己想辦法輕哄
我就看著上帝
然後 笑 然後起身

Study. my Night

Celebration of discipline, sexual addiction, drug abuse treatment....
Several books fly inside of my rooms.
Pretty.

晚上吧
深夜就寄出信吧？
選擇留在公司跟作programming可能是懶惰不想搞清楚的好方法
可能必須要把還是喜歡他 覺得這條路會幫助未來很現實的層面放在一邊
但是好像我又不應該把這項考慮進來

其他路像是 問Bob是不是過了期限還可以申請intern
問問Jack Fuller的MFT是怎麼樣的情形 用些什麼書
我說不定有點忌妒 還有點想要證明
要是我去念那個科系 不就是找實習 然後就可以找工作嗎？
應該不會太難阿？

（因為最難的都已經在教會磨鍊過了咩...）

所以
現在的想法是
忽略有男朋友這件事嗎？
拿簽證 賺錢 回學校 當therapist?
就可以賺更多錢嗎？這是什麼邏輯

不知道在怕怕什麼
是 Judo到底在意我多少嗎？

the Courageous

Judo gave me a card said I am the courageous.

Last night by one tiny probing question, he told me several thoughts that I never know about. "Closed", the processing center in me ordered this command.

I recalled the idea of blaming people to get the sense of power concept from a book I just read days ago. Vividly I emptied my mind just to kick out the idea of being stressed and worried. "Aren't we supposed to just trust and believe? let go and let God?" I played the 'God is in control' card in my mind game. Also trying to suppress the feelings that friend gave me after I shared the negotiation during hiking. "They are not listening!" I judge in my mind. Probably knowing this could not be a 100 percent valid statement. I just closed the subject since no one had any feedback and let their other conversation take place.

It was the feeling of being keeping out of the loop really irritates me. I see myself playing the grabbing power plot, say "you can take your time putting things off or dealing with your concern and fear. I have my time table too. I will make a decision on xxx day. I am not waiting for you." .....Maybe inside of me still kind of getting hurt from this whole thing. Bringing up some idea then let it go without further detail of plan. Not knowing what's ahead. Being told that he hasn't thought about our relationship and plan. Realizing that it's not being taken care of. It was just sitting there. period.

I must had been angry. And I said, "who told you that I am going to marry you no matter how?"

Isn't that just a statement that I want to feel I still have the power? Maybe just to express anger or ...sadness... or I interpreted those concerns as I am not good and qualified.

God, if we just choose something simple, will life be easier? or we will regret that this is a waste of life?

Forgive to live

I finally open the book, "forgive to live" one month after receiving it. I know I have not trained myself act and respond in a stressful situation regarding making decisions. It is so much easier and familiar for me to point fingers at others because I am already paralyzed by the fear, stress, unknown and consequence from past and upcoming consequence.

Though I didn't have many available brain cells analyzing how much material in that book is original or just paraphrase what I already knew. Reading some paragraphs from the "My life is your fault" chapter helps me look at my current situation and my options. Calmed down.

I could and I see myself so want to just say, ok, my parents didn't help me grow making decisions. They even "made" me make decisions that they think is the best. Now...see ...all these.....Another one I can play is pointing at bf for all decisions that he could have made differently. The book was right with it makes me feel powerful at the beginning. But then deep powerless afterwards.

Anyway, no time for a good article. Just to record that sometimes having one of these books helps! I do have choices to make my life keep growing better at this point. I can look forward to see what change I can make and what decisions I can choose instead of thinking how others ruined my could-be-better life before.

Another reminder is, my life purpose is greater than a visa. Walking out of the office without the offer is not something that will kill me. God is richer than Michael, and He certainly won't be defeated by merely this amount of money. Think it from a good way, after I go through this, I can be a person with "negotiation experience". On top of that, "to a Chinese person, whose culture is known for bad at negotiating but still have relationships afterward". After this, I will be more "sharp" in knowing what I want, and what I don't want. This could be something good!

And.
I can learn C# by myself, because I have already done it in these 2 months!

Summary

Sis's email excited me a lot this morning.

My emotion changes dramatically within couple hours- depending on what I am thinking about or what I am telling God about.

Tired.

Don't like the torn between feeling. It will go away. Hang in there.

Do you like me? Do you love me?
I don't like my psychological analysis of myself.

Couple more ideas about my attitudes toward those Chinese people in the office.
Feelings about battling for myself.
Feelings of being a solider.
Feelings about revenge, resentment.
Feelings about--I don't feel safe either.

Courage

I don't like that I need to be courageous.
And I don't like that I need to do it anyway because this is the right way and only way.
And I don't like that I don't like to be courageous making decisions.
(yep...you can start a tongue twister.)

Actually I felt like a solider going to battle when driving this morning. Thinking the negotiation may surprise Michael and imagine his face may look really funny. Maybe that is another way to cheer me up, I guess.

I did remember when leaving church office on Tuesday, the dream I told God once again. "IN CASE you forgot", I tried to be funny. "This is my dream", I turned my head looking at the building once again walking toward my car.

And the scenario sounds nice, right? Can't deny it.

:( I know I need to make decision.
I made a crappy list last night, but seemed to be not clear enough though.

Why am I so good at the negative thinking?
Uh? Uh? Why? Why?

And it sounds like I am still resisting growing up, being an adult!!

pre-marital counseling stress

I may have been mad at myself unconsciously, though it looks like I am upset with him. Guess it is because it’s easier to point fingers on others than myself.
Yep, he has his plan, thinking, stress all that. I CHOSE to live with it. That was my own decision. It feels like I am now mad at myself I didn’t take care of myself well enough before. When there was a timing issue, plan issue, I could have let him be the leader as he requested, but at the same time I should have my own boundaries- aka, consequences decided by me.
The bottom-line is I am still myself, by myself, not affiliated with anyone else. So I should have thought about what would be my next move if he didn’t do certain thing at certain time. But, I didn’t think about that. And I am now mad at me didn’t handle it correctly. It feels like I didn’t take care of myself well to use the “ring or bye” power.
Now seeing and feeling the shocks, surprises, and uncertainness of marriage not only brings excitement, stress, panic, but also triggers the anger and resentment.
It looks like against him—you are the one who didn’t do it right, who failed me, who brought me stress and disappointment…..
But it may actually against myself—I am the one who failed myself, disappointed myself, and am seeing the consequences of that coming to me.

Recently. Couseling. Job.

Chundra asked me if pre-marital counseling makes me feel excited and happy. Well..not quite. It’s mixed feelings of excitement, surprises, scary and disappointed. (…ok. Maybe a bit hurt too.)
Excitement and surprise come from the acknowledgement that , wow, is this coming? He did kinda want to marry me?
Scary comes from the one of two outcomes: engaged or breaking up.
Disappointed and hurt come from the realization that he didn’t put much thoughts into the plan before. And also, the atmosphere of presenting a business deal, not emotional, romantic and sweet at all.
I’ve been praying about this for these days. I told God that I already shared my disappointment and hurt with Joe and he apologized for the consequence that makes me feel I am not valued and prioritized. I know I should have forgiven completely and I know I am willing to do that, but I was murmuring to God that last time he mentioned about marriage was like this too. And the last time he mentioned about pre-marital counseling, I was told to ask for details. Though I felt awkward, little afraid, I still went to Sarah and Sue asking the details and brought the information back to him. Then silence. Nothing happened. Almost feels like he totally forgot that. There was a period of time of…”what is the deal kind of feeling.” Then I really let go and think I need to trust that he has his plan in mind.

And now, I am recalling the past memory to complain to God. “See, isn’t that should confirm the hurt feeling more ?” Stupid? Maybe.
Asking wisdom and clarification to see what’s underneath that. Haven’t figured out yet. What was going on with the “suppressing counseling to be not excited? ” Should I quickly adjust myself out of the “this feels like I am being asked to go to find out if we will break up. Because we are not talking about engagement. He didn’t propose. He didn’t even just casually tell me, he would like to marry me and he would like to move on to the next step in order to make the commitment happen.” Not any of that. If I should, what’s holding me back?
I do know he cares about me. He was even more considerate than me suggesting we go meet sis’s bf in the airport. He even cares more about my possible family member-to-be than me. He being available for me letting me asking him his idea about my future plan. He almost always willing to check my articles and mails before I officially use them. ..
Um…
I would like to take easy way out just say, it is all because of the monthly period, so I am more easily to be affected by any single thing. I can get moody, emotional, fragile emotionally…… And, there are other external factors too…job offer, lawyer, visa, find new job….
Back to the old question, what do I want to do with my life? What do my life look like without him? Have I clearly thought through already? Like Claudia said, if I can’t stand for myself, then I am not ready for marriage yet.

緊緊

我把你緊緊抱著 抱得緊緊的

我哄你說這樣眼淚就不會掉了
你悶著聲 輕輕的顫抖著
你忍著 那讓我捨不得的委屈

你說那感覺像是被拒絕了
我輕輕拍著你
你說 你知道不等於 但是你覺得好像是被大辣辣的劃上不及格不夠優秀的標記
你說 你怕 怕你不夠厲害 但只是一直都不肯承認
我順著你的頭髮 聽你說著
你說 好像是又一次的不知道未來的計畫和路是什麼
好像又一次好努力的拼 可是結果跟自己想的不一樣
你說 好像抓不住的東西越來越多 不知道要怎麼辦了

你的眼淚越掉越多
我擦不及 就見它掉了下來..