Conversation

Having conversation is trying to understand how he thinks and where does that idea come from. I need to be more open and willing to listen, but not take words or statements, absorb too quickly. Otherwise, when emotions kick in, I will need comfort and assurance, and that makes the situation become complex.

We face the situation that we both seem can't understand what the other tries to say. I tried to explain this is how I heard and felt. Why I don't think it's right, I expect he will understand my perspective and understand how hurt I was. I expected he understands me, while he expected I agree with him. He probably also expected I would understand him and agree with him. Maybe apologize more of what I said?

I thought about I should have told him clearly that the last statement he made in the car was not funny to me. He might try to ease the atmosphere, but that was hitting my family wound, and I gave him a bad response. After that when he asked me if I was mad, I "honestly" said yes, and he jumped to I should appreciated him spending time talking, but not get mad at him. Maybe that's something can be avoided if I told him clearly that I am not in the joking mode. That joke is not funny?

I keep trying to express starting a relationship is one thing we both agree and want to pursue. Please don't say the time you spent with me is a sacrifice. I don't know what I missed, but he couldn't really understand that. It hurts when he think I didn't show appreciation to him then he said he could have spent the time to work and he could make money. Did I interpret something here?

He said I could have my own problem not necessary his problem. So, when I want to talk at a inconvenient time, he could say no. If I don't appreciate his giving me time to talk, he could have not spent time with me and think about himself. While I agree part of this statement, the other part of this statement sounds "purposefully." At the end, if a person never wants to care about how the other person thinks/feels about the relationship, isn't that relationship already dead?

I am still struggling with the "getting upset" thing. I keep telling myself anger doesn't hurt me, anger doesn't mean I am a bad person. But, it's hard. I still have the fantasy that someone who likes/loves me won't get angry while we talk about serious stuff. And I didn't get annoyed, immature or acting childish, did I?

Relationship is so hard. Having this period of time of not talking to him and keeping things to myself seems so distant from our closeness. Am I killing the relationship?

My heart hurts when seeing him feeling sick but I can't do anything. He's not needy and want me to keep him accompany. He is not that type that is used to eat what I used to eat when feeling sick. He isn't the type having lots of oranges then will get better. He's not the type that I can act like a mom said, drink this, go to bed. He said he doesn't want people telling him to do this and not to do this. I guess he must miss his mom.

I feel sad that I can't be more helpful. Maybe it's good that he doesn't need me. But I hope he needs me. Let me share his pain and let me help him with something. It almost feels like seeing him "dying", but I can't do anything. Not even be the person he would cry to.

Chill off. Be prepared.