第一學期結束

第一學期的seminary終於結束了。坐在最後一堂的theology教室裡，聽著大家報告Final project，
我心裡竟然覺得自己真是個lower-achiever。....

這學期的自己到底轉在哪一個時空，實在也說不清楚。看著Jan,看著兩個Josh,看著Lisa, Jimbo, Victor, 各式各樣的報告和專題，竟然心裡壓力好大。大到我語帶保留的不知道要怎麼樣給自己台階下的感覺---在自己的世界裡。

現在要清楚的知道，自己的生活、時間怎麼安排，自己的成長要在哪裡努力，可是沒有人端著菜單來叫你吃的。以前的我太被動了。在這裡待了三年半，大概也不能在用英文當作藉口了吧。加油呀！這一聲鼓勵竟然帶著很沈重的憂心。

「我不要比別人差！」相信這應該是我心裡最想喊的聲音吧！你一定要加油。＊喔捏該依稀嗎私＊（bow）

Confidentiality

Pondering about writing some thoughts down or not for a while. I was concerned about the strict confidentiality requirement could be easily broken. Bob said, even to spouse, he said nothing, no body language or sign. Completely nothing! That's what he wants us to do. If you have some thoughts, go to supervision group and talk about it. You can get feedback, and you can give your opinion to others. I guess that's true. Therefore, I will just limit this sharing here to be my own growth and my experience of exploding another ministry.

吵架

又是吵架了吧。
雖說總在當下解決了，擁抱了。那種被逮個正著的悶還是在的說。
總是很快的把所有的不順利通通連在一起，
一次發洩的哭，連自己都感覺到了太過頻繁的悲戚。

大概是每一次和別人談起、複述起的遺毒吧。
總是心疼心裡面的小小夢想，那個再也不會實現的小夢想。

他今天說，我是不是已經可以決定放棄那個可以為所欲為的願望，
還是那是我才能快樂的唯一方法。
他說，我常常一頭栽進自己的情緒，不顧他的感受，
一直要到他板起臉了，開始frustrated了，我才會停下來。

他好像說得一點也沒錯，我以前大概也都是這麼荼毒峰的吧。

好難。知道對的是什麼，但是在做的時候，都好難。

今晚不睡了。
一個月前就知道我會把自己搞成這付德行。
13頁的paper，寫得就算再爛也要掰出來，寫吧。

書寫

突然想要再次開始書寫記錄。想要記下和*honey*的點滴。
我還是不想動用他的中文名字，也不是很想沿用他中國朋友稱他的綽號，
我要慢慢研究出一個我的他的名字。

沒花時間細想各種目前被問過、挑戰過的問題，
總是把他當作萬事通。
或許我也來認真想想，偶爾跟他討論，事先準備一下，這樣我就不會常常把自己陷入窘境了。

回頭來寫中文吧。
就一點點的寫下來，像是以前一樣。
想想自己過了很久想要對方看到我的文字時能小小感動，
或許是因為這樣，之前的我，總是提不起勁寫文字。

英文的世界像是有他陪了，說話說得再爛都不害羞害怕。
跟其他人就不同，甚至Lynn可以聽懂中文我都偶爾顯得尷尬。
中文的世界像是變成自己獨立一樣，非常有趣和以前比起恰恰相反。
或許，這可以是另一個，我學習獨立成長的地方--以前讓我自在徜徉的中文書寫地方。

註:今天是感恩節喔。

上課

今天蹺家沒有當小跟班24hr待命照顧Lynn
結果剛剛打電話回去，竟然只有Lynn在家啦...:(
真慘。
有那種自己沒有盡到責任的感覺。

跑到Joe的課堂來，只是想要看他present的樣子。
之前唯一一次看到他present好像是在一個為China mission集合的聚會。
當時的我們，才剛剛開始展開casual dating呢。

這個老師是在係上“素負盛名“的一個。我的感覺反而是他很想一個諧星!
還是有一些話聽不懂，沒能全部跟上老師和同學的討論，
不過，他們的上課氣氛，跟我以往有過的經驗真的是完全迥然的不同阿。
不過話說回來，跟seminary的一些課是有點像的，however,我不覺得seminary上課的setting是課說!
一整個是習慣問題吧。

大概在我的想法裡面，還是是要有那種solid的數學、公式之類的比較像上課，
恩..不懂。

惡整

剩下一個多禮拜就要交報告了
還是一個子兒都沒碰
我分明是在整自己

哎
十點二十分的早晨
還是半哄半騙才去洗了頭 讓自己清醒一點
困在這個地方真怪
要"照顧"病人也讓我覺得很怪
因為自己一下子需要做事
一下子不需要
我一點也不知道應該怎麼辦

主耶穌你在不在

照顧

Lynn's surgery recovery is more painful than I expected. I always feel relieved when her friends come over, since they will fill in the space and quietness, or maybe say, peace? I felt I don't know how to make her be more relaxed or less painful.

I guess I need to go buy more ice?

我會的聊天法，永遠都只是把自己的故事拿出來講一講。所以，我跟Lynn說昨天吵架的事。不知道是不是一點也不出乎我的意料，她超級幫女生講話，認為男生應該要了解meet up女生的需求和渴望，但相對的是，女生要比較concrete的講出自己的需要。

我想，我還是會adopt John&Claudia的意見。他們兩個似乎根本就像是我們兩個迥然不同的個性，但是他們不護著任何一方，印象中就是告訴我們他們當年是怎麼樣的克服那些摩擦的痛。然後我們也就會乖乖的聽到我們各自需要改進的地方。

Anyway,我喜歡我們溝通的方法。講到快打結會一起讚嘆上帝怎麼可以把人造得那麼不一樣，再一起疼惜的數著我們有的祝福和恩典。

fight

還是吵了這一架
不知道是幾個月以來 終於又一次這樣子任性的"play game"
知道自己還是避不了
有那種山雨欲來的感覺在心裡延燒

現在心裡好多的心疼和不捨
他知道我也知道
我知道什麼是對的 但是我不願意去做
還是想要他收走所有的責備
他做那個對的動作 說那個magic word

【為什麼我要punish他呢】
我想了很久
給了他我自己心裡知道的答案

當他在我繼續想要爭論
把我圈在懷裡時
我心裡劇烈的疼痛了起來
責怪自己一直這樣子驕縱著
想要挑戰所有的"rules"

You want me to make up all the hurts you had.
But I can't do all of them. I can't do that all the time.
這句話超級震動我的心
原來他有看見 他也懂
而且他多努力的在呵護我
努力的想要給我更多

冰箱裡碩大的草莓
明天早上可以用剩下的牛奶
攪拌他今天刻意用心對我的好

要珍惜喔

中文和英文的迷失

我們或許都有迷失在當中的經驗吧。
當我接起電話，故意的說「早安」而不是「good morning」；
當我嘟起嘴，用彆腳的口音速度，說你跟不上的中文心情。

我有點擔心，這可能會是讓我找不到安全感的原因之一，
well, 我收回這句話，並不是應該在這裡找安全感的，這樣的語句太過於以偏概全、失之公允。
我只是，想要你懂，偶爾我只能用中文觸及的關心和情感。
當我想要找一個只有你才能用的小名，當我心裡滿塞著心疼與感激，當我想要說我只懂中文的俏皮可愛話語，
我做不到，我沒辦法用我的方法拉進我們的距離。

11162007

覺得有那麼一絲絲的格格不入。

那種把心裡的想法翻出來、轉過去，撤頭徹尾詳細研究了、反省了，卻沒有另一個人懂的那種格格不入。
作好心理準備讓Minie劈我一頓，但是你知道嗎？連被罵的詼諧，我都不知道怎麼講出來，讓別人懂。

知道自己學了更多、懂了更多，於是很多期待和渴望都得事先經過一番琢磨，確定真正該往哪一邊派送快遞。通常，都不是他那邊！有時候，我實在覺得戀情太過於沈重，無關乎對方他人，只是心裡知道，根本還擔不起重擔，根本還不想獨立成熟為自己的情緒負責任！Larry曾說過的話也許太過精闢，「是你被呼召要一輩子服事的人」，聽起來很嚇人吧！不但不是進入這個領地得到你想要的，而是要進去付出、進去犧牲、進去為對方想。把對方的最大利益擱在心裡，時時刻刻用來當作取捨決定的準則。你可能已經感到相當不妙了：「那我自己怎麼辦」？

我懂。
從一個細膩善感女生的角度來分析，我懂。那種渴望被珍惜珍愛的吶喊，我懂。
只是那不是應該在戀愛裡尋找的。
有看到其中的不同嗎？你可以在戀愛中獲得，但那卻不是你進入戀愛的原因，不是你自己尋找要求來的。
簡而言之，找錯方向啦！

Meaning.Purpose.Life

There is a story on the newspaper says 19yr old freshman has the last stage liver cancer. I wondered how they view their lives at the very last minutes. They want to pursue their dreams, but frankly there's no dreams. "get married, raise parents"...and?

I looked at my life knowing I am blessed for the breath of this second. I really was up and down a lot among these days.

It's ok that family in Taiwan want to play cold. I cried when feeling abandoned but knowing my life needs to be something more meaningful than what they do to their lives.
I need courage to working on the right path.

Actually, I'm just trying to encourage myself keeping studying and seeking my SHAPE. Don't get affected that much from family. They have their own choices to deal with our problems and they are responsible for their choices. I don't have to change them and I can't. Therefore I don't need to worry about their decisions.

Still trying to fit into this world. I guess I am doing quite good. Even being a counselor should be something that I am proud of myself. People won't understand how hard it is to live using your second language. I want to be more active and willing to learn. Knowing Joe's almost the most perfect person in learning is not a pressure to me. Learn to embrace who I really am. He's brilliant and smart, I can just enjoy that blessings with him. Not pressure at all! I am the only one who can be me in the world.

Ahrrr!!! English!!!!
I can't even speak and write Chinese well....!

Counseling

Today is my first time starting seeing counselees.
It was HARD. Need to admit that their questioning of whether I am qualified or not doesn't make me feel good. Sitting there at some point, I don't even know how to pray for them.

Steve is leaving soon. How ironic, I find myself start liking him. Take today for example, I literally looked for him after my sessions, and was thinking in my mind wishing I can be half of good as him. Probably the interview session talking to him makes big difference. I really admire lots of people in Saddleback. God, help me grow more! Linda is another great example too. Carol is also great. I keep thinking people who end up seeing them are just so lucky. They are indeed great! Was I too nice and gentle? I don't know. God, this is your ministry. Do you really want me here?

I know you probably don't act like Dr. Laura, being blunt all the time. And I know the ultimate goal is helping them connect with God. I don't know.

Work harder, I guess. well, I wish I am more argumentative.

Passion

I gradually realize my passion is about people. I could spend hours wanting to know what has happened, and "what's your story". Even though it's more likely I would end up finding sad stories, when people made bad choices and maybe haven't aware of that, I still feel that's the realest thing in the world.

I had a great time meeting with Michael. Really great time. Not just because I did try intentionally become more active, involving in conversations, the relationship between Joe and him touches me a lot! I saw almost every aspect how this could counts as a big sacrifice, and I also saw how great this has impact Michael.

All those stories reminded me looking at the big picture, instead of my own problems. Yes, I do have hurt from family, and I have other problems in my past. I can just keep working on those things, and at the same time, trying to look upon my future, and embrace the world again. Love Rick's resentment and forgiveness messages a lot. Maybe I should journal down more, anyway.

I am so lucky to be here, to have him with me, and to gradually know where's my passion and goal serving God.

Veggie tales

Sweet Joe gave me the surprise today. :)
We had great time today going to SD with Michael today.
Listening to my veggie tales songs, I felt so blessed.
And meeting Michael let me admire Joe even more for he being a mentor to Michael, and really just caring about him. I really think this is a great example of how you use resource and money God gave you to bless other people.
We are not rich now, but I am sure God pleased what he chose to do.

He's so great! What an awesome guy!

Loving bf

I peeked another gift again.
Veggie Tales!!

How many times did I tell him I want to listen to them?
I remember he sings "because I love my duck" with me. The understanding, loving smile on his face. He ordered them on Amazon! Maybe he will now think letting me have the account ruins lots of his surprises! hee hee.

I have my superpen, and soon veggie tales. :P
And I have him, who is besides me, listening to my thinkings, ideas and feelings.
He's so smart and great!

Seriously, haven't seen any other man who's better than him.
Silly family feels he's not good enough. You Stupid! He's too good for you guys.

---

He lent me his blender, but I broke it without successfully using it even once. :(

Grateful

I am just being so lucky and blessed recently.

Though Joe was busying preparing GRE, he was still my biggest encourager of my pre-seminary panic symptom. Secretly peeking him browsing internet, trying to buy me a great translation pen, I pretended reading my Mission of Urban Church book but feeling so grateful and loved inside.

Last night, after celebrating his great success of GRE, I couldn't help but going back to my hurting. I learned to ask for his accompany, and hug. He was gentle and caring comforting me. What surprised me a lot was that he showed up at my door at midnight when I started crying badly again. He just simply let himself be available to me when I need him. That was such a great loving action.

Today is my first class. He knew I would love to go to the wedding with him, but I couldn't. He stopped by my place bringing me flowers and lots of treats. They are exactly what I casually mentioned before when we did the short shopping. He REMEMBERS them! He's always cutely being honest about his bad at remembering small talk. This time he really surprised me!

:) He said, "remember that you're a success!"

He must be still caring about my hurting from Dad. He's so nice and loving. How lucky I am...

Yep! I am a success!
Tonight, Prof. Shouse said it's really amazing that my English ability is so great since I only came here for a short time. He said I am the best one he's ever seen who came here post-college, and could be that great!

I am a success! God loves me! God gave me lots of blessings! I am loved!

Wedding

Ethel's old roommate is getting married today.
I really wish my class is on another day, then I would be able to attend too!

Janet's officially engaged yesterday.
I was speechless when getting her call. It's a little too quick for me, even know the first shocking was from the conversation in the office.

Congratulations!

At least they are the couples that I think are doing fine and good regarding the biblical principles of dating and marriage. There are so many depressing stories about other couples that are destroying their happiness and lives, but they just don't get it.

GRE

Joe did a great job in GRE test last Saturday.

I need to say, when he announced that he's gonna start studying it, and then plan to take it in 2 weeks, I was pretty shocked. Then I kept being impressed how diligent he is. Once he set his mind on, he will be really determined, and motivated. When I described my surprises to Lisa and Janet, they just nodded their heads, pretty understanding.

Then, without much surprise, he really did it well! :)

I love how Janet, one of the smartest person I've ever met, commented about Joe. Yep, he's truly amazing, though some stupid people don't know and think they know.

Fear

Somehow tears come with fear inside.
Isn't it true that you will always find someone who's just like your dad?
I am so shocked and "terrified" when seeing some of Dad's traits in him.
The "boss sermonizing" mode....

Feeling "tug-of-war“ inside of me.
"It's o.k, just accept the grown-up fact" v.s. "Wish someone treasure me, hold me with his hands."
Is that the little girl fantasy?
Wish someone who loves me really being caring and loving to me.

02092007

再五六年才會有可以流利用中文交談的一天
今天就先放假一下
自己說說中文吧

（是啊 真的是顧及他的感受
想要他都懂我在想啥
所以用不是那麼漂亮的英文努力的寫著
但是他其實也不會來看咩...）

去USC的job fair其實還不錯呢
（所以要趕快follow 一下...乖）
Samuel其實成熟的面對Joe
比我想像的揶揄好多了

其實蠻替他們難過的
唸書作研究但是其實不知道真正這一輩子要作什麼夢想
幾乎都是依照在學校學啥 現在正在作啥 而改變未來的夢想吧
在比較之下 （yep, under comparison）
Joe好清楚因為要怎麼服事 所以要受什麼訓練和裝備
而他們 就好空白

另一個就是結婚的事了
到底
我們是不是真的懂什麼才是好的relationship
即便我門是基督徒
其實我跟他的關係裡 我知道自己不斷被挑戰
挑戰放棄desire, 而轉向goal
放棄manipulation 要以miniter考量
這些很不容易 或著說 很多女生想被追求想要獲得的
其實都是manipulation 的東西 以及desire

要浪漫的plan
要禮物
要接送
要哄
要安慰
要輕言軟語
要甜美浪漫
要小驚喜
這些到底可以帶給女生什麼
只是舒服的感覺嗎

我其實不算很clearly的清楚
我知道就那種享受追求或是被捧在心上的角度來看
我現在學著走著的
並非如此
但是說不定那些既有印象其實不正確
所以我學習觀察 學習分析
學習講出想法感受一起討論
他不應該是活該多付出的人 我也不應該
所以要作你願意minitry對方的事情
並且以對方的好處benifit為考量
這是原則
然後加油
要接受和之前不一樣的東西 或是不熟悉的事物
總是難的

Um

Friends in my life seems to be fewer now.
Almost NO nice man in my friends list.
Sad?

Or, I just shouldn't have close male friends?
well, what I concern more was RIGHTOUS man in this world, actually.

Sigh.

Feel don't wanna call any people tonight.
I don't know what exactly I wanna do tonight.

....

01302007

Today's Greg Baker's B-day.
Leslie brought bagel sandwitch for us as usual.
Nancy brought little muffins for us.
I turned on all the switches except for the stage light. I forgot!
Run the powerpoint for half of the first song since Laura wasn't back in time.

60 Pcom product description left only.
Don't wanna finish it today.
But, since Joe still needs to work, what else can I do?
My job application is in the car. My reading? CR? Counseling training hw?

Haven't seen Carrie on MSN for a while.
Really have no idea how the whole family think about me right now.
Is Dad mad at me? Does Mom miss me? How about Carrie and Ben? How about Freeman's whole family?

I feel I am living by myself in the world, on this planet, sometime.
Is this a good thing?

February is coming. I will have Superbowl Sunday in a week, the Dallas Willard workshop and class 401 for the next Sunday, and then Chinese New Year for the Sunday after the next Sunday. Then my b-day, and February will be gone soon.
Go go go! I can be courageous to apply for more jobs.
The mission organization book hasn't been gone through yet. :) I can do it! God's with me.

"She's my daughte! keep your hands away from her!"

Only choir practice left tonight.
CR last night was ok. I kinda like Christine.
She's so pretty. But sadly the process she's now going through.

Why there's so many broken families in the world?
Seeing people struggling and trying to get all the helps they can have is really heart-breaking.

A little bit surpriseing when realizing my life is going to be labeled as "mid-age".
Encourage myself be prepared and strong when the day that I need to speak out for my own life choice to my family comes.
I am a BIG girl now. (Darlene said) I can make my own choices and decisions.

Lord.
You know what I am thinking about. and what I long for or maybe just what I need.

I wanna cook.

It's been a while

It's been a while.
Lots of things happened in my life.

One great thing was we actually solved and figured out one way to communicate when we are fighting.
Apology works so well.
I know and learn that I should put aside my feelings first, rather than seeking comfort, and compassionate to the other.
Feelings flavor our lives but feeling sometimes blind my eyes to see people's real intention.

Last Saturday, we went to the coast again.
I knew my heart filled with grateful cuz I knew he cared about me. Wanna give me nice, fun day experience.
I love to study with him. Being encouragement, (if any), and get my reading, studying done.

That was so great and wonderful.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally told mom about me and Joe.
After Dad's not-pleasant phone.
---> He's just so weird. Why can he sound that harsh? I even will feel like to ask 'does he love me or not'.
When being calm, keeping talking to him, my tears welled up in my eyes, and fell.

Mom sounds surprising and not supportive.
She said she doesn't advocate cross-cultural relationship.

I feel she can't listen to any of my answers to her questions.
:(

Emotions

情緒還是一波一波的來 Emotions stills comes to me like waves, one after one.
Maybe I am too good at feelings till a certain point that I didn't even aware of my *girt* that well.

Saw he answering my apology letter. *my eyes moisturized*--> feel wanna cry.
Because saw he remembered to tell me he does like me. (though I did wonder why he didn't reply the other email)
Will he like to do it more often if he knows that simple sentence makes me feel loved and treasured?


"I longed to be loved and treasured..I wante to feel special, to be pursued, to know that my husband delighted in me." quoted from Lynne Hubels.
That's so true. Just speak to my heart.

Feel loved, safe, secure and treasured and prized and wanted. (from the book too)

--
(smile) I even go buy the english version of "Fit To Be Tied". Try to know what exactly the English words they used. I feel I spending so much effort try to solve our problems and woking on our relationship. I guess that's why whenever I feel he's saying he could easily withdraw or walk away, give up (well, he didn't say this for sure) this relationship, I feel so hurt and resentful.

Feelings, feelings. I need to know you more. I need to find a way let you exist between me and Joe.
We need you stay with us, but don't hurt any of us. God will help us even if we are so weak when facing your existance.

blood sugar

Is my blood sugar too low so I tremble and feel fingers are numb?

So scary.!
Go EAT!

Tuesday introspection

Didn't express self well.

What was the real reason caused me depressed and angry in the afternoon and were the real things that I felt wanna tell him, get consolation from him?

1. I saw Mick's wedding picture in the afternoon...:(
2, I tried not be affected by talking to myself and forced myself have NO feelings about it, but I actually did. Though they weren't extreme, but I did have feelings. I shouldn't try to ignore that.
3, By reading bible, I started tell God I feel bad, but I can't really understand why I felt bad.
4. I tried tell God I wanna make sure he heard my prayer....and I tried to cry, but I can't.
5. Then I yelled. and .....I actually told God about those birds.
6. Then I guess I wish Joe could comfort me. I started feel I wanna tell him this.----> that's so WRONG. cuz I trun my expectation to him, wish he could meet my needs. I guess this cause problems.
7. When telling Joe I feel bad, I didn't tell him clear and specific what that was This caused him nervous, worried and even being interfered by almost not being able to finish CR Qs.
8. When we get to talk at night, I was in my emotions. ThereforeI didn't appreciate his joke about the cleaniness of my car.
9, What was my first words to him?
I "blamed" and complained about our not-enough-time, and said I don't wanna talk cuz I need to prepare to leave. This is a wrong expression since he was giving me his time due to my saying me not feeling good. While he's trying to help me, staying with me for my problems (he hasn't know what was that yet), my wrong and improper starting actually discouraged him and made him upset.

UH.....
How bad I was.

Then comes his emotions, then comes mine extra emotions too.
:( Woo....It was because of me.

I can't blame him the later tention and emotions of mine caused by his. Cuz I caused the very first one. :(

Talk

Tried no calls, no emails for two days on purpose. (though understanding his reason for suggesting this, I still feel bad. why is that? do I still interpret it as he doesn't want me around him? Well, he said he doesn't want anyone being emotionally attached to him. Cuz it's not good to either of one. THIS IS NOT SWEET (and a bad communication way to women, I guess). and actually this would cause me trying not attached to him purposely no matter what level I am now. )
Tonight, we 還是had a call at the end.
I thought he won't call when seeing it's already gonna be 11pm.
I was thinking in my mind, how long this call he want it to be? 10 min?
I thought about Freya and Mike always call each other every night around 11pm, and have maybe half hour to one hour chat, then go sleep after saying good night to each other. Was that nice? How come (I feel) he doesn't need this kind of thing?
Maybe we were just still figuring out our own compatible schedule?

It was so hurting.
After Tuesday night's talk, I was hurt badly.
I guess he didn't aware of that. and he probably didn't mean that. (he said, if there's something I feel so wrong, don't believe that, cuz it probably is misunderstanding. Everything he said was from good intention.) ---> this looks/sounds sweet now. ha.
But, I actually try to clarify what I heard on Tuesday night then. I ask why you said it's a sacrifice. I knew I was so shock that I even trembled. I stayed cool and asked him to explain that again. But it wasn't a satisfying answer. He still sounds so distant from me. And he simply looks not want to work on our relationship anymore, and that irritated me.

After today's call, yep, I guess we clarified some misunderstanding. Though I still think he didn't really understand the whole thing.

He actually has unrealistic dream about "dating", just like Mick's first dream.
Mick ended up telling me that was an unrealistic dream, and he didn't appreciate that either.
I don't know would Joe thinks about this too or not.

I was so discouraged that I even feel pretty ready to give up.
I didn't really wanna give up. But simply seeing his frustrating expression on Tuesday night, makes me interpreate that as he's ready to give up this relationship at any minute. That was so hurting and makes me feel unrespected.
I am trying, though there's so many things we need to work on, how can you easily withdrawl your emotion?

I really can sense the anger and resentment inside my mind these two days. I can't even really think through the whole thing cause that was too hurting. I feel rejected, and being look down. I guess what Dad did to me that night, hurt me so much that I feel Joe's doing the same thing to me. That's why I asked he did he really like me or not.

Praying is the only I can do when I can't keep thinking our relationship. I told God I feel angry and hurt, but I don't wanna hurt him and I don't know how can I avoid hurting him. He just looks so fragile that he can't be exposed to any negative emotions. He would treat that as girls' problem while I actually feel he's too afraid to face it and solve the problem with me. What's wrong? Does he need some more help about his previous relationship wound? He can't keep setting up rules in front of us, and warn me not doing the same thing to him as she did before. It's not fair and not right. I even don't have any chance to express myself or explain my reason before he gets stressed and frustrated.

I still say by myself, let's meet this weekend. Though I thought about not seeing each other for these days, kind of as a "punishment" ( I guess it's not a proper word to use here...:( bad English) to him. I want him feel me disappeared in his life. If he actually feels no difference, then I won't stay in this kind of relationship. I guess then we should back to casual dating or even just being friends. ( This situatino means me not showing up, and he does nothing with it. no calls, no emails, don't need me at all, not attached to me AT ALL).
Oh, right. He should stop saying he feels me attached to him. That was so annoying....@@. and that would stop my own feelings actually.
@@ The hurt thing comes from, I would feel he's not attracted by me so he doesn't feel attached to me, so that means he doesn't like me, and my affection to him is not appreciated.
( He probably would say, it's all your interpretation....... ) (sigh)

He wants we all have our own lives. Not our lives are each other.
Make sense. but if I am not in your life, you are not in my life at all. are we still gf and bf?
Then it will back to Mick's dream. I want her show up only when I need her show up. -----> WRONG for sure!

Fine. 難解習題
If he's not going to work on this, I will give up too.
Me being too much attached to him? sorry, I don't like this kind of role. I won't do it.
Keep saying this? I will try my best not doing this.

----> sounds so childish?!

But, while I give up my reserve, and tell him everything single feeling I have, how can he simply say it's difficult for him to share?

That's frustrating too!

----------------

Forget it!

You know what?
one 2.5 dollar card makes me feel expensive too.
I am so poor....

Foundations today.

Leslie and Nancy prepared yummy food for us.
Bobby and me enjoyed a lot while Greg went to dont-know-somewhere.

I figured out the problem causing no sound in the house by myself. YEAH.
Turn on the sound board then the amplifier.
Screen switch is the little box.
Turn off amplifier then turn off the sound board.

can assign to more than one group, or both groups and mono/stereo.

There's volume control for phone.

Effect:

Combination key, when it shows "Greg Stuffs", then the setting is good for try.
Magic effect and Delay.
Remember bring them down when they go back to speak.

Light setting:

The switch, at back
three scroll bar up.
wait for the setting, (or mess up everything to wake it up :P)
Cue-69-go, then we are good.

-----------------------------------------

Weird thing today. The CD burner stoped at 54min.
I found it when we're almost done.
So weird. I wasn't even close to the burner. There's no way people touch any button to cause that.
um...

Feel bad when Aunt called. Actually thinks, "good, now I need to do some apology thing again. what stuff I need to prepare this time? or just apoligize again when I am back?"
Tear down. Though not really knowing why.
I don't like this living style.
Guess just a little bit exhausted emotionally, (and physically?)
Linda said this morning, we all need to find the time to rest and get refreshed.
What day is my Sabbath day?

-------------------------------------------

Feel I am independent but also alone as well.

This weekend

Didn't pick the Pans up from airport.
They actually took shuttle by themselves.
My 10 dollars gasoline......

It costs me almost 10 bucks go to church. Roundtrip, I mean.
For saving money, I really seriously think I should just sleep in the car.
If Ethel's place were not available tonight, I would just drive to church and sleep there, I guess.

Ok, back to the topic.

We went to a neat, sweet place for greek-like food. ( can't remember what that is)

Doug's sermon was nice, but too bad I can't listen to the whole preach.
David was the worship leader again. MJ is gone for good. :( not good. I like him.
Maurice teased me again. Craig approached again.
I guess I trust them by trusting Minie.
Love to being in choir. Whenever Tanya tears down during singing, I always feel so touched.
Don't know how to describe, but it was just amazing. God did talk to people and comfort people when they are serving, right?
At least, He always does this to me. Let me hear something, and let me experience something cool.

Studying Sunday afternoon. Nice hummas(?). I like that.
Unexpecting SG sharing at night. ( Do I always do this kind of thing? say something that would surprise ppl?)
Ethel's artichoke dip was awesome! Love it, Yummy.

I grumbled a lot to Joe. Though not that painful, I guess I sounded miserable.
Was I being defensive? or being cold, cool? wearing "brave& strong " mask for...? for what? not showing weakness? or not asking for comfort? or preparing for departure? and try not being sad or hurt?
He was so honest by saying not knowing what to do, but willing to give me hug.
Writing him emails showing gratitude and appreciation. I guess I try to be honest about whatever I feel about everything and tell him. Expressing my gratitude, though I never get the chance to get his response right away.

Focus, Focus. (ha)
Will I be trained to a person who care less about feelings then?

Simply because need to suppress them once a while?
Am I growing or just ignoring them?

Am I grumbling now? Am I just tired so behaving like a child try to get attention (from whom)?
And actually, just hug them, whispering "it's ok..let's go sleep" ,patting, then they would cool down, relaxing, and then sleep.

Why child cry when they are sleepy?
Was it too hard for them to KNOW they need to sleep?
Maybe just simply feeling the tiredness, they would be overwhelmed and not knowing what to do but only experiencing the uncomfortableness?

Tomorrow will be a long day.
What am I gonna do in the afternoon?
Eric Chang got a new job though.

Lily said, don't rush. Pray for the right timing. Consult God on everything myself.

What do you wanna eat tomorrow?

Laguna Beach

Saturday, Laguna Beach.

Astonished by the amazing, pretty scenary.
How nice God created this world. How nice I get to see it.

I guess too much gratitude expressing, and seems like nothing left to me. Myself.
it was very pleasant spending time with him, watching him doing works and me get somethings and reading done.

I love that place. Love just sit besides the beach. Maybe not doing anything. Just sit there. Make my brain blank. Think.
Sometimes, I become a thinker. Or I am feeling in a thinking way?

Wish I can go there some other time again.
Maybe I should go there by myself?
but I am busy...:P

Complex

I guess it's a day full of complex feelings.

Was happy about Sunny's nice skill. Kinda satisfied with my new haircut.
Was looking forward to meet Joe for lunch, and was wondering how would he thinks about my haircut.
( typical woman's feeling? care about how we look in the person's(who we care about) eyes? )

I actually prepared lots of things to tell him today. From mom's call in the morning, the Meyers' letter, updates of Carrie, Marriage builder, and even remember to bring my counseling program note with me. During our Gyro time, I kept looking at time, and asked "should you go back to work now?" I guess I really feel bad I am always kinda being the person who's occupying his time. Though I know it's not true, it just makes me feel that I need to worry about is this the time he needs to go back to work, is this the time he needs to go home and sleep, is this the time he needs to go to school, is this the time he needs to work on homework. It's so frustrating to me since it looks like our relationship is spending his time. And all the other tasks he has LOOKS so legitimate. Being immatured asking, if family is gonna be the most important thing in our future life, should we also seriously spend time to dating? I guess this has nothing to do with his problem, but my own feelings. I know he cares about our relationship. I know he's investing time in our relationship. But I somehow just feel bad about me need to keep tracking the time, and remind him, you should go. Will it be better if one day I am the person who has less free time?

Feeling need to be loved today afternoon so badly.
I don't know maybe the feelings during lunch time has effected me somehow. I was a little bit childish, even wanna cry when I couldn't see a clear sentence in the bible that God says he loves me. I read my own schedule about Joshua, and kept feel why on earth need I read these fights, battle stories when I feel so wanna be loved? "Do not be afraid. Be couragous" ok, ok, I know this, but what else? Looking up in the dictionary while I read through Max Lucado's book again. Though quite familiar with the story of "You Are Special", I still feel so wanna cry when reading what Eli said to the Wemmicks.
"Lord, you love me, right? just like Eli to those Wemmicks" "I love you and I died for you because of I love you" I don't know was it me reminding myself God loves me or God did try to remind me how much He loves me. I sat in the car, watching sky. "Why God created those clouds?" I asked. "I don't know why, but the trees looks so pretty in the sunset."
I saw Joe and Janet walked out of the building. I pretened not seeing anything. I felt sleepy after coffee, I tried rest a while before our time tonight cuz I wanna spend time together energetically. Oh, right. Now I figure out one more thing. I guess I care about him, but also feel discouraged when seeing him being tired. It was never his fault but it's sad when it's time he can be with me, he probably would always be a little bit tired since it's after work or school. Do I ever get tired? I do. I feel tired driving, but I need to drive down then I could have church, I could go to counseling class, I could help with Audio and sing in the choir. That's just what I need to do. 8800 miledge increasement in half a year. That was so crazy.

The most unexpecting thing was he actually gave my card to someone else and never get the chance to have it back. That's the card I wrote FOR HIM. I wrote more than twice, kept thinking "which word I should use to best describe my feelings", "in which way should I tell my affection and won't sounds silly and insane", "would it be ok to write Chinese and then explaining to him", "Are my handwriting too ugly? " and on and on and on. If that was a little bit longer, I would say that's kinda of "love letter", and he offer that to other person to use as a paper?! I just can't understand. I guess I cry because feels hurt. Maybe it was a little bit like my effort and love-giving feels not being appreciated? I do understand he was trying to help and be nice to others. Oh well, maybe it was just much easier to say that we are from different culture. People sometimes do this here. We were just different. .............If you feel hurt he not keeping your cards, don't write it. If you feel you're just so good at it, and wanna show affection and encouragement in this way, keep doing it but without any expeciton. Includes being ready for he might throw all things away anyway. I guess it was just different. Since people I knew before, they would all cherish my hand writing stuffs. They would keep it since it was from me. I wish I didn't express myself as an idiot who already fell in love badly with him and couldn' live without him. :( That would be just bad.

The most favorite part I had today, was playing swinging in front of the garage tonight. Did those "Karen's way", "See me as who I am not one of the women in the world" make me feel I am special or important in his eye? Or that just simply made me feel being doted? (Was that a reflection and compensation of what I don' get from Dad?) I used to ask ex-bf "yield" to me though I actually won't do anything bad and would always go for his good. Was that a wrong request? Desire maybe?
( Now desire and goal become being used so frequently...) Could I enjoy talking to him in a more "cute" tone and enjoy his coaxing if there's any? Or could I just ask him to coax me if he feels like to? "You need to tell me what you want to do cuz I will never guess what you want." This is what he said today. Though I didn't feel I was asking him guess, what he said just makes me think over and over.

Did I protect him too much by not letting him exposed to girl's emotion? I feel bad when he looks in a flurry, not knowing what to do, or even when he saying I am sorry. Then I simply tell him, "it's fine, it's ok", and then pack my emotions back into my heart. Should I just encourage him take the risk of being around emotional feelings, not just saying " I don't know what to say" "I don't know what to do" "I have no experience" "It's hard for men", and then knowing I would let him pass?
Or even, stopping telling me what happened in his previous relationship, but starting face what might happen between us. Rather than telling me their hard time of parting, expecting me not doing this to him, giving me pressure of "you better not do this" "oh, no, it's happening again", could he just look at me, face OUR relationship, and let us work on our own way of departing? I know I need to think about ways to minister him, not doing things from my own need or desire, and I am willing to do that and I think I am trying. I definitely don' wanna be look like the only person who wants the other person's accompanying.

I guess I was down because I was so excited I could spend my whole Saturday and Sunday with him according to our previous plan. Driving is tiring, but it wasn't that I don't wanna drive down to him. And I actually feel I don't want him drive too much, I almost not set my mind at ease for him driving up here, or take 2 hours simply driving me back home and go back. Ha. I guess this really shows I worry too much about him and being too protective. He's an adult. Come on. He will be fine. :) And, he would be fine by listening to my feelings. I believe he's matured enough to know my feelings and not be hurt. Well, I actually hope my words and expression way are matured enough not being harmful. The most silly thing for me to do would be hurting him unconsciously by using another language. Sigh...I just wish my English could be more better.
However, I was still so excited when he said I could go down WHENEVER I want tomorrow. That simple sentence tells me a lot how he values me. By knowing that, I just easily become happy again. (well, is this also kinda silly? )

On my way driving back, actually all thoughts I wrote here would not be a problem if MINISTERING the other is the goal in a relationship. I didn't really go through again all my thoughts tonight to distinguish which parts was driven by desire and which part actually could help him grow and serve him. Though we are different, though we figure out some difference between us today, though I cried today, thought I haven't figured out what would be the best way for me to say love language to him now, I still need to praise Lord for bring him into my life. He's really a great and amazing man. And to be honest, probably he's the best one I've ever met. :) Not saying I want to marry him in the future, but just really admire him and feel "God, you're so good to make this person in this world.".

My scratching his back whenever I found my hands free, my trying to say nices words to him ( and writing in cards in case of me feeling embarrased when saying that ) are the two things now I remember in mind his preference for accepting love. ( Service, Time and Gifts, I remember he said he doesn't really need these...right? I even not dare to give him gift after he said so....@@ ----> that's really funny )

Ok. Being myself. Loving God. Doing right things. Working on relationshp seriously and rightly. Always bringing this to God.
Though looks like so many uncertainty in half year, (I even remind myself again and again, it probably would end in 6 months), though looks no direction to go, no end of the road, and it IS not easy, God stills in control, right ? Do you think God's powerful enough to handle this? Surely He is. Then do whatever you could do, pray for it and give it to Him.

Now, go to bed. And we could enjoy beach view tomorrow?
Sounds perfect!

Topics in mind

Feelings. Lessons.

Spots in life Journey.

Counseling Training

First night to Saddleback's Counseling Training program.
I LOVE this program.

Can feel my heart beats violently.
From the very beginning introduction to the end kinda getting a sence about what we gonna face in the future.
That was awesome.

I kept feeling I am so blessed and lucky (in a state of bliss) to be at Saddleback.
Bob Baker asked, where were you this time last year? Is there anything God's working on you? Get improved and changed?
I can cry out loudly saying, YES. My life now is so amazing and unexpecting. I couldn't have imagined after one year I would be at a wonderful church, learning Audio thing, singing and learning so many songs and even starting learning counseling!

Is that a dream come true?

Still remember how I being jealous of Joe's studying Psychology. I dreamed about getting into that area since high school.
If there's anything I think I am wired that way, it would be counseling ministry. And now I am having the privilege to learn.
I am learning something I knew nothing about it before in English! That makes me so excited and grateful.

Two and half years ago, I would never think about one day I would really "live an American life"- learning in English ( those engineering thing didn't really count. I am kinda used to those technical terms of English. Though I did learn from being a student in US, I still think now is the most amazing time that I grow in English ability. or say, enjoying using English?), sharing serious, deep and meanful things in English.

Thanks God. LOTS and LOTS of thanks.

After class 301, (though a little discouraged by Denise's not-deliberating response), or say from being thirst for taking class 301, really taking that, and after taking that, those times have been an undurate path to me. Not easy, a little frustrated, (I guess I should look through SHAPE small group curriculum again) but joyful when experiencing the life mission unfolding journey. And the most important thing is, God did let me know He's with me step by step and day by day.

Though I sometimes feel I just can't hear His voice. ( ha, there's still one chapter left? for "Hearing God"), though reading books and attending seminar only help me get encouragement and knowledge from others, I guess working on my own relationship with God but also practicing faith at the same time is the greatest lesson and blessing I have during this life period.

Tim Meyer said, when you can't hear God's voice, trust His plan.

"Amen, Amen". I yelled in my heart.

30 weeks program. It will end in August. Will I be able to stay here finish all those? I really have no idea.
Joe said, holding things loosely. If God let you keep it, have it gratefully. If not, just let God take it away.
It's so true and that's what I can do now.

Lord, you know my desires and my heart. You know where I should go and serve better than me. Then you get to be in charge of my life. In all aspects. I know looking at my time table, everything seems so disordered now. However, I believe when we look at your time table, all things that happened in my life are just right in time and perfect in your plan.

Help me live my life to glorify you.

Panera is always free

Free sandwich today because the namecard the manager gave me last time.
It was because I waited there for maybe 20mins and they seemed forgetting my order.
The waiter actively told the manager, and they both came apologized to me.
Then the manager gave me his namecard, said I could come back with that for free any kind sandwitch, or soup or salad.

How nice this company is!
This was my first thought.

I didn't complain anything, or say, it didn't bother me at all.
But the company has trained his employees respect and being considerate to customers.
I think that's why Panera is running a good business.

:)

Another little story to mention.
I had 7 free crispani samples last night in Panera of West Covina.
I was so full when the waiter offered the 7th piece.
He joked about me being full and started to chat with me.....@@

I guess I wasn't that ugly yesterday.
:D

1/8/2007

Whenever I feel just wanna write down some thoughts inside my mind,
date becomes a perfect title for this kind of article. :)

Last night in small group, Elisa was so passionated trying to introduce a girl she met to Joe.
Actually it doesn't bother me at all. I was laughing but didn't say anything.
Later at night, Joe said he appreciated me letting him lead all these.
I was kinda of surprised he would appreciate this. :) Anyway, I turst him and love to have him being our leader.

A little down when we went to Elisa's. I guess it was because my expection his email for such a long time.
Though it was happy to meet Betty and Elisa, I can't cheer myself up, and was kinda silent,just talked a little and feel bored.
The TV was broken so we couldn't watch the movie "Life becomes sound pleasing because of love" (what a bad translation...-.-)

It was outside of the living room I finally said something about my feelings.
I was surprised while Elisa walked Betty out, I washed those cups, he came hold me and told me how much he likes me.
Yep, a little bit surprised since I know he's so cautious about his words since he wants me to trust him and know I can believe every single word spoken by him. Thus I know, what he said he means it. That actually means a lot to me.

Later in the plaza, unexpected, he asked me about those stories I promised to tell him. We spent 3 hours. (ok, I admitted I didn't plan before sharing. I knew I told too many unrelated stuffs. Not an efficient story telling. However, I was feeling we won't have time for all those things which I want him to know......whatever..)

His maturity comforted me a lot. I love him bring me back to him and asking me look into his eyes while he helped me experience what Grace really is.

I need to say, this is a great milestone for our relationship. I no longer feel empty or need extra attention. Honestly, I don't know why, but I think God helped me grow, becoming more matured in Him.

I love God. I love to have the chance to grow.

Barack Obama

It was the HIV global summit that I first saw Barack Obama, or say first know there's a person.
At the beginning, I show no interest at all for they have a senator speaking in the conference. Though I was curious why the crowd seems like him so much. However, I knew nothing about him.

After the talk, I was so impressed by his talk and his "kinda personality".
Joe also mentioned he's the most popular person for the president election in 2008. Now I get to be more interested in him.

There's news about him today at udn.com.
Interesting!

And actually glad to know that there's a nice and great person who's serving Lord by involving in politics.
No matter what would happen next, may he be God's faithful servant in his entire life.

Matured

I gave myself a “high-sounding-tone" reason to behave myself.
I told God just let there be no emails from him.
Then I probably could spend my time more efficiently and willingly reading bibles or doing whatever things that I need to do.

Went to EZ smog test this morning. I really got 20 dollars off from Majid.
I was thinking I should go to gas stations for vacuum machine. Well, maybe later.

Was so excited when reading through chapter 4 of Marriage builder. That's exactly what we were facing and discussing last night. :) Lord, thanks for giving me the answer and help and answering my prayer always right in time.
( Does that imply the job thing will work out as well too? )

It's a sunny warm day today.
Ok. Decided. Today will be my day doing my own tasks.
Whatever I have in mind I will tell God only.

"There's no reason we need to rush, right?"

Suffocated by some nice, acurate, correct right words sometimes.

Yes Lord Yes

Yes Lord Yes

Yes Lord Yes
To your will and to your way
I say yes Lord yes
I will trust you and obey
When your Spirit speaks to me
With my whole heart I'll agree
And my answer will be yes Lord yes.

(words and music by Lynn Keesecker)

This is the day

Now in Taiwan. 3 am in the dawn.

Congrats. This is the day.

Though Carrie always tells me about how "her friend" trying to cut all the relationships between our families,
though I kinda dissappear from your life, congrats and lots of blessings to you.

Just being informed that one of the cousin would divorce soon. Marriage is not easy but it's not without hope.

I will never be able to imagine or experience the pressure you have now, I would keep you in my prayer, silently, wish you a merry wedding day and happy marriage life in the future.

Congrats again!

Maybe one day we will see each other again? with our own spouses? :)
May your life full of Joy and Blessings from the Lord Almighty. May your whole family know God one day.

Urbana 06

Planing to go there alone.
Sharing others about this information but think this is gonna be my own business, get closer to God.

Was excited about Rick Muchow and Rick Warren would be there too.
(Rick Muchow cancelled the plan I guess..)

It was nice to meet with Albert. Salty ended up didn't contacting me at all. I can't remember did I give her my number or not. Whatever..
Didn't really care about magnesium. I couldn't understand why people would pay no attention before and then grumbling about everything at the very end. Jason also made his decision at the last minute. I couldn't understand either. However, that's their own business with God. I do feel happy to share news with people. That's what I could do.

Actually a little bit disappointed about Rick and Kay Warren's talks. Not long enough, and a little bit uncompleted. Maybe being at the status as non-student, I couldn't really understand people's favor toward those speakers I don't know at all. Kinda Inside-of-Intervarsity thing?

It's nice to experience Urbana. I do know my way to go, being confirmed though haven't got the clear idea about details.

Urbana! This is a little bit memory for CEF as well.
I do feel blessed being saved and educated by God.

Thanks Lord.

My happy 2007

It has been only 3 days since 2007 came.
I wish my 2007 would be a happy and grateful one.

Almost smiling all the way back to Orange County.
The end of 2006 and the beginning of 2007 did surprised me A LOT.

The *modified* Urbana06
The morning when Mark spoke to me. Later Joe gave me the positive answer-"this is where we are going". "Yep, you can say that" "Or, give him my number.."
Then, it began!
The countdown of 2006. The first moment of 2007.
The sharing at the bagel store.

:)
I learned facing my embarrassing moments and speaking out truth with honesty.
Can't wait to grow as fast as I can.